From: Louise Kingwood Date: Tue, 30 Jun 1998 19:58:40 -0700 (PDT) Subject: Reaffirmation Title: Reaffirmation Author: Louise Kingwood E-mail: l_kingwood@yahoo.com Rating: PG Category: SRA Spoilers: ReduxII Keywords: Summary: Fears of the night close in as thoughts of what could have happened haunt the man in Scully's life. Disclaimer: I know this might come as a shock to some of you, but I don't own any of these characters. They belong to Chris Carter (even though I don't think he exactly deserves them), 1013 Productions, and FOX Broadcasting. Distribution: Anywhere and everywhere that may want it. Just let me know beforehand, ok? :) Author's Notes: Thank God for summer reruns! They give me the chance to "redo" this idea. ::Louise then ignores the collective groans at the gawdawful pun.:: More notes at the end of the story. Feedback: Yes, please!! I'm dying to know what people think of my work. Constructive criticism and lavish praise will be gratefully accepted. I'm hoping that you won't flame me, but if you do, please make it for the pun, not the story:) This is dedicated to Anne Vermilion, for being one of the greatest beta-readers ever and to Sally Bradstreet, who'll understand why once she reads it;) Reaffirmation by Louise Kingwood "Dana!" He sat up in bed, covered in a cold sweat. The images from his nightmare making his heart thud in his chest like a bass drum. As he tried to get his breathing back under control, he ran a hand over his eyes to wipe the sleep from them. This was the third night this week he'd been jarred awake like this, seeing scenes that never occured, events that had never happened, but that had been likely had the cancer not gone into remission. , he thought. But he knew why. He had come so close to losing her. They all had. He tried to feel relieved, but all he could feel every time he looked at her was the panic he felt when he saw her in the hospital, lying in that bed. She had been so pale, so weak. It was like looking at a bad copy of the real Dana Scully. Confronting those memories made the thoughts of "What if?" come to the surface of his mind. Or, perhaps the most horrible at the moment: Because, God knows, remission doesn't mean cure. Dana even pointed that out to him so he wouldn't get his hopes too high. After all they'd been through with this damn disease, he didn't think they could go through it again. All the pain, all the worrying - none of them deserved it. Especially not her family. He remembered the one time he saw Mrs. Scully. He could see that she was trying to be brave, but he could also see that the bravery was a mask; a brittle porcelain mask that was slowly cracking to reveal the grief behind it. And Dana's brother. The grief was there too, but with it was rage. Rage at the cancer, rage at himself for not being able to do anything, and even rage at Dana. Which was the truly exasperating part, because of all people, she was the least deserving of it. Finally, his breathing went back to normal, and he didn't feel as if he'd just run the four minute mile in three minutes. But this calm of the body brought no calm to his mind. The demon of his nightmare still taunted him with the visions of possibility. If he closed his eyes he could still see it, without even trying. *The hospital room, that damned room. Dana lying motionless in the bed, saving all the strength she had just to breathe, looking at him, telling him with her eyes how sorry she was that they wouldn't have more time together.* Next scene. *The room again, Dana still in the bed, still motionless, but this time because she had lapsed into coma. Her mother, sitting by the bed, tears streaming down her face. Bill Scully, standing by the window, the streetlamp outside glinting off the tracks made by his own tears. The steady of the monitor faltering into the single agonizing tone of a life cut too short. A scream of denial. A voice he doesn't even recognize as his own.* Even now, the vision had the ability to cause his heart to race, even without the deluding power of sleep to make it seem real. Again, he tried to get his breathing back to normal as the fear pumped adrenaline through his system. Suddenly, he shot out of bed. He didn't care what time it was, all he knew was that he had to see her. Had to make sure she was still alive. Throwing on a t-shirt and sweats, he jammed his feet into his running shoes and raced out of the bedroom, only pausing long enough to snatch up his wallet and keys from the coffee table. One last stop to slip into his jacket, and he was out the door. Even though he made the drive to Annapolis in record time, in his anxiety it seemed to take forever. He couldn't shake the feeling that he'd walk in there and find out his worst fears had come true. As he pulled up in front of her building, uncertainty almost got the better of him. Shaking his head at the absurdity of his actions, he put the car into gear and began to turn the key in the ignition. But then, his nightmare demon threw the picture of her lifeless form into his face and he tore out of the car and up the sidewalk. Once inside, he paused again in front of her door. he thought with a rueful grin on his face. But that didn't stop him from using it. He softly shut the door so as not to wake her up and slipped off his shoes, only now noticing that, in his haste, he forgot socks. The thought nearly made him laugh. He padded down the hall and stopped in the doorway. Dana was lying curled up on her side, facing the window. From the little light the shuttered windows would let in, he could see her steady breathing, the rise and fall of her chest that told him she was sleeping peacefully. That she was still alive. All the tension in his body drained away as the effects of the nightmare were banished by this sight. Without the fear and adrenaline fueling him, he suddenly felt exhausted. His knees nearly buckled, and he leaned heavily against the doorjam. It was all he could do to pick his way over to the chair next to the bed without falling on his face. He sat there and rubbed his tired eyes. He then once again lifted his gaze to her face. He didn't know if it was the quality of the light or not, but she seemed awfully pale. Like a watercolor or a photograph exposed to sunlight for too long. Maybe it was a mistake for her to have come back to the office so soon. He grinned again as he thought that she'd probably kick his ass if she ever heard him say that. Hell, she was pushing to be out on field assignments now. Dana shifted slightly in her sleep and her hair fell into her face, forming a curtain that obscured her from his sight. Without thinking, he reached out and gently lifted it away. He should have known better, because even that feather-light touch was enough to wake her up. As she slowly came to, she looked up and saw him sitting there. Funny, she didn't look as annoyed as he thought she'd be. In fact, she graced him with a small smile and said "Hi. Couldn't sleep?" At that smile, the power of speech left him, and the realization that he might have never seen that smile again struck him like a hammer blow. His breath caught in his throat and he gave a muffled gasp that he prayed she wouldn't hear. Faint hope. She sat up and grasped his hand in hers. It was warm, not the deathly cold he was afraid it would be. Dana drew his hand closer and placed it on her chest, over her heart. He felt the strong rythym vibrating through his fingers. "See?" she said. "I'm still here. And it looks like I'm going to be here for some time to come, too." She blessed him with another one of those smiles. "Now why don't you come to bed? Try and get some sleep. We both have to be at the office later." He nodded his assent, still not sure of his voice. He stood up and walked to the other side of the bed as she slid back under the comforter. He slipped off his sweats and climbed in with her. She turned to face him, and he pulled her warmth against him, tucking her head under his chin. He turned over onto his back so she was pillowed on his chest, and he could feel their hearts beating in tandem. He could tell by her breathing she had almost fallen asleep, but she wasn't quite there yet. Stroking her back, he softly whispered "I love you Dana." She was silent for a few seconds, and as he was closing his eyes, he heard her reply. "I love you too, Walter." ************************* Additional Notes: Ok, if you got *this* far, I'm hoping that the ending caught you by surprise. If it didn't, well that just means I'll have to try harder next time. And Sally? No, this does *not* mean you converted me!;) Please, send feedback to me at . I'd really like to know what you thought. Thanks:) _________________________________________________________ DO YOU YAHOO!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com