From: "Kate Lesky" <capnkate88@hotmail.com>
Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 11:29:58 MST
Subject: Queen of Crime Scene by Kate Lesky
Source: direct

TITLE: Queen of Crime Scene
AUTHOR: Kate Lesky
EMAIL: Please! at: redheaded_skeptic@eudoramail.com or 
capnkate88@hotmail.com
RATING: PG
CATEGORY: X, V, H
SPOILERS: rather major for Mind's Eye, and a mention of Monday
KEYWORDS: boredom
SUMMARY: Scully disses a clueless lecturer.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is a dialogue story, sort of.  So thoughts are in 
*stars,* Mulder's writing is in <arrows,> and Scully's writing is in 
=equals.=  I really did write in neat Scullycursive and messy Mulderprint, 
and it looked really cool.  Also, I wrote this during a Biology movie, all 
in a few hours, so it's sort of, well...
DISCLAIMER: CC and Fox and 1013 and GA and DD own this. And as if anyone 
wanted the lecturer, he's mine.

     Dana Scully was bored.  She hated seminars, and today's seminar was not 
something she needed to be helped in: crime scene analysis.  *After all, 
when you specialize in paranormal events, you get pretty good at getting all 
the evidence.*  Speaking of paranormal, where was Mulder?  The seminar had 
started twenty minutes ago, and he was never late.  *Except for that one 
time when his waterbed broke.*  She knew that he would hate this seminar 
just as much as her, and something dawned on her... *He couldn't have... he 
wouldn't...he didn't DITCH me?  Did he?*
     Just as she was beginning to get angry, she saw him slip in the side 
door, a manila folder stuffed with paper clutched in in hand.  He tiptoed 
over and sat down next to her, then slid the folder across the table to her. 
  She opened it: expense reports...some of them were up to three cases old.  
*Grr, he dings up the rental car, then expects me to take care of the 
bills?*  "Why, thank you, Mulder."  She smiled at him sweetly, and he 
returned a lopsided grin.  Just then she noticed the lecturer glaring at 
them (they were in the back row), so she pulled out a pad of paper and 
scribbled a question in her neat cursive:
     =You're not usually late.=
     <Sorry.  I locked my keys in the car.  I tried to use a lockpick, but 
it just set off the car alarm, and the police came.  They got my keys out 
for me.>
     =Don't you have a spare set?=
     <No.  I lost them a long time ago.  If I did, they'd be in the 
apartment, and I already locked it.  What's going on with the lecture?>
     =Crime scene analysis.=
     <Who sent us to this?  We don't need this, Scully.  You are the Queen 
of Crime Scene.>
     =Is that a compliment?  And it's one of those mandatory seminars: 
everybody goes every four years.=
     <Of course it's a compliment.  And it makes me the King of Crime 
Scene.>
     =You'd only be king if we were married.=
     <So?>
     =We're not married.  You can be a prince.=
     <That can change.  Besides, there's no way I'd be subordinate to you.>
     =You already are.  Even more if we were married.=
     <Even in bed?>
     =Especially in bed.  Now shut up and pay attention.=
     <I didn't say anything.  And I am paying attention.>
     =Paying attention to what?=
     <Why you, of course, O Queen.>
     =You don't sound very kingly now.  Definitely subordinate.  hmm...=
     <Scully! You have a dirty mind!>
     =You're the one who brought it up!=
     <That's OK.  I wouldn't mind that last suggestion.>
     =Suggestion?=
     <Yeah.  The 'definitely subordinate hmm' part.>
     =I said, shut up!=
    Just then Mulder got a reason to shut up.  The lecturer was giving an 
example of good crime scene analysis.  A familiar example of good crime 
scene analysis...
     "Scully!" whispered Mulder excitedly. "Recognize this scenario?"  She 
listened for a moment, then realized, "That's OUR case!"
     They listened, attentively for once, as the lecturer filled in the 
details of the crime scene, and the hidden murder weapon Scully had found.  
Some of the other agents seemed impressed.
     <Hear that, Scully?  We're impressing them.  Of course, nobody would 
believe any of it if the guy went on to tell about the telepathic 
connection.>
     =What do you want to bet he won't name names?=
     <$20 says he doesn't even know his great investigators are the unruly 
agents in the back of the room.>
     Scully laughed aloud.  =I'll bet he *has* heard all about Spooky, 
though, and he knows what to expect from you.=
     <I wonder if he's heard about Mrs. Spooky?>
     =You mean, the wonderful Agent Scully, Crime Scene Investigator 
Extraordinaire?=
     <I mean, the beautiful Queen Scully, superior in all ways.>
     =Superior is right.=
     They were both so engrossed in writing out their conversation that 
neither noticed the lecturer glaring at them again, halfway through the 
description of the crime scene.
     "Ahem!"  Now they noticed.
     "Agents, since you're not paying attention back there, may I correctly 
infer that you know the details of this scene and the location of the 
weapon?"
     Scully looked over at Mulder.  He gave her a big smile, and she decided 
to be bold.  "Yes."
     The lecturer glared even harder.  "Go on, Agent."
     "Well," she began, "the suspect was found at the scene wearing gloves, 
a sponge, and a bottle of 409, with which she was trying to clean up the 
blood.  The victim had a C-shaped cut over the left kidney, and died of 
blood loss.  This could not have been inflicted by the suspect, since she is 
legally blind.  No weapon could be found until a few days later, when an 
agent assigned to the case found a bloody razor blade in a disposal slot in 
the wall.  The suspect, who had insisted on incriminating herself, was later 
cleared of this crime, though she was convicted of a later murder."
     The room was silent.  The lecturer stared, and all the others in the 
room had turned in their seats to gape at her, except Mulder, who was 
slouching in his chair with a smirk spread across his face.
     "Ahh...a-and you know all this how?  I did not give most of that 
information."  He glanced down at his notes.  "In fact, *I* didn't know a 
lot of that.  Would you care to explain?"
     "Out of curiosity, sir, do you know the names of the agents on that 
case?"
     He glanced at his notes again.  "It says 'DS' and 'FM.'"  He was now 
genuinely curious.
     Mulder was snickering now, his hand over his mouth.  Scully elbowed him 
in the ribs; he took a deep breath and calmed himself.  She stood up.
     "I am Special Agent Dana Scully, and this is my partner, Fox Mulder.  
That was our case."
     There was no way anyone could have been more shocked.  The lecturer 
stuttered, "Uh-h, I see.  Well, ah, I guess I don't have anything to add.  
Class dismissed, then."
     Mulder laughed and stood up.  "Come on, M'lady.  I'll treat you to 
lunch in exchange for getting us out of this.  You really are the Queen of 
Crime Scene, Scully."  With one hand on the small of her back, he gracefully 
led her toward the exit, through a crowd of agents staring gratefully.


Yes, it's very un-Scully-like, but Scully can do whatever she darn well 
pleases.  Tell me what you think: email me at either of the addresses listed 
at the top.