From: "Shannon" Date: Tue, 28 Mar 2000 19:04:28 -0500 Subject: NEW Rising Again (1/3) by RM Source: xff I, unfortunately, cannot take credit for this story. Please send feedback to RocketMan at lebontrager@iname.com. Thanks! Title: Rising Again (1/3) Author: RocketMan >lebontrager@iname.com< Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to CC, 1013, and Fox. No fringe is intended. SPOILERS::Written after Signs and Wonders--that's as far as it goes. NOTES:: MSR, alternate reality, somewhat strange =-=-=-= Rising Again =-=-=-= "Though they go mad they shall be sane, though they sink through the sea they shall rise again; though lovers be lost, love shall not, and death shall have no dominion." --Dylan Thomas =-=-=-= January 2000 =-=-=-= There was the scream of a high-pitched drill, she thought, and then the whiteness again. But it was different from all her other nightmares because this was real and they kept coming for her, always coming for her-- And it was just the phone. She leaned over even in her half asleep frantic panic and picked up the receiver, stating her name as if awaiting execution. "It's right here, Scully. It's right here." His voice over the phone was like a child's--high-pitched, eager, smart with sunshine and play and unreality. She wanted to caution him, but she didn't want to crush his hopes either. She wanted to say, be careful on the playground, the fifth graders are bullies. "Mulder, where are you?" she said instead and glanced to her clock. "Fort Dakota. Washington." "Washington State?" "Yeah." She sat up with a jerk in her bed, shivering at the sudden chill, and scrambled for clothes. He was still whispering to her like he had a slightly illegal secret and was going to tell her if she would only promise not to repeat it. "Mulder?" "It's here, Scully. I told you. I told you." "Mulder, I'm coming to get you, okay? Just get out of there, get out of that Fort and I'll find you." "Scully, it's right here. Proof of the tests. It's all right here." "Mulder, please, just get out. Right now." "No. It took me a lot of trouble to get in--" There was a breath of silence and she paused with him, waiting for whatever danger to pass. She could see him in her mind, hunched over and glancing around with his furtive darting eyes, searching for someone to stop him. He would be looking at proof or extremely close to it more likely--it would be just on the other side of the door and he would be caught before he could look. "Mulder?" she whispered, anxious at the delay, at the absolute silence. She was halfway dressed, trembling on the edge of her bed as she waited. "Mulder--" There was a scream. A deathly scream that curled her toes and hurt her heart. She stood even though there was nothing she could do from thousands of miles away holding on to a cellular phone. "Mulder?" she whimpered and closed her eyes, breathing loudly as if it could make up for the silence. There was that sharp bitter nothing and then the dial tone sounded in her ear like a death knell. She noticed that she was staring at a picture of them from a few years back, when the only thing that mattered was a tape with Navajo codetalkers' language and the merchandise and his father's death. She was shocked at how those complicated times were preferable to now, were looking idealistic and innocent compared with the terror of ennui that threatened them both. Was his jaunt to Washington an attempt to dispel that listlessness? She wished he would have just come over to annoy her for a day and then gone home to his videos and his silence. There was still that dial tone and then the annoying click from dead phone line to the operator, ready to remind her that Mulder was gone. She thumbed the power button and clutched her cellular to her chest, feeling shaken. Mulder. Gone. Scully shook her head and grabbed her jeans, pushing aside all thoughts, worries, questions. Whatever the reason for Mulder's expedition, she had to follow him. She had protected him then, those years ago when he was delirious and paranoid, and she would protect him now. =-=-=-= January 2005 =-=-=-= The little boy's eyes were wide with the story and he glanced at his mother, shivering. "All that?" She nodded and reached down to pull him into her lap. "All of that, Will." His dark hair and dark eyes reminded her of Mulder; in such a way that sometimes looking at his smile made her hurt. She had not really seen Mulder smile --not the way Will smiled. "I'm sorry Mommy." She hugged him tight and let him curl into her arms, his eyes closing with the sleep he needed but wouldn't give in to. "It's not your fault, Will. Not at all." He nodded and she smoothed his hair with her palm, letting the skin of his cheek warm her fingers. The winter night was cold with wind and the curse of snow, but she had placed blankets on the foot of her son's bed and the heater was humming quietly. She took Will's favorite one, an orange throw with dark black stitching, and tucked it tightly around him. "Sleep now, Will." "I don't want to sleep, Momma." "We had a deal. I told you about your father, now you have to sleep." He frowned furiously at her and she wanted to sigh with the image, with the pictures of Mulder blooming in her head despite the winter chill. It had been four years now, all that time. . . Scully shifted Will in her lap and he sighed and gave up the fight. "All right," he muttered and shoved his face into her arm. It took only moments for him to fall asleep; he'd been exhausted from the trip to the museum with the class and his nightmares kept him from sleeping well at night. She hated that the horror of those years still visited her son, still made such a deep and terrific mark upon him. Will was so frighteningly intelligent, with dark eyes that seemed to contain an old soul. She used to try to cuddle him, but he had soon stopped putting up with that. He needed his father. She couldn't do anything about that. =-=-=-= January 2000 =-=-=-= The flight was slow and anxious and besieged with turbulence; Scully hated the rockiness and she threw up twice in the thin tiny airplane bathrooms. It wasn't so much the fear of flying, wrecking, crashing, but the fear of not finding Mulder. That was enough to make her sick. It was strange though. She'd followed after Mulder sure that he was in worse conditions, dead or tortured, before and this hadn't happened. No air sickness earlier. She wondered if it was because she loved him so much more now. Love. . .maybe that wasn't the right connotation for it. Inseparable. Perhaps that was more correct. But that contained an element of obsession or dependence. She wasn't dependent on him at all. Need and dependence were different things. She thought. Scully sat back down in her seat and chewed furiously on another breath mint, the sting of cold heat on her tongue like a thrusting reminder of Mulder. Mulder disappeared, hurt, on some stupid fort where she couldn't get in contact with him. She had called Skinner first, asking about a case but really fishing for clues. Their boss had no idea and offered nothing; she said nothing in return but asked for few days off. He was already wondering about them, let him wonder. The plane jerked again and she clutched the sides, ready to rush for the bathroom again when the seatbelt light went on cheerily. She buried her head in her hands and forcibly swallowed back the rising urge. Swallow, swallow, what was wrong with her today? ~~ The ground was wet with a night rain and a morning dew, so predictable for Washington that she was surprised. Somehow she had expected the state to be unexpecting. But the fort was right there in front of her and it stood out like a prison with its barbed wire and no trespassing signs and soldiers. She drove past it and refused to look overlong. She glanced in the rearview mirror when she was far enough away, her tongue unconsciously touching her bottom lip. She idly wished Mulder was sitting in the front seat, making those salacious comments, and she almost smiled--then realized it was because Mulder *wasn't* here that she *was.* The road ribboned out and she turned into a diner, one of those thick concrete buildings with a hand painted mural on the white side, something with hot dogs and French fries and Slurpies. She wanted a corn dog, like a fetish almost, and parked the car in one of the three spaces available. She had to think about how she would do this. Mulder was stuck in there. Maybe the MP's had captured him and he was in a holding cell. Perhaps if she went up there and said she was looking for him. She nodded as the door swung open and a suited man walked out. Thinking the red head had nodded at him he winked back, giving her one of those grins that nearly reminded her of Mulder. Enough of a grin to make her sick again and she rushed inside, gulping in the tepid air and stale smelling corn chips. Corn chips and that chemical smell after Critter Ridders had come by the apartment. She wondered if their roach problem was very bad. The bathroom offered flies and a hand towel, which she medically abhorred, even the suggestion of such a dirt infested thing like a hand towel in a public bathroom. It was rather disgusting and seemed to indicate the whole of her trip out here. Instead of vomiting she splashed water on her face and dried her hands off on the edges of her suit jacket. It was one of the stiff black ones that set off the baby blue of her shirt. She hadn't realized it before, not until looking up from the sink with her face dripping cold water, that her shirt dipped low. Low. Mulder had never told her. She smiled. Mulder had never told her. She went back out to the main cafe part of the establishment, noting that it was also a gas station and also a convenience store. She saw a swarthy looking white woman standing behind the counter with her glare that said no one had better rob her. Scully didn't plan on it, that was for sure. She ordered a corndog and a Diet Coke, perhaps trying to make up for the fae, and wrapped two of the napkins around the sticked hotdog, wiping the grease off. She made a face, not believing herself, but ate it ravenously, forgetting until now that she hadn't eaten since dinner the night Mulder had called. She ordered a corndog to go and sipped at the rest of her Diet Coke, shaking the ice in the bottom as it sputtered. Frowning, she asked for a refill but they weren't free and she really wasn't sure she had the money for it. If she had to post bail for Mulder--you did have to post bail in a military installation, right? She couldn't remember, couldn't really pinpoint the last time they'd done this dance. But they had always called her before. Always. A phone call in the middle of the night and a harsh voice asking her if she knew one Agent Mulder. Those were the calls that frightened her to no end; she always assumed it was about his death. The car started quickly and she liked the hum and vibration of the engine, like a good machine and a faithful companion. Like power to get Mulder back. She would just drive into the fort, the base really, and ask them for Mulder. He had probably been held in the cell all night long. He'd hate that, for sure. He'd gripe at her all flight back. She was smiling now. She felt a flutter in her belly and pressed her lips tight together. Not again. =-=-=-= January 2005 =-=-=-= "Mommy?" Her whisper was small and frightened. Scully felt her heart squeeze at the girl's fear. "What is it, sweetie?" "I had a bad dream." Scully closed her eyes tightly but sat up to gather her daughter into the bed with her, the large empty bed that should have had her daughter's father in it, but didn't. The girl refused to cry but Scully could feel the shivers. "It's all right, sweetheart. It's perfectly all right. Sometimes it feels better to cry when you're frightened." The sobs seemed to burst from the tiny child's body, like the squeaky turn of a faucet, and suddenly the tears were free-flowing and flooding. Scully bit her bottom lip and rocked her daughter back and forth, praying two prayers as she did: God don't let Will wake up, God don't let my little girl be plagued by the horror, too. "Mommy, they just kept coming and coming, and Daddy was there--" "Shh-shh. It was a bad dream and they're not coming. Daddy made sure of that; Daddy took care of them for good. . .they'll never come, baby." "I want Daddy. . ." she wailed. Scully's heart broke and she could not help the little sob that tore through her lungs and leaped from her throat. She rocked back and forth and back and forth, not letting her little girl see her own fear, her own desperation. She remembered when the twins were two. Will with his dark solemn eyes and Katie's vibrant blue ones, the rough and tumble way they had of running through the place, their smiles and innocence. She remembered that look of knowing that had passed between them, twins but not. Katie had asked about Daddy, that day as a two year old. Her red hair was curly and tended towards brown more than the bright red of her own hair. She had asked and Scully had shaken her head, saying that her father would be back soon enough. "Daddy go bye and not come back." Those had been her crushing, all-to-true words. From the mouth of babes. . .it had taken Katie's confession to push the truth of it into her heart. Mulder wasn't coming back; he had bargained them away, chosen for them to be normal rather than the four of them together and tested on. She hadn't lied to them since that day, that bright sunshine day with the white bunny clouds and the park swings and them all laughing. She hadn't laughed after that and hadn't lied. She had told the story honestly, as best she could to two year olds. She had told them the story. They hadn't understood, and now, at four, they still didn't understand. But somehow. . .what had created them, the horror of that place, was trapped in them, so terribly imbedded and threaded through their DNA that it manifested in dreams, nightly things that had started when they were three. Scully hoped it wasn't because she refused to lie to them. . . She loved her twins, completely and without reservation. She had not known that kind of selfless love before, not even with the short moments with Mulder after that place. Will and Katie. . . "It's all right now, Katie. All right." She shivered in her mother's arms and looked up with her intense blue eyes. "Mommy. . .I want my Daddy." "I know, sweetheart. I do too." The admission did not have the devastating effect Scully had always assumed it would, it only allowed Katie to share in suffering, to reaffirm that her feelings were just and worthy. She nodded into her mother's arms and squeezed her tightly. "Can I sleep with you?" "Will's still in bed in your room. Are you sure you want to leave him?" "He'll be here," she said, honestly and peculiarly solemn. At times, Scully wondered at the connection between Will and Kate, at the way they knew each other so completely and without bounds. Kate was not making predictions but telling truth she knew, without hint of worry or speculation. Will would be coming. "When, Katie?" "Now." Her bedroom door slammed open and Will came running up, panting with the wildness in his eyes and in his heart. He stopped at the side of her bed, blinking with his mussed hair that was spiky and his round brown hands. He trembled there for a moment. "Same dream as your sister?" she said softly. He nodded. She didn't ask anymore how they knew. She accepted. Mulder would have been proud. "Crawl up here, then, Will. We'll all sleep together tonight." Will gave a sigh of relief and jumped into the bed, landing solidly on Scully's stomach and knocking the breath from her. "Sorry, Mommy," he said in a whisper, making an exaggerated grimace. She took in a deep breath and shook her head. "'S okay, this time Will. Don't jump again." He nodded with that soulful look of almost abject humility and guilt, a feature that was so very much his father that it made her smile--she could not refuse such a sad and lonely face. She grabbed him about the waist and tickled him mercilessly, watching Katie grin as she bounced on the bed. Will was shrieking and giggling when she finally grew too tired and Katie collapsed on top of them both, pushing her stubby fingers into her brother's sides. They proceded to tickle each other at that point and Scully was trapped beneath them, trying to keep her children from falling off the bed. After a few minutes of breathless giggles and Scully corraling them to the other side of the bed, the twins lay exhausted on the comforter, letting out spurts of giggles as they pushed at each other. Scully pulled down the covers and dragged them further up the bed to rest against the pillows. Their small bodies barely made a dent in the bed and she snuggled next to Katie, draping her arm over them both, stroking Will's arm with her fingertips. "Okay, time to sleep you two," she said softly and kissed Katie's cheek, then lifted up to kiss Will as well. "I love you Mommy," Will said softly. Scully bit down on a choke of tears and smiled. "I love you too, Willie." "Do you love me, too, Mommy?" "Of course my darling, Kate. Of course," she said, nosing into her cheek and blowing in her ear. Katie gave one last giggle then turned over to face her mother. "We don't dream so bad when we sleep with you, Mommy." "Oh. . .baby." Scully didn't know what to say to that, didn't know what was the right thing to decide for her kids, for Mulder's kids. For anyone. She wished again that Mulder was there, that she could talk to him about this, about their dreams and their nightmares and how they seemed to just know. Just know. She'd always heard that letting the kids sleep in the parent's bed was not a good thing to do, but if it kept away their nightmares, if it kept away her *own* nightmares, how bad could she screw this up? She needed Mulder. . . Katie patted her cheek and smiled softly. "Daddy will be back, Momma. Will and I know it." She smiled through her tears and wanted to believe her with all her heart. Her daughter. Her son. And yet. . .so different. =-=-=-= January 2000 =-=-=-= "Your name, ma'am?" Scully opened her badge wider and laid it on the young soldier's smooth hand, smiling just a bit but with that hard, cold as steel look in her eyes that said she would not be fooled or turned aside. "Agent Dana Scully with the FBI. I have reason to believe that my partner is being held on these premises. I just want to bail him out." "And the name of the detainee?" "Fox Mulder." The uninterested, careless man suddenly became the alert, sharp-eyed soldier--a change that Scully felt shock through her like lightning to a tree, burning away the hope and kindling the fear. She clutched her hands reflexively on the steering wheel and waited as the guard walked to his station and spoke into a CB. The look on the man's face when she'd said Mulder's name. . .that jerk from boring job to serious solider. . .it was flashing through her memory like a loop of film, over and over that utter confidence and grave seriousness. It couldn't be so serious. It shouldn't be. Mulder had never been hidden from her before, and he'd gone to bases like this plenty of times, calling her up and ranting about proof and aliens and how he could finally show the world. . . Why the sudden interest of this soldier, why Mulder's complete removal from the face of the earth? "I'm going to have to take your gun, Agent Scully." She nodded and carefully unsnapped her holster and placed it in his palm, trying to relax the shaking in her muscles. The boy-soldier nodded at her and placed it on the metal tray in his free hand, then waved ahead to the single paved road. "Ms. Scully, you'll find him in the third building from the right, down this lane here. Just keep driving straight when I lift the gate for you." She glanced up in surprise, then smiled in relief. "Thank you." He didn't smile with his eyes, and his face was still that portent of death-grim shade that made her shiver as she rolled the window up and waited for the gate to lift and the chain-linked fence to be rolled back. The car smoothed through both and pushed the way through the thick bushes growing alongside the fence. She was already stopping at the third building with its dark concrete and thick walls. It was large and dwarfed the first two little shacks that preceded it. Scully got out of the car and slammed her door shut, taking in the stillness of the air and the quiet of the thickly wooded hills. She licked her lips in the damp feel of tomorrow's coming rain and shoved her keys into her jacket pocket. The white structure rose three stories high and she could see three entrances to the basement area and double doors that a broken, weed-cracked sidewalk led to. She took a step forward and hesitated at the flagpole, waiting for the wash of fear to slide away. A man walked out of the building just then and proceded to escort her inside, his arm tight and muscled against her shoulder. She tried to walk farther away, but he was right at her instep, so close she began to feel trapped. As soon as the doors opened, she was led to a row of cells where she saw Mulder lying on the bunk. His face was turned away from her and one arm was thrown over his eyes. She smiled softly at the soft touches of sunlight spilling inside. Before she could react, her arm was grabbed roughly and the door was swung open and she was shoved inside. Inside. Locked with a clang of metal and death. She breathed in, her hands splayed on the floor and her knees now bruised. She looked up. "He'll be along shortly." Scully scooted over to Mulder and pressed her fingers to his pulse, her fear spiking as she found it thready and shallow, sometimes not even registering under her skin. Leaning over him, she could feel his in and out breath against her cheek and it gave her a small measure of comfort. "Mulder?" A moan sounded loud through the cell and she heard the clang of the second jail door, shutting again and locking them in further. She patted the sides of Mulder's face and looked out at the tiny cell, the concrete walls and the metal bars. She shivered as she smelled the smoke, the cigarette smoke like an acid rain corroding the place. ~~~ The room he led them to was dark and tinted with a purple red that reminded Scully of blood and warmth. Mulder was leaning heavily against her, his ankle sprained and swelling despite the Tylenol they had provided. CancerMan was not smiling and not talking to them in that cheerful and annoying manner he usually had; he had no cigarette between his lips in this place. Mulder refused to tell her what was going on, only that he understood now, and that she had to see things for herself, see to believe. She was clutching his arm and helping him as they walked into the warm dark room. There was a rounded, soft looking membrane positioned in the center of the small room. It was held up about three feet above the floor, insulated with a shimmer of pink tissue and something that looked rather wet. Softly the steady beat of a mechanical muffled drum sounded throughout the room, and the darkness seemed to throb with it. She stopped in the room and stared. Within that small membrane, about the size of her cupped hands was a baby. A growing moving human embryo. "What?" she whispered. Mulder turned to her with his brows knitted closely together, tightly together, his eyes darker than the warm red darkness surrounding them. "Your clone, Ms. Scully," CSM said with nonchalance. "My clone?" "And in the room next door, Agent Mulder's clone." "Why. . .what is this?" she said and turned so fiercely toward him that Mulder rocked on his heels. She reached out almost unconsciously for him, steadying his off balance with a hand. He gripped hers tightly and motioned her away from the old man. "Scully, speak softly, all right?" She glanced to the little fetus moving somewhat sluggishly in the tight mechanical placenta. "All right." "This is what I found. When I came. There are just two. . .there could be more of them in other places. But it was a set up from the first. He wanted me to come, to see this, and call you here too. Once I called, they were sure you would come." "Why do they want me?" Scully whispered, but couldn't help the harsh tones of her voice. "Because. . .because they're dying in there." She closed her eyes tightly, feeling the surrealism of the place overcome her. A hint of nausea came to haunt her again and she clapped a hand over her mouth. "The sickness, Agent Scully--" The older man began but Mulder held out a hand, silencing him. "I need to tell you this, Scully, otherwise I know you wouldn't believe it. They took you again, Scully. Recently. . .I don't know when--" "I know," she whispered tersely and looked to the tiny thing shifting in the warm amniotic fluid. "You know?" "Three months ago. I've been having some strange nightmares since then. . .and I've been sick." He nodded. "Me too. They took us both because we have the natural immunization against the black oil. I got it in Russia and you in Antarctica. They're desperate to make a race of humans that can survive this. Desperate enough to start the Project all over again." "Half of them are dead, aren't they?" Scully said. "Yes. They needed fresh DNA, resistent strains that can fight the alien invasion." "You believe this Mulder?" She looked at him intently, her eyes clearly indicating that she might be inclined to consider this if he was so thoroughly convinced. "I do, Scully. Because he's willing to give them to us." "Give what to us?" "The clones. . .our clones." "For what purpose? As evidence? No, Mulder. You can't do that. This baby is a person, with a soul, no matter if her DNA matches mine exactly. People don't realize it, but a twin is exactly the same as having a clone. Same exact DNA. But that doesn't mean that one twin isn't a real person." "I know that, Scully. But they're dying in there." "And what are we supposed to do about it?" His eyes lifted to hers with regret but a shining bright hope. His hands lifted from his sides and drifted to her stomach, resting against her shirt there. "They'll be safe here," he whispered and stroked his thumbs across her belly, his eyes wide and watching her reaction. "They'll live here." She jerked violently away from him, shaking and trembling all over with the suggestion, the sensuality of his assault. "CancerMan. . .he's trying to keep them alive -- no matter if he has control over them or not. He said that they'd leave the twins alone. Our twins, Scully, and like you said--they're human beings with souls." She put a shaky hand to her mouth and managed to keep back the stinging tears. The way he'd said 'twins' like they were her and Mulder's children instead of their clones, like he wanted a family with her. "They're. . .clones Mulder. Part of the Project--how can we ever. . .ever be certain they'll leave us alone?" He nodded softly, but would not look in her eyes. "Because. . .after two years, I'll come back here." "No!" He clapped his hand over her mouth and shook his head, eyebrows tight again. She pulled away from him, afraid how intoxicating his touch could be, especially in this dark warm room with its primal feel. "I can look for more, Scully. Look after the ones he's not letting us have. I feel obligated to the baby here, Scully. To the one like me, the one like you. But I know they'll be more than that, they'll have different experiences and hopefully. . .hopefully no stolen sisters." She blinked and tears cascaded down her cheeks, soft and swift. She rubbed her eyes and could not imagine letting Mulder go at all. "I can't. . .I won't have a family without you, Mulder," she said finally, discovering that honesty would be the only way to make him understand. "I'll only be here for awhile. Let them test me a bit, take samples of my DNA." "But that's just giving them more of a chance to use your DNA to make clones again." "No. The clones were a failure. They're going back to hybrids. They need the original sample so it will be awhile before they get it again, but they'll get it." "You mean the alien fetus?" He nodded and reached for her waist again. "Scully. . .I've been looking for a way to give you back what you've lost. . .being with me. And here's a way to let you. . .I don't know, Scully. It just seems that I couldn't possibly give this up. For the two years I'll have with them, and however long afterwards." She wouldn't look at him, afraid that his eyes would completely melt her courage and her resolve. She needed to think this out carefully, to do this for her own reasons, for the moral and right reasons. Two babies to be impregnated. . .Mulder for two years and the promise from a known liar that they would not be bothered. Mulder gone for however long. . .did she have the courage to wait? Suddenly, without any hint from him, she was being enveloped in his arms, soft and firm with the courage he was giving her, the love and support and understanding. "They took this from us, Scully. I want it back." She nodded and pushed her face into his shoulder, trying desperately to keep from breaking down. After a moment of breathlessness, she lifted her head. "All right." His face broke like the sun and his grin delighted her. "You'll do it?" "Yes. . .but I think you knew I would all along." He glanced to the side, then back at her. "I sort of hoped. . ." "But, Mulder?" "Yeah?" he asked cocking his head at her, still grinning. "For the two years. . .please don't change anything, okay? Because you know you'll be gone, don't quit the X-Files, don't change into a man that wants to be solid and grounded and conventional. I don't think I could stand it." He smirked at her and leaned in so close that his lips were brushing her cheek. "You're just afraid I won't tease you any longer. Well, think again, Scully. You're marrying me as soon as we can get out of here--and then I'll make good on all those hints." She gaped at him, then shook her head emphatically. "No way, Mulder. You don't have to marry me because--" "I don't have to do anything. I want to marry you, Scully. I want this to be our family, you understand?" "With our. . .our clones?" "Our twins, Scully. They'll really be our twins. In every manner." He darted in close and brushed his lips lightly over hers, brief and quick and shocking. She had no time to get used to the pressure of that mouth before it was gone again, but it sated a deep wellspring within her. "So she'll do it?" asked CancerMan, striding over to them. His voice was low and modulated and she suddenly felt sick at agreeing to this. There was no guarantee that he would leave them alone, and no guarantee that Mulder would be allowed to come back. He was sacrificing that for her, for the twins. She sighed softly and moved to the center of the room, touching the placenta very lightly with her fingertips. It was smooth and wet like water was running from it continually, and the baby shifted at her presence, moving to see maybe, or feel the vibrations of her feet walking in her womb-room. Her twin. Her baby now. "Yes. I'll do it." =-=-=-= end part one Title: Rising Again (2/3) Author: RocketMan >lebontrager@iname.com< =-=-=-= Rising Again =-=-=-= "Though they go mad they shall be sane, though they sink through the sea they shall rise again; though lovers be lost, love shall not, and death shall have no dominion." --Dylan Thomas =-=-=-= January 2005 =-=-=-= There were pictures of the twins all over the apartment, on the swings, taking their first steps, playing on the kitchen floor, in the bathtub. In their room, a framed photo of Mulder holding the twins was propped between their beds and they each had single pictures of them with Mulder. Scully didn't want them to forget; she didn't want herself to forget. Will's side of the room was decorated in spacescape, with the walls painted dark dusky blue and stars just beginning to color along the top, near the ceiling. He had model spaceships hung from the light fixture and posters of the planets, done in blues and greens and blacks. He adored the bedspread that Mulder had bought for him, even before the twins could sleep in regular beds. Katie's side was that same dusky blue, but she had posters of horses around her room and odd little photos tacked to the walls. Scully didn't know what all she put up on the walls; the collection had grown gradually. Scully remembered doing the same thing as a child, finding feathers or photos or bus tickets and pasting them up in her room. It was a collage of her four year old life and she always had this far away look in her eyes when she tacked up something new. But they never slept in their own room. They had nightmares and ran to sleep with her, snuggling in beside her for warmth. In the darkness of the night, Scully could almost feel Mulder in bed with them, his arms cradling one of his children, maybe cradling her. She remembered the look in his eyes as he held Katie for the first time, the teasing way he had played with Will, the smirk of his lips when he'd suggested their names. She could nearly feel him whispering into her cheek, rubbing the pads of his fingers across her velvet smooth and hard stomach, sighing against her back. He had pressed his nose to her neck and rocked her back and forth when she'd had her own nightmares, his lips calming her as his hands soothed her. In these dark moments when the clock on her bedside table was far removed, when the moon didn't shine in on her children, she could feel Mulder's promises crowding her, like he had always crowded her, close and special. His hands around her waist, his knee sliding through her legs, his promises of return. Promises. She turned in bed and curled around Katie, close enough to touch Will lying next to his sister, and closed her eyes against the memories. Her daughter was breathing slowly and deeply, and Will's eyes were fluttering with dreams, his body stiff with REM sleep. No nightmares yet, and she breathed a sigh of relief. They needed their father so badly. . . It had been three years and she was beginning to doubt he would ever come back. =-=-=-= January 2000 =-=-=-= The head surgeon--she was never allowed to ask his name--was proud of his equipment and his breakthrough procedures and told her more than she wanted to know. She was reluctant to listen, but some of the more horrifying information slipped past her defenses. When she had been taken for three months, her menstrual cycle had been mapped out, charted in case of further testing. A year ago they had taken her again, along with Mulder, and extracted DNA from her, to create the clones. So when the twins had started failing to thrive in their artificial wombs, they had taken her yet again, to confirm her cycle and prepare her for the tests, to even prepare her to receive the twins. They had been planning this for a long time and it sickened her to think about it. She called her mother to listen to a comforting voice and got the machine. Mulder tried to explain to her what they would be doing, but she refused to listen. If she didn't know what the surgery would be, then she could easily pretend it was natural, that it was something all wives or girlfriends or teens woke up with. Pregnant and with twins. Her twins, Mulder's twins. Because he said it was the right thing to do, Mulder married her in a church outside of town, with a pastor who had white wild-Einstein hair and a thin neck that bobbed when he spoke. The congregation came out to support them and witness the ceremony and even threw them a reception. Mulder led her down the aisle and kissed her before them all, hot and wet. She couldn't let go of his hand, despite the irrationality of the action. She called her mother from a public phone and the marriage, hasty and unthought as it was, gave Mrs. Scully a reason to celebrate. She congratulated them and told her son-in-law to take care of her daughter, and she talked for about an hour with her newly married child, remembering the good memories of her own marriage and forgetting the bad ones. Scully felt relaxed after the conversation and kissed Mulder when she stepped out of the booth, even though they were out of three dollars in quarters and dimes. He led her to the rental car and when they were strapped in and turning the engine, Mulder looked over at her. "You don't have to do this, Scully." She looked away from him and to the little church where they had just been married, mainly at Mulder's insistence, wanting to do right in all this mess. The twins would have a real, legal father and the official bond seemed to provide some kind of added incentive for Mulder to come back to her. "I know," she finally answered, and it wasn't just for him or the twins anymore. "We're free right now, Scully. Sure, they know where we are, but they wouldn't come after us. I could just get on the interstate and keep driving." "I know." He was waiting for some kind of decision, ultimate and immediate, that would take the responsibility of the thing off his shoulders. He knew the feelings of Atlas now and wished he had never hoisted this world on his back. It felt burdensome and uncomfortable; he was afraid it would fall. The road was a long flat nothing before them and he kept driving, always towards the base, waiting for her to tell him to turn around, take them back home. But she didn't and he kept driving. ~~~ "Promise me, Mulder," she whispered tightly. Scully lay prone on a metal table, and it was only different from her nightmares because the room was dark and warm and filled with men she had come to know. The head surgeon so proud of his procedures, Mulder with his fear and frustration and regret, the Smoking Man with his empty mouth and empty fingers. These clones must have been important, to make him stop smoking. "Anything, Scully," he said back and stroked her forehead softly. She felt sickened with the fear. "You have to stay with me, whatever happens." He glanced to the doctors then back to her. "But, Scully, they have to go--" "I don't want to know, please, I don't want to know. Just stay right here, Mulder." "I will, I will," he promised, nodding. She gripped his hand tightly; it was an unconscious thing now, to take his hand and hold it for dear life. "I have to account for every moment while I'm unconscious. . .every moment. I have to know they don't do anything. . ." He nodded. "I'll be right here. No matter what. I understand." She sighed but knew he did not understand at all. "It's just like the nightmares. . ." His hand was suddenly tight around hers and she realized that he knew, he understood now. His eyes slanted up to the dark warm redness of the room, then to the two artificial placentas placed alongside her. Moving the girl in the with the boy had been a difficult task, but she was the stronger and had survived the jostling without much reaction. Scully heard the noise of medical talk, of blood pressure and heartbeats and IV, and she felt the Versed drip through her veins like sweet candy-gas--all bubbling but slow like simmering water. She could see that the ceiling was getting further away and Mulder's face closer, and that should not have been right but it was. She slacked her grip without thinking and her head rolled sideways, surgery imminent and her still dozing off despite her tension. Even the Versed could not mask her fear and Mulder leaned forward and pressed his lips very firmly to her forehead. The pressure of his mouth on her skin was hard and heavy as a stone and she sank beneath the waves of lapping relaxation, drowning. =-=-=-= January 2005 =-=-=-= Mondays were the hardest for her, for the twins too. She had to get up at five so she could take a shower in peace, before they woke and bounded around with anxious energy. She dressed in the black pants and light blue shirt that characterized every day at the office, except maybe the shirt color changed slightly. Her jacket she left hanging so that Will couldn't spill milk or orange juice or ketchup on it. He had a knack for it. Katie wanted to wear a dress that morning and she picked out the dark purple jumper and white shirt with shrewd taste, pulling them on herself. Scully didn't dare let Will pick out his clothes, not when he had the tendency to wear black and orange sweatpants and a grey T-shirt. She forced him into black jeans with rolled cuffs to keep from dragging and his favorite grey T-shirt. He just wouldn't give that shirt up. He wanted to wear his thick brown boots and she agreed, but made him tie his own shoes. Scully did not realize that she was dressing Will in the same style Mulder had dressed, her actions were all unconscious and unthinking. Mornings were too wild and disorganized with Will and Katie running around to actually sit down and relax, contemplate things. When she picked them up from her mother's she would recognize the similarities then. Katie wanted to be carried from the apartment to the car, but Scully refused and she sat down hard in the hallway floor, pouting. Scully shrugged at her and said good-bye, moving down the hall with Will's hand carefully tucked in hers. The twin brother kept looking over his shoulder and making eyes at his sister, frightened that his mother really would leave her there on the floor. Katie bounded up right when the elevator threatened to close on them and raced for it, slipping inside and grabbing her mother's hand with a shaky breath. Neither said anything, but Scully had won. Katie crowded close to her mother's thighs and pressed her nose to the silk sharpness of her pants. In the car it was Will's turn to sit up front and he proudly buckled his seatbelt and puffed up his chest. Scully felt a pang looking at him, at how much he was Mulder, and turned around to make sure that Katie had buckled her seatbelt as well. The little girl was staring out the window at a couple with their dog; her mother felt the question coming but did not sense its content. "Do you love Daddy?" Scully sighed and put the car in reverse, looking over the seats to back out. "Yes." The answer was short and not filled with explanations, and she knew this was the best way to deal with the question. Katie was satisfied and didn't ask anything else, but Scully sensed a hesitation about her. "Anything wrong, sweetheart?" Katie looked up at her mother in the rearview mirror, then shrugged. "We have a parents day at school on Friday." Scully blinked and nodded. "Do you want me to come?" Will nodded and Katie just waited. "But you want your daddy to come too. . ." Scully finished and sighed again. "Do you think you could maybe call him, Mommy? Just call him for us. We don't even have to talk to him. . ." Will's plea was heartfelt and heartbreaking and Scully realized that they still did not understand anything. They thought it was that simple. Will's dark hair was combed back and slicked down in front to keep his bangs from flopping in his eyes, but they did anyway. He was looking at her from behind them and his lashes were long and soft like doe's and she wanted to close her eyes against them but didn't. "You know that if I could call him, I would baby. I don't know where Daddy is, and I don't have any way of getting in touch with him." "Gran said that Daddy was dead," Katie piped up. Scully felt her face turn red with anger, once again wishing she had not brought the twins to visit Mulder's mother. The woman didn't know a thing about watching out for a child's emotional vulnerabilities. "Gran lied." "What?" It was Will's outrage this time. "She doesn't like to hope, Will. It hurts her too much to accept that she might have to hope." "Why does it hurt her so much?" Katie asked. Scully frowned and zipped between two slow-moving cars and onto the interstate. The road curved away immediately and she got in the fast lane, ignoring the whirl of landscape and warehouses and buildings passing by. "Because she's afraid, Katie. At least, that's what I think. But I still have hope. I know your father's coming back and it doesn't hurt me." "How do you know for sure he is?" Will asked, pouting and not looking at his mother. "Because he told me so. Because he promised me." Katie leaned forward to say something, having unbuckled her seatbelt sometime during the conversation. Scully pushed her back and told her to fasten her safety belt again, scowling at her daughter. The girl clicked her seat belt back on and played with the beige bag that held her coloring books and crayons. Her dark red hair had soft blonde highlights that streaked in the front, and Scully was always amazed at the blueness in her eyes. She wondered if it was almost selfish to think her daughter was beautiful--her twin. The drive was silent for three miles and then the twins burst out with questions. They were almost five and things were starting to come together, things were making sense to them. Katie spoke first. "Mommy, could Daddy be dead?" "No." "Why not?" "Because I'd know." Katie seemed satisfied with this, although she wasn't entirely satiated on the issue; her mother always gave these confident but vague answers about her father and she wanted reality and truth, not confidence and hope. She wanted a picture of her father that wasn't flat and framed, but alive and running in her mind. Will struggled to see over the dash, noting that their car had slowed because of Monday morning traffic and wanting to see if there were policemen up ahead or maybe an ambulance. He wanted to be a doctor, like his mom, but not with dead people. Scully frequently wondered about this, but said nothing. She knew Mulder couldn't stand blood and wondered if that had come from genes or environment. Will didn't seem to mind it at all. "What's wrong, Kate?" She snapped her head up and saw that her mother had turned around while the car was stopped in traffic. Her hair was beautiful and falling around her face and she wished she looked more like her mother. "Did Daddy ever yell?" "Sometimes. Not often though--he was rather calm about things. . ." Even as she said this, Scully knew it wasn't the right thing to say, wasn't really Mulder. She wondered when she had wandered from the real Mulder to the idealization. "Actually, honey, he was very excited about everything. Everything. So sometimes he was fairly shouting about something, and the next he was talking very low and very. . .deadly. Do you know what I mean?" "No." "Well, he would get worked up about things. Become so involved in something that it was like I wasn't even there." "Oh. Like when Will is playing by himself and you call his name and he doesn't say anything?" "Exactly. Very much so." "I think Daddy is like Will and you're like me, Mommy." Scully paused and glanced quickly at her daughter, then creeped the car forward. Her mind was racing, her palms slick-sweating, and the steering wheel was tight in her grip. She'd never told them, didn't know how to tell them, didn't know if it was a good idea at five. "Why do you say that, honey?" "Because they're the boys and we're the girls." Scully smiled and nodded, relieved again. "Hey look!" Will shouted and pointed to the man being stretchered into an ambulance. Scully shivered and refused to watch, but her children were pressed to the window as they passed the accident. "It looks like Daddy," Katie said. Scully didn't pay any attention because Katie happened to say that about any stranger she met walking the street. She wanted her father so badly she saw him everywhere. Will didn't agree and sat back down in his seat, straightening the seatbelt again. "Kate, seatbelt." Her daughter sat down and clicked it back into place, frowning. =-=-=-= January 2000 =-=-=-= When she woke, it was Mulder and pain that greeted her. She could not focus on Mulder's smile of encouragement for all the fire burning in her and she groaned, loudly and without meaning to. A sudden seizure caused her to black out momentarily and then she was awake again, still with the pain and a more shaken Mulder. He was holding her head and afraid, but she squeezed his hand. The fire of pain was in her gut and between her legs like a burning bush had ignited and still burned, unconsumed and without pause. She felt the scratching branches of the bush-pain against her uterus and inside her, deep and thorny. She wanted to cut it out, but just closed her eyes to it and pressed her lips together. "We can give you some mild painkillers, Agent Scully--" "No." She shook her head and looked up at Mulder, telling him in determined eyes that there would be no more medication from them. They could not touch her anymore. Mulder refused the surgeon and he left, shaking his head. Mulder's hand stayed in hers. "Anything I can do, Scully?" "Get me out of here," she whispered and tried to sit up. He helped her and propped a pillow behind her back, letting her see the walls of the warm dark room and the empty containers where the twins had been. They were now in her. She looked over at Mulder. "I was here the whole time. They gave you some medication to keep your body from rejecting the twins, and then something to numb your heart while they threaded the umbilical cords. . .something like that anyway." He looked vague and greenish-tinted and she had to smile. "Did they cycle my blood through--" "Yeah. . .that was the most normal looking part. . .they just threaded it together. I don't even pretend to know what they were doing really." She nodded, she did not know either. "They said that they'd like you to rest here for three weeks, bedrest only." She opened her mouth to object but he shook his head and continued. "I told them no. We'll drive home from here and see how it goes. They're concerned that the babies will lose too much weight." "Lose weight?" she said, frowning. "They think they'll lose weight trying to adjust." "I'm not staying here any longer, Mulder. I just can't. I can't." He was nodding. "I didn't think so. I don't want to spend three weeks here either. The surgeon's going to give you pre-natal vitamins and--" She shook her head again. "I'm not taking anything they give me. I'll go to a doctor before we leave, a real doctor. I can get everything there." She was now sitting up fully, her legs dangling off the side of the metal table, her skin chilled by its cold press, but the tops of her thighs were warmed by the dark and humid room. The lights had been raised a notch, and were not quite as low-lit as before, but the babies were inside her now, they did not need the dark room. And Scully would not need this place either. She would do this on her own terms, with her own help and power. These were hers now, and not the Project's, not anyone's. "Scully. You'll. . .you're going to let me help you, right?" His eyes were drawn unnaturally together like he wanted to shake her out of a fit, but felt afraid. "Yes," she said softly and realized she had been ready to run away from everyone. "Good. Good. I want to help. . .it's not fair for you to have to do this alone. Not when I'm here." She nodded and held out her hands to him. "Then help me get out of here." "Can you walk?" There was still that burning fire in her gut, in between her legs worse than first time sex and she wanted to scream with it, wanted to bite down on something. "Perhaps not," she said and winced. "Then I'll get the car and carry you out." She was so relieved that he was not insistent that she stay. . .but this relief allowed her to feel the strain on her strength to keep her eyes open, to talk to him at all, to be sitting up when her belly felt it would rip open. "Maybe. . .maybe I should sleep for a bit," she said softly. When he nodded, she had the feeling that he had been playing on this weakness and had known all along how to manipulate her into staying for awhile. She was still too tired to care. =-=-=-= January 2005 =-=-=-= "Dana, honey, it's Mom. Where are you?" Her mother's voice sounded rushed and harried and Scully glanced at the flat brown Target store that was on the side of the interstate. "Sitting in traffic on the interstate. . .why?" "I can't take the kids today, or for awhile, Dana. I'm sorry--I just found out." Scully frowned in concern. "What's wrong, Mom?" "Oh. . .remember my telling you that Matt and Bill got the flu a few days ago?" "Yeah." "Well, it seems that Tara had it too, but she wouldn't let Bill know and she tried to take care of them and now she's in the hospital with pneumonia." "Oh no. . .is she going to be all right?" "The doctors aren't sure and Bill's making himself worse staying at her bedside and Matt. . ." "So you're going out to San Diego. Today?" "Yes. I'm so sorry, Dana. Bill just called. . ." "Don't worry Mom. The twins can come with me--" A loud cheer interrupted their conversation and Scully smiled at Will and Katie, ruffling her son's hair while he whooped. His slicked back bangs were already dry and his hair had a slight curl in it now; he didn't look so old when his hair was like that. "They're excited, I hear," her mother said. "Sure are. Wow." "I'll try not to take that personally. . ." Mrs. Scully teased. "Oh, you know they adore you, Mom. Thanks for everything. . .you know I couldn't do this without you." Mrs. Scully was stunned by her daughter's open admission and just gaped at the phone, trying to recover herself. "Well. . .I love them, I love you, Dana." "I love you too, Mom. Go see Bill and Matt and Tara. . .tell them all to get well for me." "I will." Will was tugging on her sleeve and she glanced over at him. "Oh, and Kate and Will say bye too." "Give them a hug for me." "Good-bye, Mom. Safe trip." "Have a good time with the kids at work. See you later." They hung up simultaneously--they'd always been able to do that, hang up at the same time as if the conversation had just dropped. She liked the familiarity it suggested. She wondered about how Mulder had developed his phone manners. "Maybe we'll see Daddy at your work, Mommy!" Scully frowned over at Katie and resigned herself to the week. It would be one of the rough ones, with the tough questions that couldn't be answered without hurting someone. "No, Katie. We won't. Daddy's far away." "But you said you don't know where Daddy is!" she said, yelling hotly now. "Katherine Elizabeth Mulder, do not yell at me," she said, calmly and without raising her voice. Katie pouted for a moment, then huffed back against the seat. "Sorry." It was mumbled and forced, but Scully accepted it and turned to see Will grinning at her. "What's with you?" she said and patted his knee. "It's funny to hear all of Katie's name like that." "What's funny about it?" "Well, she's not much of a Katherine, is she? She's a Katie. . .just like I'm not much of a William or a William Mason Mulder. Just a Will." "Well, you're very much a Mulder. . .just like your daddy." His eyes lit up fast and furious and so bright. "Really?" Scully smiled and nodded, but her eyes were on the road again and she was concentrating on getting off the south bound interstate and go northbound again. She managed to exit smoothly and then they were turning left and then left again. They were heading north to DC, to the FBI, to the X-Files and where it all started. Scully found it oddly appropriate that she would bring the twins here. "Katie, are you all right?" she asked again, worried still. She heard a sigh and glanced in the rear view mirror to her daughter again. "I have a huge Daddy-hole." Scully's eyebrows rose and she fought a smile. "A Daddy-hole?" "Yes. In my heart." Her words were so forlorn that Scully had to force herself not to cry. She chewed on her lip and sent up a prayer again for Mulder, as she had so often sent one up. Her daughter's dive into sorrow could make her feel so wrong at times. So very wrong. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm so sorry." "I just want it to fill up. Then maybe the nightmares wouldn't be so bad and everything would be okay." There was silence for a long time, Scully not knowing what to say to make her daughter feel better or less empty. It hurt to know there were things she just couldn't provide for the twins, and it made her sick to know that Mulder's absence was in their best interest, however harmful it seemed to be. Will touched her hand. "We're okay, Mommy. Katie's just being morose." Scully smiled sorrowfully at her son and squeezed his hand. "You're my best boy, William." They traveled a few miles and the silence in the car was gradually moving from heavy to at least okay again. "Kate, seatbelt," she said, without looking in her rearview mirror. There was a nervous giggle and she heard her daughter scrambling back up and into the seat. Scully didn't have to look anymore, or even hear the click of the belt coming undone--she remembered being four and sliding out of the seatbelt every chance she could get. So alike. They were all so alike. Missing a father. She knew that too. =-=-=-= January 2000 =-=-=-= An hour out of Washington they stopped at a free clinic, allowing Scully to see a doctor for the prenatal vitamins and any other instructions. They were sent to a curtained area and Scully was given a blue hospital gown and some shorts-like material. She put them on and Mulder set her clothes on a chair in the corner, preferring to stand next to her. The doctor slid through the curtain and walked over to Scully, who was on the little wheeled bed and tense against the sheets. The woman had greying black hair cut short and curly, with almond shaped dark eyes and pale skin. She was thick waisted and had extra pounds in her legs so that she seemed bottom heavy but nice, motherly. Scully guessed she was nearing her fifties and her hands were cold as they palpated her skin and lymph nodes. She told them it was likely she was pregnant. Scully knew that already but nodded as she ordered an ultrasound, to rule out abdominal bleeding or anything similar. They told her their insurance was messed up because they were government workers and that they'd pay for it with a check. When the ultrasound was wheeled in and the gel squeezed and rubbed on her stomach, cold and shocking, the picture came up. Like blue and black and white tornadoes on a television screen and Mulder peered over the doctor's shoulder, watching. "Yes, you are definitely pregnant, Mrs. Mulder." It took Scully a moment to remember that was the name they had used when filling out forms. She had forgotten and the reminder was sudden. "In fact, I see two babies here." She couldn't help the awed and delighted smile that flickered along her lips, and she looked up to see that Mulder was grinning too. It wasn't news, but it was good to hear and be confirmed. She almost felt surprised. The doctor printed out the picture and labeled the heads of the two babies so they could see. "One's a girl, that's for sure. The other is smaller and hiding behind the sister," the doctor said with a smile. She enjoyed cases like this, and really had needed some goodness in her day. Two gunshot wounds had come stumbling in earlier. Scully thought it was amusing that Mulder's twin was hiding behind her own, but she just smiled and let the nurse wipe the gel from her stomach with an alcohol swab. Then the doctor was making notes in her chart. "I'll get you prenate vitamins and some calcium tablets. Also iron and folic acid. . .so don't worry about supplementing them in your diet. Eat regular meals, drink milk. Don't stress. I know those are rather difficult commands, but it's important. No alcohol, cut back on caffeine, no drugs." Scully just smiled and clutched Mulder's hand reflexively; she could not keep the grin from her lips or her free hand from her stomach. It was real now, and somehow right. That she should carry the twins like this, on her own with Mulder standing beside her. =-=-= end part two Title: Rising Again (3/3) Author: RocketMan >lebontrager@iname.com< =-=-=-= Rising Again =-=-=-= "Though they go mad they shall be sane, though they sink through the sea they shall rise again; though lovers be lost, love shall not, and death shall have no dominion." --Dylan Thomas =-=-=-= January 2005 =-=-=-= The streets were just as busy as on the interstate, and she was stopped at every single light. When they hit the third red light, Scully glanced to Katie with a frustrated sigh. "What do we say, Katie?" she said. "Turn green!" Katie yelled explosively. Just as the car hit the light, it switched from red to green and Scully coasted through the intersection. "Good job, my lucky girl," Scully said, smiling brightly. Will leaned forward in his seat and peered at the tall buildings around them. Some were decorated in the pillars and columns of the tourist industry and some were the silent glass facades of the government. Museums and monuments and men walking to their work. "We can't get there too fast, Mommy," Will spoke up. "What?" "We can't get there too fast." "You're right, Will. There's no way we're getting there quickly." Scully took a left turn and was stopped at another light, despite the insistence of Katie's that the light turn green. After a minute of chanting 'turn green' by all three of them, the light changed and they were moving towards the Hoover building. "Mommy?" "Yeah, honey?" "What is that man doing?" She glanced quickly to the right and saw the homeless man shaking his hat at the passing government workers and businessmen. He had a thin face with sundark skin and his fingers were gnarled with arthritis. "He's homeless, and asking for money so he can eat, Katie." "Is that what Daddy is doing?" "No. Why do you think that?" "Because Daddy is homeless. He's not here." "Oh, Daddy's not homeless, sweetie. He's just gone away for work. I'm sure he has a place to stay wherever he is." "Why don't you know where he's working at?" "Well, I think he's in Washington, but they move him around a lot." "I think he's in Washington too." "You do?" Scully asked, smiling to herself and wishing she had the faith her little girl did. "Yes," Will chimed in. "He's definitely in Washington." "Well, all right then. Since you two know so well." They were quiet and watching the streets go by on the window outside. She wondered what was going on and why they seemed so turned in, so thoughtful. She had been joking around with them, trying to draw them out of their very quiet solemn selves. It was odd for Katie to be so speculative, but normal for Will. This was the first time she had ever been asked so many questions about Mulder, the first time she had found it difficult to answer their interest. Never had Katie asked her if she loved Mulder, and never had Will been so certain of the reality of his father. It was strange because Will was the one who doubted and Katie was the one who was intent on believing. They parked in the underground lot and Scully made them hold her hands while they walked from the car to the elevators. Katie tried to skip ahead and dragged her mother forward, but Will dragged his feet and pulled Scully in the other direction. "Will, keep walking, hon." The boy looked up at her and shook his head. "I don't want to go." Scully stopped in the middle of the lot, staring at him, then glanced to Katie, who was anxious to go inside. "What's going on, guys?" Katie went very still and looked to her brother, but would not meet her mother's eyes. Scully pulled them over to the side of the concrete enclosure so they would not be in the way of cars and squatted down next to them. "Are you two okay?" Will stuck out his lip and pushed into her arms, nearly knocking her over with the force of his hug. His little face burrowed into her neck and she rubbed his back, rocking him. Katie was leaning against another car, frowning at her brother. "What's the matter, baby?" Scully whispered. He didn't answer but clung to her neck for a moment. She stood up, taking him with her, cradling him against her chest and murmuring in his ear. Katie grabbed on to her jacket and they walked to the elevators. By the time the doors opened, Will was ready to get down and he slid to the floor with a sigh. Katie pushed the button for the lobby, where Scully had to sign them in with visitor passes and mark down the floor they were going to. She also thought she should call Skinner and explain why her twins were coming in to work today. She would maybe need someone to take care of them for an hour when she had an autopsy, but really, she was in the office all day. At the front desk the young man sitting behind it looked disapprovingly at Scully when she sat Will and Katie on the counter to sign them in. Scully ignored the look and let Katie play with the chain of the pen that was bolted to the desk. Will was soaking in everything with his very solemn eyes and she wondered for a panicked moment if he was going to cry. She pinned on the plastic Visitor ID to her kids and pulled them down from the counter, then around to the house phones that were set into the elevator bank. She was oblivious to the bustle of agents arriving at work and their stares as they looked at the twins. Will was clutching her suit jacket with one hand and watching Katie dash between the banks of elevators. "Sir?" "Agent Scully?" "I wanted to warn you." "What's wrong?" "Nothing, but I've got to bring the twins in with me." "Oh. . .Agent Scully. . ." "I know, Sir. It was last minute and my mother has to fly to San Diego--" "All right, all right, Agent Scully. Just don't let them wander around the other floors." Scully felt a bit affronted, but just murmured her thanks into the phone and grabbed Will's hand. "Katie, get over here." The active little girl skipped back to her mother and took her hand, then pushed the elevator call button. A group of agents had accumulated and were watching with amused smiles as Katie jumped on her toes and bounced in time with some tune in her head. Scully laid a hand on her dark red hair and stilled her movements, hoping to keep the girl under control. The elevator chimed open and they filed on. Scully pulled the kids in front of her and snaked her arms around them. It was mainly so that Katie wouldn't bump into other agents. Her daughter grabbed the handle of her briefcase and tugged. "Let me carry it, Mommy." Scully relinquished the bag and looped the strap over Katie's shoulder, smiling. Will nudged his sister and rolled his eyes. The five other agents on the elevator just smiled indulgently and continued to stare straight ahead. =-=-=-= January 2000 =-=-=-= The car trip from Washington State to Washington DC took seven days, with frequent stops and plenty of rest--both wanted to take it easy. Scully found that watching the scenery slip past the window was mesmerizing and induced sleep, so she blinded her eyes to it and tried to plan with Mulder. Plan--as if something like this could be planned and ordered and understood. They agreed to scale back the X-Files during their two years together so that when Scully was on her own and Mulder was gone, she could still keep the division open but not have to leave the twins very often. They weren't sure how that would happen best, but he hinted at a consultation position only, where they would simply fax reports and do autopsies and profile. She was somewhat depressed by the thought of having both Mulder gone and the X-Files reduced to an office job, but she held that back and rested a hand against her belly, considering. She could feel nothing, only soft skin and a tiny small scar where something had happened--she did not want to know. There was no small bulge, no twinges of movement, and these small things frightened her a little. Before deciding anything, she had thought out the entire idea logically. What would happen if they lived, how her relationship to Mulder would change, the moral or spiritual or physical implications of their birth. She had not once considered what would happen if the twins did not make it. She didn't want to think of it. She wanted to ask Mulder if he loved her, but she didn't and she couldn't. She knew that his love couldn't be a tangible or measurable thing. She wasn't even sure it was for her either. There was feeling and desire and devotion and a strong sense of right when it came to Mulder, but maybe that was love in a strange, upset sort of way. It was enough. It would be enough. They would only have two years. Her mother met them at the apartment to congratulate them, her smile like a sun that Scully needed desperately, needed that warmth and comfort. Those hugs and smiles and kisses and hopes were soft and strong things, and Scully wrapped herself in them tightly. Mulder did not leave, instead sacked out on her couch after bringing up their suitcases. Scully was trying to find the courage or the understanding to explain things to her mother; Mulder watched her moving in the kitchen with a pointed look. Mrs. Scully had already caught on that there was something more to this. "Mom?" Her mother nodded and sat next to Mulder on the couch, clutching her hands together but praying mentally for the best. "I. . .um. . .Well, I was. . ." She licked her lips and frowned, wondering about this. Her mother would know--her mother was crucial to making this all work out. She would need her mother's help to raise the twins and still be able to work and provide for them. "You know about Emily, Mom. . .well, something like that has happened again." "Oh no. . ." Mrs. Scully clapped a hand over her mouth and shook her head free of tears, sighing very softly at her daughter. "But they. . .they were growing these babies, Mom. Growing them in test tubes like science experiments and. . .it wasn't working. Mulder found them and I came after him and they offered to let me have the babies." Her mother's face was frowning in confusion, her mouth open to speak already, to question and have the answers perfectly revealed to her. "Babies?" "I took them, Mom. They're. . .they're in me." "Dana!" The shock was like a yelp from her lips and she half-stood, Scully thought to leave, but instead she moved to her daughter's side and hugged her fiercely. "You're pregnant, then?" "Yes. Two. . .a girl and a boy, but--" "No. No, Dana. That's a beautiful thing--no matter how it happens. You're going to have them, you're going to be able to do for them what you couldn't do for Emily." Scully nodded, but she was already feeling tears at the corner of her eyes. Mulder was watching her carefully, perched on the edge of the couch waiting for her to need him. She reached out her hand and he leaned over to clutch it, squeezing tightly even as her mother hugged her hard. "Imagine that, Dana. Twins. That will be difficult for you two. . ." "Mom, Mom, I have to tell you the rest. It's not going to be the two of us." The look of cold fury that flew from Mrs. Scully's eyes to Mulder's made the couple cringe and Scully tugged on her mother's hand. "It was part of the deal, Mom. Mulder has to go back in two years." "Go back? No. Why?" Mrs. Scully had sunk back to the couch, now looking at Mulder. He began to explain the rest of it. "They'll leave the twins alone, Mrs. Scully. If I go back for awhile, they'll leave Scully and the twins alone. They'll never ask a thing from us again. I just have to let them test on me, stay there and participate and it will be okay." "Will you be coming back?" "Yes." His voice carried such definite promise, such utter conviction, that Scully felt it impossible to believe that Mulder would ever be gone. "How long will it take?" Scully's eyes met Mulder's and they passed a moment in silence, communicating a certain knowledge of their fear. "We don't know," Scully said softly. "Why can't you just get away from these people, Dana? Why do you have to agree to this?" "Because it's all theirs. . .no. . .no, because they can do whatever they want to us--they've proved that time and again. If we want to be safe, truly beyond their reach, we have to deal with them." To her surprise, her mother leaned over and gave Mulder an all-encompassing hug, tight and with tears. He hugged her back and smiled over her shoulder at Scully, trying to wink but managing only a half-committed wince. Mrs. Scully straightened up again and leaned back against the couch. Seeing the shock still stealing across her mother's face, Scully didn't think she could tell her about the nature of the twins' DNA--perhaps at another time. When things weren't so charged with uncertainty. =-=-=-= January 2005 =-=-=-= The hallway was long and tight, and the twins lagged behind her, scuffing their feet on the tile with sighs. Scully had to turn around and tell them to hurry up more than once, but they just didn't seem as excited as before. Katie still struggled along with her briefcase, holding it by the handle with both hands and a grimace, the bag banging into her shins with each step. "Want me to take it, Kate?" "No. I got it. You'll need your hands free." Scully shrugged and stopped the little entourage so she could fish her keys out of the front flap. Will was antsy, dancing back and forth on his little feet as he glanced down the hallway. They still had to walk down the short flight of stairs and then take the thirty odd steps to the basement office. "Do you need to go to the bathroom, Will?" He glanced up at his mother, debating, then shook his head when Katie elbowed him. "You sure, sweetie?" "I'm sure. We have to get going." "Oh, honey. We're not in that much of a hurry. If you need to--" "I'm fine, Mommy." He sounded so exasperated that she had to hide a smile while she retrieved her keys. "All right. Here we are, let's go." Will's hand fumbled for hers and held to her fingers tightly, not dragging her back anymore but not entirely enthusiastic either. She didn't understand why he was being so solemn and so clingy this morning--he usually loved to explore new places and he had always begged her to take him to her work. Katie struggled along behind them and tripped a bit down the steps, falling into her mother, who caught her arm and pulled her upright. "Katie, let me take that while we go down the steps, and then you can have it back." The little girl looked peeved for a moment, but glanced down the rest of the steps and shrugged the briefcase off her shoulder and over to her mother. Scully grabbed it effortlessly and they trooped down the stairs, a twin on each arm holding tightly. There were no railings. Their hands slid down the sides of the staircase; Scully imagined she could see tiny palm prints left there. Katie skipped the last step and flashed a grin behind her, but Will was already jumping over the last two steps and he gave her a triumphant smile. Scully felt proud that Will had beat his sister; she always seemed to be outdoing him. She ruffled his hair and tugged on Katie's pony tail to give her back the briefcase. The girl accepted it with a grunt and moved off, striding forward with a purposeful glint in her eyes. Will was on her heels, pushing her faster with his fingertips at the small of her back as Scully followed them. She wondered what the rush was. They looked like little miniatures of her and Mulder. =-=-=-= January--March 2000 =-=-=-= Winter was cold in her apartment, but they agreed that it was better that she keep a place she knew well when Mulder would have to leave. So he moved in within a matter of days, his stuff scattered about the living room and bathroom and bedroom as he unpacked in spurts. Having him near her so much was like having the sea at her back, a gentle murmuring presence that caressed her when she came close. It was a powerful thing, having the ocean in him, and it seduced and mesmerized, but she always had the ability to step back to shore. To back away from those waves and to refute the tides, but it was a power that he seemed willing to allow her. They did not talk about much, only the X-Files and the getting ready. For two months, the twins steadily lost weight, no matter the days spent in bed and the rest and the vitamins and the nutritious meals and the worry. They were down to four ounces each when, suddenly, the baby girl gained a pound. Mulder took her to dinner and smiled at her over their meal like he was gazing into an eclipse and wanting to be blinded. A week later the baby boy had gained seven ounces. He was still small, but at least they were gaining weight. The flowers outside her apartment where blooming with bright purples and blues and pinks, and Mulder bought her lilies and sunflowers and daisies while the weather warmed. He liked watching her bend over to smell them, sniff at the petals with her closed eyes. The brilliant flush of her cheeks paired with the deep yellow of the daisies was like a perfect painting, and he smiled at her as she moved carefully around the apartment. There was a small roundness to her stomach, although it was not perfectly round at all, and it seemed lumpy and awkward to her. Mulder would occasionally place a hand to her belly, wanting to feel the babies kick, but they didn't move for him. She learned quickly that a pregnant woman's stomach was known as public property--everyone touched and smiled. She welcomed only Mulder's touch. He wanted to sit for hours with her, watching television or listening to music or reading aloud, and he directed parts of their conversation to the twins, smiling as Scully laughed at him. He was afraid that after two years, they would not know their father, and he wanted to imprint the sound of his voice upon their subconscious. Scully fell asleep a lot, mainly during that time on the couch, her mouth open and her entire body so slack and relaxed that Mulder did not dare move her, only stretched her out alongside him so that her back would be supported and her head cradled in the crook of his arm. The spring breezes cooled her flush of heat or passion or love, whatever it happened to be, and she would wake to him seducing her skin with touches. They made love while they could, and soon the X-Files and work were phasing out of their lives. He only had two years--the thought tainted everything. It touched the core of them when Scully was so completely satiated in him that she could not feel anything, and then she would know that she would not have this feeling in two years. It seeped into the conversation and hung on their skin like the pallor of death--she wanted to brush it away like cobwebs but it was elusive. At the end of March, Mulder picked out names for the babies--a gift from Scully to him, letting him have that honor. She wanted to say the twins' names and know that their father had wanted them, had carefully picked them out. "Katherine Elizabeth and William Mason." He sounded so firm and convinced. She smiled. "Our middle names?" "They're us, Scully. Not only us, but ours. I think I want you to have something of me in both of them. I don't want you to forget." She shook her head and fought the tears. "I couldn't possibly forget. I couldn't." "Please don't," he whispered, and that had been the last they talked of his leaving. It just stained too much to speak of it. =-=-=-= January 2005 =-=-=-= When they arrived at the door, she had to jiggle the lock to make it turn and then jiggle it again to retrieve her key. She pushed opened the door and moved inside, glancing down at Katie and Will as they were eagerly pushing forward. "Okay, twins, let's try not to mess up Mommy's filing-" Her heart stopped. Breath in the room was echoed back by the full presence of him. "Mulder?" She blinked and then she was being crushed against his body, hard and thin, and her lips were being sucked dry and her tears were falling gently like rain and grace against his cheeks. He was holding her so tightly that she didn't want to make the room to breathe and his kisses were bathing her face even as her tears washed them clean. He murmured her name over and over and over, a mantra against darkness, and she knew he had used that sound, the sound of her name, to pull him through three years of nothing. He was aroused against her and his fingers trembled on their journey through her hair and her eyes were shut against the glory of him. She wanted to collapse right down into him and never move. Drown in the mesmerizing, seducing ocean of him. She had been so long without the sea. A tiny hand against the back of her knee, and then a face being buried into her legs made her pause and breathe again. Mulder's lips pulled away for a moment and she whimpered at the space between them again, but buried her own head into Mulder's chest. "The twins," he whispered, and she did not know whether he was reminding her of them or asking about them or reminding himself why he had gone away for so long. She disentangled her aching body from him and reached around to grasp the arms that were tight around her legs. "Will, Kates, come here," she whispered, with such soft fondness that she was surprised even. Katie slipped around to stare up at her father, her eyes somewhere in the range of frightened and awed. She twisted her hands together and glanced back at her mother, then to Mulder again. "You're very very tall," she whispered. Mulder grinned and squatted down next to her, watching her eyes track his body as he moved beside her. "How's that, Katie Beth?" Her face glowed and she nodded very carefully, then stepped into his space, her hands planted on his knees as she looked at his face. She was paying great attention to the details of his face. "Are you staying?" "Yes. Forever." She relaxed and threw her arms around his neck, throwing Mulder off balance so that they tumbled to the floor. Will giggled behind Scully and moved around to see his sister and father better. He kept one hand tightly clutching his mother's jacket and peered intently on the laughter of the others. Scully bent down to his ear and whispered, "Are you okay, sweetie?" Will nodded and Mulder happened to glance up at them at that moment, and his eyes softened and grew gentle with tears and joy. The picture of Scully whispering to his son, her motherly hand on his head, nudging him forward-- "Come here, son," Mulder said, making sure to keep his voice proud but not commanding. Will moved over to where Mulder was holding Katie to him, and stood there, as if ready for inspection. Scully prayed his father would say the right thing, the thing that would keep Will from feeling stiff and formal around him. Some things made Will anxious. . .so much of Mulder in that mindset. "I'm proud of you, Will." That melted the ice of fear and the boy was burying himself into his father's chest, having an arm wrapped tightly around him and being pulled up next to his sister. Mulder stood up with both of them in his arms, shaky and weak as he was, and moved to sit in the office chair, behind his old desk. The twins sat on either knee. Scully came to sit on the desk, the joy so bursting in her heart that she couldn't help but lean over and hug them all, kissing Mulder's forehead firmly. "I missed you," she whispered into his ear and closed her eyes. He glanced up at her and cupped her face in his hands, shaking still. "I love you, Dana Scully." She grinned and blushed, realizing that they had never said it. They had never said it. "I told you Daddy was in Washington," Katie said loudly, rolling her eyes. Scully laughed at Mulder's blank, confused expression and nodded her head. "You sure did. You guys knew all along," she said. Will gave a proud look to his father and nodded. "We knew." Mulder seemed unable to comprehend Scully's easy acceptance, nor the twins unexplored and largely untapped abilities. Scully asked no questions, the twins had no answer, only sometimes these insights. "Mulder?" She grinned again at being able to say his name, and watched his head turn to face her, his eyes lighting again. She reached out and stroked her fingers over his cheek, then along his lips, sighing. "I love you too," she said and her face was filled with the slow flush of realization, of new love and old promises. =-=-=-= September 2000 =-=-=-= The twins were two weeks early and arrived into their parents' lives with quietness, a small cry of something like acceptance or relief, and the closed eyes of newborns. They squirmed in their bassinets and breathed softly in and out, murmuring when fed. Mulder's hand was the whole length of William, and Katherine was only a few lengths longer than that, with her thatch of blonde red hair and perfectly rounded cheeks. Will's face was long and thinner, with dark raven hair that had a streak of light brown near the front. Mulder brought his baby pictures from his mother's and they marveled over the similarities between them. Mrs. Scully walked Katie up and down the hall with her fits and then went home to prepare the apartment, put on fresh sheets for the cribs and collect the stuffed animals. The twins had a lot of attention, visitors ranging from Skinner to the Lone Gunmen to the secretaries in the front office that considered Mulder's being a father as something of a cosmic joke. The twins were in the hospital longer than the required 48 hours, on account of their early delivery, but Scully was released on a Friday. Mulder drove her home to sleep, then came back to the hospital to hold his babies. He whispered to them about the world and about love and Scully. He confessed things to them that he had not told their mother. Mrs. Scully drove her daughter back to the hospital when she woke to the empty apartment and left after seeing her to the nursery. It was done in pale blues and greens, with the light smiles of happy faces on teddy bears dancing around the room. The babies were put down for bed already, and Scully and Mulder stood in the dim light of the nursery, watching Katie turn over in her sleep, Will yawn as he rolled his head. Their tiny fingers were in fists and covered with their sleeves to keep them from scratching themselves. They had on blue and pink and they seemed to be sleeping facing each other. Mulder's hands moved from the glass window and snaked around her waist, fingers soft on her skin as she sighed. "How beautiful," she whispered. Mulder laid his chin on top of hers and kissed her hair. "I will be back, Scully. I promise you. I promise the twins." =-=-=-= end adios RM