From: crazy_holly@my-deja.com
Date: Sun, 10 Dec 2000 04:18:22 GMT
Subject: new fic- Righting My Wrongs, Scully POV

TITLE: Righting My Wrongs, Part 1 of 1
AUTHOR: Crazy_holly
RATING: PG
CATEGORY: eh...maybe light MSR, mostly friendship
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Anywhere, as long as these headers stay
attached, just LET ME KNOW!!
FEEDBACK: I'm not a new writer so to speak, but I'm a new fic writer.
It's taken me quite a while to get the nerve to post, so give nice
gentle feedback at crazy_holly@yahoo.com
SPOILERS: En Ami
SUMMARY: I was upset that Mulder was upset and that made Scully upset so
I tried to fix it, "I wanted him to just look at me with those beautiful
eyes so I would know it would be okay."
AUTHOR'S NOTES: um...since this is one of my first posts I don't really
have any notes...but thanks to all the fic writers who keep me loving M
& S even when Carter won't let em love each other.
DISCLAIMER: Of course I don't own Mulder and Scully or anything
pertaining to the X-Files.  If I did, they'd at least kissing by
now...ah-hem, *on screen*.  Fox and 1013 own these little toys.  I was
just real good this year so Santa said I could play with em for a while.

Righting My Wrongs

I don't know why I came back here. I know he wants me to leave.  But he
won't tell me that. He won't tell me anything because he's not talking
to me. He was silent in the car on the drive back from CGB's abandoned
office. I was too numb to speak. Before, when we'd all been in his
apartment, when I was still shaken and anxious about what might be on
*the disk*, I hadn't been able to speak either. And he had just stood
there in the doorway, biting his lip and avoiding my gaze. I knew he was
mad at me for lying. Hurt because I'd ditched him. Scared because he
thought I might not return safely.  I had just stared at him.  My eyes
were wet with tears I would never let fall. My heart beating so loudly I
know he heard it.  I was scared too; I needed him so badly. I wanted him
to just look at me with those beautiful eyes so I would know it would be
okay. But he stayed as far away as he could. He still is.
	He's sitting the edge of his couch, not looking at me. His face
is buried in his hands and I can almost hear him begging me to leave.
But I don't. I can't. I need to be here with him. I can't be alone now.
I feel so used and cheated and confused.  I just stand here, in the
middle of his den, looking helpless and feeling hopeless.  I keep trying
to gain control of myself. I keep trying to mutter an apology but
nothing happens.  I wonder if this is how he feels after ditching me. I
hope he feels this goddamned horrible about it. I let out a breath and
turn toward the door. But I don't go. I can't. Finally I let go of
myself and my mouth falls open,
	"Mulder, I..." but that's all I say. I can't say anymore. Silent
tears are spilling down my face and I instantly wipe them away. I take a
deep breath. I tell myself to be strong. But I can't be. Not now. I need
him to be strong for me-not to be upset with me. I can find no words so
I walk over to the couch. Minutes pass. He doesn't move. I just stand
over him, desperately trying to will him to look at me. I give into
weakness and I sort of half sink onto the couch, throwing my arms around
his neck and shoulders, burying my face into the back of his neck. I
know he is shocked by my actions. I am too.
	"Mulder, please...I'm so sorry...but I..." I manage to whisper
between sobs. I sink lower until my face is hidden from him, pressed
into his shoulder. I feel him move. His arms pull out from under my
grasp and I'm afraid he's leaving. In a panic, I clutch tighter to him
and a gasp escapes me. He stills for a moment, then his arms wrap around
me and he rests his chin on my head.
	"I'm not mad, Scully," he whispers.
 I am trembling slightly but I don't know why. I whisper to his chest,
"I tried to tell you...had to go..." it's all mumbled and confused but I
know that he knows the feeling.
His hand caresses my back. "I know you're strong, Scully, I know you can
take care of yourself, but...I was still scared.  I just...I just wanted
to be there...with you." His voice is bold and comforting. He pulls me
off of him and meets my gaze for the first time in hours.  His eyes are
peaceful, calm, and I can see that he isn't upset anymore. He
understands. He understands every inch of me.
"Want to tell me about it?" he asks. I know he wants to know. But I also
know he'll understand that I can't talk about it right now. He reads my
eyes and he nods "its okay...later then." and that is that.
I rest my head on his chest once more as he settles into a more
comfortable position. We are still for a time, each of us processing
thoughts and actions.
I lift my head up suddenly and my fingers touch his lips. "I will tell
you one thing though," I say.  Then I feel a small smile tug at me, "in
the car, with *him*, I kept thinking to myself...I wish...Mulder were
here."
His eyes light and his lips smile and I feel his hand tracing patterns
on my back.  And I know without any doubt that he still loves me. I tell
him with my eyes that I love him too. And then we are unbreakable,
unbeatable us again. I wrap myself around him, promising never to let
go. And we remain quiet, saying so much in the silence.