From Oliviawill@aol.com Sat May 10 17:33:27 1997
Subject: "Prayers for the Living" (1/1)  by Olivia Williams
From: Oliviawill@aol.com
--------

I couldn't help myself; the ending of Elegy cried (literally) for
more...yeah, I know this the X-Files, and while I love the dangling threads
of the mythology inherent to the show, I felt the need for tiny bit of
closure. Please forgive me, Chris, just this once...



Summary:  An continuation of the last scene in Elegy.  

Classification:  V, A.  

Rating:  PG-13 for language.  

Spoilers:   Hmm, mostly just mentions of Beyond the Sea, The Blessing Way,
Paper Clip, and of course, season 4 (which I'm no longer in denial of...). 

Disclaimer:  Characters belong to CC, 1013, FOX, and used without permission,
as if.

Written for the attendees of the Santa Monica Mini-Con. My little thanks for
a really great time. (Coffee, fic, and videotape.  What more could one want?
Oh, yeah. Besides that...) Permission granted to post/archive anywhere one
sees fit; just keep my name attached. May 5, 1997.

Notes:  This is mostly partner-bonding (no, not with handcuffs, sorry...) and
lots of M/S friendship. However, it is possible that shippers can read
between the lines (don't  we always) and pretend that this is MSR....enjoy!

Comments to oliviawill@aol.com


Prayers For The Living   (1/1)
                                        by  Olivia Williams



Mulder felt as if he had suddenly been drenched with ice-cold water.  'She
didn't tell me, she didn't tell me', his mind was screaming at him
relentlessly. 

"Why didn't you tell me?"  Mulder's tone was frigid.  He could barely control
his anger as he asked his partner the simple question. His eyes had darkened
considerably.

"Because I didn't want to believe it. Because I don't want to believe it."
 Scully's voice was low.

He barely heard her admission of fear, his heart was beating so loudly in his
chest. 'God, how could she do this to me?', his brain was in over-drive, his
emotions raw. He felt disgust and anger at Scully's seeming betrayal. His
life, his career, 'Hell, even her own life', he thought bitterly, had been
consumed by the need to know, to uncover the mysteries that were the X-files.
And his partner, the one person he most-trusted in this universe or any
other, had omitted having near-proof that he wasn't insane. That his theories
had substance. That, by God, his search for answers wasn't just an incredible
waste of time! 

"Is that why you came down here?  To prove it wasn't true?"  His voice dared
her to deny it.

"No, I came down here because you asked me to."  She protested a bit
defensively.

"Why can't you be honest with me?"   Mulder asked, his stomach in knots.
Scully, of all people, knew what the truth meant to him. 

"What do you want me to say? That you're right, that...that I believe it even
if I don't? I mean, is that what you want ?"  Scully looked at him with
resentment.

"Is that what you think I want to hear?", he replied bitingly.

Scully just looked at him for a moment. "No", she said slowly.  Mulder wanted
the truth. Always. She felt sick, suddenly. His next words didn't help.

"You can believe what you want to believe, Scully. But you can't hide the
truth from me. Because if you do, then you're working against me...and
yourself."  Mulder said passionately. He needed to make her to understand.

"I know what you're afraid of."  Mulder's voice dropped even lower. "I'm
afraid of the same thing." 'More than you will ever know', he thought to
himself.

"The doctors said I was fine."  She sounded so young, he thought. Like she
was grasping at straws. 

"I hope that's the truth."  Mulder's eyes meet hers. 

He had felt an almost physical pain as his diminutive partner told him she
was going home. She looked so vulnerable. Scully could barely whisper the
words, she was so close to tears.  As she walked away, he released a breath
he had just realized he was holding.  He hadn't handled it well, he knew.  He
hadn't meant to hurt her, had he?  He couldn't really say. Maybe.
 
She said she hadn't told him because she was afraid.  Afraid to believe what
she'd seen. Of what it meant. And he'd been harsh, chastising her for letting
her fear rule her objectivity. As if being what they were, and doing what
they did,  was a barrier to being human and feeling all the emotions that
came with it. 

He had simply reacted to the hurt he'd felt when she had admitted to seeing
something that was so crucial to their work and the fact that she'd kept it
from him. Especially from him. She should be able to tell him anything. Why
didn't she feel that she could? 'She told you why, dummy.', the voice had
calmed down now. 'She said she was scared, you idiot', his mind continued. 

The fact that she had seen the apparition nearly made him giddy with joy in
that it validated their work, but alternately frozen with terror at what it
meant for Scully's future. Or lack thereof. He remembered his words to her,
describing psychic ability in those dying. 'Damn!'  He closed his eyes,
leaning back against the wall. That had been what had scared his partner,  he
was positive. She knew exactly what seeing the vision had meant. That she
would soon be dead. "Fuck!"  He pushed himself from the wall with a violence
that would have shocked his partner. He needed to see her. Now.

He nearly flew out the door, intent on getting to Scully's in the next five
minutes, speed limits or not.  He came to an abrupt halt about 10 feet
outside the building. Scully was sitting in her blue car, her beautiful
copper head bent over the steering wheel.  He couldn't remember taking any
steps, but suddenly he was pulling her car door open. 

"Scully?"  His voice was rough and low. He was suddenly terrified that she
wouldn't answer, that she couldn't because she was unconscious, or worse. As
she lifted a tear-streaked face, his heart resumed it's beating, albeit a bit
frantically. His eyes searched hers for what felt like eons.

"I'm sorry", they both said simultaneously. 

Mulder knelt within the open car door, leaning toward her. She met him
halfway. He practically crushed her to his chest, feeling her hiccup as she
tried to stop her tears. 

"I'm scared too, Scully", he whispered to her. "I'm terrified."  He placed
his hands on her face and tilted it up toward his, "but don't you realize
that you can tell me anything?"  He paused, trying to get his voice under
control. "Don't you trust me?", he couldn't help the hurt that came through
his question. 

"I do trust you, Mulder", Scully said quietly. "It's just that it's such...a
leap of faith, I guess", she shrugged within his arms. "I'm so...unsure about
all of this", she looked at him with her blue eyes wide and watery. "If
I...believe in this, and I can't deny what I saw, then maybe you've been
right about everything. And to me, that's incredibly scary."   She leaned her
head against his chest again. 

He didn't know how  to answer that, so he fell back on his trademark humor.
"So",  he paused dramatically, "you do think I'm spooky." As he tightened his
arms around his partner, he heard a small laugh. 

"I guess I do", she said with a watery grin. She pulled back slightly to look
up at him.

 "I saw Harold."  She met his eyes.  "Just before you came outside. I saw him
sitting in the back of the car."

Mulder blinked at that. His racing mind made one of it's incredible leaps.
 "Scully, have you ever seen things like this before? Before this case?" he
clarified. He watched her face as she looked back at him with astonishment.
She had, he realized. "When?"  his voice sounded strained.

"When my father died. I saw him sitting in my living room just seconds before
my mother called to tell me that he was gone. "  She paused. "And when you
were...missing. It's how I knew you'd be back. That you were o.k."  She
looked at him. "I thought you were in my dream",  she sounded unsure of
herself now.

Mulder closed his eyes briefly. "Scully, think about what you're saying."  He
waited. 

'Oh, God', she thought. "I saw my dad, BEFORE I was taken", she sat back in
her seat, leaving her hands on his arms. 

"So, either you've had this tumor longer than you thought, and it's totally
unrelated to your abduction", he paused, thinking that, in that case,  there
would be no cure and he refused to  accept that,  "or you're psychic,
Scully."  He grinned at her, suddenly, and quite possibly irrationally,  more
optimistic.

"Personally, I think the latter explains our success rate", he quipped. 

Scully exhaled loudly. "I'm psychic", the disbelief evident in her voice.
 And the look she gave him was classic. She did feel slightly better though,
now that she remembered seeing her father's ghost. She struggled over the
word ghost even in her mind. 'God, I can't believe I'm thinking seriously
about this.'  She looked up at her partner. She hadn't meant to hurt him with
her omission. She had let her fears guide her actions. She'd let him down. 

"Mulder, that's beside the point, isn't it?" She tried to control the tremor
in her voice and didn't succeed. "I'm not sure exactly why I didn't tell you
about what I'd seen."  She paused, gathering thoughts and courage. "I'm so
afraid of admitting my fears, or that I need help, or that I don't understand
what's happening."  She looked at him. "I don't want you to think I'm
weak....or foolish."  

He gave her a disbelieving look. "I would think you foolish?"  He shook his
head. "Me?"  Mulder's voice couldn't possibly have been more incredulous.
 His hazel eyes met her blue eyes. She was serious, he realized. He sighed.

"Scully, listen to me. You can tell me anything. I am not going to judge you.
What we have together is incredibly important to me.  I need to know that you
trust me."  He took a deep breath. "Maybe you need me to say it."  He paused.
 "I need you, Scully, and I care about you. I trust you, and only you."

Scully felt tears on her cheeks again. "I'm scared, Mulder."

"Of me?", he asked softly. 

"Of making you even more important in my life than you already are",  she
said softly.  A little voice in her head whispered, 'not possible.' She
ignored it. She looked at him to see if he understood.

"I won't hurt you, Scully."  Mulder's voice nearly cracked. This was so much
more than it had seemed. It wasn't about their work, or the case, but about
them. About their partnership. Possibly about more than either was willing to
admit. 

"Please, Scully. Don't hold back. Not from me."  He whispered. "Not ever." 

"I won't, Mulder. I promise."  Scully brushed a hand across his arm gently.
 She looked at him for a long moment. 

"I have never valued a relationship as much as I value ours. I do trust you,
Mulder. I know you would never hurt me."  She took a deep breath.  "You mean
a great deal to me, Mulder."  Scully gave a small laugh, suddenly
embarrassed.  She felt like she might have said too much, then shrugged
mentally. It was the truth, and nothing but.

She looked up at him, asking with an almost hopeful grin,  "Better?"

"Don't hurt yourself, Scully",  Mulder replied dryly. 

"I meant every word, Mulder."  Scully wanted to make sure he believed it. She
watched him carefully, noticing the lack of tension around his eyes. Maybe he
did. She hoped so. 

"I know you did."  Mulder reassured her with a contented smile. 

They were silent for a minute, then Scully looked at him with a frown. 

"Psychic, Mulder?" she said sardonically.

"Psychic, Scully."  Mulder said with near-glee. He nodded his head once, in
affirmation.  Her answering groan made him laugh. 






fin