Date: Wed, 21 Jul 1999 14:35:20 -0400
Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative

Title: A Quest for Solace
Author: Erin Vance
e-mail: ejvance@prodigy.net
Feedback: Yes, please...I take constructive criticism (and praise;)
well.  This is my second story and I would love to hear from everyone.
Distribution:  Archive at Gossamer please.  Anywhere else too...just
let me know and keep all info attached.
Background: This is an interim scene, taking place during "Redux II".
It occurs during Mulder's late night visit to Scully's hospital room.
Mulder lays his head down next to a sleeping Scully and cries.
Summary:  What might have happened if Scully had awakened when Mulder
visited her bedside in "Redux II"?
Spoilers:  up to and including "Redux II"
Classification:  Vignette, Romance-Angst
Keywords: MSR, Angst
Rating: PG
Disclaimer:  The usual disclaimer applies here.  I did not create
these characters.  Everything to do with the X-Files, Mulder and
Scully belong solely to Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions and Fox
Television.  No infringement was intended.
Completed: July 12, 1999



A Quest for Solace

By Erin Vance


Scully heard something.  She couldn't identify the sound but its
muffled strains burrowed into her sleep-ridden consciousness.  The
restrained quality of that sound haunted her brain, until she was
forced to evaluate it.  Slowly, she came awake and, though the sound
grew more distinct, its muffled quality did not alter.
Experimentally, she opened her eyes, squinting as she waited for them
to adjust to a room devoid of light.  Shapes began to emerge out of
the darkness, and she carefully turned her head.  Startled, she saw a
form lying almost next to her in the small hospital bed.  Upon first
glance, the form did not appear to be alive, but, on closer
inspection, Scully could see that it moved just slightly.  The keening
sound rose from that form, muffled by the blankets.

Scully shifted slightly, reaching almost imperceptibly toward the dark
form.  At her movement though, the shape altered, drew upright, and
took on the face of her partner.  His eyelashes glittered in the dim
light and Scully could see the tracks of tears as they continued
unabated down his cheeks.  His voice caught on a sob as he prepared to
speak.

"I'm sorry, Scully," he whispered.  "I didn't mean to wake you."

"Mulder, what happened?  What are you doing here in the middle of the
night?" Scully asked.

For a second, Mulder seemed surprised, and he looked around, as though
he did not realize the lateness of the hour.  When he didn't respond,
Scully said, "What time is it, Mulder?"

At this, he looked back down at her, and said, "oh, it's about four, I
think, but I lost track of time a while back, so I'm not really sure."
As he said this, he began to rise from his seat, pulling his suitcoat
along with him.

"Wait, Mulder, don't leave yet.  Tell me what happened to you
tonight."

"Listen Scully, you really need to rest, and I shouldn't be here now
anyway.  There's no telling what the night nurse will do to me if she
discovers me here.  Unless it involves a strip search and full-body
exam, I don't want to know."  His attempt to deflect Scully's concern
with humor fell painfully flat.  After a slight pause, his face began
to crumble again and he whispered, "I'm so sorry."

Scully pushed herself up into a sitting position and held her hand out
toward him, knowing that he needed to say those words.  They were his
boon, and right now, she acknowledged that he needed the security and
familiarity of his own guilt more than he needed her verbal
reassurances.

He hesitated slightly, but then he took her hand and sat down on the
edge of her bed.  The silence stretched out, and Scully waited.
Finally, she prodded him, saying only, "tell me."

As Mulder began to speak, his voice cracked slightly, and he had to
start again.  "Scully, I never wanted this to happen.  I never
imagined that this selfish, obsessive crusade of mine would hurt you
and your family so horribly.  I'm so sorry that every wrong decision
I've made is coming back to haunt you this way.  It should be me,
Scully.  It should be me."

Scully's sadness and regret swelled, and she said, a little sharply,
"no, Mulder, no.  This is not your fault.  None of the things that
have happened to me are your doing.  Whatever my overprotective
brother said to you wasn't true."  Although she had spoken on a whim,
Scully knew that she had hit the mark when Mulder blanched at her
words.

"What exactly did he say to you, Mulder?" she whispered.

"It was nothing.  Don't worry about it."

"Mulder, stop protecting me.  I know what my big brother is capable
of. Now, tell me what he said."  Scully's words sounded harsh in the
quiet of pre-dawn.

"He, uh, he said that all this is a result of my crazy obsession to
find little green aliens."  With a self-deprecating chuckle, he said,
"he called me a sorry son-of-a-bitch."  When he saw Scully's eyes
begin to cloud over with anger, he hastily added, "and come on Scully,
its not like we haven't both thought that on more than one occasion."

"Mulder," Scully intoned, "Bill doesn't know you.  Hell, he doesn't
even know me anymore.  And this cause is as much mine as it is yours
now.  You can't claim it alone.  I won't let you take responsibility
for what has happened to me.  You don't get to be that noble.  I am my
own keeper, and only I can fail me."  Her voice gained strength as she
spoke and Mulder looked at her, surprise and admiration written into
his features.

"Scully," he said, "I trust you and I know you believe what you say,
but I think that Bill was right.  He may be self-righteous, but he
really only voiced what I know to be true.  Scully, you have this
disease because they needed me to believe their lies.  You said so
yourself.  I couldn't give up when I should have.  I could have
prevented this but my arrogance got in the way.  And now, in
retribution, you are being made to suffer for my folly.  Scully, I
know I can't take responsibility for what you choose to do with your
life.  But, I should have let you go before my choices eliminated
yours."

These last words drove the air from Scully's lungs.  She inhaled
sharply to try and reset her equilibrium.  Unexpected tears sprang to
her eyes, and she frowned, thankful for the darkened veil covering the
room.  Mulder's unfettered vulnerability shocked her.  She chanced a
look into his eyes, and saw a boyish honesty there that amazed her.
It was a rare gift from her partner, and she cherished it.

After a moment, Scully realized that the air had become heavy.  She
felt more compelled than ever to make Mulder understand her need to
take responsibility for her own life.  It was all she knew to do.
"Mulder, I know you and one of the things that makes you who you are
is your need to feel responsible for others.  But, there is something
about me that you need to know, too.  I have always admired your
conviction, even when I didn't agree with you.  Mulder, you had no
control over what was done to me.  You always tried, and for that I am
so grateful, but you never had that power.  I was assigned to the
X-files because of you, yes.  But, I stayed by my own choosing.  Even
after I was abducted, and Melissa was killed, I stayed because I
believed in what we did.  I believed in you, Mulder.  You are my
strongest defender, and you tried to shield me, even when global
forces prevented it.  But we were always in this together and
protecting me wasn't your job alone.  Do you think that I would have
stayed if I thought that you were to blame for any of this?  Don't
take this on yourself.  It is my own choices that have led me to this
point. Let me have that."

She fell silent, suddenly tired.  As she clutched his hand, her eyes
pleaded with his to trust her.  Mulder sighed, weary as well.

"Oh, Scully," he said, "no matter what, they have won this time.  I
can't do any of this without you.  I don't know if they ever realized
what strength they gave me when they stuck you with me.  Or maybe they
finally did, and that is why you are sitting in this hospital bed now.
All I know is that by taking you away, they are killing my search for
truth as effectively as if they put a bullet in me."  He laughed
harshly, saying, "actually, if this is the alternative, I wish they
had just done it that way."

"Damn it, Mulder," Scully bit out.  His defeated attitude was
beginning to exasperate her.  "You can't quit.  You need to keep
trying."  Scully's voice took on a frantic tone.  "Promise me.  I need
you to find the truth so that this can make sense and mean something."

"That's just it, Scully," Mulder replied, "none of this makes sense.
It shouldn't be happening and I don't know how it can ever have
meaning."

Scully's face fell, and she said, quieter now, "It can only make sense
if you keep going forward.  The scariest thing for me right now is to
think that you will be immobilized by this.  I need to know that you
will bring these bastards to justice someday.  You said that the truth
would save me, that it would save both of us.  Well, I still believe
that.  If you give up now, this whole journey will have meant nothing.
Please don't let that happen."

His eyes appeared tortured in the growing light of dawn, filtering in
through the small window.  "God, Scully, how can I?" he asked.  "I
need you.  You've always protected me.  I will be lost.  I'm not
strong enough to do this alone."

Scully reached toward Mulder, desperate to reassure him and herself.
He moved easily into her embrace.  With his long arms engulfing her
small frame, he placed his head on her shoulder.  Having come full
circle, Scully once again heard the softly muffled cries of her
partner.  That sound matched her own pain, although her tears fell
silently.

After several minutes, Scully said, "you are strong enough, Mulder,
you always have been.  If you trust me, then trust me on this. I know
with absolute certainty that you have the strength of your own
beliefs, not just mine.  You can not let this stop you.  I realize
that if you could have prevented this, or traded yourself for it, you
would have.  But, that doesn't change the fact that I won't be able to
continue this path with you.  All I can do is hope that you will
finish what we both started.  This truth needs to see the light, and
only you can do that now."

Scully leaned back and gently lifted Mulder's head from her shoulder.
He immediately picked up one of her hands, as though retaining a
physical connection to her now would prevent his losing her at all.
Still, he refused to look up.  He suddenly appeared fascinated with
the shape of her diminutive hand.

With her free hand, Scully reached up and tipped his head, forcing him
to look at her, squarely.  Although his lip trembled briefly, he made
no other show of emotion.  Scully realized how greatly this effort at
bravery cost him, so she smiled, hoping to comfort him.

When he tried to respond in kind, Scully's smile widened and became
genuine.  Reminiscent of his good-bye to her earlier, she leaned
forward and kissed him lightly on the corner of his mouth.  She pulled
back a short distance and, with a look into his soul through his eyes,
she leaned forward again.  This time, instead of aiming for his cheek
again, she surprised them both by kissing him lightly on the lips.
Astonished at her own bravado, she plucked repeatedly at his full
bottom lip, until finally, he surrendered and kissed her back fully,
his disbelief and shock momentarily suspended.

With one hand, Mulder reached up to cradle her face.  His gentleness
ignited a surge of warmth within her.  But this heat was replaced with
longing when Mulder pulled slowly back, searching her face for
answers.  She had none to give, so she merely reached up and wiped the
lingering tears from the stubble along his jaw.  He closed his eyes at
her touch, and when he opened them again, said, "Scully, you are the
most amazing person I've ever known.  You inspire me.  Somehow, you
accomplish the impossible.  You allow me my craziness yet still manage
to keep me sane.  You challenge me to be the person I once could have
been.  No one else could have done that for me.  Not even Samantha.
So, if I succeed at nothing else, I need to say this.  I love you,
Scully.  No matter what else you believe, please believe that I never
wanted this to happen."

Squeezing his hand tightly, she said,  "Mulder, I know that.  You've
never let me down.  Even coming here tonight, you knew I needed you,
too.  Thank you for trusting me."

As he stretched out beside her in the narrow bed, he tucked a stray
wisp of hair behind her ear and whispered, "Scully, you're the only
one that I trust.  Ever."

And as they drifted to sleep, the sun steadily rose, bathing the room
in a golden glow and softening the stark whiteness of the sterile
hospital walls.  In just a few short hours, a hearing would convene,
during which both truth and lies would be spoken.  But, for now, no
further words were exchanged.  All that could be heard was the steady,
synchronous breathing of the two agents as they slept.



The End

Again, feedback appreciated at ejvance@prodigy.net :)