From: Starbuk42@aol.com
Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1999 20:31:07 EST
Subject: New: Plague by M (1/1)


Title: Plague
Author: M (Starbuk42@aol.com) 
Rating: PG 
Category: VA
Spoilers: None.  
Summary: Overwhelming guilt that doesn't subside and the realization that
departure is unwanted. (Mulder, First Person) 
Archive: Gossamer, yes. Anywhere else, ask me first. I'll let you. 
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Thanks: Of course to Suzanne Schramm for making me think -- something I
sometimes forget to do. And for dissecting my pieces, but in a nice way.
Kinda. Thanks as always, Sue.
Notes: This one's slightly dark; it's not really a happy piece, in other
words. Just basically deals with Mulder's undying guilt over Scully's cancer.
My website: 
http://members.aol.com/Starbuk42/
Enjoy!


Plague by M


Your eyes never let me forget.

That haunted stare that plagued my darkest dreams, that plagues me still.

And in my mind I hear your weary words once more.

Curse my memory and my miserable life.

Even in happier times I feel the agony of this ever-present affliction.

It never subsides.

You mask it and attempt to let it drift away, but it never leaves.

You smile to hide it, to show it no longer hurts you.

Yes, you smile, but it never reaches your eyes.

Your body healed, your strength returned, but your eyes never recovered.

They carry with them the pain and anguish that your mind has tried to repress.

They are a window to your soul -- a soul marred by the disease that has long
since abated.

Your mind may try to forget, but your eyes never will.

No. 

And they will not let me forget either.

They show me all the things I wish to never see again.

They instill in me emotions I wish I never knew.

They tell me of my silent screams -- the ones that make my blood run cold in
my veins.

They remind me of the guilt that threatens to bury me alive.

My tongue was bitter from words I spoke to you before, but it is bitter still
as I meet your gaze.

At times, as you stare back, I am met with a warm and glowing blue, but it is
only for a moment. 

And then the softness subsides, and I am met with something that is pained and
cold. 

Frozen.

I know you would never wish that to be so. I know you do not mean it.

And not too long ago I realized it was only I who saw this; it was only I who
became distressed.

Why?

Because I see the scars left behind, I see through your shield. And I am
tormented because of it.

I suffer from the unrelenting agony.

And not necessarily because of what it does to me, but because I know this is
how you once felt.

That alone is enough to bring me down.

To know that you suffered as I do, that you ached, and that the ache was left
behind, despite the fact that the cause has withdrawn.

To know that it was my fault...

I am undone.

No, your eyes will never let me forget because I cannot forget.

To forget is to allow it to happen again.

So I stare and turn darker and darker still as that leak in my soul grows
until I cannot feel anything beyond it.

Your eyes will not let me forget because I cannot lose you.

That lifeless, cold, pained stare that reaches deep inside me and threatens to
tear me apart.

Yes, I see it.

I see it always.

And as much as I long to, I can never look away.

The End

Hey, drop me a line and tell me what you thought. I'd really love to hear from
you.
(Starbuk42@aol.com)
And thanks for reading.