Date sent: Sun, 01 Mar 1998 22:18:12 -0700 From: "Lee F. Blair" Subject: Planet of The X-Philes II: Thanks Mulder! Tittle: Planet of The X-Philes II: Thanks Mulder! Author: Patty and Arwen Rating: G Classification: H Keywords: none Spoilers: Little Green Men Summary: Patty and Arwen have to prove their princesses by saving the x-files characters from....Hanson and....the Spice Girls!!!! Oh and Mulder gets poison Ivy. Disclaimer: They ain't ours! If you think they are, Arwen would you help me? Sure thing! *smack!* There! The x-files belongs to CC and 1013 fox. Here's our second story in our series! It's jam packed with adventure, food, and X FILES!!!! send comments to Patty at leeblair@roadrunner.com and to Arwen at arwenX24@aol.com PLEASE!!!! Mail us! U like it? Hate it? Hate Hanson and the Spice Girls? *stampede of people raise hands and scream* Come on in! Drop off any and all pie at the door and feel free to sample! Enjoy! Planet of The X-Philes II: Thanks Mulder! by Patty and Arwen ######################################################### Patty: *yawns and slowly opens eyes* "Oh my god!" Arwen: *plugs ears and shuts eyes tighter* "What?" Patty: "No. No not them!" Arwen: "What?!" *sits up angrily* Patty: *looking at ground littered with Iopian bodies and gasps* Arwen: "What?" Patty: "No why did you take them? God why them? Why them and not Arwen? Take Arwen!" *starts sobbing* Arwen: "What!!!!" Patty: "Their dead! Their all dead!" *sobs some more* Arwen: "Their asleep idiot." *smacks Patty* Patty: "Oh well of course! Duh!" *rubbing head* Katana: *yawns* "Ah princesses your awake!" *solutes* Arwen: "I'm starved!" Patty's stomach: "Grrrrrrrrrr! Woof, woof! Arf! Feed me!" Patty: "Patience my pretty. Soon we will be blessed with pie!" Katana: *kicking everyone to wake them up* "We will bring food!" Arwen: "Hehehe this is cool!" 1 hour later Arwen: "That was the bestist breakfast I ever had!" Patty: "You idiot there is no such thing as bestist! It's most goodest!" Arwen: "Where's Mulder and everyone?" Patty: "I don't know? Katana!" Katana: *comes running* "Yes?" Arwen: "Find Mulder and Scully and bring them to us!" *evil scientist laughter* Patty: "What are you going to do with them?" Arwen: "Nothing I just wanted to act evil for once, but no! Just come in and fart in my dream world why don't you!" Patty: "Sorry! Go ahead!" Arwen: "Oh no it's too late now!" Botana one of the Iopians: "Excuse me prince asses." Patty: "Hey! She's the ass!" Arwen: "I am not! *smacks her again* Patty: "All right it's karate time! Hwaaaaaa yaaaaaaaa!" *takes karate stand* Arwen: *jumps to her feet* "Lets go!" Patty: "You know I was an orange belt! With a yellow stripe!" *says proudly* Arwen: "Well uh," *smacks Patty again* Botana: *ahem* Both: *What? Oh." *both sit down* Botana: "Call me a skeptic," Both: "Skeptic." Botana: *sigh* "But.... I don't believe your princesses!" *gasps all around* Patty: "What-what do you mean? Of course we're princesses!" *looks toward Arwen* Botana: "Your foreigners and that's all!" Arwen: "No we're not! We'll prove it!" Patty: "How? We're not-" Arwen: *elbows Patty* Botana: "Yes prove it!" Arwen: All right how?" Katana: *runs back with Iopians following* "Mulder, Scully, and all the rest of the others have been kidnapped!" *says out of breath* Patty: "By who?" *asks melodramatically* Katana: "They were taken by the demons that live in the caves in the deep jungle." Arwen: "Demons?" Katana: "They came to us earlier then you. About 2 years ago. 5 women and 3 young girls." *an Iopian whispers into Katana's ear* Botana: *rolls eyes* Katana: "I mean boys. They sure as hell looked and sang like girls!" Arwen: "Katana what did the women look like?" Katana: " They were all dressed in leather tight dresses. Horrible accents! But the singing!" Patty: "What about the *smiling* boys?" Katana: "Blonde, short, lipstick." *laughs* Botana: "I have it then! You prove your princesses by saving those guys and killing the demons." *smiling wickedly* Arwen: "Fine then we will!" Patty: "Have fun!" *waves and tries to sneak away* Arwen: "YOINK! I think not!" *pulls Patty by the back of her shirt* Patty: "Then will set out in...oh I don't know. A year, maybe two?" Arwen: "No! We'll go now! And save Mulder and Scully!" *taking Super Man pose* Patty: *whining* "But I don wano!" Arwen: "Sometimes, in life, we must do things we don't want to. We don't get to chose our destiny, paths, whatever you want to call it. Sometimes life just.." *continues to drone on with her speech* Patty: "Must stay awake! Must not fall asleep!" *eyes shutting listening to Arwen* Arwen: "So you see, we must face this evil, and set aside our needs and wants. For the better good!" *ends heroically* Patty: "I like lettuce...Goo....PIE!!!..." *snoring* Arwen: *sighs angrily* "Patty. *calls quietly* Patty. *calls a little louder* PATTY!!!" Patty: "Ahhhhhhh! I wasn't asleep! I was-uh-resting my eyes!" *defensively* Botana: "So I guess you'll be leaving now!" Arwen: *ahem* "Yes of course. Come Patty!" Patty: "Stupid Botana. No your not princesses. Will prove it! Ah thanks. All I wanted was some pie but nooooooo! Now I have to go into a stinky cave and save Mulder." *grumbles* 12:05 middle of the jungle Arwen: "I wander when we're going to get there?" Patty: "Do be do be dooooo! I love that penguin!" *sniff* Arwen: "Hey why don't we play a game while we walk?" Patty: "Okay! Hmmmm? Name that song?" Arwen: "Okay! You go first." Patty: "la la lalalala. La la la la la." Arwen: "Easy! SMURFS!" Patty: "Hey that wasn't easy!" Arwen: *sigh* "I'm hm, hm the sailor man. I live in a garbage can. I turned on the heater and blew off my--" Patty: "I know! Uh, um, uh--" Arwen: "You spoke without thinking didn't you?" Patty: "NO! Well yes." *looks down* Arwen: "Now listen. I hm, hm the SAILOR MAN--" Patty: "I know! Uh, um, uh. I did it again." Arwen: *sigh* "I'm hm, hm The SAILOR MAN. I live in a garbage--" Patty: "I kno-never mind. This one is tuff!" Arwen: "Oh for peat's sake listen! I'm Popy The Sailor Man--" Patty: *opens mouth but shouts it* Arwen: "OH NEVER MIND!" Patty: "Hissssssssss! Someone needs some pie!" Arwen: *throws hands in the air* "Why do I even bother! Just take your turn!" Patty: "Dooooooo. Dooo do do do do dooo. De de de de. Do, do do do do do Dooooooo! She'll never turn her back on a friend. She'll be there till the end. She's the one you can count on. She is the one named Sailor Moon!" *hums over and over* Arwen: * at first angry but soon rolling on her back laughing* "You-you watch Sailor Moon!!!" Patty: "uh, well, kinda, yeah." *looking down* Arwen: "That prepubescent, bulgy eyed, idiot!?" Patty: "NO! Well yes." Arwen: *out of breath* "Ahahahahahahahaahahahahahhahahahahaa!!!!!" Patty: "Shut up Mrs. If-Smurfs-were-atomically-correct-I'd-die-myself-blue!" Arwen: *stops laughing* "Did you hear that?" Patty: "Maybe it was the Ice Cream Man?" Arwen: *smacks Patty* "Shhhhhhh." Patty: "Hey look the caves." Arwen: "Oh my god listen!" Caves: "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends." "Hmmmmmmmm bop!" Both: "Ahhhhhhhhh! Nooooooooo!" *Spice Girls and Hanson emerge from cave except their 50 feet tall* Scary Spice: "Did you all hear tha?" *looks around* Posh Spice: "I din't hear anythin." Sporty Spice: "Get ba in here!" Ginger Spice: "Yea me nietha. Oh loo Baby Spice is cryin!" Baby Spice: "Why don I eva get ta hear anythin!" Patty: *trying to sneak away* Arwen: *again* "YOINK! I think not! Your coming with me!" Patty: "But it's Hanson! And-and the Spice Girls!" Zach: "Hey Baby Spice just threw up all over me! Ooooh song inspiring!" Isaac: "So I hear they don't call you Sporty Spice for nothing." *coming onto Sporty* Tyler: "So you see Ginger I actually did all the voices for the Hmmmm Bop song." *boasts* Ginger Spice: "Get ou of my face kid!" Arwen: "Look! There they are!" *points to the opening of cave and a bundle of tied up x-file characters* *inside the cave* Scully: "Oh thanks Mulder! someone just haaaaaad to go see what was in the FORBIDDEN demon cave!" *wishing she could hit him* Mulder: "Well if you hadn't screamed they wouldn't have heard us!" *defensively* Scully: "You were going to take off your pants!!!!!!" Mulder: *scratches his butt as best he can* "Well I fell in some poison ivy thank you!" Scully: "Frohike I thought you guys were supposed to be hackers! GET ME OUT!" Frohike: "If Byers wouldn't have taken my pocket knife away I would be able to my princess!" Byers: "You were going to stab Langly!" Frohike: "He recorded Rickie Lake over my videos!" Langly: "They were having a special on JFK!" Krycek: *sitting in front of knotted end* "Well if someone didn't have my arm cut off I could untie us right now!" *looking at his prosthetic arm* Mulder: "Well if you hadn't told them I was a spy!" Skinner: "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek! *screams like Mulder in Jose Chung's: From Outer Space* Stop it! All of you!" *sobs* Scully: "Thanks Mulder!" Arwen: "All right how are we going to get the out?" *whispers* Patty: "Arwen look a caterpillar!!! Ooooo a cute one too!!! He's all fuzzy!" *picks up caterpillar* Arwen: "This is where my parents taxes are going?" *stares at Patty* Patty: "Ahhhhh!!!! Get it out!! It's under my shirt! Hehehehehe!! It-it-tickles!!" *rolls around* Arwen: *silent* Patty: *horrible smooshing sound* "Oh god I've killed it! I killed Pete!" Arwen: "You knew it for no longer then 5 minutes yet you named it?" Patty: "Oh Pete!" *sobs* Arwen: "He was so cute before he was, er, smished." *looks down at caterpillar corpse* Patty: "Oh no what have I done! We have to hide the body! They'll find us!" *starts running around looking for hiding place* Arwen: "Who's gonna find us?" Patty: "The Blue Beret Caterpillar Crash Retrieval Team. They'll kill us!" *frantically looks* Arwen: "That's from Little Green Men you idiot." *smacks Patty* "Wait a minute your right!" Patty: "I am? I mean yes see. Hahaha!" *confused* Arwen: "If this is an x-file world--" Patty: "Things from the x-files can happen!" *Giant buzzing noise approaches as thousands of butterflies zoom in* Arwen: "They're they are! Run!" Patty: "Wait I need some evidence!" Arwen: "What? That you smooshed a bug?! RUN!!!" Patty: "Oh yeah." *starts running* Both: "Ahhhhh!" *engulfed by swarm -o- butterflies* Arwen: "Get em off me, get em off me!" Patty: "You guys watch the buttatle area!" Scary Spice: "Now don tell me you din't hear tha!" *peaks out cave at two bug covered midgets* Zach: "What the?" Posh Spice: "Well would ya look at those bugers!" Sporty Spice: "Looks lie our babies ave caught somethin!" Baby Spice: "Did you say baby? I'm na a baby!" *sobs* Ginger Spice: "No this is a baby Waaaa, waaaa, I'm a baby!" *bursts out laughing* Sporty Spice: "Tha's a good one!" All: *Roll around laughing at the dry, pointless, utterly repulsing, gag inducing, not to mention overly corny humor* Arwen: "Did you bring the straws?" Patty: "Oh no you were suppose to bring the straws." Arwen: "Oh great now what?" Patty: "Pie?" Arwen: "I'm not even going to smack you for that one. Ah what the hell!" *smacks Patty* Patty: "Now really!" *rubs head* Arwen: "It's Kung Fu time!" Patty: "Uh, do we even know what we're doing?" Arwen: "Well, no but I've seen a lot of Jackie Chan movies!" Patty: "Oh well then okay!" Arwen: "Yo! Tight leather wearing hoochies!" *yells up toward Spice Girls* Spice Girls: *still laughing* Patty: "Hey! No class pains in the--" Arwen: "Please there are children listening." *points to Mulder who has his ears covered* Posh Spice: "Are you sayin we don have any class?" Patty: "Well someone's quick!" Arwen: "Uh, I think you pissed em off." *Spice Girls stomp forward* Baby Spice: "Girls I think we should ave a li'le concert for em. Show em we're great!" Patty: "No! Please! Take Mulder!" Arwen: "Yeah take Mulder!" Ginger Spice: "Al'right Girl Power! 1.2.3.4! If you wanna be my lover!" Patty: "Aieeeeeeeeeee!! Satan! Back evil, back!" *plugs ears* Arwen: "Make it stop!" *plugs ears* Patty: "Now what are we going to do?" Arwen: "You go let the others out I have an idea!" Patty: "10-4 good buddy Billy Bon Bo Jean Bob!" *runs into cave* Spice Girls: "Make it last forever friendship never ends!" Skinner: "Make them stop fighting!" *sobs* Patty: "Great job Mulder!" Mulder: "Why my fault? Why!" Patty: "How did the rest of you get caught." *looks around at them as she unties them* Frohike: "Well Langly, Byers, and I were going over some..photographs when Mulder called us and we came to help him." Byers: "And what a great job you did Froggie man!" Frohike: "Don't call me that Savers!" Langley: "You guys come on." Both: "Shut up you hippie!" Skinner: "Krycek called me and invited me over to a tea party. I guess it was a lie like all the other times!" *sobs* Krycek: "Anyways we heard Scully scream, came running, and found Mulder with his pants undone. Needless to say we were captured." *smiles at Mulder* Patty: *mentally picture Mulder with his pants undone* Scully: "Snap out of it! Like there was that much to--" Mulder: "Thank you Scully that'll be fine!" Patty: *finishes untying them and they run out to find many speakers surrounding the Spice Girls* Arwen: *coughs* "To much!" Patty: *runs over to fallen Arwen* "I believe-that your not ready to go Arwen. And you've always had the strength of your beliefs." *recites from memory as she chokes out the words* "I don't know if my being here will help--" Arwen: "It wont" Patty: *ahem* "But I'm here." *puts on puppy dog face* Arwen: "Where's my Super Stars of the Super Bowls?!" Spice Girls: "Slam it to the left it your having a good time." Patty and Arwen: *dodge right* Patty: "Well now what?" Arwen: "I hooked up the speakers to where they'll loop music. Once you hit the on button plug your ears and enjoy!" Patty: "Duh okay George tell me about the rabbits George!" Arwen: "Just hit on!" Patty: *hits the on button* *ground shakes as Spice Girls's music replays back and their bombarded with it* Sporty Spice: "Ahhh who wrote tha shi?" Ginger Spice: "No I'm melting!" *sops into a puddle* Baby Spice: "Uh oh!" *poofs into dust* Scary Spice: "Ahhhhh!" *shrinks into microscopic dust mite which Patty quickly steps on* Posh Spice: "Noooooo!" *explodes* Sporty Spice: "Yipes!" *implodes* All: "Yeah!" Arwen: "That was close!" Patty: "You said it!" Arwen: "That music! Ah well it's over now!" Patty: "Something doesn't feel quite right though." Arwen: "Yeah kinda like we forgot about something?" HMMMMMMM BOP!!!! Patty: "Maybe them?" *points to Hanson behind her* Arwen: "Maybe! Hurry hit the on button again!" Patty: *hits the on button yet again* Zach: "Sporty Spice! You killed her!" Tyler: "Not my Spice!" Isaac: "Why them? God why!" Arwen: "Hit it!" Patty: "I did it's not working!" Arwen: "Crap! No straws, and now this! We're doomed!" Patty: "And me without pie!" *sobs* Arwen: "Well, it's been, uh, interesting, no, um, well, I knew you." Patty: "Why Chris? Why! We've been good little X-Philes! Why us?!" *ground rumbles as Chris Carter walks out from mist* Both: "We are not worthy. We are not worthy." *bowing* Chris Carter: "Get off the ground." *smiles* Both: "Yes sir!" *stand* CC: "Here. *hands them Truth and the Light CD* This should help." *poofs* Arwen: "That was him. I mean him! HIM!!!!!! HHHHIIIIIIMMMMM!!!!!!" Patty: "He's better then, then PIE!!!!!" Zach: "Scuse me but Hmmmmmm Bop!" Arwen: "Oh yeah!" Patty: "YOINK!" *grabs CD and pops it into CD player* *all mighty X-file themes starts to play* Tyler: "Ah who wrote that crap!" Both: "WHAT!!!!!!" *suddenly both are powered by so much hate and x-file power they start floating straight toward Hanson's heads* Arwen: "How dare you!" Patty: "That's real music your talking about!" Both: "Princess time! KICK ASS!!!!" *CENSORED* *two hours later* Arwen: "Well I think we taught them something." *smiles* Patty: "And I think we've proved we're princesses!" *looks at gaping Iopians* Arwen: "So, how bout some pie?" Patty: "Thought you'd never ask!" *walk away* *dust, which used to be Hanson, blows away in a Mark Snow induced wind* The End...for now!!!! Patty -leeblair@roadrunner.com Arwen-arwenX24@aol.com