From: "Jon Seibel" Date: Sat, 13 May 2000 23:29:01 -0700 Subject: "The Rock Files" by jstv127 Source: direct Title: The Rock Files Author: JSTV127 Date: April 16, 2000 Categories: CH, XF/WWF crossover Rating: maybe PG-13, maybe R; it's got a few bad words and some sexual references Spoilers: none Archive: anywhere Summary: Mulder & Scully question the People's Champion about a hit-and-run. Disclaimer: The characters of Mulder and Scully are owned by Chris Carter/Fox Television/1013 Productions/whatever and operated by David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson respectively. The character of The Rock is owned by WWFE Inc. and operated by Dwayne Johnson. The idea for this story is owned by some annoying little voice in my head, who is operating me in order to get it out. Normally I prefer taking some heavy-duty meds to keep it quiet, but I gotta work tomorrow, so... Background: On Nov. 14, 1999, during the World Wrestling Federation program "Sunday Night Heat" just prior to the Survivor Series Pay-Per-View, wrestler "Stone Cold" Steve Austin was the victim of a hit-and-run in the parking garage of the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit, MI. He was immediately rushed to a local medical facility and was unable to take part in the triple-threat match for the WWF title scheduled for later that evening. Reality check: This was all part of an angle created by the WWF to explain Austin's absence at the PPV. A stunt double replaced the real Austin in the actual hit-and-run scene. Austin was unable to take part in the match due to a recurring neck injury for which he needed surgery; thus, this scene took place as a way of writing him out of the storyline. Whaddaya mean ya didn't know wrestling was scripted?!? Anyway, I know this isn't exactly X-File material here pholx, but just go along with it, OK? Feedback is appreciated, but don't bother telling me how much this sucks since I'm already ashamed enough of this thing. The Rock Files November 14, 1999 6:48 PM CST backstage area, Joe Louis Arena Detroit, MI [FBI Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully approach WWF wrestler The Rock, showing him their ID's.] Mulder: Mr. Johnson, I'm Special Agent Fox Mulder, and this is Special Agent Dana Scully. We'd like to ask you some- [The Rock puts his hand up in Mulder's face and cocks his head to the side. A chant of "Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!" is heard from the crowd in the arena.] Rock: Finally...The Rock...HAS COME BACK...TO DEE- TROIT! [Crowd cheers.] Scully: Um, Mr. Johnson, we'd like to ask you some questions regarding the hit-and-run incident this evening involving a Mr. Steven Williams, also known as "Stone Cold Steve Austin." Were you in the arena at the time of the incident? [The Rock glares at her through his sunglasses.] Rock: What was your name again honey? Scully: I'm Special Age- Rock: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!!! [Crowd roars. The Rock turns to Mulder.] Rock: And you...you said your name was Fox? Mulder: Yes, that's correct. Rock: You look more like a damned aardvark with that nose, jabroni. Your nose is almost as big and ugly as Triple H's. [Crowd roars.] Rock: Now it sounds to The Rock as if you're accusing The Rock of running down The Rattlesnake. Is The Rock right? Scully: Snakes? Mulder, nothing was reported to us about snakes. Mulder: Mr. Johnson, we're not accu- Rock: Dammit, don't you know who you're talking to?!? You're talking to The Rock, The Brahma Bull, The Great One, The People's......Champion. [Crowd cheers. The Rock turns to Scully.] Rock: Honey, you like pancakes? Scully: Hm? Uh, well, yes. Rock: Well, then pancake your ass on outta here. [Crowd roars.] Mulder (testily): Sir, I don't appreciate you speaking to my partner that way. Rock: "Partner," huh? Y'know what they say about the size of a man's nose, jabroni, but I guess you're the exception, am I right honey? [Crowd roars.] Scully: Mr. Johnson, not that's it's any of your business, but we are strictly professional partners, nothing more. Rock (to Mulder): Oh my God jabroni, y'mean you're not doing her?!? What the hell is wrong with you?!? Maybe you're a little cumsee-cumsah?!? Maybe you don't like......POONTANG PIE?!? [Crowd roars.] Rock: Maybe The Rock needs to introduce you to The Godfather so you can take a ride on the......HO TRAIN! [Crowd roars. Mulder pulls out a pair of handcuffs.] Mulder (losing patience): Mr. Johnson, if you don't cooperate with us, we'll have to place you under arrest and take- Rock: Look jabroni...later tonight, The Rock...will be...in a triple-threat match...for the World Wrestling Federation...championship. And right now, The People here in Detroit...ROCK City... [Crowd cheers.] Rock:...along with the millions... Crowd: AND MILLIONS!!! Rock:...of Rock's fans, all chanting The Rock's name... Crowd: ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! Rock: ...are waiting, with bated breath, to see The Great One layeth the smacketh down on Triple H's candy ass! [Crowd cheers.] Rock: Now jabroni, The Rock knows what you can do with your little pair of handcuffs there. [Crowd roars.] Rock: The Rock says you...are gonna take...that pair of handcuffs... Rock & Crowd (in unison)...shine them up real good... Rock:...and then you...will take...that pair of handcuffs...and you will...hand them over to...The Rock. And...The Rock...will take that pair of handcuffs... Rock & Crowd:...turn that sumbitch sideways...AND STICK 'EM STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!!! [Crowd roars deafeningly. The Rock tips his head back.] Rock & Crowd: IF YA SMEEELLLLLLLL......WHAT THE ROCK...... [The Rock lowers his head and gives Mulder and Scully the People's Eyebrow. Crowd cheers. The Rock tips his head back again.] Rock & Crowd:...is cookin'. [Crowd cheers. The Rock turns on his heel and walks away from them.] Scully: Mulder, what the hell was he talking about? I don't smell anything. Mulder: That's funny...I think I smell pie... END