From: DanaSAgent <danasagent@aol.com>
Date: 05 Dec 1999 18:42:11 GMT
Subject: Plague! [1/2]

Title: Plague
Author: Bet-C DanaSAgent@aol.com
Category: Comedy, or Jokefic :)
Rating: PG?
Spoilers: Probably not..
Archive: Sure.. if ya want to.. just tell me first and
leave my name on it.
Authors Notes: A while back I wrote two plays about XF that were a little over
the top. And after my disastrous MSR fic, I decided to write another Jokefic.
If anybody has copies of the old ones that I wrote, I'd really be happy because
I left my paper ones back in the US! I know, stupid, right?

Plague!

SCENE ONE:
LONDON, ENGLAND
MAD SCIENTIST'S LAB

<Mad Scientist is an old guy with white hair. Looks like Einstein. MS is
hurriedly rushing around lab, laughing evilly>

MAD SCIENTIST: Muahahaha!!!! My work of horror is almost complete! Soon I will
have the power to depopulate the whole world! Even myself, but I'll fix that
later.

<<MS runs to cryofreezer and takes out small box. Inside is a frozen tick>>

MS: This is the last tick in the world that carries the bubonic plague!! Once I
add the tick to this mixture, the plague will be ready!

<< Doorbell rings. MS offhandedly throws tick in general direction of mixture,
but missing it by an inch>>

SCENE TWO
DIANA FOWLEY'S APARTMENT
SOMETIME IN NOON

<<The Fowl One is sitting at her Discount K-Mart computer looking through a web
page. Suddenly, she jumps up and gasps aloud>>

TFO: Gasp! A mutated virus of the bubonic plague has been found in England!
Horror!  Wait! I know! I'll use this as bait so Mulder will have to help me!
And he'll have to leave that annoying Dana Scully behind. Heh heh. Then I'll
have him all to myself!

<<runs over to phone and dials Mulder's number>>

SCENE THREE
THE X-FILES OFFICE
SOMETIME AROUND 3:00 AM

<<Mulder is sitting at his desk throwing pencils at the ceiling. He is waiting
for an important call>>

<<phone rings, and Mulder hurridley snatches it up>>

Mulder: Scully? Is that you??
TFO: No, Mulder, It's me!! 
Mulder: <obviously disappointed> Oh.. it's just you. What do you want? I have
an important call coming in. This had better be good.
TFO: It is important! I found out that a mutated version of the Bubonic Plague
is running amok in London!
Mulder: <disgusted> I don't believe that. Why are you making this up?
TFO: <sad> I'm not! It's true! I need your help on this, Mulder!!
Mulder: <even more disgusted> Sure, sure, whatever. Listen, I have an important
call coming in and I'm sure that if it was true, I would have heard about it
already. Thank you and goodbye. <hangs up phone>

Mulder: Stupid woman.

SCENE FOUR
LONDON, ENGLAND
TIME: UNKNOWN. TFO DOESN'T WEAR WATCHES.

<<TFO is wearing a really tacky purple suit with huge green polka dots on it.
She is holding a box and standing on the doorstep of the Mad Scientist's
house>>

<<TFO Knocks>>

MS: <opens door> Yeah, what do you want?
TFO: <huge fake smile> Hi, I'm selling Avon Products. Would you be interested
in buying this lovely ceramic glow-in-the-dark clown?
MS: Are you sure you're an Avon Salesperson? 
TFO: Yeah, why?
MS: Not even an Avon Salesperson would be dressed that tackily. Are you on
anything?
TFO: <haughty> What's that supposed to mean??
MS: <quickly> Nothing. Now, why are you really here? You're no Avon
Salesperson. Are you after me for that explosion and the deaths of 3,000 people
that I tested my new bubonic plague mutation that was mentioned on many
webpages that you may have seen?
TFO: What are you saying?
MS: Read between the lines, idiot!! Do you want to see my bubonic plague
mutation??
TFO: Uh.. sure.
MS: Right this way.

SCENE FIVE
INSIDE THE LAB
LONDON, ENGLAND
SOMETIME AROUND 3:00 PM

<<The MS and TFO are in the small entrance before the cryofreezer.>>

MS: <hands TFO plague> Here you go. Don't open it, or you'll die. Call me if
you need anything. Okay? Do I need to repeat that? Don't...open... it....
or.....you'll....die. Understand?
TFO: I think so.
MS: <mutters> Idiot. <walks away>
TFO: Now what did he just say? 
<<looks down at her shoes.>>
TFO: Oh well. I'm sure it doesn't matter. Hey, I wonder what will happen when I
open this? <opens it> Wow. Pretty neat. <sniffs tube> Heh heh.. makes me feel
lightheaded.. whooo hooo!!
<<TFO stupidly dances around the room for a minute, then starts hacking her
lungs out.>>
TFO: I think I'm  *cough*  going to *hack* die soon! *wheeze*

<<suddenly, TFO dies, and Mulder and Scully enter the room>>

Mulder: <has gun and is doing the normal stakeout thing> Freeze! Heh heh, get
it Scully? There's a cryofreezer over there and I said Freeze! Ha hahah!
Scully: <winces> I get it Mulder, but it's not funny. <notices Fowley in the
corner> Hey look! Fowley's dead!
Mulder: OH YEAH!! <dances around the room, grabs Scully and dances some more>
Scully: Good. There's one more distraction out of our way.
Mulder: Hey, Scully, now we can take that vacation to Bermuda! 
Scully: Okay!

And so, Mulder and Scully happily skip off into the sunset, leaving TFO's dead
and decaying carcass by the cryofreezer (heh heh).
_______________________________________________________________


PLAGUE
PART TWO


SCENE ONE
THE MAD SCIENTIST'S LAB
NOON

(MS is dancing around lab, when all of a sudden, he trips over Diana's dead 
body)

MS: Ohmygod!! That bimbo sniffed the plague!! All those years of research 
just went down the hole!! Great!! Now I'll be blamed for another death! And 
this time, it wasn't even my fault! I've got no choice but to revive her and 
extract the plague from her system. I'm gonna hate myself for this.....

SCENE TWO
FBI CAFETERIA
NOON

(Mulder and Scully are sitting at a lunch table. Mulder is nervously poking 
his lunch with a fork, seeing if it is alive. Scully is doing an autopsy on a 
fish stick)

Scully: Mulder, this fish is artificial!
Mulder: (laughs) Fish!! Artificial!! Get it Scully? Hahahahahaha!!!!
Scully: Um, sure Mulder. 

(Mulder's cell phone rings)

Mulder: Well, at least I can know in peace that after that lovely vacation in 
Bermuda, that Diana will never call me!!
(picks up phone) Hello?
TFO: Mulderrr!!!
Mulder: D'OH!!!
TFO: (sugary sweet diabetic coma voice) Oh Mulder, I knew that we were always 
meant to be together!!! I love you Mulder!!! I really do!!!
Mulder: (really disgusted) Is that all?? I have BETTER things to DO you KNOW, 
unlike YOU who has NOTHING to do but CALL ME on the PHONE and DECLARE your 
LOVE for ME even though you KNOW that I HATE your GUTS. Even MORE than that!
TFO: So that's a yes, right?
Mulder: (even more disgusted) Go off with your boyfriend CSM or something. 
(punches off button on cellphone)

Scully: (raises her eyebrows and sings) It's the return, of The Fowl One... 
it's the interplanetary death way...
Mulder: How did she un-kill herself...
    (M&S at same time)
        THE MAD SCIENTIST!!!

SCENE THREE
MAD SCIENTIST'S PLACE
ONE O' CLOCK

    (Scully knocks on door. MS opens it)
MS: Hey, if this is about the cow carcass laying in the middle of the subway 
track.. that wasn't entirley my fault.
Mulder: What?
MS: (quickly) Nothing! So, what can I do to help you?
Scully: Um, we're looking for a certian bimbo. You may recognize her from 
such posters as "Throw her away" and "How not to raise your child".
MS: Oh yeah.. her.. well.. umm...
Mulder: (angrily grabs MS by the shirt) Where is she??!!?!??
MS: You *want* to find her and HELP her????
Mulder: Nah.. I just wanna find her and torture her.
MS: Oh yeah. Well. I needed the plague, so I had to revive her and draw it 
out of her system.
Scully: Oh, so all we have to catch is the bimbo, right?
MS: Not so easy. If you will follow me, then I will explain. (walks into lab 
part. M&S follow)

MS: (walks up to computer console) Okay now. First I need to enter the code. 
(punches buttons. nothing happens)
Scully:.. umm....
MS: (kicks computer) Piece of K-Mart crap! I should never go discount 
shopping again!! AUgh!
Mulder: So, does that mean that you can't tell us what's wrong with her? I 
mean, that's okay.
MS: Noo.. the computer console part was just something I threw in there to 
make it look like I was actually doing work instead of sitting on my butt all 
day and staring at the ceiling... but yeah. I can still tell you.
Scully: Well?
MS: She has two actually. She has tics all over her body. She's kinda... 
twitchy...and she's itching. All over.
Mulder: (rolls on the floor laughing) Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!Ticks!!! 
Hee heheheheheeee!!! 
Scully: No Mulder, not those ticks.
Mulder (stops laughing and looks up at her.) Awww... darnit. I know!! Maybe 
aliens did it!! Oh my gosh!! ALIENS!!! SAMANTHA!!! REPRESSED MEMORIES!!! 
AUUUUUGHHHHHHH!!!
Scully: (rolls eyes) It's okay Mulder, it's okay Mulder, it's okay Mulder, 
it's okay Mulder.
Mulder: Okay. (stands up) Let's go find the ditz.
Scully: Okay!

SCENE FOUR
TICK TOCK, IT'S THREE O' CLOCK, MOM IS GETTING DRUNK...OOPS.
CROWDED STREETS OF HAWAII

(Mulder and Scully are dodging Japanese tourists wearing loud Hawaiian shirts 
and cameras around their necks left and right)

Scully: How did we get here? We didn't even take a plane!
Mulder: I dunno.. but I thought that commerical for Hostess Cupcakes was 
funny.
Scully: Hey, there's a woman who's twitching!! All over! That must be Diana!
Mulder: Let's go throw rocks at her!
Scully: Okay!

(Mulder and Scully spend five minutes looking for rocks and then realize in 
dismay that kids have already thrown all the rocks at Diana.)

Scully: Well... I guess we'll just have to go and talk to her.

(They walk over to Diana, who is madly twitching and scratching her arm like 
there is no tomorrow)

TFO: What???!?!??? Oh Mulder! It's you! I knew you loved me!!!
Mulder: No. You need to stop spreading this itching virus around people.... 
you're making them uncomfortable.
TFO: But don' t you love me????? I love you Mulder!!! 
Mulder: (yawns) That's nice Diana. Hey, Scully! Wanna get a milkshake?
Scully: Okay!
(Mulder and Scully happily skip off into the sunset)

TFO: Aww.. they left me here again!!! Hey.. stop taking pictues of me!! 
What's your problem??? Stop!! Quit it!! STOP!!

(TFO cringes into the fetal position while she is repetedly flash-blinded by 
the flashes of cameras of the Japanese tourists)

TFO: NOOOO!!!!!! I'll..... be..... back.......
 
(TFO dies)

(Music plays. Happy polka music. Floats and parades start coming down the 
street. People are carrying banners that say "Celebrate Diana Death Day!" The 
happiness lasts for many, many, minutes.)

Scully: Hey Mulder, wanna go to McDonalds?
Mulder: Sure!!

(They happily stroll out into the night....past many flying saucers which 
Mulder of course, never notices)

THE END!!