Title: Reality(1/2)
Author:  J. Chiprich
Email address:  ipomea@msn.com
Category: VRA
Rating: PG for a couple of bad words
Summary:  A post Emily story
Timespan: Fifth season/ definite spoilers for Emily.

Hey, everyone.  Hope you enjoy this one.  Let me know.  I love to hear from 
people. Enjoy. 

A couple of notes:  
	1.  I mention 'Breakfast at Tiffany's', the book, in this
story.  Dwell on it, actually.  I never read the thing...just saw the
movie.  And, on top of that, it's been about ten years since I last
saw it.  The musings are what I remember about it.
	2.  I really had to take a short break from The Taking series,
so here it is.


Disclaimer:  Here we go again.  None of these great characters from
the X-files belong to me.  They all belong to Chris Carter, 1013
productions and the Fox Broadcasting Company.  They are used without
permission.  No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is
being made from their use. Breakfast at Tiffany's is a book by Truman
Capote and I have no claim to it either.

Reality is really harsh.  Really harsh.  Dana Scully sighed and
smirked, clutching her copy of Breakfast at Tiffany's close to her
chest.  Within its well worn covers was a story that was deeply and
truly romantic; one that touched her romantic heart and brought tears
to her eyes.  A story of broken hearts and lives that cross; pains and
trials that affect individuals.  It always came to be that love and
truth of connection won out in the end.  The woman main character felt
deep dispair and loss, living in a world of denial;  the male
character existed in the plane of reality and fought valiantly to drag
the woman back to his grounding.  In the end, they won...together,
finding common ground on which two could exist and exist happily.  
Often, she thought as she shifted, as she read the words, Dana found
herself placing Mulder and herself into the reverse roles.  She would
see Mulder as the woman, and she as the man.  Herself struggling to
draw him out of his pit of self dispair and pain to her world of
reality. A world where one could see what they were up against and
have the ability to retaliate accordingly.  But now....

She shifted again, sinking lower on the couch until her head hit the
padded armrest.  But now, she found that her world of reality was too
harsh with which to deal.  For five years, almost six, she had been
Mulder's grounding in reality.  She, as his Scully, had served to drag
him to the world that every one else existed in and forced him to
answer questions and prove himself in that realm.  And she did it for
love, similarly to the male character in the book.  Whereas the love
of the main character was based, at least partially on a affection for
the girl's guiless view of the world and her innocence;  Dana's caring
of Mulder was based, at least partially, on his ability to challenge
her and all that she believed in, as well as his ability to escape the
tendrils of reality and exist in a realm of his own making.  She
pushed for him to prove himself in her physical realm and he pushed
her to question that realm.  Fox Mulder was her devil's advocate and
her best friend.  So, on this ground, her and Mulder's lives mirrored
that of her beloved book.

However, she sighed and stretched her legs to the other armrest,
however, because her life was not a romance novel, the ending could
not and would not be the same.  Reality stood in the way.  And a harsh
mistress it was, reality. In the book, the love was allowed to come to
fruition.  Happiness could be achieved, and although an absolute
ending was avoided, the feeling that was projected at the end led the
reader to believe that all was right in that world...that there was
indeed a fairy tale ending.  Her life, on the other hand, that
happiness could not be achieved.  There was no fairy tale for her.  
Inability, as she had told the woman from child services, that she
possessed to allow herself closeness with others in the form of
romantic bonds stood in her way of obtaining that romantic ending.  
She felt now, there, alone in her apartment, that she could have loved
Emily....

She sat upright quickly and got up off the couch.  Moving into the
kitchen, she found her favorite herbal tea and set the kettle to boil.  
Dammit, she had sworn herself to not thinking about Emily.  She had
read her favorite book again in an effort to be reminded of the warm
feelings that it always conveyed, but it had had the opposite effect
this time.  It made her not think of what could happen and dream of
it, but instead drug her to the realization that she would never even
come close and she mourned the loss.  The kettle hummed with pent-up
power, and Dana sighed in response.  She had hoped, and reveled in
Emily.  Dana had viewed her as her redemption, in a way, different
from a religious redemption of her soul, but maybe a redemption of her
humanity; the deepset need that drives humans to each other.  Emily
might have taught her, with the unconditional love of a child, how to
interact with people in that way.  To open up her soul for others, the
way that Mulder had opened up her mind.  But that was lost.  It was
more than that, too.

Dana Scully sank on her haunches and whimpered slightly, as she felt
the glass mug in her hand shatter.  With the detachment that would
make the scientist in her proud, she watched blood flow from her hand.  
Dammit, what was wrong with her....this intelligent, good-natured
woman that she knew as herself.  She had buried her daughter less than
four days before, and she mourned her loss as a loss of redemption and
not for the child itself.  Was this all that she was capable of, was
this all that her heart and soul would ever allow her to feel?
 By rote, she rose and found the first aid kit and bandaged her hand
with medical precision.  She wanted to cry, to tear her hair out, but
she was emotionally dead.  Her hands shook with rage and sorrow, and
she stared at them as if they were a new and undiscovered scientific
find.  Reality was killing her; reality, her mistress, reality her
guiding light, was killing her. She needed to find another mistress
tonight, another domain; one that would not ask her to be what she had
chosen to be, but what she might be.  Without putting on a coat, or
boots, Dana Scully wafted out her front door, leaving the shattered
glass and cooling water to its own devices. --------

Fox Mulder was having a terrible night.  Amongst the files and papers
that crowned his desk and tables, there was an important note
referring to his and Dana's trip to San Diego.  Upon his return, three
days ago, he had begun to trace all the information that he could find
on the genetic pharmaceutical company as well as the doctor and the
nursing homes.  And now, well now, he couldn't find the damn thing.  
Frustrated, he ran his hand through his hair and allowed his hazel
eyes to rake over the surfaces yet again.  His soul felt dread when he
thought of the fetus he had found and the fact that he had not done
anything to prevent it being used.  The dread deepened to dispair when
he thought of keeping that find from Scully, as he had done.  He, at
that moment in his life, would not have been able to handle the
anguish of telling Dana about the fact that there were more of her
children out there.  Existing.  Being born and being raised by anyone,
someone, that had no genetic claim to them.  He had to find that
information...he had to be able to so that he could do something to
prevent the pain that had befallen his friend.  It was only the
ringing of the doorbell and the timid knock that followed that
detoured him from his purpose.

"Yeah, yeah..." he muttered, clambering over the clothes that he had
left on the floor in his haste to get to the shower. "Yeah, hold
on....Mrs. Lowens, if its about the rent..." Mulder's soliloquy broke
off as he saw that it was not his landlady in his doorway, but his
partner.  "Scully?"

"Hi, Mulder." Dana lifted her blue eyes from a point somewhere on his
chest to meet his eyes.  He nodded slightly, seeing something for
which he had been looking for three days.  "You aren't busy, are you?"

"What, who, me?  Too busy, no! Uh...actually, yeah, if you count
watching those videos that aren't mine." he grinned, waving his hand
to allow her entry.  She scooted by him into his kitchen and rubbed
her hands up and down her arms.  Fox, for his part, emerged from his
haze and surprise of seeing her to notice that she didn't have on a
coat and the snow was falling outside.  Flakes still clung to her hair
and her sweater.  "Scul....where is your coat?  What...." he moved to
her side and felt her cheek and then her hand...they were ice cold.  
"You're freezing....Christ, Scully."

Dana numbly followed him into the living room as he pulled his
Georgetown blanket from the couch to drape it over her shoulders.  He
pushed her gently down onto the couch and knelt before her, rubbing
her shoulders and hands for warmth.  "What were you thinking, Scully?  
You haven't been out of the woods with cancer all that long.  Where
the hell is your coat or even your mittens?"

"I'm numb, Mulder." she gazed at him with her eyes, but he was not
making contact with hers.  His hands were tucking the blanket under
her legs and he got up and found his discarded overcoat.  Mulder
placed this over her lap and grunted in displeasure.  "Of course, you
are, Scully.  It's a half an hour drive, on a good day to my apartment
from yours and the heater is out in your car.  I'm surprised that I'm
not cutting ice off of your body."

"No, Mulder.  I'm numb...here." Dana pointed to her chest.  His
motions stopped for a moment and then he continued, in silence.  
Scully sighed and moaned as blood started to re-enter her hands and
its return brought pain.  Fox grimaced and grabbed for her hands and
rubbed them gently.  There were no words that could have passed
between them, there was nothing that either could have said, so they
continued in silence until Scully sighed in warmth.

"I want to talk to you...I need to talk to you, Mulder."

He gritted his teeth and stood up.  Moving to his window he looked out
at the falling snow.  "About Emily?" he asked quietly, not turning
around.

"Yes," she answered back, just as quiet.  Her small hands were clasped
in her lap and her auburn hair fell loose around her head.  "But even
more than that...Mulder...I need you to be honest with me, brutally
so, if need be. And I need you to not avoid this...can you do that for
me?"

He nodded, still facing the window.  He could see his reflection in
the pane of glass, and he barely recognized the glassy-eyed man that
returned his stare.  "Where do you want me to start?"

"I need to ask you some questions...I just want some answers, Mulder,
that's all."

Finally he turned around and faced her.  "Okay."

"I know that Emily was my true child.  I know that she was my flesh
and blood, and I felt close to her because of this.  But, Mulder, if
she had lived and I had brought her back here to live with me....would
I have been a proper and good mother to her?"

Mulder thought for a moment and chewed on his lower lip.  "On what
moral grounds am I basing my decision, Scully?  How do you define a
'proper and good mother'?"

Dana sighed and closed her blue eyes, and Mulder felt colder.  With
her eyes closed, she continued. "One that would clothe her and feed
her, keep shelter over her head....one that would be available to her
for her other needs, intellectual, spiritual, emotional."

"Well, since you know that I know you well enough to say that feeding,
clothing and housing her would not be a problem, you are obviously
asking me if you would be an `available person' in an emotional and
spiritual way."

Scully frowned and gritted her teeth.  It was only the reminder that
she had asked for brutal honesty that kept her from responding to him.  
Damn him and his psychology background.  "Well, yes...that is what I'm
asking, Mulder."

"That's not for me to answer, Scully."

"Oh, cut the philosophical bullcrap, Mulder." Dana stood up quickly,
losing the blanket covering.

End (1/2)



Title: Reality(2/2)
Author:  J. Chiprich

"You need to find that answer yourself." Fox crossed the distance to
the couch and sat down on it, tugging on her arm until she collapsed
next to him.  "I can't answer that and you know it....I can ask you
what you think you would be like, I can help you that way."

"I don't know, Mulder..." she answered, most of the fight going out of
her.  "I really don't know.  I've never been what you would call an
emotional person.  I was the only one out of the children in my family
that took after my father...stiff upper lip and all.  And I know that
being that way does not mean that you aren't emotionally available,
but I have had a particularly hard time getting close to people.  
Letting them love me and I, them."

"Why is that?" Mulder asked, gently.  He genuinely wanted to know, and
that fact showed in his eyes.  Scully smiled and hung her head; this
was very unusual, his attention on her, and even in this sad time, his
concern brought a smile to her face.  Fox, for his part, relaxed
slightly and slid his arm along the back of his couch to gently rub
her upper back.  "Why do you have that problem, or at least, perceive
that you have that problem?"

"Lack of control?" she shrugged.  "When I allow feelings into the mix,
the cake that I am, becomes a completely different dessert.  I can
control myself and my actions, and I do so with logic.  But, if I let
my heart make decisions for me..... When you move as much as I did,
Mulder, when you are a child and when you are a middle child, of
four..... I had friends, acquaintances really, that were parts of
large families.  When they felt like they were just a number, or just
another child, they went and visited their friends...gave them a sense
of purpose and validity.  Then, when they were brushed off by their
friends, they went back to their family.  Those that didn't have
friends like that, made imaginary friends.  I couldn't make imaginary
friends...."

"Scully, even as a child, you were a skeptic."

"Yes.  I couldn't allow myself to delve into a different reality than
the one that I lived in.  Over time, I found that the only person that
I could rely on was myself.  And that got me through a lot."

"Medical school, the academy." Mulder nodded, his hand resting now on
her waist.

"But it also shut me off from people.  I never missed it, though, I
never let people close and was fine with that.  Relationships with men
and even with my girlfriends were short-lived and I found that I could
get through them by revealing little of myself.  Suited me fine, until
I was partnered with you."

"I made you question that, didn't I?" he asked.  He put his hand under
her chin and raised it to the side so that he could make contact with
her blue eyes.  "I'm a sucking hole of truthfulness, Scully.... I
crave it.  I demanded it of you, didn't I?"

"You made me question that stance, Mulder, but not for the reason that
you think.  You weakened my reserve.  You were suddenly my partner, a
person with whom I would trust my life.  That was immediate.  I
trusted you with my mind next, and you broadened it and teased it;
made me question everything about what I believed in and what was
possible.  I let you close to me...."

"And I hurt you."

"No....no, Mulder." Dana turned sideways on the couch, letting his arm
remain around her.  "You didn't.  You have never hurt me...you've made
me better, stronger.  But I've fought this.  Because....."

"Because if I got too close....."

"If you got into my heart, then there was no way that you wouldn't
hurt me.  It would be inevitable, we're two human beings and it's most
probable that there would be hurt someday.  You can't....care
deeply...and not expect to feel the opposite, pain, with it....It's
like light without casting shadows...doesn't happen." She lowered her
head, feeling his other arm brushing her hair off of her face.  "But
it was Emily that finally made me realize, that I would feel pain,
deep pain...and there was nothing that I could do to stop that.  I
loved her, but I didn't allow myself to feel the entire depth until it
was too late.  I learned that if I am going to feel the pain...I might
as well allow myself to feel the love."

"Sounds to me like you would have been a great mother, Scully.  You
have the ability to learn, about yourself, and have the drive to
change what you don't like and can change." his hand had taken up and
insistent light stroke on her cheek.  He leaned in and kissed the
space as his hand left it.  "Realization is the key and you have
that."

"I realize it, Mulder." she held his hand to her cheek and he flexed
his arm slightly, pulling her closer.  "I realize it, but how do I
change?"

"Just feel, Scully, just allow yourself to feel what is in your
heart." As she opened her mouth with a look of anguish on her face, he
silenced her with a finger over her lips.  "It will hurt, Scully.  
Believe me.  You will feel pain like you have never felt it before,
but, on the flip side, you will feel happiness and love like you never
have before, too."

"I've never seen you look happy, Mulder.  Is this going to be a case
of the pot calling the kettle black?" Scully whispered against his
finger.

"I've been happy plenty of times, but you haven't seen them.  There's
a lot that I need to learn about myself and change, too, Scully....but
tonight is for you.... To continue where I was before I was
interrupted..." he smiled at her light grin. "I just want you to
realize that as your partner and friend, I will try not to hurt you
emotionally.  But it's an impossible promise to keep, so I'll just
promise that I'll always be here, even if you are hurt, or angry at
me.  You are never going to be alone with your feelings and your pain.  
Or...."

"Or alone with my happiness and love?"

"That too."

"Mulder...." she tried to let him see the need in her eyes.  
"Mulder...."

"Emily?" he encouraged gently.  "She isn't going to be your only
chance of a mother's love, Dana.  But..." he nodded slightly at the
teary eyes that met his.  "You loved her, let yourself mourn her...and
then pick up and go on."

"Can I....Could I...." Scully pulled back slightly, making to get up
off the couch.  Mulder slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her
to his lap.  Dana shook slightly, afraid to let the tears come.  But
she stopped herself.  This was what she wanted, a different mistress,
another reality that would allow her to escape from the prison that
she had created of herself.  Relaxing, she buried her face into his
shoulder and allowed the tears to come, hot and purifying in their
presence.

"You can, Dana." he sighed, pulling her tight against his chest, and
stroking her hair.  "Let it out." his quiet tears joined hers as he
felt her pain with her and experienced his own.  For several minutes,
the only sound was her sobs that shook both hers and his body.  He
shifted to accommodate her legs across his lap and whispered to her.  
"Let yourself go, I'm here.  I'm never leaving you."

Dana clutched his shoulder and lifted her head.  "She was so little,
Muld...."she hiccuped and sighed.  "It is so unfair...to her.  She
deserved to be born in a loving family."

"You were a loving mother, Scully.  You did what was best for her,
because you loved her.  Even if it tore your heart out, you did the
right thing.  That's more than I could have done.  When I was in a
similar situation, I was ready to sell my soul to save the one that I
love, even if it would have been the wrong thing in the end.  And if
it's okay, I would like to say that you are all any man could want to
be the mother of his children.  I think that you are a caring, loving,
strong, and confident individual.  Everything that one would want to
pass on to the next generation.  You will be a mother, someday,
Scully...even..." he stopped her sobs with a slight tilt of his head.
"Even if it is someone else's child that you adopt...you would love it
for itself and not its parentage.  You were willing to for Emily, and
you will again.  Just remember that I'm here and your family is here."

"I just want to feel, Mulder and become a better person from it...and
maybe learn to love as deep as I can and...."

"And pass that on to a child.  You will, Scully.  You will.  Feel free
to practice on me...I love a mother's caring touch and tender loving
care..."

"Fox Mulder." Scully sighed.  "I can honestly tell you that I don't
love you like a mother loves a son...but I really can't lay my finger
on exactly what the feeling is.... a friend, a partner, a sister,
maybe....a..."

"Like a woman loves a man...complete with physical attraction?" he
leered. "Yes..." she answered, surprising both of them.

His mouth stopped in mid leer and fell to a slight lilt.  His eyes
widened slightly and searched her face.  He knew that she was upset
and willing to open herself to feelings now.  Mulder had been waiting
for years for her to drop the remaining barrier around her heart...he
wanted to be the one that was the first that she would allow in.  And
now the moment was there, she had just admitted that she loved
him....not like a sister, or a partner, or even a friend, although
those were part of it....no, she had admitted that she loved him like
a woman loves a man.  The primal images that entered his male mind at
the thought were enough to make him blush.  His own words about any
man being proud to have her as the mother of their children entered
his mind again, and he beamed inwardly.  Yes, that was true, he would
love to have her the mother of his children....to be able to lay claim
to her as his and experience everything with her, but...that wasn't
possible.  At least not for them, at least not at the moment.  Gently
he leaned forward and captured her lips stealthily and quickly.  
Maybe experiencing all was out of the question, but this he could
share.  And, he could pride himself on holding back his passion, it
wasn't the time to even let her know about it...she was upset...for
the first time in a long time.

Scully leaned back against his arm and let Mulder's mouth dance with
her own.  He was being gentle and strong, dominant but timid.  The
look in his eyes of a second ago had clued her to this occurring, and
she was prepared for it...but she knew that she was upset and couldn'
t let it go far.  She knew that he knew that, too.  He pulled back and
grinned.  "My animal magnetism, huh?"

"It's the aftershave, Mulder." she answered, watching him shift to
hold her tighter.  She felt her eyes close, exhausted by the show of
emotion.  "Can I....?"

"You can stay, Scully.  If you don't mind sharing the couch with me,
besides, the weather outside looks terrible.  What kind of a partner
would I be to send my little buddy out in that?  I'll be a perfect
gentleman, for once in my life, trust me."

"I do." she sighed as Mulder rested his head back against the cushion
and tucked her into his chest.  "I trust you with all of it."

"I know you do, Scully.  The feelings mutual.  But you have to promise
me one thing..." he smiled down into her face as she tilted her head
up to eyeball him.  "When you decide to fall in love, you let me be
the first to know."

"You have my word, Mulder."

They were silent for a long time, Mulder's chest rising and falling
slightly and Dana's sleepy sighs breaking the silence occasionally.  
Right before she drifted off to sleep, she asked him a final question.  
"Mulder, what do you think of 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'?"

"Great movie, I really love the story behind it."

"Think...."

"Yeah, Scully it reminds me of us."

"Think we'll ever get that happiness?"

"I don't know.  Reality can be a bitch sometimes.  Why do you think I
take vacations from it so often?  We can try though." he sighed, as
she nuzzled his neck.  "Yeah, we can sure try."

Dana smiled against the material in his shirt and sighed, letting
sleep overtake her.  Mulder remained awake for awhile afterwards,
letting the soft, reflected light of the streetlamp off of the
snowflakes bathe and caress her features.  She was letting him in and
he loved it.  Dana would be all right, if she would just let go.  
Now, himself, that was another story.  But, if his idea of reality
would ever come true, there might be hope for the both of them.  
Problems would still be there, danger would always bother them, but
they would make it fine together, in the reality that exists when two
people love each other.  And someday soon, he would make sure that
reality would be the one that they lived in.  Someday soon.....

End(2/2)