From: Theta Omega Date: Sun, 2 Jan 2000 15:44:22 -0000 Subject: NEW: PsiVamps, They Came and Sucked Us Dry Special Edition TITLE: PsiVamps, they came and sucked us dry! Double Edition, now with Two-Thousand Word Disclaimer. AUTHOR: Arbitrary Prometheus (me) FEEDBACK: Isn't it odd how when you say 'feedback me' it eventually turns into 'please.' no, there may be impressionable youths like me reading this. Feed my inbox, for are crunchy and go well with deep-fried Haddock!!! dave@uforesearch.fsnet.co.uk but don't be too brutal, this is my first effort. RATING: Just everyday stuff for me, but I'm the first to admit I have a warped psyche. and i'm 14 of course so i suppose R for no reason except that it's my favourite letter. Not for the weak of mind, stomach (will result in a mess on your keyboard), will (will result in brainwashing and total loss of all self-control, leaving you my mindless slave) or side (will result in splitting). CATEGORY: H SPOILERS: The one were X dies. And 'Dreamland' with the waterbed. AUTHORS NOTES AND SUMMARY: Sorry this isn't that good but i was drunk and i'm only fourteen and this is my first effort. For a start you have to pretend that X and the waterbed are alive at the same time. Maybe that therapist was right about me. It was originally intended to be serious but then it went a little wrong, I went without sleep for 14 days, and my friend and neighbour both went insane at the same time (hello to the residents of 'Pineview Home for Nutjobs'!) This is a double, first I got the ultimate in disclaimer technology, then asked around for insanity. OK, I can tell you don't think I'm insane, you are wrong. BTW thanks to Heather Scotland, after reading Aardvarks and Persimmon Cookies I finally flipped, actually it was the school bus, I guess I was laughing a little two hard but them's the prices for quality comedy. The airbag gave me the idea for the water-bed bit. Then thanks to SC for some of the other ideas. If you want to know what that means there's a fantabulous prize for the first correct answer. ARCHIVE: Anything that gets this story, which is possessed by the spirit of Baphomet off my machine is welcome. 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"Yes, sure, I only had a beer" replied Brian, with only a slight belch that sent small animals charging 15 degrees east of north flattening several square miles of woodland, an extremely surprised herd of cattle and a secret military installation. All ended happily for them as they met there long lost cousins the lemmings and helped them fulfil there lives ambition. which resulted in lemming burgers all round for a small Inuit village. "That's it, I'm driving." He started towards the driver side door, which, had it been conscious or self-aware in any way, would've said "Look out behind you!" just for the hell of it. "Hey, lighten up, I'm just kidding around" he said quickly, stopping him in his tracks and wondering how much he had had to drink as he could distinctly hear several exclamation marks on the end of a distant "MMMOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". "Well, if you're sure," he said, warily, awaiting another joke, as he stepped to the other door. He looked at the neon sign above him. 'Strippers of both sexes want you here, now!' Class. He noticed the two pieces of paper stuck to the bottom of the board read: 'Male stripper will return in three days after complete removal of genital warts' and 'Mistress Fiery Desire can now be seen at the 'Buttercup Home for the Senile and Generally Old and Insane'' As they pulled away from the restaurant the rain battered down on the roof of both cars and Edward pulled his collar up instinctively, although he was sheltered. He had a strange queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach, he hoped it was just an impending bowel movement caused by too many enchiladas, but he knew that this is what it felt like the last time. But still he retained hope. He vowed to never accept a drink proffered by a minion of the anti-Christ, a not uncommon problem in Manhattan.. But this time he was ready. He clutched his camera to reassure himself that it was still there and searched desperately for an antacid. He looked out of the hatch of the estate and rubbed his eyes as he saw several remarkable specimans of bovinehood flying through the air. He swore he heard a loud thud in the distance and one of the stars looked like it moved. And from that speck of light emitted a terrible howl, "Now I've dropped my damn fag!!". This time he had a camera and plenty of witnesses. Or diversions if the aliens tried anything. Brian waved at him as the lead car pulled further ahead. The lead car disappeared around a corner, now obscured by trees the second cars engine came to a shuddering halt. Edward wondered why the second car had yet to appear round the bend. Brian looked around at the interior of the vehicle but now it was dark so he couldn't judge the landscape outside. Vague outlines became visible in trees, getting more distinct as an unidentified light grew brighter. Angela was jolted awake as the second car came to a halt and asked Brian "Why have we stopped? Are we there already?" having no idea how long she had been asleep. Brian tried in vain to restart the car but not even a choke emerged from the dormant engine. Michael saw a light behind the trees. "Hey, guys, I think there's a big-rig coming." They all watched as the light become brighter until it encompassed everything they could see. The light stayed silent but they heard a whine in their ears that sounded like it came from their own minds. They sat there mesmerised until the light abruptly vanished. They got out of the car and headed for the corner to see what could have caused the light, and were shocked as their car spontaneously jumped into life behind them. As they rounded the corner they saw their friends car with the engine running and lights on in the centre of the road. As they approached, they noticed the car was empty. They started to panic. Brian tried the door but it was locked, from the inside, "The light!" They all stood around wondering why they said something so stupid. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Basement Office, J. Edgar Hoover Building, Washington, DC. 9:17am ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Mulder stood in his office leafing through a case file. "Hey, Scully, how does a trip to Vermont sound?" he asked as his partner entered. "Like a lot of pointless travel to get frostbite?" she replied, grabbing a case-file for her laugh-a-minute daily read. "Frostbite's nothing to sneeze at. I've got information about five disappearances last night. They all disappeared from a locked car after a bright light caused their engine to fail." She just about stopped herself laughing, "WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?" "This is my favourite trenchcoat, you like?" "'Alien Uncovered'?" "Cool, huh? I got it in Reno, at the premiere of PsiVamps, They Came and Sucked Us Dry" "They Came and.? No, I don't want to know." She took a longer look as he twirled for her "You do realise that that alien has no pants, right?" "Did you ever see an alien with pants? Besides you should have seen the one Byers bought, boy are Reticullans hot." A tuneless rendition of 'F#@$ Me Hard and Kill Me Quickly' by The Ammonium Phosphates blasted through the ceiling and Mulder started hopping around like a man possessed by someone in an epileptic fit playing air guitar. He bounced onto the desk and hit the ceiling. And the rain started. Pencils and sunflower seeds fell around them. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH, MY SECRET STASH!!!" Mulder scrambled on the floor, salvaging what he could of his prized collection of rare varieties of seeds. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" said the little cowwie who was mutilated. Then he perked up suddenly. "Scully, whatever you do DO NOT move your head." "What is it?" she asked, batting at her head, "Is it a bug?" "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo," said the little cowwie who was hybridised "you've destroyed our only proof of the existence of extra-terrestrial biological entities!" "What?" "There was a seed-circle in your hair!" "Of course there was, how silly of me." She decide it would be prudent to change the subject. "So I suppose you think they were abducted by aliens?" "How well you know me, Scully." He said, clambering from the floor "Come on, Scully, these five people have disappeared and the local PD aren't interested because some of the people who reported the disappearances have also claimed to have seen alien craft in the past." "Your kind of people, Mulder. Where did you get this information, anyway." Mulder looked apprehensive as he looked at his partner, who was waiting for his reply. He knew she would be even more sceptical when she heard his answer "The people in the car behind reported it to MUFON and they thought it was right up my street." "MUFON, huh, that makes sense." "Come on, it's lovely this time of year in Vermont" ------------------------- Outside Mulder's Apartment 10:32am ------------------------- Scully woke up in a car outside Mulder's Apartment. He had gone inside to get some things the night before and hadn't returned. She looked up into his window and was surprised to see the sign of the 'X' on it. She rushed upstairs and on arriving her eyes beheld a terrible sight. She did the mash. She did the Monster mash. "Hey," said Mulder, "I was hoping for X, I need some secret government information." He dribbled by her with a highly inflated waterbed. "What about?" "I need to know how they killed the blob." "Why??!" "Didn't you notice? The room's covered in blob-spawn." She looked around at the room. It was covered in pine smelling green goo. "What is this stuff?" "I decided to mop. But the carpet got in the way so I tore it up. That reminds me, what get's swamp goo out of carpet?" "Having Fun?" At hearing that tone in her voice he halted his plans for throwing another pint of pine goo on the floor and brushing away the standing water. He stopped bouncing the bed and decided to make music with pots and pans. -------------------------- Redwood, Vermont -------------------------- The MUFON man stripped off his superhero cape and sat behind his desk to await the arrival of Mulder and Scully after a long night of protecting cattle everywhere. And from the direction of Washington DC came a bonechilling scream. --------------------------------- Scream Ground Zero Washington DC --------------------------------- "Scully," he whined "now you've frightened Garfunkle" "Garfunkle? Garfunkel? Garfunkle? Garfunkel?" "Yeah, the original was Simon the Sunflower and I couldn't think of another name that starts with an S and after I got the fish food and plant food mixed up Simon died so as this was his brother I chose garfunkle. Wow, how did you get your hair to stand right on end like that Scully? Scully, what are you doing with Garfunkle?" And radar across the country went berserk.