From: specialagent_reyes Date: 7 Jan 2002 19:45:00 -0800 Subject: [all-xf] NEW FIC: "Requiem For a Comrade", by Bobbi Source: atxc Requiem For a Comrade By: Bobbi < smberens1013@aol.com > Summary: Marita grieves for the loss of more than a comrade; she grieves for the loss of a lover. Rating: PG Keywords: Marita. Krycek. Romance. Angst. Marita POV. Archive: Please do, but let me know where. Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine. The hardest part is knowing that I cannot mourn for you. Publicly or privately, because they're always watching. We were on opposite sides of the war, as you could put it. You should have been my public enemy number one. And you were, because I made you. We both knew better than to let others find out about us. That would have been a fatal mistake, and most likely would have cost the lives of both of us. I never expected this to happen, let alone to you. You, who are so strong... stronger than even I. 'Were' would be the correct form, I suppose. I was the pretty face, just along for the ride. You were the one who really had it together at all times: you were the one who taught me how to keep a straight face, develop a thick skin, and survive through the hell of it all, which I will be eternally grateful to you for. Grateful, to you... one of the emotions I would have least expected to feel toward you the first time I saw you. I could tell you were going to be trouble, I had you labeled as my archnemesis. You were the devil in disguise, and I was going to have to be gold to make it through your fire. I couldn't melt, I couldn't falter... I couldn't even bend. I had to be courage under fire-- and there was no chance, no choice, of letting that courage fail me. It didn't. Or, did it? I know I did what I was never supposed to: I fell in love with you. I fell for the devil. They didn't tell me not to do that. Then again, they didn't tell me to do it, either. There were no written rules telling me not to fall for the enemy, no one at my back making sure that I didn't. Maybe that's because it was never assumed that I would, never assumed that I could. You and I though, we know how dangerous it is to make an assumption. You knew, anyway; I know. It's going to be awhile before I can stop referring to you in the present tense. It's going to be awhile before I can dull my senses again and make myself accept, once again, that I am Marita Covarrubias-- Marita Covarrubias, who doesn't need anyone else to live. Who never needed anyone else to live. Marita Covarrubias, who doesn't know pain. Marita Covarrubias, who couldn't feel pain if she wanted to. Because I know how it is. I know they're watching, that I can never let my guard down. I know there are many who would love to see my falter and fall-- many just waiting for my demise. They would feel the utmost satisfaction at my demise. I feel... I feel eyes on me. I always feel eyes on me. It's nothing new. But I also feel you, because I cannot let go. When I'm sitting here in the darkness of my bedroom like I am now, I must leave it all to silent thought. I cannot even mutter your name in the darkness, just a mere whisper a few decibles above the level of silence itself. Because then, they might hear. And they cannot hear, ever. What they may hear... is my fear. I cannot sleep, for the fear that I may utter your name, just as a whisper. Then they will hear, and that would be enough for them. Trust no one is not something I can take for granted. It is one of the most valuable lessons I learned from you. But not the most. You can't help who you love. We both tried to avoid it; we both tried to deny it. We knew it wouldn't work. And then, we went and did it anyway. We were enemies; I hated you, and I loved you. I never thought it was possible to feel such strongly conflicting emotions toward one human being. It is. We were star-crossed lovers from the beginning, Alex. We are star-crossed now. It's all gone to hell, as you would say; Maybe I'll join you there soon.