From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org Date: 9 Apr 2001 18:32:28 -0000 Subject: Prayers Not Answered by savagemom Source: direct Reply To: savagemama@hotmail.com TITLE: Prayers Not Answered AUTHOR: Savagemama E-MAIL ADDRESS: savagemama@hotmail.com FEEDBACK: Please, yes! DISTRIBUTION: Yes, just let me know so I can visit! DISCLAIMER: They're not mine, please don't sue me. SPOILERS: Three Words RATING: PG CLASSIFICATION: Post ep SUMMARY: Scully wonders about Mulder's unexpected behavior Prayers Not Answered For the first time since Mulder's return, Scully felt truly disappointed. She immediately chastised herself. It was a miracle he was alive at all. *You're being childish, * she told herself. She tried to return her mind to the feelings of pure joy she had felt when his hand had moved in hers, when she had realized that he could be treated, when she saw that the treatment was going to work. Those were the things to focus on right now, she knew. The rest would come in time. But still... The happy lovers' reunion she had visualized time and time again had not materialized, and she was... yes, she was disappointed. It had taken so many years for them to get to the place they were at together before his abduction, and now it felt like they were back at square one. It made Scully wonder if the deeper feelings between them had really been there at all. Had she built it all up in her head over the long months he was gone? Could she have misread things so completely? She didn't think so, but the possibility certainly existed. She felt herself finally crashing down from the long high she had been on. The disequilibrium was what bothered her the most. He just didn't seem as happy to see her as she was to see him, and it hurt. It had been difficult for her to show her feelings so many months ago... to go out on an emotional limb for him, so to speak... but she had finally done it, and now she felt herself dangling in an uncertain breeze. Having things this much out of balance was incredibly uncomfortable for her, and she knew things couldn't stay this way. He would either come around, or... or she would have to give him up. Again. She closed her eyes. Her thoughts danced across the events of the last few days, searching for clues, beginning with the moment his eyes had opened. "Did anyone miss me?" he had asked dully in response to her tearful embrace. She had dismissed his lack of emotion at the time; given all he had been through, what had she really expected? At the hospital, the focus had been on treating him. There had not been many opportunities to talk, and when he had tried to talk, she had encouraged him to rest and save his strength. "There will be plenty of time later..." she had told him. But later had come, and they had still not really talked. Now he was back to his old self. His passion for his work was back, his sense of humor, his cocky attitude, his paranoia... everything except his feelings for her, it seemed. When she had brought him home to his apartment, her hopes had risen. They were finally going to be alone together, and at last they would be able to have that reunion she had been imagining for so long. It had not happened. This time, she had not been able to hide her disappointment so easily. Was he upset that he had cleaned his apartment? Let one of his fish die? She had managed to keep the rest alive for all those months, or hadn't he noticed? Did it not occur to him what it had been like for her, making regular trips to his apartment, feeding his stupid fish, paying his bills, even after he had been dead and buried for 3 months? She remembered finding the dead molly in the tank so many months ago, and how she had cried uncontrollably, holding the little fish in her hand, not wanting to flush it, but not knowing what else to do. She had found it on a Friday night, and had wound up sleeping there again, clutching his unwashed tee-shirt to her face, knowing that his scent was already beginning to fade from it. When she had awakened the next morning, Scully had realized that this would have to end at some point. Hanging on to him like this was just too painful; this was not good for her or for the baby. She had vowed to take steps toward letting him go. *Soon* she had told herself. *I'll do it soon. * But she had not done it. Over and over, she had returned to his apartment, fed the fish, dusted, went through the mail, paid the bills. She had done this, trying not to remind herself of how ridiculous it was; keeping her hopeful ritual alive until the day she had brought him home. The day he had not only neglected to thank her, but had pointed out that one of the fish had died. Anger surged up in her at his ungratefulness. She wondered again how he could be so obtuse; was that all he had to say to her, after what she had been through for him? She instantly regretted the thought. After all, what she had been through was nothing compared with the months of hell he had so obviously endured. Also, it was not like him to be this way, she reassured herself. There must be something else going on with him. But what? Again, she wondered if she had been wrong about their relationship in the first place. Had the intimacy they had shared before merely been stud service? A favor for a friend? The baby shifted positions inside her and she considered it. What *did* Mulder think about the baby? When he had commented on her condition at the hospital, she had smiled at him and told him to rest. They would have plenty of time to talk about it later. Except he hadn't asked again about it. He had just made the comment that she must be happy, that he knew how much it had meant to her. *To her. * She had been speechless. He had apologized for being cold and ungrateful, and admitted that he didn't know where he fit in. Scully had wanted put her arms around him and tell him exactly where he fit in, but something had stopped her. She was out far enough on the limb without him, and she was afraid to take another step until she was sure of where he was. She felt wounded enough already. This was so far from how she expected he would react to the sight of her pregnant. She had expected joy, tears, concern... anything but the detachment he was showing instead. Did he not know that this was his child? Did he know, but not want to be involved? Did he think his involvement would be unwelcome? That she just used him to get pregnant? Was he just feeling left out? She tried to imagine what he must be feeling, and decided that any of these possibilities would cause him to proceed with caution with regard to the baby, and to Scully herself. His ego was fragile, and it was easy to imagine him assuming that she had what she wanted and no longer needed him, especially after she had lived without him for so long. Her life had gone on; new baby, new partner... she could imagine him wondering if he would only be in the way. She realized it would be up to her to make the first move. She needed to put to rest any misconceptions he might be having about where he fit in; where she wanted him to fit in if he was willing, and to reassure him that his involvement was more than welcome; it was the thing she had prayed for most of all. It was time for them to have the reunion she had imagined... or time for her to give up waiting for it. She realized she would be opening herself up to a painful rejection if her feelings were not returned, but it was a risk she was ready for. He needed to know the truth, and she could deal with the aftermath if need be. She crept out of her bedroom and into the dark living room, where Mulder was lying on the couch, a blanket partially draped over him. She had convinced him to sleep at her place for a while, not wanting to admit that she was secretly afraid of letting him out of her sight for long. When he had retired to the couch, she had not questioned him, despite the fact that she had been looking forward to having him back in her bed again. Now, she approached him, and saw he was awake. Without a word, he moved his legs to give her room to sit, and she did. They sat for a while in silence, and Mulder reached for her hand. Scully held his hand for a minute, stroking the back of it, thanking God once more that he was really here next to her; grateful for just this quiet moment together, regardless of what might come. Then, she gently placed his hand on her belly. The baby moved, and he took his hand away in surprise, but she returned it to the spot. Their eyes met. Mulder closed his, and a tear slid down his cheek. "We have a lot to talk about," Scully began. End From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org Date: 11 Apr 2001 01:48:39 -0000 Subject: Prayers Not Answered (Continued) by savagemom Source: direct Reply To: savagemama@hotmail.com TITLE: Prayers Not Answered (Continued) AUTHOR: Savagemom E-MAIL ADDRESS: savagemama@hotmail.com FEEDBACK: Please, yes! DISTRIBUTION: Yes, just let me know so I can visit! DISCLAIMER: They're not mine, but this is what I'd do with them if they were. SPOILERS: Three Words RATING: PG CLASSIFICATION: Post ep SUMMARY: The conversation which begins at the end of Prayers Not Answered Prayers Not Answered (Continued) "We have a lot to talk about," Scully began. Mulder opened his eyes and looked at her again in the dim light. This time, there was no attempt to hide the pain he was in. It was written clearly on his face, in his creased brow, in the way he averted his gaze as if he were afraid to hear what she had to say. Scully took a deep breath, prepared to speak, then stopped, waiting for better words to inspire her. Where to begin? Mulder's voice came first, barely above a whisper. "The baby, Scully..." "The baby is yours, Mulder." She gave it a moment to sink in. Yes, now he was getting it. Now he was beginning to understand. "But how? The IVF failed... did we..." He looked up at her, his eyes growing wide, the look of pain subsiding. "*Did we? *" She suppressed a smile. "We did. I don't really understand it myself, but we did." He returned his hand to her belly, and was rewarded with a kick. "By my calculations, it was about three weeks before we went to Oregon, which would put it around that night when..." She looked down, feeling suddenly shy. A nostalgic smile crossed his face. "Oh, yeah. *That* night." Their eyes met and held for a minute, the connection between them finally restored. "That was quite a night." "You're telling me," she muttered. They sat with that for a moment, feeling the baby's own participation in the conversation. "Wow. Is this a foot here?" Scully felt where his hand had been. "Probably a knee or an elbow. He's usually pretty active at night." Mulder looked up. "It's a boy?" She smiled. "Actually, I don't know. Today I think so. Some days I'm sure it's a girl." "I can't believe we did this, that this is my... I thought you had..." "What, you thought I had moved on with my life and made a baby without you a week after you disappeared? Found a new donor? Some other man?" "Well..." "Yeah, that's what I figured you were thinking. Mulder, you should know better. You should know *me* better by now. I found out about this the day you were taken. Remember how sick I was feeling in Oregon? I was already pregnant. Can you imagine how that must have been? Finding out I'd lost you and that I was pregnant all at once?" "No. No, I can't even imagine." His hands left her belly and moved to embrace her. "I'm so sorry, Scully. If only I'd known..." "I know." She rested her head against his chest, listening to the strong beat of his heart, thankful once again for the miracle of having him back alive. "All those months of searching, Mulder," she murmured into his chest, "all I could think of was how I had to have you back so you could share this with me. So we could feel these kicks together, so you could be with me when I gave birth, so we could count fingers and toes and change diapers together..." She paused, and then added hopefully, "This baby needs a father, Mulder. Are you up for that?" She braced herself, understanding that he might say no, that this hadn't been his idea in the first place. The long silence worried her, and she looked up at him. His eyes were closed, his head tipped back; he seemed lost in thought. "Mulder? If you need a while to think about it, I'll understand." "I thought you were planning to do this on your own," he said with caution. She winced. "I was crazy to think I could do this on my own. Besides, even then I was hoping I wouldn't have to. But I wanted it to be your decision and not something you felt pressured into." She watched him carefully, gauging his reaction. "Take some time if you need it. You've been through enough right now. I just wanted you to know where I stand." "No, Scully, I don't need to think about it. I've thought about it since the IVF. The worst part was trying to imagine *not* being parents together; watching you doing it alone from the sidelines, feeling left out of both of your lives. I would have hated that." His hand drifted back to her belly. "What if I'm no good at it?" She laughed, her eyes filling. "Oh, Mulder, you'll be a wonderful father." She hugged him as tight as she could, relief washing over her. "You think so?" he asked, smiling through his own wet eyes. "I guess someone has to teach this kid about baseball, and it probably wouldn't be you. I just wish I'd had a little more time to prepare. I'm seven months behind you." "Your fatherly instincts will kick in soon enough. Right now, I'm more concerned about keeping the baby safe from Krycek and who knows what else. We're going to need to make some plans before the birth." He nodded. "Strategy session tomorrow, I promise." He looked down at her face, resting against him, and stroked her hair gently. "I missed you so much." She pressed against him, wanting to be closer, tears flowing again. "I swore... if I ever had the chance to tell you, I wouldn't waste it... I've wanted to tell you for so long... I love you, Mulder. I've loved you for such a long time." "I know, Scully, I love you too." She lifted her head to face him, and their mouths met in one fluid motion. The kiss started out gentle, then grew in confidence, becoming passionate. *God, I've missed this, * Scully thought hazily as she tried to get more comfortable on the small sofa with him. He broke off the kiss, searching for a better position. "Come to bed," she half-whispered to him, taking his hand. He hesitated. "Are you sure? Is it okay?" She nodded and he stood, letting the blanket fall in a heap on the floor. As she led Mulder to bed, a warm feeling came over Scully. A word came to her mind, something she had scarcely dared to hope for, but which now enveloped her, washing over her in a healing flood. It throbbed in her mind as they rejoined on the bed. *Their* bed. It revealed her deepest wish, unexpectedly granted tonight, changing everything in a way she had not foreseen. It described what they would now be to each other. It came to her again, as she looked at his face, seeing it again for the first time. It was... Family.