From: "Steve & Kim Acosta" Date: Fri, 1 Feb 2002 16:24:19 -0800 Subject: No Subject Provided Source: direct Title: Repercussions Author: Gossamer Touch Rating: PG Classification: SRA Spoilers: Amor Fati and Sein Und Ziet Keywords: Summary: Mulder introspects. Scully intercepts. Revelations ensue. Archive: I would be honored. Please inform as to where. Disclaimer: Alas and alack mine they are not, belonging to Mr. Carter, and Fox and all that lot. There is no harmful intent or profit in mind, I just wanted to play, so please be kind. Do not sue me, I have no money. I just wanted to give Scully and Mulder a taste of honey Feedback: This is my first attempt at this and would be truly pleased to her from anyone who wants to feed the ego of the muse. Gossamertouch@bigvalley.net Acknowledgment: I haven't written anything in many dark moons, but the light is brighter now as my friends know, and the writing muse is peeking through again. Thanks to S. G. A. C. And to the Delectable Mr. Duchovny for creating the Fantastic Fox. Enough inspiration alone for writing again. Her apartment was dark and cold. Shrugging off her clothes she walked through to the bathroom without turning on any lights. She embraced the dark; it suited her mood perfectly. After twisting on the taps, she lit a solitary candle and slipped into the claw-footed tub. The heat of the water was soothing, a much needed balm for her troubled mind. Closing her eyes she sank back, biting her lip to control her tears. Recalling the day's events she could see him in her mind, his expressive eyes flashing with anger as he registered the treason of her words. ....."My judgment was impaired! How could you? I was only trying to protect you!" Steel surfaced in the blue of her eyes. "I am not a china doll! I'm a trained agent, as capable as you." His eyes softened slightly and his posture became less defensive. "I know you are. It was instinct. You were going to get hurt. I, I didn't think." She was still angry, affronted that she had to try so hard to be his equal. It was her anger that prompted her to hurt him. "Exactly. You never do." Even as the words left her lips she regretted them. He was always careful with the safety of those he worked with, usually to the detriment of his own well being. His eyes darkened again. Throwing his strong shoulders back he drew himself up to his full 6-foot height, his words were sharp and clipped. "So you're inferring that I'm unsafe. That people get hurt around me?" She could hear the undercurrent of pain in his soft baritone voice. Pain that she had caused. Now she felt unsure, damn him! He could throw off her thought process with a flick of his eyes. She turned to walk away. His hand shot out and grasped her wrist. "No. Answer me. You're my partner; it's a question that needs answering." His fingers weren't hurting her, he would never do that, but the possibility was there. Angry herself now she spun around to face him. She hated it when he used his stronger physical bearing to try and influence her. "Let go." He held on tightly, locking her blue eyes with his hazel ones. " Answer me" His voice was low and tightly controlled. "Do you feel unsafe around me?" She swallowed and took a deep breath, her heart was starting to pound, she hated confrontations with him, but that didn't mean she would back down. "I trust you. I trust your instincts. I respect your ability. I just wish that you could respect mine." He blinked slowly and leaned in, almost touching her mouth with his. "The question was. Do you feel unsafe with me?" He murmured. Neither agent registered the quiet swoosh of the elevator door opening at the end of the long hall. Neither of them noticed their superior officer lean against the wall and fold his arms as he viewed the tableau in front of him. His two top agents so close together. His dark head bent over her copper one. It was almost a lover's stance. The atmosphere was highly charged. Thick and combustible. She could feel his breath on her cheek. He still had hold of her wrist. "Scully?" He asked quietly With a supreme effort of will she looked away from those lips, but avoided his eyes. " In the field I trust you implicitly." His soft brown hair fell forward as he nodded and she fought the impulse to reach up and lightly brush it away. "And otherwise Dana?" His question was gentle. She stood still hardly daring to breathe, her anger gone. He rarely called her by her first name. Time passed slowly as she tried to marshal her thoughts and express them in a way that he would understand. He was so smart, so intense, so beautiful, so caring. So dangerous. He shook his head, taking her silence as an answer. "If you feel unsafe or unsure of me in any capacity it won't work." He let go of her wrist and placed a finger under her chin, tilting her head up so she could see in his eyes. Scully gasped audibly; the pain reflected there was so deep, so strong, his eyes were shrouded in black. "If your unsure you'll end up hurt" His breathing was uneven. "You right you know" His voice broke slightly "People close to me, people that I am close too, they get hurt. I can't have you being another casualty of my war." He turned to walk away. "Mulder" She couldn't let him leave like this. He stopped, noticing Skinner for the first time. He didn't turn back to her. "What are you saying?" He shrugged; it was a swift and graceful gesture. "You're a smart woman, you'll figure it out." He headed for the open elevator door. Skinner caught his arm. "Mulder. Fox?" His agent looked at him and Skinner was seeing all the hurt in the world reflected in his eyes before it was gone, closed off like a steel trap in the most unreachable part of Mulder's mind. "I'll see you tomorrow Sir." He slipped away from his boss's hand and with three long strides was gone, leaving a confused Skinner and a shocked Scully in his wake. (Tuesday morning.) A.D. Skinner sat in his wood paneled office reading a report. A firm rap on his closed door caused him to look up, laying down the file. "Come." The door opened and agent Mulder entered. His normally Armani clad agent was instead wearing black jeans stuffed into black work boots and a gray tee shirt. A long black, expensive looking wool coat was slung carelessly over his shoulder. "Casual day Mulder?" Queried Skinner. Noting that although not dressed for work his agent wore his gun and holster. "I'm taking some personal time Sir." "Oh, going anywhere special?' Skinner kept his tone neutral. Mulder looked down at the deep pile carpet, clearly uncomfortable. "I'm going up to the Vineyard Sir. I would appreciate it if you kept that information to yourself. I have my reasons." Skinner looked at him questioningly and Mulder sighed. " I have a lot on my mind Sir. As you witnessed yesterday, certain events have caused me to do some er shall we say introspection and I need to be alone. Do I have your confidence?" Skinner nodded slowly, more than a little worried. He knew from experience what happened when his brooding agent went off in search of personal truths. He nodded in the direction of Mulder's hand. "What's that?" The younger agent's face hardened. "The result of a long nights internal processing." As he handed over the envelope, Skinner looked in his eyes and saw the stone set in them. "It's a request to be reassigned to another partner." Skinner's worry became fully-fledged alarm. Throughout all his renegade agent's Byronic moods Scully had been his anchor. Without her he was a ship adrift in dangerous and uncharted waters. "You have a problem with your current one?' Mulder mumbled something that sounded like," too close:" then he cleared his throat. "As the head of the X-files, it is within my power to ask." He turned and walked to the door. "I'll be back in a few days" He said over his shoulder and left. Skinner sat holding the request. "And as your superior officer agent Mulder, it is in my power to deny" He thought as he reached behind him and placed the request into the shredder. Agent Dana Scully pulled her car into a parking space, opened her door and stepped out into the rain. Grabbing her coat she slammed the door and headed for the FBI building. Struggling with her coat she dropped her keys. Cursing under her breath, she bent down. Long, slender fingers closed over her keys and held them out to her. Raising her vision she looked at the careful set of her partner's face. The downcast eyes hidden by the his wonderfully long and thick eyelashes that swept his high cheekbones and her heart lurched. She had lain awake most of the night rehearsing what she would say to him; but now, confronted with the sheer magnetism of the man in person she was robbed of the power of speech. The rain was intensifying around them. His hand was still extended towards her holding her keys. She reached out and took them, managing a barely audible "Thank You." Mulder stood in one elegant, fluid motion offering his hand to help her up, he was ever the gentleman. She grasped his hand, feeling an instant connection at his touch and let go quickly. Standing now, she looked up at him. Dark smudges underlined his eyes and he hadn't shaved. "Mulder, are you okay?" He shrugged, his eyes averted. "I guess." "Why won't you look at me?" Scully instinctively reached for him. He moved quickly, bunching his hands into fists and shoving them into his deep pockets. "I gotta go Scully." He started to walk away. "Go where?" Frustration rang in her voice. "Talk to Skinner, He'll explain." He walked away, leaving her looking at his back. His broad shoulders hunched over. The collar of his coat pulled up, raindrops were sparkling in his chestnut hair. She thought that he had never looked so beautiful and so unreachable. Exasperated now and more than a little concerned she headed for the main doors and Skinner's office. For the second time that morning Skinner was interrupted by a knock at his door. He sighed heavily; he really wasn't looking forward to this. "Come in." He looked up as agent Scully entered the room. She started in as always, no preamble, just right to the point. "Sir I just saw agent Mulder, he seemed distant. He said to talk to you. Do you know where he's going?" Skinner looked into the clear blue eyes of his petite agent. "Damn it Mulder." He swore silently. "Why couldn't you tell her?" Skinner thought he knew why. The report that he had been trying to read and process all morning went a long way to explain a great deal about agent Mulder. "Sir?" "Agent Mulder has requested some time off. He says that he has some issues to sort through." "Issues Sir?" "Personal issues agent Scully." The flicker of alarm that crossed her face mirrored his own. He knew what she was thinking. Mulder, personal demons, and solitude all added up to a highly lethal cocktail. "Very well Sir". She said softly and turned to leave. "Agent Scully, there's more." She had reached the door and stood facing away from him. Skinner sighed; he had been seeing a lot of his agent's backs lately. "Dana." She turned, surprised at his familiar tone. "Yes?" The A.D. cleared his throat. "Agent Mulder has formally requested reassignment to a new partner." Scully clutched the doorknob, her knuckles turning white. She looked a though she had been physically struck. "Why?" Her voice was so soft, full of hurt and confusion. "Oh Mulder you bastard." Thought Skinner. "Your reasoning had better be ironclad." "I shredded the request Scully. I'm not about to dissolve my best partnership for no reason." "No reason?" "Agent Mulder gave me no explanation." "Oh." Her voice was whisper soft. "I know his reason." "Well, when he returns I suggest that you two resolve the issue." Scully nodded. "If he returns." She thought as she left the room. Skinner sank into his chair and picked up the report again. Hopefully some answers lay on the pages in front of him. Fox Mulder sat in his car driving too fast up I-95 towards Martha's Vineyard. It was still raining. Fine by him, the weather dovetailed the storm in his mind perfectly. He was dark desperation personified. Keeping his left hand on the wheel he pushed the buttons on the radio viscously with his right. "Jeez Mulder, snap out of it. It's only the dissolving of a partnership, not the end of the free world." He silently berated himself, shaking his head. Then why did it hurt so much? Like when his parent's had divorced. He had felt that was his fault too. A wave of pain washed over him. Too raw. Not ready to explore that particular avenue. Dimly he registered the words of the song playing. "Just can't stand up for falling apart. Can't see through this veil across my heart." Damn. How sappy. How sad. How true. Enough! His mind screamed. He slammed his fist into the steering wheel and punched the accelerator, pushing the car up to 90 and turned the radio up loud enough to blow the speakers. Needed to put some distance between her and him. Needed to be alone. Dana Scully sat at her desk staring at the spot where her partner usually sat. Her ex-partner she reminded herself. No more Mulder. No more shared in-secrets, no more crappy hotel rooms. No more late nights chasing halfway across the country, suffering from the deriding looks of fellow agents. She sighed. No more gentle unconscious touches of his hand, no more secret smile. She stood up. It's just a partnership Dana; she chided herself reaching for a box to pack her stuff in. "Not just a partner" a still small voice spoke up. "A friend. A true, honest friend." and an even smaller voice added, "No more promise of what could be." Tires scrunched on gravel as Mulder pulled into the driveway of his Mother's summerhouse. His house he reminded himself, he had inherited it when she has passed away recently. Turning off the engine he laid his head on the steering wheel. God he was so tired. He got out of the car, reaching into the back seat to retrieve his bag. Straightening he flexed up in a catlike manner in an effort to stretch his stiff muscles. Moving to shut the door he noticed his gun on the passenger seat, not a good place to leave it. He sat back down in the driver's seat and drew his weapon from its holster, automatically checking the clip. Standing again he flicked on the safety and shoved the gun into the waistband of his jeans as he surveyed the property. It was a heavily wooded lot that overlooked the lake. The dense trees that in summer provided a lush canopy of shade were a riotous canvass of fall colors. The house was a single story four bedroom with a large square footage. Huge picture windows lined one side of the structure. The adjacent garage still housed his mother's Mercedes and a top of the line motorcycle or two. Walking with the unsteady gait of the physically exhausted he stumbled up the steps of the back porch that led to an expansive deck. Inserting his key into the lock he swung open the heavy door and walked in. Dropping his bag by the door he slammed it shut and walked into the huge living room. Lit by only the fading dusky light that was streaming though the large French doors the room had an eerie hollow feeling. Dustsheets covered the expensive furniture. The atmosphere was one of neglect: unwanted and unloved, Nothing changes. A rumble in his stomach echoed the one overhead. Storm brewing he thought absently as he headed to the kitchen. The cupboards were, of course bare. 'No-one lives here Mulder' He thought ruefully. 'You were expecting a fully stocked fridge?' Sighing heavily he went back to the living room. Rain was savagely beating against the windows now. Moving in the dark to a large walnut armoire he opened it to reveal a fully stocked bar. He smiled wryly, always count on a good cache of alcohol with either of his parents. He wasn't normally a drinker, he avoided it because of his own past experiences and his parents but tonight he was planning to get falling down drunk. Grabbing a full bottle of Glenfidditch and a crystal tumbler he headed for the overstuffed couch. Dropping the dust cover to the floor he sank down onto the soft pillows and breaking the seal on the bottle poured the amber liquid into the glass. Skinner picked up the phone on the corner of his desk and dialed a number. "Scully." "Agent Scully I need to see you." "I'm on my way Sir." Ten minutes later she entered his office. "Sit down Scully." He picked up an envelope from his desk. "I received this early this morning; it came express mail, postmarked here in D.C." "What is it?" Skinner looked at her closely. She gave all the outward signs of her usual professionalism but there was a total lack of interest in her eyes. She sat with her arms folded across her chest unconsciously protecting herself from more hurt. Her eyes wandered around the room. "It contains two files; one on Bill Mulder, the other on his son." That got her attention. Her eyes snapped back into focus and she leaned forward. "It came with an audiotape, the narrative of which is that I supposedly know how important agent Mulder is to the "equation". Now he is the equation. He is to be protected at all cost, as is the information that he possesses." Confusion ran over her face like water over a stone. "I don't understand. We haven't pursued anything lately; he hasn't left my side." Skinner shook his head and removed his glasses. "Sir we can't protect him if we don't know where he is!" Scully looked closely at her boss her blue eyes turning gray as understanding dawned in them. "You know where he is don't you?" "He told you. But not me" She added softly. Skinner felt like a real prick. "He asked me not to say, he's safe where he is Scully." She cleared her throat. "Can I read the files Sir, maybe I can figure out what he has possession of." Skinner hesitated. "What?" Her temper was rapidly rising. "I can't help him otherwise. Please Sir I need to help him. You said that you denied his request for reassignment right?" Skinner nodded affirmatively. "Then he's still my partner and he needs my help. Sir I know him better that anyone." Skinner slid the files across the desk to her. She reached for them but he held on. "There's information in here that is of a very personal nature. It is information that I had guessed at but that I know he would never have told any one. I don't think that he will thank me for showing you, but your right you know him better than anyone else." He released the files and pushed them to her. She stood to leave. "Agent Scully" "Yes Sir?' "you're basically doing a profile on your partner." Her slender back stiffened; her eyes were liquid and gentle. "I'm helping my friend". She said softly and left. Skinner groaned. 'Good luck' He thought. Either way partner or friend, you have to get into his head and Fox Mulder's mind could be a dark and frightening place. (Tuesday Evening) Scully couldn't recall the drive home and only vaguely remembered taking a hot shower and changing into a tee shirt and jeans. She was sitting on her couch now; a glass of wine on the table in front of her next to the files Skinner had given her. The soft strains of Enya's "Wild Child" emanated from her stereo. She picked up her glass and sipping thoughtfully looked at a picture of Mulder that she kept on her side table. It had been taken on Newport Beach in Southern California during some rare down time after a strange case with the LAPD. She smiled gently, her wild child. The man in the photo was pure Californian gold. His chestnut hair was tousled and blowing across his face in the soft breeze, his eyes hidden by black sunglasses. His muscled, lightly tanned chest showing through his unzipped sweatshirt, long and powerful runner's legs clad in cut off blue jeans. He was leaning against the pier his arms across his chest laughing at her. Golden. Please, she offered a silent prayer. Don't let me have lost him. Physically he was here in this world, but mentally? She picked up the file closest to her and opened it. Bill Mulder's face looked out at her. She scanned it intently looking for a resemblance to her partner. The same jaw line, nose and eye shape but that was all, Bill Mulder's eyes were flat, cold and blank. Fox's eyes were hazel with golden green flecks; warm and soft lit from within with whatever emotion he was feeling at the time. His Mother's eyes. Putting down the picture she ran her eye down his bio sheet, nothing that she didn't already know. Pulling another sheet from the file her heart stopped and time stood still. An arrest report? Domestic disturbance, suspicion of child abuse, dismissed through lack of evidence and a contradictory interview from his son. His son! Mulder what happened to you? She knew that his childhood had been less than idyllic but she had never imagined this. Oh God. He'd had all the privileges that being the product of a wealthy family brought and all the hell of what lay on the pages in front of her. Her vision blurred and her heart ached for him. The object of her thoughts was well on his way to a class A drunk. He was actually pleasantly surprised. Normally if he drank anything he stuck to beer. The scotch felt good. Liquid fire coursing through his veins and warming his chest. He could easily get used to this numb feeling. As a psychologist he knew that drinking alone, drinking to forget was a bad move especially being the son of an alcoholic father, but hey it felt good so screw it. He lay in the dark dimly aware of the stereo that he had turned on pounding out some serious bass. A bolt of lightening outside briefly illuminated the room cutting a shard of white light across his wrist. Gold glinted softly. Mulder sighed. He had managed not to think about her for what? at least two hours. The gold was from an id bracelet on his left arm. Scully had given it to him after the incident with the tablet from Africa and Diana's death. He didn't do jewelry but she had insisted saying that the amount of times that he ditched her and ended up alone and hurt he needed one. Her eyes had been gentle and teasing. So beautiful. The inscription was simple, his name on one side and 'Always Dana' on the other. Always and only he thought purposely shutting down that particular avenue of introspection. Too painful. Not safe with him? Close the door and let her go. Needing a distraction, he sat up and flipped on a light. His eyes roamed the room coming to rest on the huge floor to ceiling bookshelf holding among other things some photo albums. Standing up he swayed. "Stood to quickly, not enough oxygen' he rationalized. 'Drunk' his honesty answered. Crossing the room he selected an album at random and opened it. His own face looked back at him, his graduation from high school, eyes full of hope and promise. He moved on, his sister, mother. Closing that one he took down another, older looking with frayed edges. Flipping it open he drew a sharp breath; his father's austere gaze peered out, his hands were resting on the shoulders of a small boy. A boy with a fading telltale bruise on his upper arm. Himself. Mulder stifled a moan and slid down the wall dropping the album as though it had burned him. He curled up on the floor as half forgotten, seriously suppressed memories came flooding back. He was never good enough. A Straight A student was not enough his father always wanted more. The moving picture show of horror in his mind was coming faster now, a kaleidoscope of terror. His father throwing an empty glass across the room, hearing it smashes above his ten-year-old head. His arms being grabbed brutally after his sister was taken, demands to know why he hadn't done something, before he was thrown backward into the door. The man on the floor was trembling now. In his tortured mind he was thirteen again and was being pushed backward onto a couch his hands raised up to protect his face as his father in a controlled drunk advanced upon him and began to rain blows on him, all the while with blank eyes. The trembling turned to deep wracking sobs as the man/child fell asleep. No respite was bought by his lack of consciousness however as his memory segued from his Father's abuse to his Mother's cold neutrality. He was running to her as a small child crying from some nightmare only to be met with 'Big boys don't cry Fox'. A bright light, a loud noise and a window being opened. A scream tore from his throat and he woke up shivering. Wearily he ran a hand over his face looking around the still dark room. Where was he? His hand brushed against the album he had dropped. Oh Yeah. He pulled himself to his feet, he was so cold. Walking slowly through the shadow filled house he made his way to his old bedroom and collapsed on the bed fully clothed. Wrapping himself in a comforter and hugging himself for warmth he fell into a dreamless sleep. (Wednesday) Scully closed Bill Mulder's file and glanced at the clock, after two a.m. she was exhausted. The emotional scene with her partner coupled with what she had just read had drained her. Laying her head back against the soft pillows of the couch she pulled a throw over herself and closed her eyes offering a silent prayer. 'Please, keep him safe until I can find a way to help him. Scully valued Mulder as a partner, had complete trust in him. She was stimulated by his brilliant mind and was his staunchest supporter. That was her professional story, the image she projected, but when she was alone and her guard was down she was Dana. Dana loved her friend, needed his companionship. She was comforted by his very presence, absolutely had to have him in her life. Lately a third personae had emerged, one she would never allow a voice to. This one loved Mulder more than a friend, wanted to run her fingers through his thick hair, feel his touch and more than anything wanted to be a part of his life. Well you blew that one kid. Not after today. Mulder gave his trust grudgingly and once you had it expected no demanded complete loyalty. They had both worked so hard to reach the level that their relationship was at and with four small words in a darkened corridor she had shot it all to hell. Five hours later found her standing inside Mulder's apartment. She had woken stiff and unrested. Bill Mulder's file had revealed no clue as to what his son was in possession of, maybe she would have better luck here. The apartment was quiet and still masked in semidarkness the diffused light from the fish tank throwing shadows on the walls. Moving to his desk she sat down. Mulder's leather jacket was laying over the back of the chair. She shivered partly from the early morning chill but also from the thought of going through his stuff. Her partner was an intensely private man, he wouldn't appreciate this. A chill ran through her and she reached behind her picked to pick up his jacket. It's warm soapy leather smell was coupled with Mulder's aftershave, she slipped it on loving the way it made her feel closer to him. With a final deep breath she began opening drawers. One hour later she had uncovered a lot of personal truths, the most revealing being the photo of her that was the twin to the one she had of him but no enlightenment pertaining to the files Skinner had given her. She pulled open the last drawer a black appointment book lay atop pens, tape and other office detritus. She opened it without much hope, her partner was the most unorganized man on the face of the earth it wouldn't occur to him to write anything down. A small white business card fell to the floor, picking it up she read the legend Dr. Hathaway... Scully was taken aback she'd had no idea that Mulder was in therapy, although after what she had learned last night she understood why. Pushing away from the desk she stood up and shoved her hands into the pockets of Mulder's jacket her fingers closing automatically over the small piece of paper that she felt in there. Drawing it out she unfolded it. A phone number. Grabbing his phone she dialed the number with a growing sense of apprehension. "Yes?' The voice at the end of the line was male. A gravely tone, the breathing labored. "Who is this?" Long and drawn out gasps punctuated the words, sounding like smoke being breathed through water. Ice stabbed at her heart. Oh my God. Scully jammed the receiver back onto the cradle and pushed it away from her as if it were a contagion. Slamming the door behind her she flew down the hall, hit the stairs running and burst into the street heading to her car punching the speed dial on her cell phone as she went. "Skinner." "Meet me at my apartment." "Scully, what is this? Are you okay?' "Sir please." She was out of breath now. "I can't explain over the phone but it is imperative to agent Mulder's well being." She sounded desperate now. "I'm on my way." Scully paced her floor running a hand distractedly through her hair, her mind was a maelstrom of panic. A sharp knock her door jerked her back to the present. Pulling her gun she took off the safety and aimed it at the door. "It's open." Skinner opened the door and stared down the barrel of his agent's gun. "What the hell is going on here?' She grabbed his arm and dragged him inside. "It's him Sir, CSM; he has something to do with that file." "What exactly?" "I don't know you have to find out, I know you can. I have to go to Mulder. Sir, please where is he?" She was practically pleading now her eyes full with the threat of tears. Skinner felt his resolve weaken. He had a soft spot for this particular agent, both of them really but Scully especially. Her dedication to her partner was unwavering. He noticed that she was wearing Mulder's jacket. She cared for him beyond the usual partner/buddy relationship. Skinner had seen Mulder look at her in unguarded moments and he knew that the feeling was mutual. "He's on the Vineyard at his Mother's old summerhouse." "Thank you." She went to leave. "Dana." He put out a restraining hand. "Let me make a few calls. Go pack a bag and I'll go with you." "That's not necessary Sir." "Look I know from personal experience how volatile He can be." She stood looking at him in silence. Skinner sighed in resignation, "Fine. I'll research this end and call you." Scully nodded and went into her room to pack. Mulder awoke to weak fall sunshine slanting in through the half closed blinds playing across his face, birds singing to wake the dead and the hangover from hell. "Oh man" He groaned clutching his head, he hadn't felt this bad since he had pulled all-nighters at Oxford. Opening his eyes he sat up and immediately regretted it as gravity kicked in and the room spun wildly out of focus. Big mistake, huge. He snapped his eyes shut again and waited for the spinning to stop. A few minutes later he tentatively opened his eyes and stood up slowly. He walked gingerly into the bathroom and holding onto the doorframe rifled through the wall cabinet looking for aspirin. No aspirin but there was quite the smorgasbord of drugs. A bottle of Xanax, some Valium. Jeez his Mom had some serious stuff here. Vicodin, that would work. Unscrewing the lid he emptied two out onto his shaking hand. He tossed them into his mouth as he stuck his head under the tap for water. Catching sight of himself in the mirror he shook his head. His hair was seriously messed up, he had a two-day growth of beard, and his eyes were red and bloodshot. Not exactly G.Q. material. Forgoing a shave he brushed his teeth and walking over to the shower sloughed off his clothes and stepped in turning up the water as hot as he could stand it. Halfway to the Vineyard Scully's cell phone chirped loudly jolting her out of a deep reverie. "Yes?" "Scully this is Skinner. I met with my source. When CSM and Fowley held Mulder earlier this year a chip was inserted into him." "What! How?' "I didn't ask. Apparently it has vital information pertaining to the 'cause' which now makes your partner the 'equation'". Silence. "Scully?' "Yeah I'm here." "Does this make any sense to you?" "Some yeah." "I'm assured that Mulder is perfectly safe now. Kill him and you kill the information." A sarcastic snicker met that statement. "What if that's the idea." Oh she had to get to him. "Scully, don't tell him." What are you crazy? she thought. "If you tell him he'll want to remove it and if he does it will kill him. My source tells me that he is safe from human hands now." Human hands she thought. Great, but what about inhuman ones? "Scully be careful, you read the files right?" "Yes." She swallowed hard. "If he's gone in search of personal truths- -He had a hard time when he was younger-." "I read them sir, his father abused him." 'Did you read his file?" "No. I know all about him." "Dana, Mulder has a past history of addiction himself, he had a lot of problems when he was in Oxford, before he joined the academy." "I'll be careful sir." She hung up and unknowingly mirroring her partner the day before floored the accelerator. Mulder stepped out of the bathroom and walked down the hall wrapped only in a towel, grabbing his bag from the floor he rifled through it. Pulling out some black sweats and a black muscle shirt he dressed quickly. His mind felt clouded still; damn it was cold in here. He took his black sweatshirt from the bag and shrugged into it leaving it unzipped. He shoved his bare feet into his boots and stood up. Now what? He was starving hungry but couldn't be bothered to go into town. His eyes moved restlessly about the room and stopped on the bottle of whiskey he had started last night. Why not? thanks to the Vicodin his head no longer pounded. He knew better than to mix drugs and alcohol but it wasn't as if he was going to be driving any time soon. Mulder picked up the bottle and a clean glass and moving over to the window seat he poured a drink. Taking a large gulp he felt the liquid work it's magic as it burned it's way down to his stomach. Much better, too bad he didn't have any smokes. Getting up he went into the kitchen and began opening drawers randomly stopping when he happened upon a pack of Marlboros and some matches. Not really the smokes that he'd had in mind but it would do. He really should get someone to come and go through his mother's stuff. Taking his contraband back to the window he lit a cigarette. The stereo was still playing from the night before. The unmistakable beat of U2 'With or Without You' thrummed through the air. Gold again glinted on his wrist as he raised his glass. Dana. His heart ached, a pit opened in his stomach and threatened to engulf his very existence as he thought of his friend. He needed her so much; missed her like a regular person would an arm or leg, but he couldn't let her in anymore. If she got hurt like all the others he was close to .. He had almost lost her too many times and he couldn't take anymore pain, his mind and body couldn't stand it. But what hurts more Fox to have her or to give her up? She was so gentle; he didn't really understand gentle he had no experience to draw from. Angry he could do, he had learned all about anger from his father and he had learnt well. Aloof and remote was second nature thanks to his high class and Boston money, ice queen Mother, but gentle or any tender emotion was foreign to him. He was getting nicely buzzed now, but was restless with the pain welling up from last night's remembered dreams. He felt the sting of tears and angrily brushed them away. Why didn't they love me? What did I do wrong? He dug his fists into his eyes. Mulder shoved himself into a standing position from the chair his mellow buzz rapidly becoming an enraged drunk. He staggered and in grabbing the side table to steady himself felt his fingers close around his gun. He picked it up and looked at it. Do a lot of damage with this. To himself? The idea wasn't unfamiliar. Who was left to miss him, he had pushed away his only friend. Opening the French doors he stepped out onto the deck and into the misty rain that had begun to fall. Aiming his gun at a distant tree he fired an experimental shot. The familiar tug on his shoulder and ricochet of power through his right hand felt good. He didn't need to inspect the tree to know that he had found his mark, he was a good shot and knew it. Dropping into a classic stance he steadied his right hand with his left bent his knees slightly and fired rapidly. A sound behind him caused him to whirl around his gun arm rock steady. He found himself staring down at his partner. His arm didn't waver, a half a bottle of good scotch and the Vicodin had numbed him nicely. "Put the gun down Mulder." Her bottomless blue eyes pleaded with him. He didn't move. For the first time in their history together Scully was afraid of her partner. His eyes were glassy and unreadable, his father's eyes, his face was impassive. "Go away." He said thickly. "I don't need you, I don't need anyone." Scully felt herself shrink back from his words. She could tell that he was under the influence of something but it still cut her to the core. A larger figure came around the side of the house. Walter Skinner assessed the situation in one glance and stepped in front of Scully shielding her from Mulder's still carefully aimed gun. In Mulder's drug and alcohol addled brain he saw not Skinner but his father. His right hand trembled slightly and he took an involuntary step backward. Scully noted the total lack of recognition in her partner's eyes. 'Oh Mulder please come back to me' she thought. Skinner walked slowly forward extending his hands to show he wasn't armed. "No Sir!" "He emptied his clip into that tree Scully" Skinner said softly continuing to approach Mulder. His agent backed against the wall and dropped his gun; he was shaking visibly now. "I'm sorry. Please, I'm so sorry." His voice was soft and childlike. Skinner reached forward to touch his arm. Mulder shrank back and covering his face with his arm sobbed: "Please don't hit me anymore, I said I was sorry!" Skinner's face was panoply of open emotion as he grasped the younger agent's arms. "Mulder. Fox. It's okay; you're safe now." A dim recognition ran over Mulder's face and he fell forward. Skinner caught him and helped him into the house, sitting him on the couch and holding him until Mulder's sobs slowed down and he sat back wiping his eyes with the back of his hands. "I'm sorry Sir" He whispered. "I'm fine now." He looked up at his partner through his thick tear soaked lashes "nice jacket". Dana Scully had had enough. The past-hours of fear, concern and pain came rushing to the surface. "No you are not fine damn it! Your drunk and on God only knows what else. You held a gun on your boss and me. You are not okay" The tears were flowing freely now.. Mulder looked into her eyes and saw the fear there. "Still afraid huh Scully?" He shoved up to his feet. "I'm drunk and I'm going to bed. You're more than welcome to stay." He waved in the general direction of the back of the house. "There are three other bedrooms." He turned to Skinner and shook his hand. "Thank you for looking after Scully Sir" He looked down at the rug. "and for being there for me, again." He turned unsteadily to Scully and took hold of her hand. "Look at me Scully." It wasn't a request. She looked up but refused to meet his eye. His hand touched her face and he brushed her tears away with his thumb. "Yes, I am drunk, yes I did take a couple of Vicodin and yes it still hurts me that you feel so unsafe with me; but I have never been so happy to see someone in my life." He bent his head and she felt his lips graze her forehead before he was gone. Scully slumped onto the couch next to Skinner. "How did you get here so fast?" "I flew. I know that you didn't want me to come, but I've been through this with him before and it is never easy. He's a brilliant, complex and intense pain in the ass, but I consider him my friend. He's a lot of things Scully but he isn't dangerous, he would hurt himself before he would ever harm you." Skinner stood up. "I have to go my plane leaves early tomorrow morning and I have a hotel room waiting for me." "You're not staying here?" Scully felt more than a little concern, without Skinner as a buffer that just left her and Mulder, were they ready for that? "Dana, I'm your boss tomorrow but tonight I'm your friend. You two need time alone; whether you know it or he knows it there is a serious level of connection between you two. As your friend I'm telling you to explore it. As your boss I'm telling you to fix your partnership." He smiled. "I'll let myself out. See you both in a few days." Scully stood with her hands limply at her sides and looked around the room. Evidence of the affluence her partner had been raised in surrounded her. The furniture and rug were obviously expensive. The Crystal decanter in the armoire that Mulder had opened the previous evening glinted clearly, Silver edged picture frames were scattered about the room. In equal evidence was the complete lack of warmth and harmony. Was this the house that he was hurt in physically and mentally? She shivered violently. Going outside to get her bag she noticed that it had finally stopped raining. The night was clear and still. A full moon reflected brilliantly on the glassy surface of the lake that stretched out at the edge of the wooded lot like a never-ending mirror. Romantic and serene. She made her way back into the house. Feeling her way in the darkness she found a bedroom and dumped her bag. Shower, she desperately needed heat and cleansing. Twenty minutes later she stepped out of the steam and dressed quickly in soft loose gray seats and a white tee shirt. Putting Mulder's jacket back on to ward off the chill in the house she walked stealthily down the dark hall to the room that she had seen him enter. He had left the door open and with a feeling of trepidation she looked in. She prayed that he was asleep, not even remotely ready for another emotional scene with him, but desperately needing to know that he was okay. Mulder lay sprawled on his back one arm thrown up over his head, the other lying by his side. He had kicked off his shoes and removed his sweatshirt. Her eyes traveled his long length drinking him in. The definition of his muscles clearly evident through his sleeveless shirt. The pale moonlight lay across his face that was relaxed in sleep. All the tension and worry of the day washed away. His thick hair hadn't seen a decent haircut in a while and his long locks lay tousled on the pillow and on his face. She walked softly closer and unable to help herself brushed his hair gently away from his eyes. His face was cold. She pulled a blanket from a nearby chair and covered him. He murmured quietly and she glanced at his face quickly. He was still asleep, his breathing was deep and sure. Relaxed for once. Relaxed and oh so beautiful. In that moment standing staring at her partner sleeping in the moonlight she understood. She felt unsafe with him because she loved him so deeply there was no reasoning with it. It was all consuming. To love him would be to become one with him, she would lose her. Walking away with her emotions in an utter turmoil she closed the door gently behind her. Scully went slowly back into the main room. It was still and cold in there, apprehension and something indecipherable hung heavy in the air. Ghosts closed in on her from all angles. His emotionally retarded mother, his angry, explosive father. The little boy who seeking only love found only rejection. The need to dispel these images became overwhelming and moving quickly to the huge stone fireplace that dominated the room she rapidly laid a fire and stood to look for matches. She saw them on the table next to the cigarettes. 'Christ Mulder are you going for total depravity?' Kneeling again she struck the match. Sulfur burning her nostrils she held the light to the paper and watched it ignite. Lying back on the couch she watched as the flames slowly licked the wood engulfing it. Her body began to unwind, the fire was gaining strength now and all the stresses of the past couple of days ebbed out of her as she fell asleep. She awoke suddenly, aware that she was being watched. Blinking rapidly in the harsh morning light her unfocused blue eyes came into direct contact with her partner's clear hazel ones. He smiled awkwardly and held out a cup of coffee. "Good morning sleepy head, thanks for the supplies" She smiled back and took the offered cup. "You're welcome." Mulder took a chair across from her. They sat in silence for a while and Scully sneaked peeks at him from over the rim of her cup. He was struggling inwardly with something. She waited. "I want to thank you for coming. I thought that I could go this alone but I guess that theory is pretty much shot down in flames." He lowered his eyes and his voice dropped a level or two, she had to strain to hear him. "I have a lot to resolve still; but if you would like to stay, I could really use a friend. " A slow tear slid down his face and in a single step she was kneeling in front of him holding his hand. "I'll be here for as long as you want me." She said simply. "Do you want to talk Mulder?" He shook his head vehemently "No" he said his voice cracking slightly. "Not Yet." "What do you want to do then?" He smiled. The first real smile that she had seen from him in days and she knew that she was in trouble. When he gave her that full on slow smile she could deny him nothing. "I want to play." "Play? With what?" " This is one of my childhood homes Scully. My childhood was screwed up, but my parents provided great toys to cover their guilt." Confusion showed in her face, were they going to spend the day playing with trucks and GI Joes? He stood up pulling her up with him. "Get dressed Scully and meet me out by the cars." "Dressed for what Mulder, a play date?" He was flat out grinning now. "A date Scully, yes." Twenty minutes later dressed in jeans and a light blue button front sweater she stood by her car. Mulder came around the side of the house; he had changed also and was in blue jeans and a black tee shirt. He was wearing his black hooded sweatshirt and was carrying his leather jacket. "Hi." He smiled at her. "You wanna play with me? What's your name little girl." She giggled loving his playfulness. "Dana. Dana Scully." 'Dana" he repeated. "A pretty name for a pretty lady." She felt suddenly shy and shivered. He stepped forward and placed his jacket around her shoulders. "I like the way you look in my jacket" He said smiling into her eyes. She felt a swift fission of pleasure at his words. "Come on." He led the way to the open garage door. "Have you ever ridden a bike Dana?" "Of course I have Mulder; I had a ten speed like every other kid." He shook his head, luscious hair flying in all directions and gestured to the garage. "These kind of bikes." Two shining Kawasaki motorcycles gleamed in the sunlight. He laughed at her expression. "See what I mean, great guilt gifts." He took the handles of the black one and swung his long leg over the seat straddling it. Pushing it off the kickstand he turned the key and with the engine revving the bike roared into life. He looked her directly in her eyes. "Would you like your own? Or..." He extended his hand. He was putting the ball in her court being careful not to invade her space but there was a silent plea in his eyes. She didn't hesitate, he looked so incredible sexy astride that machine. All man. She took his hand and got on behind him, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist. Scully couldn't ever remember having had such a fantastic day. He had taken her to a tiny town for lunch and from there they had cruised along the coast road and ended up back near his house for dinner. He had been the perfect gentleman, solicitous, attentive and charming. After dinner they had walked down to the harbor and were now sitting shoulder to shoulder on the seawall. "Dana" "Yes?' She turned to look at him and he thought that she had never looked as beautiful as she did right now. Her eyes were dancing, a faint blush covered her cheeks from the wine they had drunk at dinner and her lips were full and red. He wanted her so badly. Feeling confused and unsure of himself he leaned closer to her and breathed in a low voice. "If this doesn't seem too juvenile, could I hold your hand?" Her heart skipped; she had never thought of Mulder as a romantic or a knight in shining armor, but he was slaying her now. She offered him her hand relishing the warmth that flooded through her as their fingers entwined. Would you like to go back now?" She nodded and they walked back to where they had left the bike. After putting the bike away and going into the house to collect his coat, Mulder made his way out onto the back deck and contemplated his next move. Over dinner Scully had told him about his father's file. She had been concerned that it would make him feel trapped, contrarily he was relieved, now he didn't need to explain. He still needed to know why she felt unsafe with him though. He stepped up onto the deck. It was dark now, at least as dark as it got at the lake under a full moon. Scully was leaning against the far rail, the moon reflecting on her hair. He shivered she was so ethereal it hurt to look at her. She had lit a fire in the outdoor pit and poured two glasses of wine. He raised his eyebrow at the ostensibly seductive scene she had created. Hearing his approach she turned and smiled. Reaching out she took his hand and led him to the wooden swing seat near the fire. "Sit down Mulder, I need to talk to you." His heart lurched but he took comfort in the fact that she was still holding his hand. Scully sat next to him and leaned slight against his shoulder. Her voice was low and smoky, full of emotion. "You misunderstood me Mulder, the other day in the hallway. I don't feel unsafe with you in any physical sense, I could never be anything but secure with you.." "That's good Dana." He interrupted, turning her face to him with a gentle finger on her cheek. "Because I swear I would walk through fire to protect you." She placed a finger on his lips and Mulder could barely suppress a moan at her touch. "Ssh. It's my turn. I feel unsafe with you in so far as my own emotions and reactions to you. At work I can barely trust myself to look at you in fear that everyone will know what I am thinking. I want to love you Mulder. I need to love you. I want to be the one to show you what love is really like. That it isn't painful but sweet and gentle and warm." His put his arm around her shoulders and held her tight. She could feel him trembling and took a big gulp of her wine before continuing. "But if I turn myself over to you I fear that what I feel is so all consuming that I won't know where you end and I begin. I'll lose myself." "Dana." His voice was quiet and rough "Please look at me. She raised her eyes. His face was streaked with tears and he placed his hand gently on her face "I'm not good at sharing myself, too many years of walling myself off to keep out hurt I guess, but I can tell you this. I believe that we are already one, we always have been and we always will be," His eyes were dark and so full of his love for her. She felt her own eyes filling. "I asked you earlier if I could hold your hand?" She nodded barely able to breath knowing what he was going to say. He leaned into her, one hand reaching behind her hair to lightly stroke her neck. He enveloped her with a scent that was a mixture of wood smoke, his cologne and pure him. His mouth was almost on hers. "Dana. May I kiss you?" He breathed. She nodded her head, incoherent with the need to feel his lips on hers. Mulder dipped his head an inch lower and she felt his lips graze hers. A butterfly's wing couldn't have been gentler. His lips parted slightly as he tugged lightly on her upper lip before he slowly and deliciously ran the tip of his tongue over her lower lip. She inhaled a sharp breath at this first sweet taste of him. Her hands reached up to tangle in the locks that she had wanted to touch for so long as he gently nudged her head to one side so he could drop gossamer kisses along her exposed neck. Scully bit back a moan as his kisses worked back up toward her mouth his fingers reaching up to her face. He put a finger in his mouth and sucked on it before running it lightly along her lips. It was his turn to groan as her tongue snaked out along the length of his finger. "Kiss me Mulder. Please." She gasped. His mouth descended onto hers, his tongue parting her lips to allow him entry to her mouth before sliding slowly into the warmth of her. A bolt of pure energy flashed from her brain to her very core as his tongue found hers gently caressing and sliding along it. His hand moved slowly from her waist, his fingers barely tracing the edge of her breast. Mulder slowly broke the kiss and her body cried out for the loss of his mouth. He opened his eyes and looked down at her. Her mouth still slightly parted; her face was a picture of pleasure and love. Maybe now was the time. "Open your eyes." Her perfect blue eyes raised up to him. Mulder held her face tenderly. "Dana Katherine" He whispered his voice shaking. "I love you with my very soul" Dana felt that she couldn't breath. "Mulder.." He shook his head, 'Fox, Dana." She buried her head in his shoulder. Mulder held her tight , he had told her he loved her, had quite literally laid his soul bare to her and she was still here. He had never felt so content. Scully moved herself up onto his lap and sat facing him straddling his legs, her eyes searching his. "Fox" He stroked her hair smiling as trepidation and excitement battled for supremacy on her face, "Yes?" " I need to ask you something" "Uh-huh ." She leaned into him pressing her smaller body against his stronger one. His arms automatically closed around her. Putting her mouth close to his ear she murmured "Would you please make love to me?" An audible moan passed his lips and in one movement he stood and still holding her tightly against him carried her into the house.