From: RocketMan <lebontrager@harding.edu>
Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1999 16:40:24 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: Rift7::Grace (1/4)


Sorry everyone, but the tornadoes over here blocked my email and I'm
having to resend it all.

Title: Rift7::: Grace (1/4)
Author: RocketMan >lebontrager@iname.com<
Co-Producer: Melissa Kennedy >scullee@email.com<
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to CC, 1013, and Fox. No fringe is
intended.
THIS SECTION IS ALSO ONLY FOUR PARTS

CORRECTION::::
In Guilt, I said they went to Greek school and that the baby's name was
Greek. That was an accident, and I was tired. It's really Hebrew and
Mulder and Sam went to Hebrew school.

~~~~
Grace
~~~~

"I hate elevator music
the way we fight 
the way I'm left here silent
oh these little earthquakes
here we go again
these little earthquakes
doesn't take much to rip us into pieces"
--"Little Earthquakes" Tori Amos

~~~~

When she woke, there was a soul stopping quiet, with only the sounds of a
car passing by outside, the water dripping in the shower stall, a far off
whispering.

She opened her eyes and saw the door securely closed, the blinds pulled
tight against the sun, the clothes piled on a chair. She smiled, knowing
that Mulder had woken earlier and done all of it, his restlessness making
him tidy, and his insomnia keeping him up.

Stretching carefully, she moved out of the bed, sighing.

Her hair was wild and unkempt from sleeping with it wet, and when she
brushed her fingers through it, her hair only curled around her face.

She gathered up her clothes and pulled them back on, carefully moving
around her sore limbs and tight muscles, her blue track pants and shirt
looking dull compared to her pale skin.

She still looked kind of sick.

"Scully?"

She turned and found Mulder standing in the doorway, Grace in his arms and
looking at her with a grin.

"Mommy. Your hair looks curly."

Scully came up to them, putting her arms aound them both and nosing into
Grace's chest.

"Sure does, Gracie. You like it?"

Grace made a face and leaned down to kiss her mother's head, placing her
hands softly on Scully's shoulders.

"Maybe," she answered.

"Better than nothing," Scully sighed to herself, and kissed her back.

Mulder pushed into her and claimed her mouth, traces of their afternoon's
passion in his teeth and lips.

She made a noise and trailed her fingers down his stomach, rubbing his hip
through the sweatpants and shirt.

Moving from the doorway, Scully touched Grace's leg. "Did you have a good
nap, babe?"

"Yes. I slept and slept and slept, Momma. Daddy said you had a nap too."

"That's right," she replied, giving Mulder a grin.

"Did you have bad dreams, Mommy?"

Scully cocked her head and stroked Grace's leg as they walked down the
hall, back towards the kitchen and the dinner Mulder had already made up
for them. Their afternoon 'nap' had really lasted a lot longer than it was
supposed to.

"Bad dreams?"

Grace nodded and leaned toward the sink, making Mulder set her on top of
the counter while he stirred the soup, then checked on their grilled
cheese sandwiches.

"I don't remember any, Gracie. Why do you ask?"

"Mm, I thought I heard you. . ."

Mulder's mouth dropped open, and Scully stilled, looking down at the
cheese melting over the bread.

Grace said nothing more, simply lined their bowls up along the counter,
putting the spoons beside them, playing with things.

Scully gave a sly grin to him and moved to his other side, trailing her
fingers along his arm and making him shiver.

"Cold, Daddy?"

"Just a bit, baby," he replied smoothly and grinned at his daughter,
stirring the soup again.

Grace slid down the counter and went to the table, sitting in it with a
pout as Mulder watched her settle down.

He turned to Scully with a worried look, taking her hand from where she'd
been trying to scrape the cheese off the pan.

"Ah, ah, Scully. Dinner's in a minute."

She bumped him and glanced to Grace. "What's wrong with her, Mulder?"

He frowned. "I don't know. I was just about to ask you."

"How should *I* know? Grace never talks to me."

Mulder gave a grunt and pushed her away, not wanting to start fighting
again.

He ladeled out the soup into three bowls, slipping crackers into Grace's
and handing it to her, along with her cheese sandwich on a plate. Grace
crushed the crackers while Mulder and Scully sat down at the table, her
frown firmly in place.

"Say Grace, Gracie," Scully said softly, trying to get a smile from her
daughter.

Grace shook her head. "I don't feel like it."

Scully bit back a angry reply and instead folded her hands. Mulder sat
quietly while she said a quick prayer, then began inhaling his sandwich
and soup, oblivious to Grace or Scully.

She had only gotten halfway through her soup when Scully noticed that
Grace hadn't eaten anything, and had only picked at her sandwich.

"Grace, you feeling all right?"

Grace laid her head down on the table and sighed, pushing away her bowl
and closing her eyes.

Mulder stopped, looked over at Grace, a flicker of fear in his eyes as he
watched her almost fall asleep on the table.

"Grace?"

"Daddy," she whined, opening her eyes to see him.

Mulder stood, then picked her up, cradling her in his arms and kissing her
cheek.

"Why don't you go back to bed, Grace. . .Get some rest. You'll feel better
tomorrow."

She shook her head and pushed away from his arms. "I don't want to sleep."

"Just rest, baby. You don't have to sleep. You can watch a movie in bed."

Grace nodded and turned as Mulder led her out of the room.

"Mommy?" she said, pushing against Mulder.

Scully stood, coming over to her and kissing her foot.

"Mommy, come tuck me in?" she said softly, as if afraid that Scully would
refuse.

"Of course, baby."

Scully followed them into Grace's bedroom, wondering if her daughter was
simply trying to get her family's attention, or if she really was sick.
~~~~

"Mulder, she just wants attention."

Mulder gaped at her and struggled to pull on his jeans, shaking his head.

"Scully, that's awful."

"It's the truth, you know."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Scully. If she really is sick, we need
to be careful. If she's not, there's no harm in making her go to bed
early."

Scully threw up her hands and pushed past him, coming to stand in front of
the mirror, looking at his reflection.

"Besides," he said, coming up to touch her side. "Grace would never
consent to going to bed early if she wasn't sick."

Scully nodded and kept her mouth shut, knowing that there wasn't any way
to bow out gracefully in this one. She didn't want to start another fight
with him.

"Why don't you go talk to her?" he said softly.

She frowned. "Grace doesn't want to talk to me."

Mulder leaned against the closet doorframe, blocking her way as she pulled
off her shirt, needing something that was free of sweat and dirt.

"Scully. . ."

She closed her eyes and counted, but had to stop when he gripped her arm
tightly.

"Scully, stop that. You can't close your eyes and thinks it'll go away."

She snapped at him, pushing at him. "Mulder, I'm trying to keep from get
angry. Now, let me go, please."

He shook his head. "Talk to Grace, Scully. Promise me you'll talk to her."

"Mulder! She doesn't *want* me!"

Mulder stared at her, mouth open as she lowered her head for a moment,
then quietly pushed on past him, going into their closet and tugging on a
white T-shirt and jeans.

"What do you mean by that?" he said softly, and his voice was hurt rather
than angry.

"Just what I said."

He shook his head and grabbed at her waist as she came close to him,
pulling her down on the bed next to him.

"Scully. . .what about when she came and talked to you about being the
baby? Only you could comfort her. She reached out to you."

"Because you weren't here."

He shook her gently, growling deep in his throat. "Scully, she doesn't
*hate* you. You act like she never says anything to you, like you're going
to martyr yourself for a daughter who doesn't even appreciate you."

She leaned back on the bed, sighing.

"You just don't understand."

"Make me."

Scully closed her eyes and propped her head up with one of the pillows,
feeling more comfortable in the bed's embrace.

He touched her cheek and her eyes opened, seeing his eyes pleading with
her to talk this through.

"She's my sister, all over, Mulder. Melissa and I never got along as kids.
When we were a bit older, we only came together when we had no one else to
turn to. I'd never share my secrets with her, never. And she always made
me into the little kid, the baby, and I never could grow up in her eyes. I
always had to fight to be myself around her, fight to get her to say a
decent word to me. Grace is her all over again."

Mulder reached out and traced a lock of hair that trailed down her cheek
and along her neck.

"I would have said she was exactly like you, Scully. Stubborn and closed
off at times, then bright and beautiful and exciting at others."

With a snort, she sat up, pushing away his finger. "You're distracting
me," she said softly, explaining her shift in posture.

"It's true Scully. She's you all over, not your sister."

"You didn't know Melissa very well."

"I do know you. You're exactly alike. I'm convinced it's the only reason
she likes me so much, Scully."

"Besides being her father."

"I hated mu father."

Scully closed her mouth and looked over to the window. "Mulder, I. . .I
just don't know how to talk to her. She never wants to talk to me."

"She does. She just thinks the world of her mother, can't imagine that her
mother could ever have problems, so why go to her with them?"

Scully felt tears slipping through her iron strong will, and she squeezed
her eyes shut.

"I didn't know how to really talk to Melissa, and I don't know how to talk
to Grace."

"Why don't you at least try, Scully? Before Grace is too old to understand
her parents anymore."

Scully nodded softly and pushed her body into Mulder's, inviting his arms
to encirlce her with his strength.

"I do love her-"

"I *know* you do. I know it. Grace knows it too. She's just too much like
you to ask for help when she needs it."

Scully poked his stomach with a soft smile, then rubbed her cheek along
his shoulder.

"All right. I'll go talk to her. Hopefully, I'll get somewhere."

"You will. I know it."

She nodded and stood, casting a look back to Mulder.

He would have laughed had it not made him feel so sick.

She looked as if she were going off to die, to be ripped apart.

He sat back on the bed, then turned on the television.

His girls needed to do this, needed to talk.

It'd been too long.
~~~~

end part one
adios
RM


Rift7:::Grace (2/4)
<lebontrager@harding.edu>

~~~~

"Why do we crucify ourselves
every day I crucify myself 
and my heart is sick of being in chains"
--"Crucify", Tori Amos

~~~~

Scully pushed her hands deep into her pockets, standing outside Grace's
door listening to Larry the Cucumber of Veggie Tales singing from the
television. Trying to find some kind of courage for this talk her eyes
swept the hall with a faint sense of panic.

Her own daughter frightened her.

The pictures crept along the wall, photos of Grace in their arms as a
baby, one of Scully pregnant, some of Mulder holding his daughter so
tenderly that even now it made her want to cry, and then there was Grace's
birthdays, with her Gramma laughing, and others.

It was a montage of their family, all of them having Grace featured,
centered, the star of the show, the baby. Grace was their miracle, their
entire life, and yet, she was so far removed from Grace, that it scared
her.

She heard a lull in the video, so she hesitantly knocked on the door.

"Yeah?" 

"It's mommy, Grace."

"Come in."

Scully smiled and opened the door, looking to the television as a little
broccoli ran around on the screen talking about God giving 'this land to
us, no need to fuss' and then it changed and she couldn't follow it
anymore.

"Hey, Gracie, how're you feeling?" Scully said, dropping down next to her.

Grace shrugged, looking down to the bedspread and fingering the sheets.

Scully reached for the remote and turned down the volume.

She had no idea how to start with this, no clue how to talk to her own
daughter.

"Baby. . ."

Grace's eyebrows jumped, and she got a guilty look in her eyes, then
licked her lips. 

"Grace. . .are you all right, hon? Do you want to talk about anything?"

Grace's forehead furrowed and she leaned back in the bed, moving to the
pillows, cradling her teddy bear.

Scully moved closer to Grace, but found a GI Joe poking her leg. Pushing
it away, Scully settled next to the little girl, putting her arm around
Grace's shoulders. 

She knew she had hated it when her own mother had forced her to talk, a
lot of the times making her say things she never wanted to share. So she
didn't want to make Grace uncomfortable, didn't want her to think she had
to talk to make Scully feel better.

Grace sighed and hunkered down into the bed.

Scully said nothing, but began stroking her hair and forehead, smoothing
away the frown lines and letting her fingers feel the utter softness of
Grace's skin. It was silky, her hair a mass of tangles after her nap and
her baby cheeks still full and round.

Grace sat up a bit, maybe out of irritability or discomfort, but didn't
try to move away from her mother's fingers.

Scully grabbed her brush from the nightstand and pulled it gently through
her hair, smoothing it out and making it shine. She delighted in the
quiet, at how still Grace was being, at how patient and obdeient.

"I love your hair, Gracie. It's smooth, and thicker than mine, not so limp
at times."

Grace turned her head to see her mother, then moved back to let her mother
keep brushing, her face a mask of confusion.

"But your hair is pretty, Mommy. Daddy says so."

Scully laughed softly, running her fingers through her daughter's hair.

"Oh baby, your hair is so much prettier than mine. Redheads can't even get
angry without someone making a joke-"

"-about your temper, right Mommy?"

"That's right, Gracie. It turns out not to be funny anymore."

Grace giggled and moved a bit, wiggling to indicate that Scully needed to
keep brushing her hair. When she did, Grace sighed and slumped down.

"I like it when you brush my hair, Mommy."

Scully laughed. "I like it when you sit still for me, hon. If you want, I
can brush your hair every night. . ."

Grace turned and gave her a huge smile, something that Scully realized she
hadn't seen in a while.

"Will you?" she said softly, her joy so evident at such a simple thing,
that Scully felt her heart swell.

"Of course, Gracie. Anything."

Grace turned back and moved her shoulders. "Keep brushing, Mommy."

"Yes ma'am."

"Does Daddy brush your hair?" she asked suddenly.

Scully frowned, thinking. "Well, once in awhile."

"Do you not like having your hair brushed?"

"Oh, I love it Grace. Just like you."

The little girl pulled her pillow up to her chest and hugged it tightly,
then laid her head down in the little valley, Scully still able to get to
her hair.

"Why don't you make Daddy brush your hair then?"

Scully shrugged and played the brush along her scalp. "Not sure. I never
really thought to ask."

"Well, I never thought to ask either," she said softly.

Scully paused, thrown by the connection the little girl had made,
impressed by the maturity it showed. Something very unlike Melissa. . .

"I see. Anything else you never thought to ask?"

"No. . .Well, yes. Is the sky the same color to you as it is to me?" she
said suddenly, turning around to face her mother, head tilted.

Scully put down the brush, a little thrill running through her as she
recognized so many elements of Mulder in her daughter, the eyes intense
and questioning, the depth of her thinking.

"My sky's blue. What about yours, Gracie?"

"Blue," Grace said, then shook her head. "But you and Daddy taught me that
a certain color I see is blue. How do I know that it's the same as what
you see? What if your blue is my orange or purple or something?"

Scully's mouth hung open and she blinked.

"Well, I don't think it could be like that. There's going to be some
discrepancies in what we name things, because our eyes may perceive it
differently, but not anything like that. Did you know that light is little
waves that reach our eyes?"

Grace frowned and thought for a moment. "Waves? Like in the water?"

"Close. They're invisible, and they travel in the air, in water, and they
hit your eyes, telling you what colors they are. Like, your blue
pillowcase with the white stars, it puts out these waves that say, hey I'm
blue, or I'm white."

Grace's smile lighted the room and she laughed. "Wow. I know how color
works!"

"That's right."

"So how do our eyes know what that wave is saying?"

"Think about a radio. The radios station sends its waves and then our
stereo here picks up those waves. Well, then the radio deciphers those
waves and gives us music. The same thing happens with our eyes. Our eyes
are the radios, and it sends those waves to our brains, and then our
brains figure out what the waves are saying."

"Cool! You sure do know a whole lot, Mommy. More than Daddy."

Scully smiled and rubbed her shoulders gently.

"Oh, Gracie. Daddy's knows more about things than I usually do. Any other
questions?"

Grace looked like she wanted very badly to say something, but she didn't,
instead she shrugged and buried herself under the covers.

"Do you like Ohio?" she said suddenly, her mouth puckered.

"Well, yes. It's really pretty when it snows, and it's quiet and warm."

Grace's face looked panicked, and Scully gave her a quick hug.

"Why Ohio, Gracie?"

"I'm going to finish my movie. Okay, Mommy?"

Scully recognized her defenses slam shut again, but realized that Grace
*was* a lot like her in that way.

"All right, hon. If you're not asleep, I'll come tuck you in later and
brush your hair some more."

Grace nodded and pushed the volume back up on her television, eyelids
drooping as she watched.

Scully stood back up, feeling better about Grace than she had in a long
time. She had stopped treating her daughter like her sister, or even like
a baby, and Grace had responded to that.

Slipping back outside, she supposed it wasn't really what she'd gone in
for, but at least she had some basis for starting a real conversation,
where they would talk about them, and not about color waves and Ohio.

Mulder was waiting for her in the living room, a grin across his face.

"You peeked," Scully said, noting his huge smile.

He nodded. "Looks like it went well."

"Yeah. It did. I never got around to finding out what was really bothering
her, but maybe later."

Mulder opened his arms and she sat next to him, slipping into his embrace.

"So, what did you talk about?"

He watched her frown, then smile as she remembered Grace's eager
questions.

"I explained how we see color. She thought I was smarter than you."

Mulder grinned. "I assume you set her straight."

"Oh, of course. I explained that sometimes, guys can be a lot less
intelligent than girls, but we shouldn't hold that against them."

He groaned. "You *didn't* tell her that."

"No. I should have though."

"Glad you didn't, it's bad enough living with two women, let alone have
them thinking they're smarter or something."

She shoved him aside as he grinned, then shared the rest of their
conversation with him.

Mulder was frowning as she finished. "She asked if you liked Ohio?"

Scully nodded and shrugged. "I don't know what it means."

"Heaven," he said softly.

Scully's eyebrow rose and her look clearly said <keep talking.>

"Last year, when you were at your mother's and I was taking her over
there. . .with all that I did at that time, and everything going on, we
kind of pushed her away, you know? Anyway, in the car she said that you
were far away, in Ohio, where all the others were."

"Others?"

"The babies that we tried to have before her, the little one that died.
She told me that you wanted to stay there, wanted to stay with the babies,
not her or me."

Scully's mouth dropped open and she sat up, about to go in and say
something to Grace.

"No, no, stop." He reached out and pushed her back down. "Wait. When I
asked her why she said that, she replied that you liked Ohio because it
was all snowy."

"I told her that same thing just tonight. Does she think I'm sad all the
time about the others?"

"I don't know. Maybe that was her way of dealing with our separation at
that time. Maybe she was trying to give an explanation in her own way for
why you two aren't close."

Scully sighed and leaned against the couch again, back in his arms.

"She thought I wanted to leave her behind. I. . .She chose to stay with
you, and yet she still thought I had left her behind."

"She couldn't understand why we couldn't stay together. . ."

"So why is she mentioning Ohio again?" Scully said softly, face furrowed.

"You just lost a baby, Scully. She knows that, sees the sorrow in your
face. . .I guess this has affected her more than we thought it would."

"I hope she knows I'd never leave her."

Mulder pulled her closer to him.

"I think you're going to have to remind her, Scully, even if she knows
deep down."
~~~~

end part two
adios
RM

Rift 7:::Grace (3/4)
<lebontrager@harding.edu>

~~~~

"I can feel the distance getting close
you're right next to me
but I need an airplane 
I can feel the distance as you breathe
sometimes I think you want me to touch you
how can I when you build the great wall around you
in your eyes I saw a future together
you just look away"
--"China" Tori Amos

~~~~

Scully wanted to work again, but she found herself at home, making Grace's
lunch for school, picking up the Barbie's littering the floor, saving GI
Joes from the fireplace, and vacuuming the messes everyone made.

Housework was exhausting, but it only made her restless for her job, for
looking at Mulder's back in the rows of desks, for raising an eyebrow as
he spouted lame theories for their newest cases, just to keep in practice.

She missed the sneaking behind Kersh's back as they stole files from the
current heads of the X-Files, then went and investigated them better than
anyone. She wanted to watch the victim's body open before her and let her
discover its mysteries; she needed to feel the scalpel beneath her palm
and know that she was helping to bring down the forces that had caused so
much pain in her life.

She also needed to find the energy to do those things, needed to gather
her strength and her health before going back into the field.

It would be unfair to Mulder to get back into it without having enough
time to grieve, and it would be dangerous and foolish, her own self a risk
to others.

As she dusted off the end tables, noting with a frown that they hadn't
been dusted in forever, Scully realized that she would be going into work
soon, despite everything.

And she also realized that if she was to ever get through to Grace, this
was the time.

Glancing to her watch, she sighed at the time: only ten.

It was a Friday, and over the weekend, she would be trying to convince
Mulder to let her work, let her sublimate her grief into something more
productive than dusting the same countertops every five mintues.

She bit her lip, heading aimlessly to her bedroom, steering for the
closet, finding a pair of jeans and a thin navy blue sweater to wear over
a white T-shirt.

Pulling on the black leather jacket Mulder had gotten her for their first
Christmas, amused because she had loved his so much and stolen it often,
Scully trudged through the halls looking for her keys.

She snagged her shoes and pushed them on her feet as she ran out the door,
excitement building in her.
~~~~

The school office was crowded with sick kids trying to get home and
mothers trying to bring their kids a forgotten lunch. 

Scully slid into the line and waited her turn at the desk, pitying the
secretaries who sat there trying to direct the mothers and fathers and
kids.

There was sense of busy-ness to the place, and Scully found herself
missing the rush of work, the going and going - a feeling that never
stopped, not even when she got home.

As she moved up in line, Scully watched two girls come in, hand in hand,
and make some copies for their teacher, giggling together. She realized
that those girls were exactly like her as a child: teacher's pet, able to
roam the halls and get away with not doing their homework.

She didn't miss those days. She had hated school, especially middle,
although elementary hadn't been so bad.

Strange thing was, work wasn't much different. Still had the same inane
rules, same crazy ways of doing things, and the same group of people who
were 'popular' and snobbish.

The woman behind the desk motioned to her and Scully scooted closer.

"I need to take my daughter out of school for the rest of the day," she
said.

The woman's eyebrows arched. "Do you have an excuse?"

Scully stared her down with her best, 'I'm an FBI agent so don't mess with
me' look and nodded coolly.

"She has a doctor's appointment."

Scully could see that the woman was wondering how a doctor's appointment
could last the rest of the school day, but she merely shrugged.

"What's your daughter's name, ma'am?"

"Grace Mulder."

The woman nodded and went to go page the class room that Grace was in,
leaving Scully to stand there, wondering if this was a good example to be
setting to her child, but not really caring at that point.

She had to talk with Grace, had to get past the walls that were always
between them. It had taken her and Mulder years to be able to share the
little they did now, simply not their nature, but this was her daughter.

She couldn't afford years.
~~~~

Grace came to the office with a look akin to panic, eyes wide as she saw
her mother.

Scully gave her a faint smile and held her finger to her lips, eyebrow
quirking.

The secretary checked her out and Scully signed the little card, then they
were outside, walking quickly to the car, each step one leading closer and
closer to freedom.

"What's wrong, Mommy?"

Scully shook her head. "Nothing, baby. Thought we could go do something."

"During school?"

Scully turned to look at her daughter, eyebrows raised, noting the
disappointed note to Grace's voice, the way her head hung.

"Did. . .is everything okay, Grace?"

"Mommy. . .on Friday's it's *fun*!"

Scully stopped walking, feeling her gut wrench with sick despair.

"Baby. . .I. . ."

"On Friday we get to do chalk drawings and we can talk as much as we
want."

"Oh. . .baby, I'm sorry. You want to go back?"

Grace looked down at the sidewalk, then over to her mother's car, it's
beige-silver doors dull in the dim light, the grey clouds reflected in the
windows.

"No," she said softly, then glanced up to her mother. "What are we going
to do?"

Scully smiled wide, squatting down beside Grace and taking her hands.

"Anything you want to do, Gracie. How about we go to the mall and have
some fun?"

Grace nodded and jumped up, excited and full of energy.

"The mall! Yeah yeah yeah!"

Scully grinned and opened the car door, letting Grace climb in and pull on
her seatbelt. She slammed shut the door and went around to the driver's
side, smiling despite the minor snag to her plans.

When she got settled in, and had pulled the car out onto the street, Grace
looked up at her.

"Why'd you take me out of school today Mommy?"

Scully watched the traffic pass before them, the red light above, hanging
by wires and threads, then wondered why she had taken her daughter out of
school.

"I wasn't really thinking Gracie. I wanted to be with you before I went
back to work."

"You mean, before you don't have anymore time."

Scully licked her lips and turned left, easing onto the major street with
a little nervousness; she always hated turning in front of traffic, ever
since she'd been in an accident with her mother.

"I suppose so, Gracie. Work takes up a lot of time."

"Why does it take all your time? Why can't you be at home like this past
week?"

Scully felt cornered, closed off, and she focused her rising anger on her
driving.

"Baby, Daddy and I need the money from both of us, and work. . ."

"Daddy needs to work, he told me. I guess you do too?"

Scully sighed. "Yes. Yes, I need to work."

"I think I understand. Kind of like when we have summer vacation and by
the time it's time for school to start, I want to go back."

Grace looked out the window with a sort of detached quietness to her, then
over at her mother, watching her.

"That's right, Gracie. Just like you want to go back. It doesn't mean we
don't love being with you, just as you wanting to go back to school
doesn't mean you don't love us."

"Right. I know that Mommy. You don't have to keep explaining things to me.
I just wondered why you like work so much."

Scully shut up, realizing with a smile that not everything came down to
fragile egos and destroyed self-images.

She and Mulder were just over-sensitived to it because of his own
childhood.

"Well, baby. I like work because it's fun. It keeps me smart and
interested."

"Smart? You're really smart so you must work a whole lot."

Scully laughed and glanced over at her. "Well, thanks baby. You're pretty
smart yourself."

Grace let loose with a huge grin and hummed to herself. "Can we turn on
the radio?"

"Sure."

The music was fast and upbeat, and they drove back to the house in an easy
silence, singing softly and smiling.
~~~~

Grace had pulled on jeans and a white T-shirt, carrying a light sweater
with her because of the storm clouds outside. She watched her mother touch
up her make-up with an absorbent look, mouth parted.

"Does this go here?" she asked, picking up an eyeliner pencil and touching
her mother's lids.

Scully smiled and looked at her in the mirror, eyebrows raised.

"Want me to put a little on you?"

Grace's mouth dropped open. "What? Daddy. . ."

"It's okay, Gracie. Not a *lot* hon. Daddy won't mind just for today."

Mulder had a thing about make-up, she remembered, didn't even like *her*
to wear that much because he said it reminded him of bad things.

Whores most likely, but she didn't say that.

Grace looked speculative for a moment then nodded. "Okay."

Scully picked her up and set her on the counter, grunting a bit as her
stomach muscles protested, and her recent complications reminded her of
their presence.

Grace watched her with a worried look, placing her hands to her mother's
shoulders, tensed and hunched beneath the shirt.

"Momma, you okay?"

"Mmm, yeah baby. I'm okay."

She straightened and gave her daughter a smile, then took the pencil
delicately in her fingers, and Grace's chin with her other hand.

"All right, just hold still, with your eyes closed."

Grace's lids twitched violently as Scully got closer, making it impossible
for her to do anything.

She smiled. "Let's give you some lipstick, first."

Grace's eyes opened. "Lipstick?"

"It's light, baby." Scully reached out and grabbed a tube of gloss, a
light peach that would look perfect on her.

Instead of putting on the lip balm, she traced Grace's eyelids, something
the girl wasn't expecting and so she didn't jerk as much.

"Now, we'll put on the gloss, baby."

Grace grinned. "You tricked me, didn't you?"

"I couldn't get close to put it on, hon."

"I know. Okay, now the lipstick. Could I put on some of your lash color
too?"

"Mascara? Um, let's see how this looks first."

Grace nodded and let her mother outline her lips with a faint rim of
color, then fill in with the gloss, rubbing it in a bit to keep it from
smearing.

She smiled at her daughter and pointed her chin to the mirror.

"See, still you, baby."

"I look pretty," she said hesitantly, eye's flickering to her mother's in
the mirror.

"You always look pretty, Grace. All make-up does is highlight what you've
already got."

Grace's face softened and she turned to her mother. "I look like this?"

"All the time, Grace. All the time."

"Cool."

Scully laughed and finished her own make-up. "What do you say we go to the
mall now, love?"

Grace stuck out her hand and took her mother's offered elbow with a huge
smile, taking up Scully's playful tone.

"At once, mother."

Laughing, they ran for the car, slamming the door shut behind them.
~~~~

end part three
adios
RM


Rift7:::Grace (4/4)
<lebontrager@harding.edu>

~~~~

"Everybody feels this way sometimes, everybody feels this way -
And I do.
You can't hear it, but I do."
--"I Do," Lisa Loeb

~~~~

The mall was huge, with a carousel in the middle of the first floor,
spinning slowly in space, like a strange ethereal UFO suspended by
shoppers and children.

There were hundreds of stores littering the sides of the mall, with a JC
Pennys, Dilliard's, Goldsmith's and Sears, along with a GAP, Express, and
some others that Scully distinctly remembered hearing about before.

Grace only had eyes for the carousel, and the large black stallion with
nostrils flaring and mane flying that seemed to leap from its base with
life and power. Scully felt just as impresed by it, thinking that if she
were five again, that would be the one she'd go for too.

They paid three dollars for a ride and stood in line for an eternity,
finally making it to the head of the line, about fifty children jostling
behind them.

The woman cut off the boarders right before them and Grace's face dimmed
as she watched another ride go around without her.

Scully leaned down and hugged her, whispering, "You get first choice this
way, Grace. See, there's already a boy on him right now. You might not
have gotten him."

Grace nodded and cheered up, lifting her chin and smiling, determined to
ride that horse.

When the others filed off, the attendant let them on, and Grace went
running for that stallion, Scully right behind her, hoping she would get
there first.

She found Grace staring at the horse when she got around to the other
side, a boy of about eight already on him, smiling at her.

Scully's heart sank and she leaned against the carousel pole, wondering
what would happen next.

"Are you riding him?" Grace said softly, her eyebrows coming together in a
desperate attempt to keep from crying.

The boy looked down at her and Scully felt jolted by his eyes, the way
they seemed to flow right into the air and down into her soul, and he
wasn't even looking at *her.*

The boy slid down from the horse. "No. I was saving him for you," he said
softly.

Grace's mouth dropped and she glanced back to her mother. Scully shrugged
and thanked the boy as Grace pushed herself up onto the back of the huge
animal.

"Thank you," Grace said softly, hiding her eyes.

The boy nodded and patted the neck of the horse. "I'll ride next to you,
okay?"

Grace nodded again and watched him climb onto a giraffe, clearly a less
noble creature than the black stallion she was perched on. She gave the
boy a huge smile and Scully sat on a sort of half mermaid, half seal,
watching them.

"My name's Grace. What's yours?"

"Will. Hullo."

"Hi."

There was a moment of awkwardness, where Grace looked at the floor and
wondered if the ride would start and Will simply stared at her.

Scully felt shocked; the boy was so. . .familiar to her somehow. So right
that he should be there, talking to her daughter, a whole three years
older than her.

She shook her head and reaized that he looked a little like Mulder, mainly
in the eyes. So sad and soft and intense, with glimpses of a life she
never wanted to explore on her own, but would do so willingly with him.

But this wasn't Mulder, this was a little eight year old boy talking to
her five year old like college guys talked to senior high girls.

She sat back though and merely watched.
~~~~

"Will said I looked pretty. He said he has a sister like me, my age. But
she's gone now."

Scully's lips pursed and she glanced to where the boy had disappeared,
shaking her head.

"Did you find out why he was out of school?"

"His dad was mad at him, and he got hurt so his mom let him stay home. She
dropped him off."

The similarities to Mulder's own childhood were enough to make her want to
get out of the mall, right then, but she shrugged it off and refused to be
spooked.

They started down the mall, waiting for the day to find them.
~~~~

At home finally, exhausted, Scully crawled onto the couch next to Grace,
yawning and feeling her eyes drift shut.

"Mommy, thanks for my new shirt."

"You're welcome. I know it's hard to chose between two things you like. .
."

Grace had wanted another shirt too, but Scully refused to spoil her child
simply because they had a rocky relationship. She wasn't going to buy her
daughter's respect or her love.

"I understand Momma. . . Will you brush my hair?"

"Sure, love. Go get your brush and we can do that out here."

Grace ran for her brush and Scully felt a bit uneasy. She still hadn't
managed to find out what had been bothering Grace for awhile, but she
hoped that their outing had reassured the girl of whatever had been shaky
before.

When her daughter came back waving her brush, Scully took it from her and
laid her on the couch, smoothing the bristles down her long, somewhat
curly hair.

"Thanks, Mommy."

"I like being able to do this for you, baby."

Grace was silent, hypnotized by the rhythmic lull of each stroke, drowsy
from the mall and the smells and the fun, but also still trying to adjust
to a side of her mother she didn't see often.

"Is this because of Ben?" she said softly.

Scully stopped dead still for a moment, then resumed her motions, trying
to feel out the question before answering.

"You mean, did I take you out of school today because of losing Ben?"

Grace nodded.

"Maybe in part. Losing him taught me some things, though. Grace. . .I. .
.I don't get to do a lot with you, love. I want to more than anything, but
I wasn't sure. . ."

"Ben. . .you would've spent a lot of time with him."

"Yes, I would have been forced to. Although not a bad thing. . ."

"When *I* was a baby did you spend a lot of time with me?"

"All the time. I stayed home from work for a few months, Gracie. Then
Gramma took care of you for about four hours while I worked part-time."

"Till how long?"

"Until you were a year old."

"You didn't get to work much because of me."

"Baby. . .I loved being with you. I didn't miss work so much as I do now."

"If Ben were here, would you work?"

Scully clamped down tightly on her grief and continued brushing the girl's
hair, needing to keep part of her mind occupied.

"No. Probably not."

"But you're going back Monday, aren't you?"

Scully felt her heart prick and she merely nodded, knowing that Grace
already knew the answer.

"Mommy. . .would you hate me if I did something very bad?"

"I could never hate you, Grace," she said, her voice so firm, resolute,
that it gave no room for thought otherwise.

"I think I killed Ben," she said in a choking rush.

Scully's hand stopped, horrified that her daughter could think such a
thing.

She pulled Grace up to her, hugging her tightly. "No, no, baby. You didn't
Grace. It's no one's fault what happpened. Ben couldn't have lived very
well with us. He wasn't ready to."

"I did, Mommy. I didn't want another baby, and I. . .I prayed and asked
God to make it just me again."

Scully cradled her tightly, shaking her head.

"Gracie, God didn't take Ben away because you didn't want a baby. I
honeslty don't believe God works like that. Ben was a chance for me and
Daddy. . .and he gave me back my family. I didn't even know I had lost you
guys."

"You didn't lose me, Mommy. You've never lost me."

Scully gave her a teary smile and buried her face in Grace's hair, hugging
her.

"So, do you understand that this isn't your fault, Grace?"

She shrugged. "I asked. . .God gave it to me. Daddy always tells me to be
careful what I ask for. He told me he lost his sister when he was a little
boy."

"Honey, Daddy didn't lose his sister. She was taken. Daddy always thinks
that everything is fault, Grace. That wasn't his fault. This wasn't *your*
fault."

"I. . .I prayed. . ."

"Gracie. God listens to you, but he won't do things that He doesn't feel
is right. He's not going to change his mind because you were a little
selfish."

"You. . you mean that God had already decided to take Ben?"

"That's right, hon."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I can't tell you why. Maybe because Ben wasn't very strong,
and his heart had some things wrong with it."

"Oh," she said softly and looked up at her mother. "Ben. . .I did want a
brother."

"You did?"

She nodded and sucked on her lower lip. "I was afraid you wouldn't have
any time for me at all."

Scully closed her eyes and felt her tears slip down her cheeks. "That's my
fault, Grace. All my fault."

She shuddered and touched one of the teardrops along her mother's skin.
"Daddy has time for me, and he comes home earlier than you. . .but your
jobs are the same. I don't understand. Do you not like me, Mommy?"

Scully dropped her head and held Grace closer to her chest.

"Baby. . .Grace, I love you more than anything, and I am so *so* sorry. I
am so sorry."

"Why does Daddy come home and you don't?"

She shook her head. "We have a lot to do, Grace, and I know that's no
excuse, but *one* of us has to stay. I let Daddy go home because I . . .I
thought you liked being with Daddy more than me."

Grace's face was stricken, her mouth hanging open. "But you're my Mother!"

She looked into Grace's eyes, offering nothing.

"You thought I didn't want to be with you?"

"You didn't, did you? Grace, it's okay if you like Daddy better. . ."

"Why do you *say* that? How could you think that? I just want you to
*love* me."

Scully closed her eyes and pulled Grace into a hug, both of them sobbing
now, heedless of tears or time.

"I love you, I always love you."

"I like you the same as Daddy. . ."

She didn't say it, but Scully remembered her choice, remembered her
running back to her father as she walked away from the hurt.

"But you left me, Mommy," she whispered tightly. "You left. You didn't
even try."

Scully pulled back, indignant. "Grace! I wanted you with me, baby. I asked
you to come with me. Do *not* fool yourself. That was your choice. I will
not feel guilty for that."

"You left me and Daddy! Now, you don't have Ben. How do I know you won't
leave again?"

She was furious, but trying to keep it down, the frightened look in
Grace's eyes making her calmer.

"Grace. That was between me and Daddy. But we're so much better now, love.
Daddy did some bad things, and then I did some bad things, and we had to
get away from each other for a little bit so that we could see how much we
loved each other."

Grace was shaking her head. "You left."

"Daddy didn't want you to come with me. You like Daddy better. It's okay."

"I. . .I thought you didn't like me. So, I stayed with Daddy."

"I asked you to come with me, Grace. But that doesn't matter anymore.
We're okay. I'm not leaving again."

"If you left, I'd go with you, Mommy."

Scully closed her eyes, her heart both crushed and healed in the same
instant.

"Daddy would get lonely," she said softly.

Grace nodded. "So, I guess it's best you don't go."

Scully smiled and kissed her chin. "That's right. I best not go anywhere."

"Is Ben in Ohio?"

Scully laughed and felt the tension drain from her. She wasn't sure if
their problems were over, but they were healing, they were getting closer
to each other.

"Not Ohio, love. Heaven, yes. Not Ohio."

"Oh. Is Ben watching us?"

"He's just a baby, Grace. But maybe."

"I like to think of him watching us. I like to think maybe he knows who I
am."

"Oh. . .I think he knows who you are. Who all of us are."

Scully smiled softly and cradled Grace in her arms, nose in her hair.

"You were a happy baby, you know that Grace?"

"I was?"

"Yeah. You laughed all the time. Daddy said you were laughing at him
because he wasn't very good at changing diapers, or putting your clothes
on you."

"He couldn't dress me?" she laughed and felt a giggle escape.

Scully nodded, smiling with the memory. "He kept getting your head stuck
in the little pajamas, and he never could get the diaper on the right
way."

Grace giggled again and looked up at her mother.

"I bet you did it perfectly."

Scully shook her head with a rueful grin. "Not at all. I was worse than
Daddy. I had to get your Gramma to show me how to feed you right, and what
kind, and even what time."

"No way!"

"Yes, way!" Scully said back, making a face at her. "Gramma laughed at me
too. Mulder, Daddy, said he felt better knowing I couldn't do it any
better than him. I wasn't used to it at all. But Daddy and I both
learned."

"What was my first word?"

Scully sighed and rolled her eyes. "Ghost. Daddy taught that to you. It
was funny though, because you called Daddy 'ghost' for a few months, and
drove him crazy with it."

"I got him back, huh?"

Scully nodded, smiling with her little girl. "You sure did."

They lapsed into an easy silence and Scully played with the ends of
Grace's hair, content to think about her memories.

Mulder's car pulled up, but they both remained laying there, Grace's head
in Scully's lap, and her mother's fingers running through her hair.

When he walked in, Grace was asleep and Scully was smiling.

He grinned and kissed the corner of her mouth. "I suppose after seeing
this, you think I'm going to forgive you for not calling me?"

"Not calling you?"

"Or your mother?"

Scully's mouth dropped open and she jerked, then her hands flew back to
Grace's head to keep her asleep.

"I completely forgot to tell Mom. She's got to be frantic."

"Nope. When she couldn't reach you, she called the school and found out
that you had taken her out for the day. Then she called me."

"I'm sorry, Mulder. I forgot. I was so excited about getting out and doing
something-"

"I understand. So, how's the little munchkin?"

"Tired. But we talked. And it was good."

He smiled and dropped to the floor, leaning against the couch and resting
his head against her knees. She snaked out a hand and ran her fingers
through his hair.

"I'm glad," he sighed. "You needed it."

Scully shifted to keep her legs from falling asleep and then sighed.

"I want to go back Monday."

He gave her a weary look. "Let's not start this tonight. I've had such a
rough day that I'm afraid I'd give in to my selfishness and let you."

"I need to work Mulder."

"Not tonight."

"Tomorrow?" she asked, watching as he turned his head to kiss his
daughter.

"Tomorrow."
~~~~

end
part four
adios
RM

~~~~~~~~~~
"In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see
your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven."
--Matthew 5:16
~~~~~~~~~~
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