From: Susan Littlejohn Date: Tue, 8 Feb 2000 12:32:27 -0500 (EST) Subject: Renewing Faith (1/1) Source: direct Author: Susan Littlejohn susanl2334@mail.com susanl2334@mailcity.com Title: Renewing Faith Rating: G Category: MSF Spoilers: Sein Und Zeit Summary: When it comes to Mulder and Scully, can there ever be too much bonding? Disclaimer: The X-Files and its characters are exclusive property of C. Carter, 1013 and FOX. No infringement intended, ever. Archive: That's fine. Renewing Faith "Do--n't--Mulder! Stop--please, stop. That won't--" My hand, as though endowed with a mind of its own, thrusts out to grab his left arm engaged, as is his right, in the violent shaking of his work table. He ignores my gentle plea, and though his rage startles me, frightens me a little, and only for a moment, I step in closer. If he should clutch my arms on either side in his maddened grip, and does the same with me, will I allow him this cathartic release? As I tenuously gaze upon him, and more of his personal effects find a place on the floor, my eyes threaten to overflow with hot tears. I give a tacit nod. For you, I will, my dearest, wounded heart. For you, my mind, my heart, my soul. As you have given me yours, oh so many times. Risked your very life. He picks up the phone with intent to hurl it through the window haunting his eyes. "She can't be dead! She needed to tell me what I need to know, Scully! Now--I'm all alone." He breaks, letting the phone drop. His hand sails to his face, and deep, racking sobs snuff out his words, but not his anger as he kicks at the table now. "Mulder, come here," I beckon, the invitation swaddled in need. Yes. My need. The need to embrace the pain; the vital act performed together. As we are meant to, and meant to be. His violence stops, and he swings around to gape at me, looking found out, as though he's forgotten I'm here. With outstretched palms, and open arms, I coax him further, despite his look of ingrained uncertainty. And...dread. "Yes, Mulder, come to me...please..." The instant he is filling my arms, and I, his, we crumple to the floor like weathered bridge supports who've withstood far too many climatic onslaughts. "It will be all right, Mulder. It will." "I don't kno--Scully...don't go." He clutches me, struggling. My own breaths sound as choked as his. Sounding drained, but determinded at the same time, he compels, "Please, don't leave me." "I'm not going anywhere." His heart-kneading plea dredges up every last vestige of feeling I've ever felt for him. I kiss the shell of his perspired ear, and feel him tremble. The arms around my waist tighten. I stroke his damp scalp, breathing in the sweet, musky smell of this all but spent man, and, gradually, his tenseness slakens. "Stay with me tonight, Scully? If you leave me alone, there's no telling what I'm liable to do. Not myself," he sounds as though he's whimpering into my lap; into my very being, "not myself... I'm all alone now. All alone." His shaking renews in earnest once more, and I mold myself to his spasmodic body. "For tonight, and for as long as you need me," I press into that same ear. "Apart, we're alone. Together, it will never come to that." I hear his breathing even out, and mine obediently follows suit. "Trust me..." "That's my new religion. Keeping yours..." After some time, he falls asleep with his head in my lap, but I keep on massaging his temples, nuturing some silly notion that somehow it will keep his nightmares at bay, for at least this night. I close my eyes for what seems like two minutes, and when I open them, in repose, his face has taken on the look of the hunted. I shudder and a familiar coldness invades my body. Ignoring the interloper, instinctively, I command my fingertips to try their best to smooth away the worry lines which have rooted themselves in his feverish feeling forehead with tenacious precision. They're not completely erased, once I'm satisfied, but their softer counterparts receive my lips in homage. When I hear him sigh, I shut my stinging puffy, eyes again. "I could not leave you alone if I tried, Mulder, and I *have* tried, and yet I'm still here," I whisper into the vacuous darkness, and thorougly realize where I want to be. "Keeping you," I exhale, fatigue pinching the corners of my mouth, "mine...now and forever, world without end, amen..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~