From: charlotte smith Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 16:34:02 PDT Subject: New MSR Fanfic for X-files romantics fanfic archive and Gossamar Hi everyone. I got the idea for this little piece of fanfic while watching "The End"- The part where Scully sees Mulder and Fowley holding hands through the glass door and then goes back to her car and sits for a while looking so upset before she dials up Mulder and asks him to come to work and look at what she has discovered about Gibson Praise. I always wondered what exactly was going through her head as she sat in the car and so decided to write my version of what she might be thinking. This is my first piece of fanfic and so would love any comments or feedback, even if you didn't like it I can take it . Email me at Charlot75@hotmail.com. Title Revelations Author Charlotte Smith (irony1) Classifications Mulder/Scully Romance big Scully angst. Rating G Distribution Statement Gossamer and XFiles Romantics Archive Yes please! anywhere else, ask me first I will let you, but I want to be able to come and visit. Spoilers The End Disclaimer The characters used in this do not belong to me, but are the property of Chris Carter and the Gods at 1013 productions and Fox Broadcasting. Summary Scully thinks about her relationship with Mulder after having seen him and Diana Fowley holding hands in The End. Revelations Charlotte Smith. - - I feel a dull ache and tightness in my chest. My eyes sting and burn with unshed tears and in my throat there is a lump, which I fear may choke me. I sit stunned and utterly without energy in the car, head bowed over with despair and hurt. This time, perhaps, I have met my match an adversary so great that to fight would be pointless. I feel as if for five long years I have been waging an endless battle perhaps a lost cause, but I have never allowed myself to think that it was futile. It is possible that I convinced and deluded myself that he needed me, that I was an essential part of his work and by definition, his life. Sometimes I felt that he did care for me a great deal. There was a softness and understanding in our light-hearted banter and when I was hurt or ill or in danger, his emotions were raw and blazing, his anger ferocious and almost frightening in its iron intensity. In his eyes, when he looked at me, I could see the guilt and the vulnerability, but most of all the pain, so great and vast that I felt it would swallow me. For Mulder, love is a double-edged sword inevitably those he cares for also cause him grief and pain and so, as a rule, in his general attitude he tries not to allow emotional attachments to occur while at the same time almost desperately daring people to care. He is full of contradictions. Perhaps then I flattered myself that behind the pain in his eyes was love?.. But then he would pull away from me again back into himself and his cold, haunted isolation. I felt the protective walls around his psyche strengthen, his arrogance, self-mockery and a seeming disdain pushing me away. This was the battle to somehow hold on and try to weaken the barriers - to maintain our tentative, fragile, unspoken bond. But with all of this I could deal and cope because as exasperating as his faults are, they make him individual. They make him Mulder. But now it would seem that I am being pushed away and excluded not by Mulder's isolation tactics or his disregard for my views as in the past, but instead by another. I keep telling myself that I am being silly and juvenile that I shouldn't feel jealousy or hurt because he is only my partner in work that it shouldn't matter in our strictly professional relationship whether he has feelings for another??but then I remember her holding his hand and the way he seemed to be entranced by what she was saying and I know I am lying to myself. Mulder is much more to me than a partner. Do I love him? I suppose I do. What other reason would there be for the sick feeling of despair I am now experiencing. Although we have never stepped over the physical boundary that separates friends from lovers, we have been emotionally intimate. We have relied and depended on one another and have confided secrets when there was no one else to listen. Yes, I do love Mulder, but although he might regard me from time to time with affection, it has now become obvious that he does not think of me as his true partner. And how could he? I will not and cannot bring myself to believe in his life's passion - that which has driven him for so long and has become his entire universe, his whole reason for living. I do want to believe for his sake, but my mind and my sanity will not allow it and as a result, I argue and resist and ultimately I hold him back. I now know the truth; He needs someone who will believe as he does. I thought I was his ally, but how can I be if I don't really want to discover the answers he is so desperately searching for. I want him to be wrong. Oh God, because of my stubbornness and my cold and rational unwillingness to open my mind and my heart, I will be pushed aside by the woman who was always his real partner. Diana views the world in the same way as Mulder. She believes in what he is searching for and because she shares his passions and motivations, she must truly understand and know him. My heart almost stops as I realise with a sudden flash of insight that I have never truly understood Mulder. I have listened to him and humored him, but I never truly allowed myself to empathise with him, to step into his shoes and see the world with his eyes. I was afraid. My heart sinks with the further knowledge that he recognised this distancing in me and for this reason could never fully confide in me with ease. I never outwardly betrayed him, as my superiors would have me do, but internally, on an emotional level, I realise that I did. And so I sit dejectedly in the car, my spirit broken with a sense of failure and grief. Then I sigh and pick up the phone and dial his number?..