From: "Clarice Starling" Date: Tue, 24 Apr 2001 20:58:19 -0500 Subject: Rituals by Clarice Starling Source: direct Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters so don't sue me, but seeing as the Fox execs haven't been properly utilizing their own resources, I've decided to take matters into my own hands. I also ripped off a couple of lines from the American President, but a little plagiarism never hurt anyone. Category: MSR Summary: Sometimes it's all about the rituals Spoilers: up through season 7; pretends season 8 never happened (I wish!) Feedback: yes, please! clarice_m_starling@hotmail.com Rating: PG Archiving: If you really want to, ask and ye shall be given an answer (probably yes) Rituals 5:11 pm Basement Office of the J. Edgar Hoover Building Dana Scully sat at her desk, staring at her computer screen and unsuccessfully attempting to finish her latest field report. Her eyes wandered across the dim basement office and lighted on her partner. His brow was knit in concentration as he bent over some papers which Scully could only postulate were the subject of his latest obsession. Either that or it was the Adult Video News. She sighed, blowing a strand of red-gold hair away from her face, and returned to her task. "Hey, Scully, did you know that the day JFK was shot there were thirty-seven reported UFO sightings nationwide?" Still attempting to focus on her work, Scully forced a dry, "No, Mulder, that's fascinating." "Say what you will, but I don't think that's a coincidence." Now she looked at him, his wry smirk giving away his playful intentions. Scully decided to indulge him and curved her eyebrow at him. She was rewarded with a full-fledged, lopsided grin. It was a game they played. He would try his hardest to make her swing at pitches in the dirt, and she would try her hardest not to appear amused. Fighting the urge to smile back, she feigned diligence. "Mulder, Skinner's going to want this report ASAP. I really ought to finish it today." "It's 5:16 on a Friday afternoon. Don't you have a life, Agent Scully?" This time Scully gave in and allowed herself to return the smile, remembering the last time he'd used that line on her during the Jersey Devil fiasco. Except for Ed Jerse, that had been the only time she had dated in six years. Two dates in six years. Not a great record. Seeing her thoughtfulness, Mulder softened. "Hey, I'm kidding." "No, I know. It's just...I was just thinking that I really don't. This," she indicated the office with a sweep of her hand and landed on Mulder, "is my life." Mulder wearily rubbed his face in his hands. "This conversation is starting to sound hauntingly like another one we had a couple of years ago concerning a desk. I am sorry--I am so sorry for all the things you have had to go through because of me and the X-Files--" "No, Mulder, I'm not blaming you or the X-Files. This is my life because I chose it to be. When I said that this was my life, I meant for it to be an answer to your comment that I don't have one." She stepped away from her desk and paced the length of the office. "I'm here because I want to be. I want to be a part of this and I want to be with you." Her eyes brimmed with tears and she stopped herself there. She hadn't meant to say quite so much, but she just didn't understand Mulder's self-depreciating behavior. It was as though he couldn't accept that anyone would ever want to be with him. Six years together and he still doubted her loyalty. Mulder rose from his chair and walked towards her. "I know that, Scully, but I want you to have a life. I want you to have a life with all the things that they took from you. But I can't give them to you and I'm sorry." He reached to embrace her but she whirled around. "Goddamnit Mulder, stop treating me like a child. You've lost just as much as I have, but you never let yourself be comforted. Don't you get it? I want to be here. Even if I thought that if I left you now I could get back all the things I lost, I don't think I could. You say you trust only me, but here you are acting as though I'm about to fly away the first chance I get. I'm not going anywhere. I know that you can't just accept anything, I know that you have to question everything. But after six years of following you to the ends of the Earth and beyond, I wish you would accept my devotion to you. And it's not because it's my job as your partner or because I feel obligated. It's because I love you, Mulder." Now she allowed the tears to fall, and Mulder crushed her in his embrace. He tucked her head under his chin, just like he always did when he hugged her. She pressed her cheek to his chest and let herself be comforted by his arms. "I know, Scully. I do. And I do love you too. I'm just--I don't...after all the things you have gone through--some on account of my own stubbornness--I feel like I don't deserve to be loved." She pulled away and started to stay something, but his finger stopped her lips. "But you love me anyway. And that fact alone lets me know that you would never leave me." He hugged her to him again, then held her head in both his hands and kissed her forehead, allowing his lips to linger. He held her for as long as she would let him, before she broke their embrace and stepped away, wiping the wetness from each cheek with her thumbs. She straightened her skirt and jacket and took a deep breath, regaining her composure and tucking her hair behind her ears. "Thank you, Mulder. I needed that." She paused. "I think we both did." He smiled assent as she went about gathering up her things, and he decided to do the same. He opened the door for her and she preceded him out of the office, pausing to wait as he turned off the lights and locked the door. He guided her gently toward the elevator with his knuckles resting lightly against the small of her back. They rode in silence, comfortable silence that they only felt with each other. The chime of the elevator indicated their level, and they exited into the garage. They had long ago made a habit of parking next to or near each other, often disregarding the bureau policy of reserved parking; but then, bureau policy had never really caught on with them. Scully rooted through her purse and found her keys. "Good night, Mulder," she called over her shoulder as she reached to unlock her door. His voice stopped her. "Scully." "What?" "Good night." He smiled and walked to his own car. She stared after him. In two words he had managed to convey everything he felt: devotion, adoration, loyalty, love. It always amazed her how he could do that. She could always feel so much passion, so much emotion coming from him; he could never hide it, or maybe he just didn't bother trying. She tried harder to mask her feelings, but after six years even her strongest walls could be leveled by Mulder. Maybe that was why neither of them had seemed shocked or surprised at their confessions earlier. They had already known. So why had it made her heart flutter? **************** 9:42 pm Dana Scully's Apartment Scully leaned her head against the porcelain side of her antique bathtub and exhaled in ecstasy. It had been a long week, and it felt good to relax. She also wanted to think more about what had happened between her and Mulder today. For six years their feelings had gone unspoken but understood. So, logically, nothing should change from a verbal expression. Logically. Mulder was her best friend, and she trusted him implicitly. But she loved him like no other. Not Jack, not any of the other men that had been a part of her life. Unlike those fleeting romances, Scully knew with an undoubted conviction that she would always love Mulder. Perhaps a physical relationship would never ensue, but he was her soul mate. Physical intimacy was almost an afterthought compared to all that she and Mulder had been through. It wasn't as if she didn't find him attractive. She did. But she had always felt that consummating their love would ruin their partnership, and she assumed he felt the same. Today something had changed. They had openly declared what was obvious yet unspoken. Instead of making them more wary toward their closeness, it seemed to bring them even closer. Would a physical relationship do the same? Shaking her head, she dismissed the thought. Neither of them would want to take the chance or make the move. But he had. More than once. She was reminded of a hallway outside Mulder's apartment and a hospital lobby with a small television. Had he just been panicked that she might leave the X-Files? Was it just a meaningless, spur-of-the-moment event? And there were other points. His constant barrage of innuendoes and playful leering. Was he waiting to see if she would take the bait? For six years? Now that's patience. So what if he was trying to tell her something? What then, Dana? Was he expecting her to make the next move? If she was wrong, it could ruin their relationship. The problem was not knowing. Why, after all these confusing and contradicting situations, why hadn't they had more conversations like the one this afternoon? Were they afraid of what might be said? Scully gave a resigned sigh, rose from the tub and slipped into a robe, yanking the tie tight. She'd had enough analyzing for one night, but she'd at least come to a decision. If Mulder just wanted to beat around the bush for another six years, it was fine by her. Until he decided to tell her what the hell was going on in that head of his, or in his heart for that matter, there would be no moves made on her part. **************************** 10:13 pm Fox Mulder's Apartment Mulder sat on his living room couch flipping through the channels. TV was therapeutic for him, and he could already feel the tension in his muscles wearing away as he found an old B-grade sci-fi movie called From Hell It Came. Scully was probably at this moment also relaxing in her own favorite way, a bubble bath. God, he was doing it again. Always thinking about her. He'd been almost giddy as her drove home from work after their confessions. The realization that he was loved unconditionally was a feeling Fox Mulder didn't get to enjoy very often. It had been a good conversation. One step closer to where he wanted to be. With Scully. He knew that he could never be with anyone else. And she knew it too. So why weren't they together right now? Because he'd never said any of those things to her. But he knew he had to. Today proved it. All he had to do was say it. Right, no problem. 'Scully, I am madly in love with you and I want to be with you day and night.' Sure, sounds good. I'll have no qualms about telling my best friend these things. Not only would it be difficult to say, but what if she didn't feel the things he had long ago assumed she did? And the kiss? She could easily dismiss it as a declaration of platonic love. She might have no clue about his feelings. No, this would not be easy. It would be damn near impossible. So what to do, what to do? Tonight he decided that the best thing to do was to go to bed and banish any and all thoughts of Scully. Perfect, gorgeous, enigmatic Scully. His Scully. This was going to be a long night. ********************* 7:17 am Basement Mulder sat at his desk waiting for her to walk in. He had been there since 6:30 trying to figure out exactly how he was going to tell her what he had to tell her even though she knew and he knew and she knew that he knew and vice versa. It was a decidedly convoluted situation. At precisely 8:01 Dana Scully entered the office with a characteristically less than exuberant expression on her pretty face. She headed straight for the coffee pot, poured herself a generous cup, and downed half the mug. Mulder sat sheepishly watching her and waiting to hear what had happened to her this time. "You want to know what I hate?" she inquired. "Yes." He meant it. "I hate people who pull in behind ambulances and follow them through traffic. This morning there was a huge pileup at Dupont Circle because of some idiot that ran into the median, and an ambulance comes along after which some damn greedy person pulls behind. As if the rest of us have nowhere to go. Honestly!" She gulped the rest of her coffee and poured herself another cup. He couldn't help but smile at her. He loved the way her face scrunched up when she got angry. He loved how her fingers tapped on her coffee mug. He loved that she used the coffee mug he had given her for her birthday that said 'You're #1' on it. He loved the way her eyes pierced into his consciousness when she was waiting for an answer. Wait a minute.... "Sorry, what did you say?" "What's so funny?" "Nothing." "Then why are you gazing at me with that silly grin on your face?" She began to look herself up and down, checking to make sure that everything was in place. It was. "I wasn't gazing." "OK." She gave him a quizzical look and crossed to her 'area' as Mulder liked to refer to it. She'd finished her field report over the weekend, so she busied herself by sorting through the papers on her makeshift desk. Throughout the day she caught him staring at her several times. That fact in and of itself was not altogether surprising, but he was acting strangely. Maybe he had thought about their conversation too. Who was she kidding? Of course he had thought about their conversation. He was Mulder. Obsessive, Spooky, Sexy Mulder. Whoa there. Had she just used the word "sexy" to describe Mulder? She checked her watch. 4:48. "I think I'm going to duck out of here early, Mulder. I'm supposed to cook dinner for my mom tonight and I have no idea what to fix. I'll catch up tomorrow." "No problem. There's not really much left here. In fact I'll walk you out myself." No, no, no. This was not good. This was not what she needed. Half her conscience wanted her to walk away, but the stronger, Scullyesque half wanted her to stay. Was this how it was going to be? When she felt a niggle of physical attraction or, god forbid, romantic inclination, was she just going to ignore it? If Mulder were any other man physical attraction would be a good thing. Why couldn't it be good with Mulder? For crying out loud, she hadn't been with a man in years. If she couldn't see herself with anyone other than Mulder, then wasn't physical intimacy the logical next step? Mulder grabbed his jacket and they went about their after work rituals: the guiding hand, the comfortable silence. Only this time, as she was getting into her car he began a new ritual. "Scully?" "Uh-huh." "I love you." She was surprised, but at the same time she wasn't. They'd been saying "I love you" with their actions for years, and they'd finally put it into words on Friday. She was pleased that it hadn't been a one-time confession. She easily found her answer. "I love you too, Mulder." ******************** The ritual continued for the next month in the same manner. Soon it became 'Love you' or a simple mouthing of the words, but it was a sacred moment of the day they each found themselves looking forward to. Perhaps it was the reassurance or simply the need to be acknowledged by another human being, but it was comforting and soothing. Soon other rituals began to arise. A goodbye hug was instated, and at times they even held hands on the elevator or in the garage. To a passerby they would appear as two lovers infatuated with one another, but in each other's eyes they were successfully maintaining the semblance of a platonic relationship. Until a final ritual broke the barrier. ******************** 5:39 pm J. Edgar Hoover Building Garage "I just don't understand why you have to mouth off to him every chance you get! He's not even our supervisor anymore. He has nothing to do with us!" Scully was incensed by Mulder's rash behavior during an incident with A.D. Kersh. "But he still works for THEM. What I don't understand is how you can sit there in a meeting with him, knowing what he is and who he works for, without saying anything." "That's not the point, Mulder. You just have to learn when enough is enough. Do you really think that what you said today will accomplish anything other than an order for a reprimand?" She stopped walking and turned to face him, taking both his hands in hers. "I love you. I love everything about you: your passion, your intensity, that fire that burns inside you. But I don't want you to waste your life, your career, by getting all hot and bothered every time some hypocrite pisses you off. You need to find yourself a poker face, Mulder." He laughed. "Yeah, I know all about poker faces. I wear one every day." Oops. Way to go, tiger, you scared her. He hadn't meant to verbally acknowledge the double entente, but he saw by her expression that she understood. "I do too." She squeezed his hands and released them slowly from her grasp. Mouthing the words "I love you," she settled into her car. He came up to her door and rested his forearms on the window. "I love you too." His face was inches from hers. She wanted so desperately to close that gap and kiss him, but she had promised herself she wouldn't make the move. He lingered there for a moment, then stepped away and patted the top of her car. "Bye." Dana scolded herself for not at least saying something to Mulder about the last month. She wanted him to know how much it meant to her that they were becoming so much closer. But he did know. So why did she have to say it? She knew Mulder wanted to be with her and she knew she wanted the same, so why had she insisted that he voice that desire before she would act on it? Was is because neither of them would believe it or admit it until it was spoken? She stared into the murky downpour that was beginning to frustrate her flailing wipers. So absorbed in her thoughts was she that she didn't even notice a car following her until she was a block from her apartment. Her FBI instincts kicked in and she automatically pulled into a busy shopping center. Only then did she realize that her pursuer was none other than Fox Mulder. She quickly parked and stepped out into the rain, a worried look set upon her features as Mulder followed her example. "Mulder! What is it? What's wrong?" She squinted at him through the rain as he too stepped under its endrenching embrace. "I--uh--needed to tell you something." "Okayyy." Scully cocked her eyebrow and waited. "Well, you know how, I mean we've been, ah, a little closer lately and...I wanted to tell you, I mean I think you know, but--" "Mulder, I hate to interrupt, but did you mean for this conversation to take place in the driving rain?" "No, that was just an added bonus." "I see. Well why don't you say whatever it is that you're so desperately trying not to say so that both of us can avoid ruining our suits." She cringed as she felt her immaculate white Oxford shirt beginning to soak through. Of all the days to wear her favorite lacy bra. Her self-conscious thoughts were interrupted by Mulder clearing his throat. "Fair enough. Here goes. Lately I've been telling you that I love you, but that wasn't what I really meant." Scully looked crushed by his words, but her disappointment quickly turned to anger. "Then why the hell didn't you say something before?" She scoffed in his direction and crossed her arms. What an idiot she'd been! He'd just been humoring her to spare her feelings. She dropped her head to break eye contact, causing several dripping locks of her hair to fall in her eyes. "No! Oh, no, no, that's not what I mean at all!" He took her face in both hands, forcing her to look at him as he brushed the hair from her face. "I haven't been meaning to say 'I love you.' What I should have said was that I'm *in love* with you." He held his breath and waited. Scully's eyebrows shot up and she stepped back. Had he finally said it? "I'm sorry, could you repeat that last part?" "I'm in love with you." As he saw her face contort in anger, he braced himself for the worst: rejection, perhaps a left hook, or an outright bitch-slap. "Well goddamnit, it's about time! I thought I was going to have to start leaving anonymous tips in your email. You certainly know how to bide your time. Honestly, Mulder, sometimes you are so infuriating! I've been agonizing over this for weeks and here you were just too scared to say anything." "f you felt that way then why didn't you say anything? It scared you too, didn't it? I've been in love with you for years. I just didn't know it. Neither did you. But I did know that I couldn't see myself with anyone else, ever. Something kept me from saying anything, though. I needed to know for sure, and you did that for me the day that you told me you loved me. It took six years of hints much more obvious than those in cases I solve every day for me to figure it out, but I finally did." Scully couldn't hold back a full-fledged, ear-to-ear grin. "I couldn't have put it better myself. Well, maybe I could, but you did a pretty good job." Her smile faded as she thought of something else. "Mulder, before anything else happens maybe we should spend a minute or two discussing the professional ramifications of all of this. I want to be with you more than I've wanted anything else in my life, but we can't let the status of our relationship affect our job performance. And I'm sure Skinner wouldn't condone partner involvement, not even for us. You know, studies of coworkers personally involved with each other indicate that--" She fell silent as she felt his strong hand grab her waist and pull her towards him. He cradled her face in his hands and stroked her chin with his thumbs. "Do you think this is a good idea?" She looked up at him imploringly, her uncertainty betraying her in her eyes. "Probably not." He swooped in and rested his forehead against hers. "But I guess we'll find out." He grazed his lips against hers, causing them to part before he pulled away briefly to lick his own. Then his mouth slid over hers, slowly and gently. She responded by throwing her hands behind his neck and threading her fingers through his wet hair. He deepened the kiss, sliding his arms arounds her back and locking her in his embrace. Her mouth surged back against his, demanding more. She suckled his lower lip, eliciting a small moan before he decided to make this kiss one of the French variety. He had just begun to caress her tongue with his own when Scully pulled away abruptly, depriving his swollen lips of their companion. "What's wrong?" She blushed and futilely attempted to straighten her soaked shirt. "I just realized how very public this parking lot is." Mulder looked up to see the gawks and stares of passerbys. Mulder cleared his throat and looked sheepish. "Maybe we'd better continue this conversation in a more private arena." "Yes, I think that would be advisable. My place?" He nodded. "Sorry about your suit, Scully." "Yours too. That's okay. If you're lucky, you won't be needing it for much longer." She smirked seductively in his direction. 'Dana Katherine Scully! What would your mother say?" "She'd probably say that it's about time." -The End- Author's note: This is my first attempt at fanfic so PLEASE send any and all feedback to clarice_m_starling@hotmail.com Thanks to Big Mel for reading this and giving me an honest opinion