From: BNLXPhile12@aol.com Date: Mon, 28 Jun 2004 14:01:49 EDT Subject: Queer Eye For The Fibbie Guy Source: direct Title: Queer Eye For the Fibbie Guy Author: Barenaked Bostonian Rating: R, for language and jokes. Disclaimer: None of em are mine, I swear. Category: Humor, crossover Summary: The Fab 5 meet the newest straight guy: Fox William Mulder. Feedback: To BNLXPhile12@aol.com, or just IM me at BNLXPhile12. I'd love to hear from you. --- "If you're in the D.C. metro area and think that the Fab 5 can help you..." Scully's ears perked up when she heard what the television was anouncing. Th e program was going on tour? This was positively amazing! New episodes of he r greatest guilty pleasure. She wondered what other cities they were touring for new straight guys to make over. Scully turned her attention back to the vegetables she was chopping for dinner. She was just reaching over to snag her wine glass when the phone rang. Sighi ng, she toweled her hands and reached for the cordless. "Hey Scully, I just wanted to let you know I'm on my way, your mother isn't there yet is she?" I n the background she heard the sound of a horn blaring angrily and a loud re ndition of a choice obsenity from Mulder. "Uh, no, no they're not." Scully s aid and returned to the kitchen. Mulder was complaining in her ear as she pr etended to listen, sipping merlot. "Uh huh, uh huh, no, the gunmen haven't a rrived yet- Because I'm making them wear ties too- It'd better match Mulder-= No, Mulder- Just, I'll see you soon." And she hung up, exasperated. It occured to Scully that Mulder wasn't really good at any social function t hey had been to. Whether it be an F.B.I. function or a simple family dinner,= her partner always arrived late, inappropriate attired, with little or noth ing to say. He seldom cared enough to make his boredom and always made inopp urtune comments at inoppurtune moments. More often than not, Fox Mulder succ eeded in truly embarrassing her. It had to end sometime, perhaps she would g et around to telling all of this to her partner sometime in the near future.= Dropping the phone on the counter, she popped a chunk of yellow pepper into her mouth and washed it down with the last of her wine. She went back to cho pping just as she heard the announcement once again. "If you're in the D.C. metro area and think that the Fab 5 can help you-" Just as it cut to commercial, a truly insane idea popped into Special Agent Dana Scully's head. This would be a perfectly wonderful and virtually harmle ss way to pay her partner back for all of the ditchings and arguements and r uined Donna Karen suede pumps. Resigning herself to her choice, she logged o nto her laptop and sent a very detailed email to info@thequeereye.com. Sitti ng back in her chair, Dana Scully laughed- a little sadistically. She laughed even harder when, a week later, she received a confirmation emai l telling her that the production staff would be glad to take on such a pres tigious project. Three weeks after Scully's initial email, there was a rather hasty and ethus iastic knock at the door of apartment forty-two. Mulder's partner had warne d him that something was afoot, as he could not go into the experience compl etely uprepared. She had also been sure to see to it that Mulder had caught a view episodes here and there. One episode had actually sparked a discussio n about the decor in Mulder's bachelor pad. Scully had held a strange sort of delight with Mulder's delight over the sho w. Perhaps her plan could work out well for the both of them. Mulder would g et new decor and Scully would get to see him suffer. Everybody would win- pe rhaps. The day before the fabulous five were to enter Mulder's life and change it f or the better, Scully alluded to her plan. "Mulder, would it be alright if I stopped by tomorrow morning? I have a few files to drop off before I go to my mother's." She smiled, and turned away for a moment, attempting to make t he self-made mirth in her eyes. "And a few friends might be stopping over." Mulder, however, was lost in his own world of college basketball and heard o nly every third word she said. "The guys are out of town." He changed the ch annel and lost himself in another program. Scully sighed a bit and stepped i n front of the television. Hands on hips, she spoke. "I'm not talking about the guys Mulder- I'm talking about *special* guests." Although Scully made a grand attempt to play it cool, she allowed a hint of hilarity to slip into her voice. At the sound of it, Mulder raised his head. "Scully... that's something I usually say. What are you up to?" Sensing Muld er's apprehension, Scully moved to sit down aside her partner on the couch. He looked to her and then flicked the channel once more. "Hey, Scully! It's that gay show!" Mulder's excitement spurred his partner to speak. She began slowly. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about actually. I, uh... well what I'm trying to say..." Mulder's attention was now focused on her and he opened hi s eyes a tad wider to prompt her to finish what she was saying. Clearing her throat, she finished. "They're gonna be dropping by tomorrow." "Who... are gonna be dropping by tomorrow?" Scully smiled rather apologetica lly and let her eyes flit to the television. Mulder, wearing a terrified loo k, glanced at the TV as well, just as Carson's image appeared on the screen.= His mouth dropped open just as his pupils dilated. Mulder turned back to Sc ully, stuttering. "You, you didn't. You couldn't." Mulder paused for a moment and Scully conti nued to smile. "Did you!?" Scully made a quick move to get off the couch at Mulder's stunned reaction. She wasn't exactly sure that Mulder would react as she had hoped. Walking br iskly to the foyer she grabber her coat off of the eight ball and swung it o ver her shoulders. "Scully- Scully, you didn't, this is high profile shit. M y face'd be all over television. Exposure that I'd just as soon avoid right now." Mulder sounded exasperated, which tickled Scully in ways she chose to ignore. "Well Mulder, there's next to nothing I can do now. I signed a waive r. But just think, you get to have a complete makeover and all for free!" Sc ully brought her hand up and gently slapped him on the cheek. "Live a little ." She smiled again and in a few strides, made it to the door. "Usually you're the one who tells *me* to open my mind. See you in the morni ng." And in one fluid movement she was gone, leaving a confused and upset Mu lder standing in her wake. --- Neither of them slept well that evening. Mulder was filled with nervous anti cipation, as was Scully, but Scully continued to be tickled. She finally fel l asleep somewhere in the vicinity of two in the morning, waking at six to g et to Mulder's on time. She paid extra attention to her makeup. If she was t o be on camera, she intended to look good. Mulder, however, woke only when h e heard her loud knock at the door, pulling him from his reckless slumber. "Morning bright eyes!" She greeted, pushing her way past him and into his li ving room. Mulder stared for a moment into the hall, ran a hand through his ruffled hair and picked up the paper. "Morning to you too." Scully set two p aper cups down on the coffee table and sat back, once again smiling. Mulder,= still out of it, sat next to her on the soft leather and picked up a cup. "= You will not appease me with Starbucks." He said and took a long sip from th e cup. He closed his eyes for a brief moment of bliss. "Or I could be wrong.= " Scully was, at this point, entirely too happy with herself. Flipping Mulder a smug grin, she sent him off to the shower, leaving her in the silence of h is living room. All too suddenly, she felt lonely, as if she didn't know wha t to do with herself. She was torn between making an attempt to tidy up his "war zone" or let it simmer. Resigning herself to waiting, she placed hersel f back on the couch and waited for Mulder to finish his cleansing routine. B y the time Mulder finally sauntered into the room, Scully had browsed throug h most of Mulder's back issues of Sports Illustrated and made sure that his "adult reading" was convieniently out of site- in the wastebasket. Mulder discarded his towel on his desk chair and mussed his hair with both o f his hands. Finally running his hands over his wrinkled tee-shirt, he slipp ed on his dirty sneakers and presented himself to his partner. The look on h is face made it seem as if he was proud of himself, but Scully frowned. "Wha t?" Mulder responded, almost feeling hurt, but waiting for her response. Aga in, Scully gave him the once over and he looked down to examine himself self -consciously. "Is this bad?" Looking over his shoulder, he checked out his b ackside, and looked back to Scully. Flippantly, she chuckled. "They're going to have a *field day* with you!" Suddenly, there was a violent knock at the door. From behind it came a muffl ed explanation. "Police! We have a warrent to gay up this apartment." Gleami ng, Scully made her way to the door and swung it open ethusiastically. In fr ont of her stood the five most popular gay men on the planet: the Fab Five. Their smiles matched her own. She stepped back to allow them into the apartm ent. Filing in one by one they all greeted Scully. Carson grasped both of Scully'= s hands and administered a kiss to each cheek. "You're a goddess to realize this boy needs help." He turned his flamboyant energy to Mulder. "And you! Y ou are under arrest for..." He thought for a moment. "For conspiracy to... d o this!" Gesturing with his hands he looked around the apartment. Kyan, who was standing behind him, nodded, and left to begin exploring the apartment. "Okay, what is this? Alright, see here, waterbeds went out with teased hair.= This has to go." Thom said, cringing as he peeled back a layer of bedspread . He saw the condition of the fitted sheet underneath and cringed again. "We 're gonna have to fix that." Back in the kitchen, Jai and Ted were sorting through the contents of Mulder 's cabinets. The clutter was overwhelming in some, the sparsness surprising in others. Ted reached and pulled out a bent and battered caulender. "Oh loo k, apparently he drains his sheet metal in this as well." He tossed it into the large trash bag at his feet. Jai moved from the cabinets, obviously conf used, to the refrigerator. He anticipated and was greeted with the worst. "O ctober '97, he's living like a frat boy up in here. I'm surprised it hasn't fermented." Jai placed the bottle on the counter and moved over to Mulder's stove. It was caked with grease and grime. "Yeah, this is the worst kitchen yet." Ted said and tied the bag at his feet and threw it out the window. It hit the pavement with a loud clang. "Paaaaaar-tay!" Carson yelled from the foyer. Mulder was positively out of his mind with rage for Scully but was highly am used by the five men who had invaded his home. He could hear Scully speaking with Kyan in his bathroom. Sensing the amusement in her voice he mauvered h is way between the cameramen and the homosexuals until he could hear her mor e clearly. "Well he never really does anything with his hair, he either has the "Just R olled Out Of Bed" look or the "I Think I'm Twenty Years Younger" look. It's impossible. It's too long, always hanging down into his eyes..." Kyan reached into Mulder's medicine cabinet as Scully looked on. "And econom y size gel. The man has such wonderful hair too." Meanwhile, Thom had switched places with Kyan and Scully and was critiquing the bathroom. "It's surprising, this mildew has been here since the Nixon ad ministration. Dana? Darling?" Scully came out of the bedroom and peered arou nd the door. "Does he clean at all? Ever?" Thom lifted the toilet seat and p eered into the bowl. He shrugged. "Better than most." "To tell you the truth, I don't think he has time to tidy up. I don't know w here I find the time. We're always either in the office or out on a case." S cully's eyes traveled the walls and landed on the toilet bowl. "Better than most." Thom nodded while pulling the soiled yellow towels off of the towel r ack. He tossed them in the wastebasket and washed his hands. "See, what we w ant to do with this place is bring a little more of him into this apartment.= I think we're going to try and shy away from all of the earthy tones, okay?= See, all this yellow, it's entirely too drab all at once. So we're gonna tr y and break it up a bit. Is there a color he's partial to?" Scully thought for a moment. "Well, he is red-green colorblind. So anything with any red or green tinge would be bad. I know he likes blue, and purple, he just doesn't know how to integrate the purple into..." She trailed off an d gestured with her hands. Thom nodded. "Okay, we can do that... though integration rarely seems to work. Perhaps we should torch the place... and start fresh." Thom looked at the room skeptic ally and sighed. --- Mulder was in the bedroom with Carson as he sifted through the content of Mu lder's closet. "How nice! Olive!" Carson took the offending blazer and tosse d it onto the waterbed, the water bed which held all of the trash that was t o be disposed of. "Hmm... okay, the fifth charcoal suit. This has to go." C arson tossed Mulder's favorite suit on top of the growing mound. "Fox, you w ere blessed with a wonderful name... in the gay community that is. Let's wor k off of it." Carson pulled out a heap of grey tee shirts, and threw them ov er his shoulder, neary of where they landed. "I don't have a witty comment f or the ob*scene* amount of grey you own." Mulder chuckled and Carson walked up to him and stroked his cheek. "For a man who has to wear alot of suit, yo u have virtually none... that are acceptable to wear." As Jai was checking out Mulder's pornogrpahy collection that Scully had miss ed and admonishing him aloud, Thom has moved into the foyer. He was staring at Mulder's coat rack and toggling between liking it and hating it. As Thom was pointing it out to Ted, Mulder saunted in and stepped in front of it. "N o, this is not going anywhere. I don't care if you have to model the apartme nt around it." Ted simply looked a Thom, pursed his lips and walked away. "T ouchy." Thom said and followed Ted into the kitchen. Ted began gesturing to the grease-spattered walls and the decrepid "pot cadd y" that was suspended from the ceiling. "The man-" Ted said rather headedly,= "Is living in the 80's." Thom laughed, just as Carson, who was finally fed up with Mulder's extensive collection of gray, entered the kitchen. "Darling , so is his closet. I say we forego the shopping and such and just-" He pick ed up a rather flamboyant neon yellow pan and tossed it out the open window.= "Just torch the place. Thom, who had said the same not five minute before, began laughing harder. Scully, attracted by all the laughing, walked into the kitchen. Mulder soon followed her. "What's so funny?" He inquired, smiling reflexinvely. Scully, sensing what was coming, hid the grin that was crawling up on her cheeks wit h the back of her hand. "Well, we were wondering if this was a lost cause." Jai supplied, training h is eyes on Mulder and subtlely checking him out. Crossing his arms, Mulder t ook on a defensive position. Quickly, he tried to make eye contact with Scul ly and enlist her help, but she was far too interested in a Chinese food men u that was posted haphazardly on Mulder's refrigerator. Either she was inter ested in the varios kinds of egg fu yung or she was avoiding eye contact wit h her partner. He directed his attention back to the men. Carson was picking bits of dust off of his Cashmere sweater. Absent mindedly , he spoke. "You can't stay a bachelor forever." He looked up, smiled and we nt back to picking at his sweater. "But it's time to get her out of here!" C arson said suddenly, and shocked Scully by gently pushing her towards the do or. The five other men followed as the duo made their way to the door. "We'll see you later dear! We'll try to keep him out of trouble." Carson win ked in a rather come-hither way and shut the door in Scully's face. Checking Mulder out, he grabbed his bicep. "The fox has done good for himself. Now l et's see what we can dig up for him at Barney's." "I've got buisness to attend to as well boys!" Kyan said and moved to stand next to Carson. Thom took the keys from his pocket and moved past all three of them to the door. "As do I boys, and I'm driving!" Thom waved and winked at Jai and Ted and disappeared through the door. Carson made a grand gesture of making sure his own ass looked good as he made his way towards the door.= He paused only to let Mulder through and checked out the agent's ass as wel l. Laughing, Ted shut the door and went to work in the kitchen. --- Tom, Kyan, Carson and Mulder pulled out into the busy weekday traffic that D .C. generally had to offer. Carson looked at himself and the review mirror a nd fixed his hair. "Alright, Thom, I'm dropping you and Foxy here off at Pier 1 and I'll be by to pick him up later. Carson, I'm just going to leave you on a corner and le t you fend for yourself. See what you can pick up." The men laughed and Cars on shot Kyan a rather wounded look. "Thanks doll, I'll be sure to pay you ba ck for that." As per usual, the men jumped out of the car and ran on their m erry ways as Kyan pulled the large, lumbering Suburban back into traffic. Thom was all too excited to take Mulder into Pier 1. Once inside, Mulder was taken aback by the furniture he was presented with. It was all so modern, s o hip, so- not him. As he followed Thom though the lines of chairs and sofa,= he reached his hand out to test the textures and knew that it was indeed go ing to be a long day. First, his attention was drawn to a rather large, plus h blood-red chair. Mulder was highly surprised to find that he actually like d the chair and didn't recoil when Thom said he was going to use it in the t reatment of the room. "This really isn't what I had in mind." Mulder muttere d under his breath and followed the other man over to thwere they had a wick er display set up. He was then take around the store, pointing out different things and having his ideas shot down. Mulder thought that at the least, he should have some s ay in what his apartment looked like, but Thom had different ideas. Between the two, they chose out a new black sofa, end tables, wall treatments as wel l as assests for the bedroom. One bed in particular caught Mulder's eye and the other man picked up on it immediately. "You like that?" Mulder nodded and made his way over to the bed . It was simple, a plush mattress with a pine backing and block pine base. S trikigly simple and yet modern. Thom smiled and patted Mulder on the back. "= You done good G-Man." Mulder smiled as well and turned. "Except- not with th ese sheets. I like blue better." Mulder said and left Thom to ponder over Mu lder's sudden style imput. While his tutor was off chatting with the manager of the store, Mulder was c hecking out a line of furniture in deep oak. The end tables had billiard bal ls set deep into the enamel and were covered by glass. They were stylish and yet tasteful and Mulder noticed that they would look rather nice with the s ofa. Quite proud of himself, Mulder strutted over to show Thom. "I. Want. Th ese." Mulder said rather forcefully and grinned. Thom, who knew he had taken sever liberties with Mulder's ideas- gave in, and picked up the slip for th e tables. After Thom was done with Mulder, Carson caught up with them on the corner. C arson, who was all too happy to be shopping, grabbed Mulder's pocket and tug ged him along. "Let's go foxy. Time's a wasting. We'll see you later Thom de ar!" Mulder's sprint was slowly dwindling as Carson shoved him forcefull through the doors of Diesel. --- While Carson began picking out things for Mulder to wear, Thom, Kyan and Ted were going to town on Mulder's apartment. Paint was going up and pictures w ere coming down. Mulder's bathroom was being totally gutted, and movers were coming in and removing the waterbed. Carson brought Mulder over to the display of all the different washes. "Now,= " Carson announced clearing his throat. "From what I saw of your closet, you wear really tight jeans and that has to stop. So what we have here are the different varieties and washes of jeans, which you can mix and match which i s great. So you can just go ahead and pick out some of the styles you like. And remember we're going to a more relaxed look. It's okay to be tights arou d the tush, but we want relaxed legs." Mulder began to file through the denim. First he chose a dark washes pair ad held them out. Carson admired his choice. "These are great, they're Cardiel and see here?" Carson turned the pair around so they could see the rear. "T his assymmetrical back will draw attention to you backside. Not that you nee d anymore." Carson quickly checked out Mulder's ass and winked. Mulder found another pair and showed it to his tutor. "These are good too. T he Rigby has a really relaxed figure but it has the big back pockets, which makes the whole jeans just look more, you know, hot." Mulder laughed and smi led, and Carson reached over and picked out a few other pairs and threw them directly at Mulder's face. He caught them and allowed himself to be steered over to the fitting rooms. After a rather long period of time in the room, Carson ran over to the door.= "You need help in there Foxy?" He then dropped to his knees and looked unde r the door. "I'm good!" Mulder yelled and was caught in the process of check ing his own ass out in the mirror. "Ohhhh, those look good!" Carson said gid dily as he layed on the floor. "Get out!" Mulder said laughing. Stepping out a moment later, Carson admired the fit and said that his ass lo oked positively hot in that particular pair. Mulder retreated to the little room and tried on the other pairs which had been chosen for him. Once done, they paid for the clothes and Carson took Mulder on a mad dash over to Sax F ifth Avenue. Mulder, being the incompetant shopped that he was, had never been in the cla ssy department store and took a moment to rearrange himself. "Come on!!!" Ca rson said and jumped up and down giddily. Mulder sighed, but smiled and foll owed him towards the back of the store where they took the escalator up to t he men's department. "Okay, we're really here to get you not only some work clothes, but some, yo u know, some fun clothes as well." He clapped his hads together and gestured to the colorfully arranged button downs that we hanging on the wall. Carson tilted his head from side to side and pulled out three brightly color shirt s. "Here." He placed them judiciously into Mulder's arms and grabbed a blue sweater. "Cute!" "See, here, Foxy, you're really well toned and, oh!" He grabbed Mulder's bic ep causing Mulder to jump a bit. "As I was saying, you're well toned and we want to bring that out with some *tasteful* but *tight* tee-shirts. Black wo uld look good, so..." He pulled down a thin black shirt with a small pocket over the right pec. He also grabbed a rust colored shirt and a bright blue t ee-shirt. "Now! Let's go find some suits." Mulder found it quite odd that Carson was more excited that he was, though C arson was shopping for someone else. After another hour or so of Mulder trying on suits, pants and a plethora of other things like belts and hats and glasses, they were done and took their purchases to the counter. --- An hour and a half later, Mulder was passed off to Kyan to have his hair cut . Naturally he was taken to a salon that he wouldn't have even considered be fore. Once seated in the chair, he met Cecile and began to fidget. Cecile wa s middle aged and wearing enough makeup to qualify as a cast member of Fosse . Mulder was apprehensive but Kyan settled him down and explained to the haird resser exactly what Mulder was going for. "Okay, Fox here has really think h air," he ran his hand through it and continued to speak. "And he uses a lot of gel and mousse in it. He's an agent of the government so we want somethin g a little more tame, but something that's also hip." Once Cecile was finished Mulder stood and she kissed him on both cheeks, uns ettling him a bit. Kyan did the same and the duo left the salon. "Wow, that looks great. Much more sophisticated. Got rid of the 'just rolled out of bed look.' I think she'll like it." Mulder was taken by surprise. Who would lik e it... Scully? He didn't know how to respond so he shrugged it off and admi red his new do in the windows of stores. It was close cropped but with bangs that hung down on his forehead. "She's a cute little thing." Kyan said, winking and nudging him on the arm. "And she's got a PhD... that's talent." Mulder's mind was running at a mile a minute thinking of all the other adjectives that suited Scully much better , several of them X rated. Snapping out of his reverie and narrowly avoiding slamming his groin into a parking meter, he changed the subject. They were walking down the sidewalk at a very fast pace. It bordered on trot ting. Mulder caught a glimpse of himself once again in the window and realiz ed two very important things: 1.) He looked hot, and 2.) This trotting was e ntirely too gay for him to handle. He stopped 'trotting' and settled on a br isk walk, very proud of himself. Soon the duo reached Pennsylvania Avenue and were met by Ted. "Wow, now that looks sophisticated. Did he cry when the cut it?" The two gay men laughed, and Mulder, suddenly knocked off of his pedestal managed to conjure up a smi le. "It looks really good, especially the bangs. Maybe we shouldn't take him back to see Carson." Ted said. After a few more moments of off-camera chatting, Ted and Mulder took off onc e again, this time, in a van. The next store they visited was a fine foods shop. Inside, Ted asked an impo rtant question. "What are some of her favorite foods? Delicasies perhaps." M ulder was nonplussed. "Uhhh..." "You are doing this for her I mean... from bachelor pad to... oh... oh I see . Okay. Not on camera... alllllllll right!" Ted threw his arm around Mulder'= s shoulder and turned so that they weren't on camera. "So this is for her ri ght?" Mulder was silent for a moment and thought over what he really wanted to say . "I'd like this all to mean something to her, yes. I want to let her know t hat... that she's... very important... to me." Ted laughed. "Eloquently put. And I take it, since you two have worked together for so lo ng you must know some of her favorite foods." Ted was hopeful, but wouldn't be too surprised if Mulder said no. "Well, I know she likes salmon, and has some sort of addiction to portabella mushrooms." He smiled triumphantly. Though he had a photographic memory, mo st times when Scully was eating his attention was not focused on the food bu t on the mouth that was consuming the food. "Excellent! Now we're going to need a wine... and the makings of dessert. Yo u up for it?" He elbowed Mulder, who was suddenly inspired. Thinking to himself 'I'm up for anything now' he nodded and smiled and joine d Ted at the counter. --- While all of this was occuring, Scully was a complete nervous wreck. She wou ld sit down on her couch just to get up moments later, pace around her apart ment and repeat the cycle. She was both nervous and excited, and she couldn'= t really wait to see the outcome of her 'project.' She was extremely nervous for the sole reason that she had realized just aft er she had been forced out of Mulder's apartment, that Mulder would most lik ely be very testy with her for doing what she did. He kept his work and life tightly guarded, and now it was going to unfold for millions of viewers on national television. She had called her mother earlier in the day. Maggie had been skeptical but hadn't come right out and said it. Scully could hear it in her voice. She ha d hung up with her mother feeling empty and sick to her stomach. She had ma de a great attempt to fix herself something to eat, but looking at the food only made her find a detestable level of contempt for herself. When her phone rang, she jumped. Walking over to it, she bit her lip and all owed her hand to hover over the receiver. On the fourth ring, she quickly pi cked up. "Ah, hello?" Scully answered, her voice wavering. She swallowed deeply and a udibly and bit her lip once more. "Dana, they'll be ready for you in about two hours. So if you could be here around six, that'd be great." The producer said to her, his voice sounding h urried and utterly important. "Okay but-" "Great doll, we'll so you then. Ciao!" The utterly important voice was repla ced by utterly uimportant silence that only served to heighten her distain f or the situation. Her lip was beginning to hurt, so she stopped biting it, a nd sucked on it instead. Scully thought it would be smart to take her mind o ff of the situation at hand, so she went to the kitchen and made another san dwhich. Her mind began to wander and she was faced with deciding if what she had gon e and done was a betrayal of the trust that they had taken so long to establ ish. By the time she returned to the present, she had made five turkey sandw hiches, all perfectly assembled, and all looking at her like they were disgu sted with her. She sara wrapped them and made her way to the bathroom. Maybe a shower would do her good... --- Mulder was being brought back to his apartment, and as was standard, was for ced to be more excited than he actually felt. Rather than being over the moo d about his new pad and threads, he had a vague sick feeling nesting in the pit of his stomach. He had purchased new clothing, new homewear and was having his apartment red ecorated at no cost, and yet the notion of evil government conspiracies cont inued to plague his mind. He thought that perhaps this entire set up was a c onspiracy, but figured that the conspirators could not possibly pull off 'fl amboyant' in quite the way a *real* gay man could. He was relieved for a mom ent, and then weirded out when he realized he had just made the assumption t hat his possible conspirators were gay... and possibly spying on him in the shower. He smiled, grimaced, and then shook hs head, wondering why his mind was play ing such games with him. Feeling like he had just drank a gallon of DayQuil and had been slapped in the face by a rather large trout, he coughed, sputte red and opened the window of the SUV. "Foxy hasn't talked in awhile. Cat got your tongue?" Carson attempted to be sleek by running his hand down Mulder's arm and slapping Ted on the shoulder . Ah, there was the sick feeling again. Noticing how Mulder was looking a bit green, he changed the topic of convers ation. "So, this Dana, what's between the two of you?" The car went silent a s the three men waited for his answer. Mulder cleared his throat and began to formulate an adequate answer. "Uh, sh e's just my partner." "Well, are you what they're hanging out standard issue these days?" Carson p oked fun and was able to draw a laugh out of everyone. If Carson hit on him once more, he was going to vomit. Ted was busy raving a bout the basil that he found and Mulder was just about to snap. Not freak ou t snap, pull out his gun and start going to town. That's how miffed he was. Pulling around the corner to his apartment, Mulder vaugely registered Carson asking him if he was excited. Feigning a smile, he claimed he was, and the three other men went about chatting about how 'ab fab' the place had to have turned out. What he didn't know is that while he was feeling rather nauseus, Scully was doubled over in her shower stall attempting to grasp the slippery soap, drop ping it, repeating the process and telling herself how absolutely stupid she was (he also didn't know that she had run out of shampoo and had to walk to her kitchen naked to get some, but either way... he didn't know). Bags were shoved into his hands as four pairs of legs marched up the stone s teps to the apartment foyer. It took the gang three minutes to make it up to the apartment, with minor elevator troubles. Once outside his door, Ted too k the bags from Mulder's hands and Carson clamped his hands over his eyes. M ulder was getting the sense that Carson simply liked touching him. The icky-= weirdness he felt began to duke it out with the nausea for precedence. The ickiness was winning as his sweaty palm came out to grasp the doorknob. He turned, heard the click of the latch letting go... and held his breath. --- It was like a holy light shined down upon him as he opened the door of his a partment. Everything was different... everything. To begin with, the wall between his kitchen and "dining room" had receded. O r was almost completely gone. That was the first thing that hit him. He wond ered if that was even *allowed*... he did rent. Flabberghasted as he was, he allowed himself a moment to calm down. He took another *very* deep breath, and smiled. The other men were smiling as well, patting him on the back and directing his attention to various points around the room. The walls, which before, were cream, were now factioned into a tandom checkb oard pattern. All over the place, colors were splashed and integrated with o ther colors. It was amazing, the depth the colors gave to the rather small r oom. They had kept his old coffee table, but had it refinished and put a bla ck border around it. They had bought new chairs, a la 1940. Candles in retro holders were placed around the room and on the new black bo okcases. The bookcases scaled to the ceiling and gave the impression of heig ht. Mulder quickly noticed that his "special reading" was nowhere in sight. He also realized that his old psychology books and articles from college wer e arranged neatly on their own shelf. He smiled but felt a pang of lonliness for his pornography and wondered if later, he could salvage it from the dum pster. They steered his attention to the living room, which Thom refered to his "no t so bachelor pad." The new couch was firmly in place, but this time to the left of the windows. The windows were clad in tasteful green curtains, and t he 'pool ball' coffee tables flanked them. There were more candles in that p articular room, and Mulder cringed for a moment. Weren't candles girly? Did n't they smell like flowers, and make the room all smoky, and... "Aren't these candles great? I found the retro holders at this great place d owntown called Variable X and they were really reasonable priced. So were th ese candles. They're made of natural beeswax and smell faintly like vanilla.= They're great for mood light or just relaxing, but look here." He pointed t o the coffee tables and the 'pool ball' candles there. Those were cute, he t hought those were cute- No cute... awesome. He thought they were really. Awesome. Not cute. Mulder s hook his head and berated himself for thinking in 'not so manly' terms. He w as then led into the kitchen, which had been completely redecorated and swit ched completely around. The double windows were gone, fused into one window. The window framings wer e black and white, to match the black and white checkerboard effect in the f loor. He wanted to scuff his shoes on the new linoleum, but he caught a glim pse of his reflection in the floor... and thought that it was too pretty to dirty up. Suddenly, a vision of himself in a French Maid's uniform, feather duster in hand popped into his head. He shook it off and admired the new cop per cookware that Ted had bought him. His sink had been cleaned and refinished, and his refrigerator door had been unhinged and replaced. He was getting a bit giddy at all of the new stuff t hey had bought him. It *did* look impressive but- "And off to the bedroom we go!" Thom said. He came up and slipped his arm th rough Mulder's and marched him towards the 'jungle of love' as Carson had de emed it... --- After Mulder had seen all of his apartment, the Fab Five made him put on a f ashion show. Jai was particularly impressed with the way he pulled off the b right colored suits. Carson, as usual, was interested in how his butt filled out the jeans they bought. Carson showed Mulder how to iron, and explained to him what a hamper was, a previously unknown word to Mulder. Kyan then led him to the bathroom. Mulder became a bit confused at the whole texturizer/gel/cleanser scenario, and made a mental note to write all of th e things down once the camera was off of him. Kyan showed him the right way to shave. "Slowly, with care. Your face is not a shrub." He also went throug h a tutorial on how to cleanse and apply product to his hair. In the kitchen, Ted was a tad leery on leaving Mulder on his own to cook. "C ontrary to what people may think I'm actually quite a good cook when I have someone to cook for." Ted smiled. "That's good because we're going to do a grilled salmon with crab stuffed portabella mushrooms. Think you can handle that?" Mulder nodded and Ted went about showing him how to prepare dinner. Mulder did succeed in slicing his pointer finger with a knife as he tried to fillet the salmon, but other than that, everything was right as rain. They began on how to make dessert, which was to be a pumpkin cheesecake. Once that was completed, Jai called everyone into the living room. Ted broug ht the drinks, martinis. "Well Fox, just remember that tonight is going to be about showing her how m uch you care. Now, I know you can't really *do* anything on camera," he whis pered "But there are other ways, once the camera is off." Mulder blushed and laughed a bit, but raised his glass in a toast. "I'm not very good at this but... here goes. Though this wasn't my idea, it was my lovely partner's idea. I learned alot from you guys, and I hope the b enefits are... anyway, I just want to thank you guys. The Fab Five... for ma king me... a better... person." They all drank and at last Carson said "What he lacks in eloquence, he makes up for it in looks." He smacked his ass one last time. --- Scully jumped into her cars and thrust her keys into the ignition with so mu ch force that her hand slipped off and she smacked the side of the steering wheel. "DAMN IT! See what I go through for you Mulder?" Violently, she turned the k ey in the ignition and was met with the pleasant thrumming of the engine. Ab out to pull away from the curb, she realized that she had forgotten to put o n makeup, and that she was going to be on camera. She also chose to complete ly ignore the fact that she was indeed the one who had gotten the two of the m into the situation. Leaping from the car, she bolted up the stairs to her apartment, as if she w as chasing a perp. Finding her seldom used makeup bag, she grabbed it, sendi ng a tube of lipstick spinning into the bathtub. What had possessed her to buy 'Perfect Coral' in the first place? Like Mulder, she berated herself (bu t didn't spend long minutes harping on it) and got back in the car. Luckily, she got four red lights on the way to Mulder's apartment, allowing her enough time to perfect her cosmetic coup. She admired her hasty job in t he rearview mirror, catching the eye of the man in the car behind her, who w as giving her the finger. She realized that the light was green and stepped on the gas, giving the man the finger as he sped by on her right. She pushed the car to seventy, speeding in the right lane, and flicking the radio on. She wondered for a moment why she was so upset with herself. Her t houghts melted away as she began to singing along to 'If I Had A Million Dol lars' and she bobbed her head as she weaved in and out of lanes of traffic. Her government stickers allowed her to get away with driving the way she did . It took her only forty minutes to arrive at Mulder's. Though it took her twe nty to get up the nerve to walk to the door and knock. --- Once the Fab 5 had left, Mulder stood in a daze in the middle of his living room. He was soaking it all in, slowly. He mourned for all of this old thing s for a moment, things that he never would have been able to bring himself a bout to throw away. He mourned his porn once more, for the upteenth time. He heaved a grief laden sigh... and got over it. Then he smiled, a bright quirky smile and began to whistle a hearty tune. He had his apartment made over! And it hadn't cost a dime! It looked amazing t oo! He was impressed with the way things had come off. His anger towards Scu lly was beginning to slide away, and was being replaced with anticipation at seeing her. He wondered briefly what time it was. He glanced at the wall cl ock and realized that he had only two hours to go about getting everything p erfect. He rubbed his hands together in the way in which a man who had a gra nd, master plan to set about employing... and went to work. Though he was a pretty ignorant guy, he knew he shouldn't cook anything with clean clothes on. That being the case, he had his way to the kitchen and to ok the neccessary dinner ingredients out of the now-filled refrigerator. He was sure to aquaint himself with the kitchen before he began. First, he began to prepared the mushroom. He worked slowly this time, so tha t he wouldn't injure himself again. After a torturous twenty-five minutes, h e picked up the pan and made his way over to the oven (which Mulder had mira culously remembered to preheat), but on the way, he stumbled (as he caught h is reflection in the clean linoleum floor) and three of the mushroom caps tu mbled off and *splatted* directly on the image of his face. After uttering a few choice obsenities, he shoved the pan into the over and set about cleaning the floor... but not before stepping in the mess... twice . After he was all cleaned up, he took out the salmon and, again, slowly began to fillet the fish. Mulder completed cutting it, and marinaded and breaded the fish just as the mushrooms finished baking. Quite proud of himself, he t ook the appetizers out, but was in a quandry as to where to put them. At fir st he thought he might put them in the microwave, but remembered the hot pla te that Ted showed him. He pulled it out and set the plate down. He resumed with the finishing touches on the fish and put that in the on the counter. H e reached under the counter and pulled out his George Foreman grill... the o ne new contraption that he knew how to handle. He placed the fillets down on the face and shut the top. He looked at the ti me, smiled once, and danced his way over to the refrigerator to begin making dessert. He found this surprisingly easy. Once everything had been mixed, a nd a minimal amount of batter selfishly ingested, he popped the non-stick-sh iny-new cake pan into the oven. Ten minutes later he realized that he hadn't turned down the oven and rushed to fix his mishap. All was well once his little slip up was caught. Like a good boy he put all of his ingredients away and even washed the dishe s he had dirtied. With a hip check he shut the door to his refrigerator and danced his way into the bathroom to get ready. A moment later he danced back into the living room, did a twirl, turned on h is radio and waltzed back into the bathroom. He pulled off his pants, and knowing that he'd be on camera, he folded them haphazardly and placed them on the toilet. He thanked the underwear gods tha t he had put on a good pair of boxers that morning. He could still hear the music as he soaped himself with the Dove that Kyan had bought him. He did en joy the scent, he couldn't lie to himself. As he listened to the music and shampooed his hair, he hummed to himself. He felt quite happy, even if this was a completely random situation which he w ould have been pissed at had it happened to him at a different time and had he- He swore when he got shampoo in his eyes. He washed it out. After conditioning, he set up his facial products around him. He cleansed, s lowly, remembering that his face was not indeed a carpet, as Kyan had mentio ned that he thought... he thought. Next, he pulled out his razor and applied a bit of creme to his face. Slowly, so slowly, he shaved his cheeks, chin a nd neck. Amazingly, he came off without a nick. He toweled off and made his way into the bedroom to dress. He searched throu gh his closet and inhaled the fresh scent deeply. His closet hadn't smelled that was in... forever. He extracted a green cable knit sweater and a pair o f chinos with a belt. He laid them on the bed and pulled out a new pair of b oxer briefs. He dressed and then admired himself in the mirror. Damn fine, he looked damn fine or so he thought. Spiffy and new, he set the table handsomely for two.= He put the wine in the wine bucket like he was supposed to, he even folded the napkins like he remembered his mother doing. Back in the Fab Five loft the guys were impressed enough to overlook his mus hroom mishap. Ted was particularly impressed that he remembered to breathe t he wine. As he heard the faint knock on his front door. He jogged to it, but stopped suddenly. He turned around, jogged to the bedroom... and put on his glasses. --- Scully looked down at the floor of the dimly lit hallway and wrung her hands . This was going to be very bad, very very bad indeed. Sighing, and wringing her hands some more for good measure, she bit her lips and wondered what wa s taking Mulder so long to answer his door. She heard the click of the door unlocking and quickly smoothed her hair. Put ting on an expectant smile she looked up, only to be greeted to the sight of Mulder in his glasses. It took all of her carefully composed willpower not to turn to a puddle of luke warm Scully goo on Mulder's ugly hallway floor. She managed a greeting. "H-Hi." And she smiled, that half-expectant half ske ptical smiled that she wore when Mulder would sheepishly present her with a new case. "Hello yourself." Ha! He knew it, he knew what he was doing to her and he li ked it. Charmingly, he smiled and praised the gay gods and his lovely partne r for giving his life this makeover. Grasping her hand in his newly manicure d one, he pulled her inside, relishing the warmth of her body as it accident ally brushed his. Truth is, Scully had lost control of nearly all of her mot or functions and was doing all that she could not to stare directly at him. "I like, the sweater's nice." She managed to spit out, quite proud of hersel f. She reached up with her left hand and felt the fabric, but was more inter esting in the muscles underneath. He smiled and thanked her and she asked hi m to show him around his new "pad." Mulder led her by the hand into the livi ng room and began explaing what Thom had done to it. She pretended to ignore the cameras that were following them around. "And look at the couch. Isn't it great? I gotta say, I loved my leather one,= but this one, ah, you gotta sit on it." Scully smiled and sat down next to Mulder on the couch. She was surprised, it did feel very comfortable. She bo unced a bit and a thought bubbled into her heaf. 'No Dana, that's for the be d.' The thought startled her, and he face began to blush over. Mulder caught sight of it and asked her what was wrong. "Oh, nothing, I'm just amazed at what those guys did. It's really... it's really something." She averted her eyes and commented on the end tables. "Yeah, those are awesome too. I picked out those myself." He smiled in a way that a three-year old would smile if he had just been given a cookie. His e yes lit up and his laugh lines pulled back and he looked ten years younger. Scully swooned a bit. "Let me show you the bedroom!" Mulder exclaimed and quickly popped up from t he couch. 'Oh please do.' Scully thought anxiously, and with a slight feelin g of dread and a fake smile, followed her partner into his bedroom. She was astonished at the color change. And the bed looked positively inviting. He d rew her attention to the closet, which was bigger than it had been before. "= Yeah, Thom expanded on the place. Hey! Look! Three pairs of dress shoes. Pre tty spiffy eh?" He elbowed her in the ribs, which did cause her to laugh gen uinely. Before he could think to do otherwise, he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and showed her the rest of the apartment. She was particularly taken with the bathroom. The mildew was gone and the to ilet had been cleaned. The walls had been redone and were no longer somber y ellow and black but blue. She was impressed with the candles and with the ta steful condition of the bookcase. While she was inspecting the array of lite rature on the shelves, Mulder quietly brought out the food and placed it on a tray by the table. The jazz lilting from the stereo masked the sounds that he made as he placed a new table cloth and two candlesticks atop the table. He found the candles which were purchased for the occasion and put them in the holders and then arranged the food on the table. "'The Manchurian Candidate Mulder? I-?" She turned around to find Mulder lig hting the candles. She smiled shyly, and looked at the floor. Mulder smiled lovingly when she met his eyes and walked slowly towards her. When he was me re inches in front of her, he spoke. "What do you think?" He asked, clasping each of her hands in each of his own. "I think-" Scully began, looking down at their hands and smiling shyly again . "That this is the only part of you I never knew. And now I know." Standing on tip toes, she brushed her lips against his cheek. Slyly, she whispered i nto his ear, "Hopefully there'll be more where that came from later." He smiled coyly, and she allowed herself to be led into the dining room. She couldn't help but be astonished with her own brashness. Proud, and feeling sultry, she allowed Mulder to help her into her seat. "So, what did you make ?" She inquired, slightly skeptical once more. Mulder smirked and told her. "Grilled salmon with crab stuffed portabella mu shrooms." He left her to go to the kitchen and retrieve the wine. When he re turned, she wore a quirky grin. "That's one of my favorites." She said, maki ng a mental note to reward him for such consideration later. "I know." He replied simply and set about to filling their glasses. Once he finished, he sat down beside her and made a toast. "To the Fab 5 for giving me this great new pad." He said pad in a quirky voi ce, causing Scully to raise a brow, and causing Mulder to continue. "And to the new me, which will hopefully result in... the new us." Her smile faded a nd she looked into his eyes. Clinking their glasses together, they stared at one another for some time until Mulder looked away and began serving the fo od. Dessert followed dinner and a lethargic silence followed dessert... on the c ouch. The two agents talked for a time, poured themselves another glass of w ine and talked of the decor... And the couture. --- Epilogue A pair of pants, unfolded, lay strewn on the back of the brand new living ro om couch. Dishes littered the table. The candles that had been lit were near ly the end of their wick and the room was basked in a warm glow. There were two pairs of shoes strewn about the floor. A pair of boxers lay o n top of a discarded skirt. A shirt was flung haphazardly over the fishtank,= the fish peeking out from either side of the fabric. An empty wine bottle was toppled over on top of the coffee table. Two glasse s stood empty next to the bottle, which was now rolling slowly towards the e dge of the table. It hit the floor with a loud thud, but did not break. A soft groan came from the floor. "As nice as that once, I think I killed my back." Fox Mulder wore a grimace of pain that he attempted to smile through . A similar groan was uttered by his partner, who was lying directly next to him, naked save for a quilt which was draped carelessly over her small fram e. "Urh, who knew we'd be THAT frantic?" She said, caressing her back. Mulder n odded, and winced and began to rub his own back. "At least this is a new rug ." He replied, his attempt at optimism failing. Scully rolled over and smile d down at her partner. "I'm quite glad that I called them. Things seemed to work out quite well, al though very surprising." She leaned down and kissed his ear and sighing. He sighed along with her, ignoring the ache in his back just long enough to joi n her in a moment of peace. Scully laid back down, but Mulder reached over a nd twined her hand with his. He brought it to his mouth and kissed it, then letting their hands fall back to the floor with a dull thud. "See, but what I find ironic..." Mulder said, rolling over and nipping at Sc ully's neck, "Is that it took five gay men to finally get us into bed... or the floor. Whatever." --- [To PixieDustBunny, NIIIIICE idea doll!] It was late. Later than he had been up in a long time. Time away and early m orning had made him an advocate of 'early to bed, early to rise.' Now, he w as rather happy that he didn't stay up late at night. There was nothing to d o. The only thing on was the news, and he wasn't sure if he had the patience to wait for Conan, the only *truly* amusing late night personality. Now, Bill Scully reclined in the worn blue recliner. Pissed off. As usual. T he finger that was pressing the 'channel up' button was getting sore. He had been channel surfing for fifteen minutes. It was official, there was nothin g on. He got up from the seat and dropped the clicker on the seat. He quickly and quietly made his way into the kitchen and flooded the room in warm, yellow light. He stretched and yawned and padded over to the fridge. His left arm leaned on the door as he peered inside. Leftovers, pickles, yog urt, cheese... leftovers it was. He pulled out the cold chicken and two Bud Lights and went back into the living room. Like the true American male, he popped the beer open and downed half the bot tle before eating the chicken. He wished he was relaxed, but even after two weeks off, he was still high strung and ready to snap. He pulled the clicked out from underneath him and began clicking again. If s omething wasn't decided on soon he was going to throw the clicker out the wi ndow. As he blazed through the channels at light speed, he passed over what looked to be his sister, talking with a blonde haired man. Amused at the thought o f a new actress that looked like Dana, he flipped back. It was that new makeover show. The one where they make over the person and t heir house. With the five guys. The five gay guys. For a man who had never k nown or seen a gay man, Bill Scully found Queer Eye For The Straight Guy int ensely amusing. He settled in a bit more and tore off another piece of chick en. The program went to commercial with Carson gasping as he looked inside the m an's closet. Bill laughed. Poor schmucks and their girlfriends who went onto that show. Pathetic. But Bill was slightly jealous of the guys. They got fr ee duds for their house. They impressed their wives with someone else's mone y. He chugged the rest of his beer and popped open another one. The program came back from commercial and Bill Scully was put face to... ima ge of... Fox William Mulder. Get made over by the Fab 5 and his sister was in attenda nce. He chocked on his beer. He sputtered it up all over the Navy shirt he w as wearing. Standing up, he knocked what was left of the chicken to the floo r. He finished his beer however, and dropped that alongside the plate. His sister, was on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, with that sorry excuse fo r a human being? Did that mean... did that mean they were together. Bill Scully swore at the top of his lungs. He swore and swore and swore. It was 11:21.