From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org Date: 15 Jun 2001 18:13:43 -0000 Subject: Present Possibilities by aroraluna Source: direct Reply To: aroraluna@hotmail.com Title: Present Possibilities Author: aroraluna Email address: aroraluna@hotmail.com Archive: Yes Rating: PG Category: MSR Spoilers: Emily Summary: Late night thoughts and conversation Feedback: Please Disclaimer: They belong to CC. No infringement intended. Present Possibilities They wait in silence for the airport's shuttle come so they can get to long term parking and be done with it. The case was difficult, not in any investigative sense, but there was a palatable tension between them these last few days that usually arrives when they are out of their element. This time it was created by a search and rescue they were called into because more bodies were needed to fill out the search. It was tedious work, and it left Scully feeling restless and eager to be home. As she sits she feels the stirrings of her mind focus inward, on the emotions that have been bouncing off of the walls of the cage in which she has encased them for the last six years. This kind of introspection is usually triggered by a test of her faith, be it a case with religious connotations or a miracle inside her family's normal life. An event occurs and she is simultaneously amazed and humbled by the gravity of the things she believes. It causes some larger part of her to sit up and take notice of her life in ways that are difficult after years of suppressing her feelings. These times allow her to air out all her emotions and evaluate them for what they are and where they came from and she is grateful for that. She finds a certain amount of peace when she is able to complete the process as she reaffirms her belief in herself and her fate. She is comforted when she realizes that nothing has changed. She is still doing her best within the limits she have been given to her by God. That while there are things in her life that she lacks, she understands she that is not ready for them and must wait until He is ready to give them to her. The price of her precious rebirth of faith is the difficulty she has building the walls and slipping on the mask once again. It seems that each time takes more strength then the last and she is afraid of the time when her strength will fail her. Now, with Mulder sitting right next to her, she tries to quench the familiar thought patterns, knowing it will do her no good to have to endure the last hour of travel without her defenses. Just then, the shuttle pulls up and she is grateful for the distraction. In her enthusiasm she beats Mulder to the shuttle door and boards, looking for two empty seats away from the shuttle's other passengers. Just as she is about to sit down she glances up at the adjoining window and freezes. There, written in the dust of the city, is the name Emily. Maybe due to her mood or maybe it's the late hour, but the image is ghostly and it throws her. She quickly moves to a different seat but she knows Mulder has seen the pause in her stride and it won't be difficult for him to figure out its cause. It's not like she doesn't think about Emily, she does. In fact she is one of the few painful memories Scully allows herself to visit everyday. She feels she owes Emily this and hopes that somehow this will give her back a little bit of the life she lost. Scully just isn't used to her thoughts being broadcast so openly. In his favor, Mulder doesn't comment on her little display, probably thinking she needs time to rationalize it all away before dealing with him. The trouble is that she doesn't want to ignore the feelings that have started to rise to the surface. That image broke the last of her resolve to wait until she was home to open the floodgate of emotions and she can feel the transformation taking place. Apparently Mulder notices it too. He turns to her, opens and then shuts his mouth, obviously unsure of what to say. This kind of uncertainly is usually followed by a lame wisecrack or sometimes, if she is lucky, a bout of heavy silence. "Scully, there's something I'd like you to see, could you come up when you drop me off." Well that's unexpected, and awkward. She tries avoidance. "Mulder I'm tired, it's late," she trails off into a whine. "Okay, it's all right." His voice is soft and she feels bad for disappointing him but she doesn't need his coddling right now, she needs space. They exit the shuttle, Scully taking one last glance at the window, hoping for some kind of closure. They find her car and head home in complete silence and she feels her thoughts drift back to the exchange. Mulder didn't seem upset by her rejection, but there was something about his words that her subconscious will not let go. It will be hard for her to follow though with tonight's planned activities in her current state of mind. They arrive at Hegal Place and Mulder turns to her as she shuts off the engine and gets out of the car. "Scully?" "Does the offer still stand?" God, she's nervous. This is unfamiliar territory. "Of course." Wisely, he leaves it at that. One more comment filled with uncertainty from either of them and she would have bolted. Not like she won't bolt anyway, she thinks as Mulder unlocks the door to his apartment. She tries to calm herself. Mulder has something to show her, she'll look at it and then she'll leave and be able to go home and continue her introspection without nagging from her subconscience. She should have bothered to question why she was being nagged in the first place. Scully realizes as she walks into his apartment that Mulder is just as uneasy as she, which means that this mystery "thing" isn't just dead fish he wants her to flush. Or an article on radioactive mutant frogs, or his latest culture of refrigerator mold. She begins to list all of the more absurd possibilities in an effort to distract herself. "Would you like anything to drink?" Wow, a courteous Mulder, it must be something really bad, she knew she shouldn't have come. "Do you have anything besides tap water?" Ouch, she didn't mean for that to sound so testy. As long as she's here she might as well give him the benefit of the doubt. Besides, she's too keyed up to argue right now. "How does Earl Grey sound?" Her favorite. Had he been planning this? "I nabbed it from the office." Ahh, thank god. She was really beginning to worry. "I'd like that." She can even rationalize away the caffeine, she knows it is going to be a long night. She can hear Mulder rummaging around in the kitchen as she settles into the couch and it comforts her. A few minutes ago she was so much on edge she was ready to fall over, and now she's relaxed enough she could fall asleep right there. And then her tea comes and life gets even better. Mulder sits down, hands her the cup and then takes a long swig of his own drink in preparation. When after a few minutes he doesn't speak, Scully begins to feel impatient. "Mulder it's getting late, and really if there's nothing..." "There is something." A pause and raised eyebrow from her. That triggers a reaction. Mulder gets up and returns with a hand mirror. He holds it up for her so she can see her face. "Mulder what are you doing." "Just look, Scully. Really look at yourself. What do you see." "Mulder, this is ridiculous." "Just play with me here, please Scully." It was the please that got to her. Mulder never said please. "What do you want me to say Mulder. I see me." A small nod from him. "I see the person I've always been and always will be." Again, her mood influenced her and she kept rambling. "I see a person who's been doing her best to get the most out of what's been given to her in life." Suddenly he came to life, "That's it Scully. You look at yourself, and I'm not talking about mirrors here, but you look and you see a static person. Someone who has little or no control over her life. You've been walking though life expecting something to change you, to take away the pain and make you happy and all this time you don't realize that you have the ability to do that for yourself." Oh. She'd like to deny it but his words seem to strike something in her and although she's not ready to admit he's right, she feels like she needs to think about this new perspective. Her next words are tired, but they have a defensive tone to them, "How do you presume to know what I think about myself or my life." No sense in making this easy for him. Besides that, she really wants to know. "I know you Scully. You don't think I'm paying attention, but I am. That doesn't mean I have all the answers, or that I'm certain of where to find your happiness." "But you have an idea." "Maybe...no. That's up to you. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, that I haven't gotten everything in life that I want either and that's okay, but it doesn't mean I'm not looking for signs, something to tell me when it's time. Tonight...I wanted you to come up because I think that all of this was very close to the surface. But I have a feeling that tomorrow morning when I come into work, all of it will have disappeared out of sight." She nods, knowing this is true, but not sure she wants to encourage him. His last words come out just above a whisper, "That's all Scully. I just wanted you to know that I'm here, if you want me." Now she understands the motive behind his awkward speech, and this little visit makes sense to her. She turns to him with a new kind of tenderness. "Thank you, Mulder." He grins, and she's happy.