From: "Carolyn H." Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2000 21:20:26 -0800 Subject: The Road Not Taken Source: direct REPOST: The Road Not Taken Author: Carolyn H. Category: MSR, Angst Spoilers: Not much. Scully had cancer. Rating: PG-13 Archival: Yes please... but first: Leia1284@hotmail.com Disclaimer: Everything pertaining to the X-Files belongs to Chris Carter, 1013, and FOX. No infringement intended. Author's Notes: After fic. MAJOR CHANGES from the 1st post. The Road Not Taken Part (1/2) March 19, 2004 Scully Residence Greenwich, CT They had chosen to leave the road not taken. Fox Mulder rang the doorbell on the white house. He would see Dana Scully again, for the first time in four years. A man answered. Time stood still. Two men stared at each other. "I'm Fox Mulder. Is Scu...Dana home?" "I'm afraid she went out. Would you like me to leave her a message?" "No. Thank you." Mulder turned to leave. "Are you sure Mister? I don't live here. I'd be happy to leave her a message." Mulder looked at the man. "OK. Tell her Fox Mulder from the FBI stopped by. But tell her not to go look for me. Tell her that I'm leaving tonight to go back to DC, but I'll call her sometime tomorrow. Thank you Mr...." "Scully. Charles Scully. I'm Dana's brother. I'm in Connecticut for about a week and Dana let me stay here. I will do so Mr. Mulder. Good afternoon." "Thank you. Take care." Relief washed over Mulder. It was selfish of him, but he couldn't help it. Dana Scully had not married all those years. He opened the driver's door to his rental car and sat down. 'How many years?' he thought. 'How many heartaches? How many wishes? How many unsent Christmas cards? How many undialed phone calls?' He drove out of the driveway of Scully's house and then thought back to years ago. They had been so close to the truth. May 11, 2000 Georgetown Memorial Hospital Washington DC "I'm sorry Fox. I know you love her as much as I do, but there is nothing that medical science can do. Its out of their reach. She has to go. " Maggie Scully's voice shook as she looked at the tormented man before her. Few loved her daughter with the intensity and passion as that man did, and it was clear through her motherly eyes. But there was nothing Maggie could do to assuage his pain. No more than she could cure her daughter. "Let me see her." was all Mulder said, before he went by her and entered Scully's hospital room. It was deja vu. He had been here before, at Scully's bed when she was dying and he was helpless. He couldn't do anything then, and he couldn't do anything now. The feeling of utter helplessness tore him apart, but he could do nothing. "Mulder." came her voice. "Mulder, you're here." "Of course I came, Scully. I came to see you, and when you get better..." Scully had cut him off there. "I'm not going to get better, Mulder. This times, no metal chip in my neck is going to help. No chemotherapy is going to make the cancer go away. Every time you lose remission, the chance of getting better goes down dramatically. There will be no magic to make the cancer cells go away. Its incurable." "Don't say that Scully. You've always fight the fight and win. You can't give up hope just yet." Scully acted as though she did not hear his words. "I'm glad you came Mulder, because I have things to say. I've made mistakes in my life. I'm human. I have human feelings, human qualities. I will go with so much left unsaid, but it would be the biggest mistake if I left without saying this to you." She paused to catch her breath and then continued softly, in broken sentences. "I love you Mulder. But I couldn't tell you. It's not right for us to be in love. Had things been different, if we had met on the streets, I would have let myself love you. I would love you like any woman loves a man- with my whole heart and not a drop less. But we didn't meet that way. It wasn't in God's plan for us to be together. That's why I've denied it over and over. But the truth is not meant to be hidden. So I'm telling you Mulder. Why do you think that the only kiss we have ever shared was hidden deep behind pretense? In your hallway Mulder, four years ago. If things had been different, if I wasn't leaving you, it wouldn't have happened would it? " "Scully..." "Listen me out for once. I know Mulder. I know that you love the hell out of me. I know that you would do anything you can to get me out of this bed right now. I know that if I didn't pass out that day, you would have taken me to your bed. I know, Mulder. And I wanted it just as bad as you. But we have both put our line of work in front of each other, in front of our own lives. Why am I here? Do I want to be here? I've had a good long look at death more than once and I know what its like. I'm not afraid Mulder, but that doesn't make me want to be here any less. I just wish things had been different. That we could have met on different terms. Then we wouldn't have to leave that road not taken." "Scully. It doesn't have to be that way for us." "Yes it does Mulder. Forbidden love. Its risky with an exciting allure to it. But all the same, its not allowed. I want you to know Mulder. I love you, but I can't. " "I'm tired Mulder. Talk to me. Let me hear your voice when I go." March 19, 2004 Mulder slammed his car door shut. That was the only time he had ever heard her talk that way. She had told him everything he had longed to hear. If only things had been different. Not different like she said, but if she told him when she wasn't dying. He would have made things work out. But there had been no time for all the unspoken words to be spoken. End Part 1 The Road Not Taken Carolyn H. Part (2/2) June 3, 2000 Mulder's Apartment Washington DC Dana Scully walked to Apartment 42. Just two weeks ago, she had been sure that she would never see the inside of Mulder's apartment again. It was nothing short of a miracle that she had survived her cancer the second time around. But she had not lapsed into a coma. Instead she had gotten better. It was nothing that medicine could explain. Scully believed that her journey back to health was guided solely by the strength of Mulder's beliefs and her loved one's prayers. There was no explanation. No medical procedure. Scully knocked and then closed her eyes briefly. A hand took her arm and she whipped back to see who it was. Blue met with hazel. "Welcome back, Scully." "Its great to be back, Mulder." "I missed you." "Yeah." The unspoken words lingered in the air between them causing tension that neither could breark. Scully sat down on the sofa that was a make-shift bed to Mulder. Finally Mulder spoke. "I almost lost you again." Scully smiled and touched his arm. "You'll never lose me, Mulder." "I almost did. Twice" Scully's heart filled with sorrow and affection for this man and she moved closer to him, putting her arms around his neck. "But I came back. I came back to you Mulder." "I know, but it still scares me, to almost lose you twice in one lifetime. Not counting all the endless times you've been at someone elses' gunpoint. It scares me Scully. I love you and I never want that to happen to you again." It was out in the open. She has professed her love in a desperate moment when she thought she would die. And Mulder had... he had told her what she wanted to hear the most- but was most frightened of. What would become of their partnership? their work? their lives? She had heard what she thought she would never hear. All thoughts left her mind. She looked at him silently for a few seconds and then she was kissing him. The next sequence of things became a blur to her. Neither had meant it to happen the way it did. But in the drunken heat of the night, in their newly confessed love, they went further than each had intended. It was two willing souls that met, two lonely hearts searching for companionship, two bodies entertwined. But it was not meant to be. June 4, 2000 Scully woke up in Mulder's arms crying. It was not supposed to have happened that way. She knew that she had dreamed of that moment for years. Longed for his touch. She knew that it was two consenting souls in his bed last night. And she did not regret a second of it. She was not just a doctor, and an FBI agent. He had made a woman out of her. She cried because she knew that she could never have it again. Everything she had desperately wispered to him in the hospital came back to her. "If things had been different..." "We can't let this happen. Its forbidden love..." She wanted everything to work out OK. She wanted him to hold her and tell her what she meant to him. But she knew that they would never be the same. In the eyes of her collegues. And in the eyes of her superiors. She had come painfully short of their expectations. Quitely, she pulled herself apart from his arms and put her clothes on. Then silently with tears streaming down her face, she left his apartment, never to return. March 19, 2004 Greenwich, CT It had taken four years for Mulder to get here. For years of searching. It had happened that his mother lived in the same town. And during one of his rare visits, he had caught a glimpse of red weaving through a crowd. He had called out her name, but she didn't hear. He lost her. "You'll never lose me, Mulder" Her voice came clear into his head. 'But I did, didn't I?' Mulder had surprised Skinner by asking for two days of vacation. Skinner didn't question him, and let him go. But he needed to return to work tomorrow morning. He stepped into the chilly New England air. There was still two hours before he had to head back to the city to catch his flight back to DC. He had two hours to walk around the beautiful town and think. He had missed Scully this visit- but he knew that he would try again. Try until he was sure that he would never lose her again. Deep in his thought he did not notice that he passed a petite redhead. But she noticed. Her face looked as if she spotted a ghost. 'How many years Mulder? How many years has it been?' she thought. "Mulder." "Scully?" he whirled around and his eyes searched the people until he saw her. Standing there in the middle of the street in a green sweater, blue jeans, and those four inch heels. Her hair was longer, like earlier in the partnership but a darker red. No longer as full of life as when she left. Her eyes were the bright, blue that he remembered, and that haunted him in his dreams. She was still the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Still the Dana Scully he remembered and still loved. Scully looked at Mulder and had to stop himself from crying. He stood there, tall and lanky, wearing a dark suit and light winter coat. His hair was still like she remembered, the countless times she had brushed her hand through them. His eyes were sad and happy at the same time. Feelings that even his shock couldn't mask. The same Mulder she knew. "Hello Mulder." she said softly and smiled. "Hello Scully." he repied after a few momements. "You're here. You came... to find me. I'm glad." Mulder smiled faintly, warily. He had thought that when she left she left for good. Never wanted to see him again. "Its cold out here. Why don't we go to the cafe to talk?" "I thought you never wanted to talk to me again. After that night in my apartment. I thought you wanted to leave because of what happened. I thought you didn't want us. I thought you spoke those words to me during desperate moments. I thought you regretted them, so you left. What changed?" "A lot has changed, Mulder. By being alone, I had more space and time to reexamine what happened. In so many ways, I was wrong. I put what I feared ahead of what I wanted- what you wanted. That day in the hospital, I was sure I was going to die. And I wanted you to know how I felt. It was a miracle that I survived. But I killed our relationship didn't I? Not a day goes by when I don't ask myself why. Why did I leave you? Why did I put my line of work in front of us. The last thought that I had when I left you was that my superiors would be so disappointed in me if they found out. But now, now I ask myself, if I was right. We had a forbidden love. But I should have just said to the hell with rules. But I said to the hell with the love. We both loved each other. Responsible adults. I don't know why. I wish we could just start over that day. Even to that day in the hospital. I wish I could have just told you that I loved you and left all that shit out. But you have to understand Mulder, that at that time it was the truth for me. The reason why I didn't act sooner was because I was afraid. And if I died, I wanted you to know. But I didn't die. I could have acted on it then, but I was still afraid. I left because I led my pride and fear take over me." She looked at Mulder. "I'm not afraid any more." "I came here looking for you Scully, so we could sort out our feelings. I knew that when you left, you had unspoken words left to say. You left for some reason, and I want to know why." "I still love you Scully. If you would give me another chance, I think I can make it work this time around." "I hoped for four years that you would say that. I still love you Mulder. Not a day has gone by when I didn't miss you and wish that I could turn back time. I made a mistake, I prayed that you would take me back." "I will never lose you Scully. Again." "Promise Mulder." Then she moved closer to him, and their lips came together as if for the first time, and all the same spark was there. The kiss they shared made up for four years of yearning hidden with the promises yet to come. The End. Author's Notes: I promised that I would not write fanfic because of finals and SATs... but did I listen to myself? Noooo. So I shall offically retreat back to my mousehole and not come back out except to reply to feedbacks which should be sent to Leia1284@hotmail.com This is a reposted version. The first version sucked. I had Scully become pregnant and uh.. just not possible. So I re did my fanfic. This version is a lot better! It makes me happier. Now only if I didn't get a 1945.45% error on my chemistry calcuations... Visit my web site: The Shipper's Academy at http://shippers.cjb.net This and other fanfics can be found on my site.