From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: Sun, 9 Apr 2000 06:41:31 -0500
Subject: Remission by Sue Pyper
Source: direct

Reply To: spyper@globalnet.co.uk


"Remission"

by Sue Pyper spyper@globalnet.co.uk

Classification: Scully Angst

Rating: PG 

Spoilers: A little "Redux 2" up to present time but no major 
spoilers

Summary: How can a word with less than ten letters change 
your whole life?

Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully aren't mine They 
belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and 
Fox Broadcasting. No infringement is intended

REMISSION

The sunshine feels like warm hands caressing my face as I step 
out of the hospital entrance.  I stop for a moment gazing around 
me in a child-like wonder at the green of the trees, the pink of 
the blossoms, the colour of the sky.  The colors seem more 
vivid than I remember, the smells more pungent and the world 
more calm and more peaceful.  This is the world I promised 
myself.  So where did it all go wrong, and so right all at the 
same time?

I take a deep breath and walk towards my car wondering why I 
choose to lock myself away in a basement world of conspiracies 
and espionage when I could be walking, reading, loving and 
loved.  I promised myself, after I recovered from the demon 
cancer that had come to claim me, that I would make the most 
of my time.  I would not save my life for a rainy day I would 
spend it with abandon and without fear.  But I realise today that 
my motto is not carpe diem; my motto is Mulder.

Sitting in my car I realise that I cannot do this anymore.  I feel 
my soul break apart and split into a million pieces; I feel the 
tears fall and for once in my life, I let them.  I feel cries and 
wails bubbling in my chest and I let them loose.  They hit the 
air like water to hot oil and they hiss a spit, happy to be given 
their freedom.  A passer-by looks into the car with concern, but 
they keep walking, sensing that I am beyond the help of a 
stranger.

The sobs die down to a murmur and I reach for the papers that I 
have thrown on the seat.  I pick up the report from my 
Oncologist and scan its medical assessment of my life.  

Despite the words on the page, what scans and blood tests 
cannot show is that Mulder is my life.  I don't remember the 
exact time that I fell in love with him.  He kind of crept up on 
me and before I knew it he had chipped a hole in the walls that I 
had successfully built around my emotions.  Before I realised it, 
I was being laid bare, my defences gone, and now when I need 
somewhere to hide, there is nowhere.

So my promises to myself have gone broken.  I did not seize the 
day.  I did not treasure each moment, at least not in the way that 
I had intended.  I treasure each moment with him.  I guess that 
is why everything else has fallen by the wayside.  But now 
looking at this paper I wonder when I stopped being me and 
started being us.

Oh I pretend to be independent, strong and capable but I know 
it's just another form of protection, another shell to get through.  
I love my own company. Loneliness, though, has nothing to do 
with being alone.  It is an emptiness that cannot be filled 
sometimes.  No matter how hard I have tried to pretend, I know 
the only time I don't feel lonely is when I am with him.  I know 
it's all an act.  He is the one person who persevered enough to 
see what was inside of me, who did not let me get away with 
my emotional containment.  Now, however, he has infiltrated 
my being to the point that I am hooked: an emotional junkie 
addicted to him.

So the choice has been made.  I won't go on the vacation that I 
promised myself, I will not walk barefoot on beaches, I will not 
stop and smell the roses. I will be at his side, always, for being 
without him is as uncertain as the words on the page.

"..and therefore the tumour is still considered to be in 
remission."  It's like living with a time bomb.  The words both 
terrify and soothe me.  Like spending this precious life with 
Mulder, it lacks conclusion and certainty but I would choose it 
any day over the alternatives.

I place the 6 month check up form back on the seat and turn the 
ignition key.  I guess that is how I would describe our 
relationship.  We are in remission. Neither one thing, nor the 
other.  Our relationship is something that may consume us both 
if we let it, but as long as it stays inert maybe we have a chance 
of both getting out alive.

I have reached emotional overload and do not even know how I 
feel anymore.  I said I cannot do this anymore but I know that I 
will.  I will keep on loving him, and I will no longer be lonely.  
My other life unlived will stay that way.  I feel the walls 
rebuilding inside and as they reconstruct themselves I feel 
stronger and safer.  Brick by brick stone by stone; I rebuild 
myself and go back into the world.

As I walk into the office he looks up from his desk, a caring, 
concerned look on his face.

"So what did your Oncologist say Scully?"

"Still in remission Mulder. I'm fine"

I'm fine.

END

My thanks to Marie who gave me the encouragement and 
support to post this my first solo story, and for her wonderful 
Beta skills.


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