From: "Kate Lesky" Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 11:27:43 MST Subject: Queequeg by Kate Lesky Source: direct TITLE: Queequeg AUTHOR: Kate Lesky EMAIL: Please! at: redheaded_skeptic@eudoramail.com or capnkate88@hotmail.com RATING: G CATEGORY: V SPOILERS: set between Clyde Bruckman and Quagmire KEYWORDS: UST (minor) SUMMARY: Mulder spends the day with Scully's dog, who attracts women. AUTHOR'S NOTES: I wrote this during summer school, and it's another one of my fluff pieces. DISCLAIMER: I suppose the plot, and the jogger are mine, but that's about it. Don't sue...I don't even own the computer I wrote this on. RRIINNGG!! RRIINNGG!! *Aw, shit,* thought Mulder as he rolled over and grabbed his phone. *And I was having such a nice dream, too. The kind where Scully and I were--* RRIINNGG!! RRIINNGG!! He punched the 'on' button. "Mulder." "It's me." "Scully, it's..." He leaned over to look at his clock, only to discover that it was 10:39, and he shouldn't complain about her waking him up. "...Saturday," he finished. "I know, and that's why I'm going to visit my mom. We have a lunch date, and I need someone to watch Queequeg." "Wha' for?" asked Mulder drowsily. "He got taken to the vet yesterday, and he's..." Scully trailed off. "He's what?" asked Mulder, more interested and now fully awake and sitting up. "He's wearing one of those lampshade things," Scully admitted. "Hey!" she cried as Mulder burst out into laughter. "It's not funny!" "I'm sorry." Mulder calmed himself. "So you wanted me to watch Queequeg?" "Yes. He can't eat with the 'lampshade' on, but I can't leave it off or he'll scratch himself to bits. He needs to be walked, too. You'll only have to stop by for half an hour." "Sure. Noon OK? I've got a key." "Yeah. Thanks." "OK. Bye." "Bye." Mulder clicked off the phone and climbed out of bed. *Oh, yay, the flesh-eating fuzzball. Well, anything for Scully, huh?* An hour and a half later, as his key was scratching into Scully's lock, the yipping started. As he opened the door he saw poor Queequeg, dwarfed by his "lampshade," yapping with all his might from behind the coffee table. "Hey there, little fella." Mulder crouched down next to the table and held out his hand. The dog sniffed it warily. *I wonder if he likes me? He probably loves me; I smell like Scully. Or maybe if I feed him.* He stood up again and went into the kitchen. "Lunchtime!" he called. "Wonder where she keeps the dog food." There was a note on the counter leading Mulder to a stack of little tins in the cupboard. He picked one up and read the label. " 'Tender Chicken in Gravy.' Man, this dog eats better than I do. I had leftover pizza and Chinese last night." He found a can opener and got the lid off, scraping the smelly glop inside into a blue bowl marked "Quee." "Maybe I do eat better than you," Mulder said as he threw out the empty can, "but you have better dishes." He removed the "lampshade" from Queequeg's neck and let him eat. Mulder himself started rummaging through Scully's refrigerator. *I've gotta get myself a dinner invite some time. I think my fridge has a 12-pack and some three-week-old salami.* He emerged with a couple of chocolate chip cookies. Mulder sat down at the kitchen table and ate them while watching Queequeg eat his...glop. When they were both done with lunch Mulder put Queequeg's "lampshade" and leash on him, and the fuzzball led the way out the door and to a park down the street. As Queequeg was leading Mulder down a shady path, a pretty female jogger caught up with him. *Hellooo, Nurse!* thought Mulder as he caught a glance at the woman beside him. She was tall, blonde, and her tight black sports bra was jiggling as she walked. "Hello," said the woman with a sly smile. "My name's Jeni. What's yours?" "Uh, F--Mulder," he stuttered. *This is new,* he thought, * usually I have to make the first move.* "Hmm, interesting name. That your dog?" "Uh, no, Queequeg belongs to--my girlfriend." *Where on earth did THAT come from?! I WISH!* "Girlfriend? How sweet of you to do that for her. I'd be too embarrassed to parade around with a dog--like that," she said, indicating the "lampshade." "I think the dog's more embarrassed than me. I've done some pretty strange things for...Dana. This is relatively normal." *Where is all this coming from? My brain says I'm totally ruining my chances with this woman, but my mouth doesn't care,* Mulder thought. "Really? Like what?" Jeni asked, more interested now. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you." "Try me." "Well...I once saved her from having her head chopped off by some townspeople in Arkansas who were trying to prolong their lives by cannibalism," said Mulder, with a totally straight face. Jeni stared. "You--You're serious, aren't you?" "Totally," replied Mulder. *I think I've scared her,* he realized. *I should make a graceful exit as soon as possible.* "Um, hey, it was nice meeting you, but I have to get back now. Dana's going to be home soon, and I think she'd like to find her dog there." "Oh. Well maybe we'll see each other again," Jeni said as Mulder turned around toward the way he had come. "Uh, yeah. Come on, Quee. Let's go home." The little dog emerged from behind a tree and went toward Mulder at a brisk trot. He let out a shrill bark. "Yeah," responded Mulder, "me, too." Jeni watched the retreating figures. "Y'know," she said to herself, "if he's telling the truth, I'm jealous of Dana." Scully got to her apartment about two minutes after Mulder did. "Hey," she called when she saw him. "You're still here?" "Yes. Queequeg and I just got back from a nice, long walk in the park. He's having a good day, despite his 'lampshade.'" "Good." Scully reached down to scratch her dog's head. "Would you like something to drink, Mulder?" "Ah, no thanks. I have to get home soon." *Liar.* "I'm expecting a caller," Mulder fibbed. "OK. I'll see you on Monday, then." "OK. Bye." Mulder let himself out. As he went to his car, he thought, *What's wrong with me? I lie to a pretty woman to be with Scully, then lie to Scully to be with--who? My own lazy ass on my couch.* He got in his car and left, still wondering.