From: Emily Heskett <melange86@yahoo.com>
Date: Tue, 9 Jan 2007 01:20:38 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Reaction (1/1) by Topsy
Source: direct

TITLE:  Reaction

AUTHOR: Topsy

E-MAIL/FEEDBACK: melange86@yahoo.com

DISTRIBUTION:  Just let me know first before you post it 
anywhere.  I mostly write for myself, but if you think it 
deserves to be shared, I am flattered.  Just let me know.

SPOILERS:  Season 8

RATING:  PG

CATEGORY:  Story, Angst, Romance

SUMMARY:  Mulder has a panic attack and Scully helps him 
through it.

DISCLAIMER:  I do not own The X-Files, or Mulder, or 
Scully, or anybody.  I write for my own entertainment, so 
please don't sue me.

AUTHOR'S NOTES:  This really doesn't fit in anywhere in the 
late season eight timeline, but just work with me.  
Pretend, okay? Heh.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Scully rinsed the shampoo from her hair, sifting the wet 
strands through her fingers.  She scratched her scalp 
gently and sighed, wishing someone else would do that for 
her.  And maybe rub her lower back while they were at it.

She shifted her considerably bulky weight, trying to find a 
more comfortable way to stand.  Not much was comfortable 
these days, standing on swollen ankles, all of her weight 
distributed very unevenly.

The baby rolled inside of her, and she felt all her 
complaints slip away, like the water was washing them right 
off her skin.  Her right hand slipped down to her rounded 
stomach and she gently touched the spot where she felt the 
stirrings of what was probably a foot pressed against her.

"I should have known our kid would know how to deliver a 
scissor kick," she murmured, a smile tilting her lips.

A sudden noise outside the bathroom door locked Scully's 
heart in her throat.  Before she could calm down and 
remember who was out there, she heard a loud, sharp thud 
against the door.  The baby jumped inside her.

She poked her head outside the shower curtain.  "Mulder?"  
Water slid from the ends of her hair and dripped on the 
tile floor.  Another thud accompanied the first and it 
definitely wasn't the sound of knocking.

She shut off the water with a quick flick of her wrist and 
exited the shower as rapidly as she could considering her 
bulky weight and the wet spots on the floor.  "Mulder?" she 
called again.

"Scuh-"  

Her heart pounded at the sound of his choked gasp.  She 
barely wrestled a towel around her body before flinging the 
door open.  

Mulder fell back, almost sliding to the floor, halfway in 
and halfway out of the bathroom. 

"Mulder, what's wrong, what's happening?" She maneuvered 
around him, into the bedroom, and knelt beside him, 
awkwardly hauling him up to lean against the wall.

"Can't breathe," he gasped, his eyes wide with fear.

Scully's own eyes rounded and she began to check his 
vitals, her fingers pressed against his wrist as she 
carefully watched for the way his chest was rising and 
falling with each breath.  His heartbeat thundered under 
her thumb.

Sweat glistened on his forehead and he was shaking, 
trembling all over, as he wheezed for breath.

"Dying," he said with panicked eyes locked on her face, 
waiting for her reaction.

Scully shook her head.  "No, Mulder."  She reached up, 
cupping his cheeks in her cool hands before thumbing gently 
at his eyes to check his pupils.  The towel fell away from 
her, sliding down to pool at her waist, but neither of them 
noticed.  "You're having a panic attack."  

Mulder shook his head, grasping at his chest, his throat.  
"Air."

Scully nodded, sliding her hands gently over him, trying to 
calm him.  "It's okay, Mulder, it's okay.  Just breathe.  
You're safe, you're here, with me.  I'm here, I've got you.  
Shhh."  She ran her fingers through his hair.  "Watch me, 
Mulder, listen to me breathing, okay?  Breathe with me."  
She sucked air into her lungs, slow and steady, nodding at 
him.  She wiped the sweat from his brow as he concentrated 
on breathing with her.

"See, you're okay, just keep breathing, Mulder."

"I remembered."  His voice was raspy.

Her eyes widened and she stared at him, her heart pounding 
a little harder in her chest.

"You remembered..."

He shook his head, still struggling for breath.  "No, not... 
I can only recall fuzzy... flashbacks... but I remembered 
something... new." He sucked more air into his lungs sharply.  
"They didn't want me to forget this."

"Mulder..."

He dropped his head to his chest, his breathing jagged.  
"They told me... you were dead."

Scully's mouth dropped open and she simply stared at him 
for a few moments, before empathy and love welled inside of 
her, only to struggle against the immense hatred and anger 
she felt for his captors.

"They told me you died."  He shook his head and when he 
lifted it, tears were shining in his eyes.  "I don't know 
who it was, I can't... I can't remember," he said, 
frustration spilling from his voice.

She smoothed down a piece of his hair, stroking him, giving 
him the contact she knew he needed.  "It's okay, Mulder."

"I just know they came to me and they said... They said you 
had been looking for me, and something happened.  They 
didn't tell me how you died, just that you had.  You came 
looking for me, and you died."  A sob slipped from his 
lips.

"I'm not dead, Mulder, I didn't die.  I'm right here.  
Right here," she whispered, leaning close to his face so he 
had to look her straight in the eyes.  

He fell into her open embrace, burying his face in her 
chest, above her breasts, still not paying attention to her 
lack of clothing.  She felt his hot breath puffing against 
her skin and she shivered, partially from the intimacy of 
his warmth and partially from the cold air sweeping against 
the damp skin of her back.  Two drops of water fell from 
her hair and slid along her spine.  She ignored it, paying 
attention only to the man in her arms.

"I never died, Mulder, and I never stopped looking for 
you."  She reached down and lifted his face to hers.  
Scully pressed a small, soft kiss to his lower lip.  "Even 
after we found you, even after I watched them lower your 
body into the ground, I never gave up."  She stroked her 
fingers across the wet skin of his cheeks, rubbing the 
tears away.  "Even when I wanted to lie down and die, 
Mulder, two things kept me going."

He stared at her, focused intently on her words.

"When my father and Melissa and Emily all died, it was as 
if a piece of me had broken off and died with them.  
Something inside of me stopped living with them.  But you, 
Mulder, I always felt you.  I could feel your heart beating 
in my heart.  In my head, I knew you were gone and never 
coming back, but my heart never believed it, wouldn't 
believe it.  I know now that it's because you were never 
really gone.  Before I thought that it was only because if 
I accepted it, let that piece of me die with you, then all 
of me would die, just slip away.  You are my heart, Mulder... 
and you kept me going."

A tear slipped from his eye and she bent forward to kiss it 
away, promising herself for the hundredth time that she 
would never hold back from this man again, not after all 
the chances they kept receiving.  Mulder's grip on her 
tightened.

"And I knew, Mulder, that I couldn't give up, couldn't let 
my heart die with you, because I had something else to keep 
me going.  I have your child growing inside of me, Mulder, 
and I could never give up and fail it, fail you."

"Scully."  Her name was a broken whisper on his lips.  He 
closed his eyes to the pain; his face crumpled with it.  "I 
thought... I didn't know... what to think, I..."

Scully's eyes widened with a blinding realization.  
"Mulder.  Mulder, please look at me."

He opened his eyes to her, the pain shining through.  

"It's yours."  She reached for his hand and placed it on 
the curve of her bare belly.  For the first time Mulder 
noticed her nudity.  "I don't know how, I don't know... 
sometimes I'm scared, Mulder, because I don't understand 
where this came from, but I know, in my heart, that he's 
ours."

"He?" Mulder asked, his voice filled with wonder as he 
finally allowed himself to explore the soft skin of her 
rounded abdomen.

Scully smiled, watching his reaction.  "Yes, a mini-
Mulder."  Her face grew serious.  "I didn't want to find 
out, at first, because I was holding out hope that you 
would be there with me to find out, but... I was scared of 
the possibilities and I thought, maybe, if I knew the 
gender that... it would make him more... real, more... human."

Mulder met her gaze for a few moments, not saying anything, 
just trying to show her that he understood her fear, before 
he leaned forward and rested his cheek on the slope of her 
belly.  The awkwardness of their position was lost in the 
wave of love that surrounded them.  "God, Scully."

She smiled, stroking his cheek.  "Mulder, I believe... I 
believe this child exists because of your faith, the 
strength of your beliefs.  You told me to never give up on 
a miracle, and here he is.  Our miracle."

He pressed a kiss to the top of her stomach, both of his 
hands open, palms cradling her belly gently.  Then he 
gasped, his hands leaving her stomach for just a second 
before falling back against her.  He looked up at her, his 
eyes filled with something that took her breath away.  
"He's kicking."

Scully smiled, laying her hands over his and directing him 
to a better spot.  "I told him in the shower that I should 
have known our kid could deliver a scissor kick."

Mulder smiled as his eyes filled with more tears.  He 
leaned forward again, pressing his cheek to the spot where 
the baby was moving.  "I love you," he whispered quietly, 
pressing a kiss to that spot.  Then he lifted his eyes to 
Scully's, all of his regret and love shining there.  "I'm 
sorry I missed everything."

"You're here now, Mulder.  You're here now."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o