From: Isahunter@aol.com
Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1999 16:20:34 EST
Subject: NEW:  "The Question" (1/1) by Diadem
Source: xff


Title:  The Question  (1/1)

Author:  Diadem

Category: V - um, that's about it

Rating: G

Spoilers: Anything up to now, just to be on the 
     safe side, but nothing that isn't widely 
     known already.

Feedback:  Yes please.  Diadem@cwcom.net

Archive:  Gossamer's fine, anywhere else please let 
     me know first.

Disclaimer:  Mulder and Scully do not belong to me.  
     I wish they did, but they don't, so here is yet 
     another little note to the great CC in the sky.

Notes:  I am not posting this as part of my "scenes" 
     series, even though it is a monologue.  This one 
     is a little different... :o)

To Isa, for title help and posting (again!), and for 
just being there when I need you.


The Question (1/1) by Diadem

I have just been asked the most awkward question I have 
ever been confronted with.  It came totally out of the 
blue.  Well, OK, perhaps not totally, given recent events, 
but I sure wasn't expecting it.  It's not the kind of 
question you expect be be asked by your partner on a 
normal Tuesday morning in the office, and yet there it 
was.  I think I literally staggered with the shock of 
it.
     Have you ever been married?
     I knew this would come up eventually.  It had to, 
really - my partner has never been one to let anything 
slip by, and it seems that this issue has been allowed 
to slip for long enough.
     I have often wondered whether I should "go public" 
as it were.  A few people know, of course, those who have 
been in the FBI for long enough would certainly remember, 
and a select few may even have come to the wedding.
     But it didn't last.  It was old news.  Until that 
fateful case.  Fateful.  I hate using words like that, 
but believe me, this time it is not used lightly.  It 
could even be used literally, I guess.  OK, so it wasn't 
the best word to choose.
     I was so stressed out throughout that whole horrible 
business.  I hope it didn't show.  What a futile hope.
Of course it showed, especially to the one person I 
so desperately wanted to hide it from.  I was terrified 
that 'the question' was lurking just around the corner.  
It never came.  The moment passed.  To my surprise and 
relief, the moment passed, the whole event passed away 
and was never mentioned again.
     I don't even know if it's being mentioned now.  It 
could just be a spur of the moment, silly question.  But 
that's just not in character.  That question was calculated 
and it had a trigger.  Whatever is on that piece of paper, 
just a few steps away, it cannot be good news for me.
     I don't want to drag this up now.  It belongs in the 
past - firmly buried and irretrieveable.  I wouldn't 
want it back.  I have a new future now, I hope, a future 
that I began heading towards at the stroke of midnight 
on New Years Eve.  The start of a whole new millennium.  
Something to look forward to.  God knows I've needed that 
for a long time.  I can only pray that I haven't ruined it 
by having kept this a secret for so long.
     I have always tried my hardest to be honest.  At times 
it wasn't easy, and a little white lie every now and then 
to keep someone out of harm's way can only be a good thing.  
All the same, I wish I hadn't kept it bottled up like this 
for so long.  We have been together for so long now.  We 
shouldn't keep things from each other.  Maybe the 
occasional little detail, things that don't really matter, 
things that have no consequences.  The consequences of this 
are beyond anything I ever imagined.  With every month I 
have held this secret, I have jeapordised the trust between 
us even more.
     I would love more than anything to let this go, deny 
everything with a laugh and we could go back to work, 
nither of us knowing anything more than we did yesterday, 
or last month, or last year.  If I could go back ten years 
and get un-married, I would in an instant.  It was a 
mistake.  I know that.  Everyone makes mistakes.
     On second thoughts, though, maybe I wouldn't.  Maybe 
if I had never married, I wouldn't be here now.  I'll 
chalk it up to experience.  God knows I've had enough of 
those in that last few years.
     But I can't shake this off.  I can't let someone who 
trusts me so implicitly carry on in ignorance of this part 
of myself.  My failed marriage is as much a part of me as 
the X Files.  As much a part of me as my blossoming 
relationship with my partner.  But unlike these things, 
my marriage is over.  Completely.  But can I make that 
understood?
     I have to.  Honesty is the only possible way out of 
this.  I have to tell.  Although I have a feeling that the 
truth is out there already.
     Because although I knew that Mulder knew about my 
relationship with Jack, I had no idea he knew it went that 
far.

End

Feedback?  Was this a stupid idea, or kinda interesting?  
Diadem@cwcom.net