Date: 10 Jan 1999 18:40:22 GMT
Subject: NEW!!! Rocky Road 1/6 by O3P Badfic chain ( NC-17)

TITLE: "ROCKY ROAD"

SPOILERS: "Fight the Future"
STORY: Mulder and Scully encounter a diabolical detour on the way to sorting
out their relationship.
CATEGORY: MSR, BadFic, Humor
RATING: Segment, mild R; Story, NC-17
FEEDBACK:  Oh Yeah you bet! love to hear some.  Send it along to:
PlentyOHok@aol.com
COMMENT: " Rocky Road"  is a Badfic written by the members of O3P
Over 30 Philes

******************************

(1/6) by PlentyOHok

MULDER'S APARTMENT
11:15 PM


Mulder sprang upright on the sofa.

He knew immediately--from the pounding of his heart deep within his chest, from
the slippery feel of his sweaty palms, from the way the ringing sound had
interrupted his dream of nuzzling a buxom copper-haired librarian who, for some
reason, had looked a lot like his partner Scully--that something was wrong.

It was the phone next to his sofa. There was nothing wrong with the phone, but
the fact that it was ringing loudly at this hour--11:15 PM--told him
immediately that something was wrong.

He fumbled for the receiver, picking up the TV remote control by accident
because, in his mind, his face was still buried deep in the cleavage of the
librarian so he couldn't see very well. But on the second try he picked up the
receiver.

"Mulder," he said into the receiver in a voice still scratchy from sleep.

"Mulder, it's me," replied Scully on the other end of the phone on which she
was talking, wherever she was.

"Scully, where are you?" Mulder asked.

"I'm down here at Akbar's All-Nite Market," she said. "Mulder, we need to
talk."

"What's wrong?" he asked, a note of concern in his still-scratchy-from-sleep
voice.

"Not on the phone, Mulder," Scully said. "I'm coming over."

Mulder looked around at his messy apartment and his hungry fish and was glad
Scully was used to seeing his place like this because if she was just around
the corner at Akbar's, he wouldn't have time to clean up anything.

"Okay Scully, if it can't wait until work tomorrow then come on over."

"It can't wait, Mulder," Scully said with an edge of tension in her voice.
"It's already waited too long."

"Okay, I'll see you in a few minutes." Mulder said and started to hang up, but
then he had another thought. "Hey Scully, are you bringing ice cream?"

"Yes, Mulder," she said tensely. "Just like I always do."

Mulder smiled tenderly at her, despite the tension in her voice and even though
she couldn't see him. Maybe, in fact, because she couldn't see him. It was as
if they'd known each other for many years instead of just the five years that
they'd been partners. *She knows me so well.*

"See you in a few minutes, Scully," he said, and this time he really did hang
up.

*Geeze, she sounds tense.* He racked his brain. *Did I do something to piss her
off?* But he couldn't think of a thing. Then he looked down and realized he was
wearing only boxer shorts and a plain white t-shirt, which stretched pleasingly
over his lean taut chest. Maybe he should put on a pair of jeans. She was used
to seeing him practically naked, but not right after the kind of dream he'd
been having, and he was pretty sure that the buxom copper-haired librarian
would pop right back into his mind as soon as Scully walked through the door.

By the time he took a leak and pulled on a pair of jeans, Scully was knocking
on the door. 

"Come on in," he called out, working to button the last fly button because he
hated jeans with zippers.

Scully turned her key in the lock and stepped inside. Mulder looked up at her.
*God she's beautiful.* She was half-turned away from him, pushing the door
closed with her hip, purse in one hand and a folded-over brown grocery sack in
the other, her windblown hair as lustrous and coppery as a brand new shiny
penny. *And she looks exactly like that librarian.* Mulder quickly dropped his
eyes back to his fly button. *I've got to stop thinking those thoughts or I'll
never get these pants buttoned,* he chided himself. *Besides, we're partners,
nothing more.*

************************

Scully turned from closing Mulder's front door to find him standing across the
room, fiddling with something at his crotch. Scully tried to see what his hands
were doing. *I shouldn't look,* she told herself, *after all, we're just
partners, nothing more.* That last thought sent a stabbing pain shooting
straight to her heart. This was, after all, what she'd come to talk to him
about. Just being partners.

When Mulder looked up after a few seconds, she saw that he hadn't been fiddling
with anything more than a button on his jeans. He cracked an embarrased grin.
"That last one's always a bitch."

Scully smiled weakly, unable to think of a clever remark because she was so
nervous about the conversation ahead, and about the fact that she and Mulder
had just been staring at his crotch together.

"Let me take that, Scully," Mulder said, quickly closing the space between them
with one arm outstretched. She handed him the grocery sack and he headed off
towards the kitchen with it, calling back, "So, what's so important it can't
wait till tomorrow?

Scully didn't answer right away, entranced as always by Mulder walking in
jeans, the way the well-worn denim hugged his ass, stretching and folding
perfectly to maintain its perfect fit over his flexing gluteus maximi. After a
minute, she remembered that Mulder had asked her a question. Why was she there?
She walked towards the kitchen, not wanting to start her "just partners" speech
off by shouting.

Suddenly, Mulder let out a hoot. "Scully, you shouldn't have!"

"What are you talking about, Mulder?" she hurried her pace, wondering just what
the hell he was talking about. "I shouldn't have bought Rocky Road ice cream
like I always do?"

"Ohhhh no..." Mulder said, and as Scully rounded the corner into the kitchen
she found him staring down into the grocery sack she'd just handed him. "You're
not squirming out of this one by playing innocent, Scully."

"What?" she asked, reaching for the bag, but he jerked it out of reach,
grinning a wicked grin. 

" `What?' " You have to ask `what'?" he asked. Then he reached into the bag and
pulled out two items she'd never seen before in her life, at least not to pick
up at Akbar's All-Nite Market when she was shopping for ice cream to bring over
to Mulder's. "A box of HoHo's...and a three-pack of condoms...You devil-woman
you!"

"What the--how in the--Mulder, I never--" Scully sputtered.

Mulder turned his mouth down into a mock frown. "I'm disappointed, Scully. Only
a three-pack?"

"Give me that!" Scully said, grabbing the bag roughly from Mulder's hand and
then scooping up the Ho-Ho's and condoms and dumping them back into the bag. "I
did not, I repeat NOT, buy these. I bought Rocky Road ice cream and a pack of
sugarless gum." She added as an afterthought, "I thought that bag should've
been colder."

"You really didn't buy those?" Mulder asked, a real frown replacing the mock
one and his eyes losing their hint of desire that had begun to glow there.
Scully could practically hear the air hissing out of his joy bubble.

"I must have picked up the wrong bag, Mulder," Scully said with more than a
hint of disgust in her voice. *Of all the things to have happen now* she
thought to herself, *right before my just-partners speech.* There was no way
she could start a serious conversation now. She had to get things back on track
first. "I'm going back to Akbar's to straighten this out."

"Well hold on," Mulder said as he hurried over to the couch, bent down and
grabbed his shoes, and sat down. "I'll go with you."

Scully waited in silence while he laced up his shoes, unable to take her eyes
off the fluid movements of his long graceful fingers as he pulled each lace
tight, looped it into a bow, then pulled it snug. *Is that how he'd handle me?*
she wondered before she could stop herself. *Would he tug and stretch me
firmly, insistently, but gently, so I wouldn't come undone?*

"There," Mulder said, standing up so suddenly she was jolted out of her
reverie. "Let's go."

He opened the door for her and then followed her through, pulled it shut behind
them and locked it, mumbling something Scully couldn't quite make out. When he
turned to follow her down the hallway, the evil grin was back on his face.

"What was that, Mulder?" she asked. "I couldn't hear you."

Mulder shrugged. "I was just laughing to myself that somewhere out there is
some poor schmuck who's gonna reach for a wetsuit at a very delicate moment and
pull out a pack of sugarless gum instead."

She was about to get mad at him for thinking about such a thing, when suddenly
she thought of something else. "Ha!" she laughed. "Not only that, but by then
it'll be covered with melted Rocky Road ice cream."

She and Mulder laughed their way down the stairs together and headed out into
the night, towards Akbar's All-Nite Market


To be continued...

END #1

NEW!!!  Rocky Road  2/6 by O3P Badfic chain (NC-17)

TITLE:  "ROCKY ROAD"  2/6

SPOILERS: "Fight the Future"
STORY: Mulder and Scully encounter a diabolical detour on the way to sorting
out their relationship.
CATEGORY: MSR, BadFic, Humor
RATING: Segment, mild R; Story, NC-17
FEEDBACK:  Oh yeah ! You bet  would love to hear some.  Send it along to :
Uhill@aol.com

******************************

(2/6) by Uhill


Mulder stepped off the curb and looked up and down the street.  "Where's your
car, Scully?" he asked.

"I took a cab," Scully replied, holding the bag with a mistaken identity as far
away from her body as her small arms would permit.  "I don't like parking it in
Akbar's All-Nite Parking Lot, which is the only place you can actually park if
you're going to Akbar's All-Nite Market."

Mulder nodded in agreement and stepped into the road to hail an oncoming cab. 
The driver slowed down, then took one look at Scully holding the wrinkled paper
bag with her arm outstretched, and accelerated.  Mulder's arm, raised in the
hail-a-cab position, converted itself into a one fingered salute.

"Wait, Mulder, here comes another one," Scully offered encouragingly.

The cab slowed down and stopped.  Mulder looked at Scully and smiled.  "Ah,
Akbar's All-Nite Cab Service." 

Mulder and Scully settled comfortably into the back seat, when the driver
turned around and said, "Where to?"

"AkBar's All-Nite Market," Scully answered.  Mulder's bottom jaw hung slack,
like a soggy, empty ice cream carton, as he stared at the driver.  It was the
copper-haired buxom librarian from his dream.

Mulder leaned towards Scully and whispered, "I think we should wait for another
cab to come along."

Scully looked at him, confused.  "What's wrong with this one?"

Mulder's eyes involuntarily met those of the grinning copper haired buxom
librarian.  "Buxom," he mumbled.

"What?" Scully said, annoyance creeping into her voice.

"Books, um," Mulder mumbled.  "I forgot to return some books, um, to the
library," he said unsteadily.

"Fine, I'll hold the cab while you run upstairs to get your books, and on the
way to Akbar's All-Nite Market we'll swing by Akbar's All Nite Library Book
Return."

Mulder nodded eagerly, and slipped out of the car before Scully could notice
that his body was reacting to the grinning copper haired buxom librarian-cab
driver the same way it had earlier, when he was dreaming.

"What's the matter with your friend?" the driver asked Scully.

Scully eyed the driver.  She was very well-endowed.  Scully wondered if the
woman could steer the car with her cleavage, leaving her hands free for...

"Mulder!" Scully yelled.  "Hold the cab, I'll be right back."  She sprinted
from the cab to assist Mulder, who in his haste had bumped into the pizza
delivery boy from Akbar's All Nite Pizza.  Several volumes of Encyclopedia
Britannica were sprawled across the sidewalk, smeared with a variety of pizza
toppings with fortunately did not include anchovies.

"I'm fine, Scully," Mulder said as he stood and brushed himself off.  Scully
helped him.  She was removing little pieces of onions and pepperoni that had
become wedged in his pants pockets when the copper haired buxom librarian-cab
driver joined them.

"Are you okay?" she asked, her librarian-cab driver voice a worried combination
of a whisper and a shopping channel salesperson.  Mulder stared and nodded,
trying to ignore Scully's hand in his pocket, reaching for more pepperoni.   

"Here, let me help," offered the copper haired librarian-cab driver.  She bent
to pick up the encyclopedias, revealing quite a bit of cleavage underneath her
snug Akbar's All Nite Cab Service uniform.

Mulder's eyes remained focused on the torso of the copper haired-librarian cab
driver.  "Breast," Mulder mumbled.

"What?" Scully asked, turning to follow Mulder's gaze.

"Quest.  I said we need to get on with our quest to the library and Akbar's All
Nite Market." 

Scully rolled her eyes.  She rolled them with such emphasis that Mulder thought
he heard them.  It sounded a little bit like thunder.

*****************************

The cab came to a screeching halt in front of Akbar's All Nite Library.  Mulder
grabbed the encyclopedias and raced to the book drop slot.  The first 25
volumes went down the slot without a hitch.  When Mulder tried to push through
the last volume, his hand became wedged.

He was stuck.  He tried to motion to Scully, waiting patiently in the cab, with
his free hand.  It was probably only two minutes before she noticed him, but to
him, it seemed like it was at least four and a half.

Scully sprinted quickly up the stairs, and she didn't even have to take one
breath.  Her FBI training kept her in good aerobic shape.  The cab driver,
however,  was huffing and puffing as she reached the top step.  Mulder couldn't
help but notice her heaving chest, which was now dampening her shirt with
perspiration and leaving even less to his imagination.  "Nipple," he mumbled.

"What?" asked Scully, narrowing her eyes so they looked like little blue laser
beams.

"Cripple, I'm going to be a cripple unless I get my hand out of this book
return slot," Mulder retorted.  He secretly wished it was his tongue, rather
than his hand, that was stuck in the slot.

"Here, let me help," the cab driver said helpfully.  She stepped closer to the
book slot and tried to slip her own hand in.  She knew almost immediately that
she had made a mistake.  Turning to Scully, she said, "Oh no, I'm stuck too."

"Wonderful, just wonderful," Scully remarked.  She was clearly annoyed now. 
"How the hell am I going to unstick you two?"

Mulder just shrugged, embarrassed.  The cab driver moved closer to him to ease
the pressure on her stuck hands.  Their bodies were now touching.  "Tit," he
said almost imperceptibly.

"Excuse me?" Scully asked.  

"Shit," Mulder said.  "We're in deep shit." Or at least I will be, Mulder
thought to himself.  He wanted desperately to stop the verbal tics that he kept
spewing out tonight as Freudian slips.  He would have slapped himself, but his
hand was stuck in a book return slot.  

"That's the first statement you've said that I've agreed with since we left
your apartment," Scully said.  She peered inside the glass window of Akbar's
All Nite Library.  It was dark.  She banged on the door and tapped her foot
impatiently.  She caught the buxom cab driver staring at her.

 "What?" Scully snapped.  "This IS supposed to be an all night library, isn't
it?"

The cab driver shook her head guiltily and said, "Well, technically it's
considered an all night library because the book drop slot is always open.  The
rest of the library closed at eight."

"This is great, this is fitting," Scully said.  "It's after midnight, I don't
have my cell phone, I'm miles away from my own apartment, and my partner and
cab driver are stuck in a book slot."  She folded her arms across her chest and
looked back towards the cab.   She had an idea.

"Don't go anywhere," she yelled as she sprinted back down the stairs.  Mulder
and the buxom copper haired librarian cab driver just looked at each other and
shrugged.  Then they both grimaced, because it hurts like hell to shrug when
your hands are stuck in a book drop slot.

For a nervous second, Mulder thought Scully was going to get into the cab and
drive away, leaving him stuck at Akbar's All Nite Library.  He showed the buxom
cab driver his panic face.  Then he saw Scully sprinting back up the stairs
carrying the wrinkled brown paper bag that they were supposed to return to
Akbar's All Nite Market.

"What are you doing, Scully?" Mulder asked.

Scully pulled out the package of Ho-Ho's and ripped them opened.  She stuck one
into the crowded book drop slot, and the other into Mulder's mouth.  "That
should keep you quiet for a while," she said teasingly.  Mulder nodded
gratefully.  

Scully continued to smear Ho-Ho icing around the perimeter of the book drop
slot.  When she was convinced that the slot was well lubricated, she looked at
Mulder and the cab driver and said, "On the count of three.  One, two, ...."

To be continued...

End #2


NEW!!! Rocky Road 3/6  by O3P Badfic chain (NC-17)


TITLE:  "ROCKY ROAD" 3/6

SPOILERS: "Fight the Future"
STORY: Mulder and Scully encounter a diabolical detour on the way to sorting
out their relationship.
CATEGORY: MSR, BadFic, Humor
RATING: Segment, mild R; Story, NC-17
FEEBACK:  Oh Yeah :0)  would love to hear it.  Send it along to:
Tracycee@aol.com

********************************************

(3/6) by SmutQueen


-Three!" 

Mulder's hand flew out of the book slot, across the cabdriver's chest, knocking
something-soft. He landed on his butt smack on the concrete. The buxom
librarian landed smack on top of him, and together they rolled to the bottom of
the library steps....smack-smack!-smack-smack!

Scully hurried after them. Mulder found himself staring right into the
librarian's heavily-mascaraed eyes. She was completely on top of him, her
generous chest pressing into his own muscular, lean, tight, well-conditioned
pectorals.

"Eeek!" said the librarian.

"Oof!" said Mulder, realizing his hand was between her legs, and her hand was
on his-boy toy.

"HEY!" shrieked Scully. A split-second later, the librarian had been torn from
atop Mulder and he found himself looking up into Scully's blazing eyes. "Don't
you dare try to pull that one again, Agent
Aren't-I-Sexy-With-My-Innocent-Puppydog-Eyes Mulder! Detective White was bad
enough!"

"Who?" Mulder sat up and rubbed his rump. 

"You know full well who I'm talking about, Mulder, so don't give me that
innocent act." She crossed her arms and began to pace in front of him. "What is
it with you and women?  What?" she threw her hands wide. "You act as if you
want to-to-"

"To?" Mulder asked, trying to appear as innocent as he could.

"To- Never mind." She turned and stomped toward the taxi, where the taxi driver
librarian and part-time porn star was already idling the engine. 

Mulder got up and followed, still rubbing his rump. And thinking. Hard. It made
his head hurt, but he was determined to puzzle out his petite partner.  Why was
she being so pissy? PMS, perhaps?  He slid into the seat beside Scully, and
they began their trip to the mini-mart in silence.

While Scully ran in to rescue the ice cream-and leave behind the condoms-Mulder
continued to think. Detective White- Detective White- Who in the heck-  The
light flashed on in his photographic memory, and he saw her-blonde, pretty,
statuesque, built, and jumping his bones in the hotel room while Scully
scowled. Just like she'd been scowling a moment ago, when the buxom
librarian-taxi driver-porn star had so innocently landed on top of his
deliciously brawny bod.

He rubbed his head-. Hmmmm-.. Maybe he should try using his psychologist's
training to figure out why Scully might be bothered by other women lying on
him? He thought back on all that he'd learned at Oxford, all the courses, the
lectures, the papers--but no answer presented itself. Perhaps this was another
mystery that would forever remain unsolved.

"She has SO got the hots for you," the taxi driver-librarian-porn star said. "I
thought she was going to murder me."

"What?" Mulder's head shot up. An amazing, hard-to-believe,
almost-sacrilegious-but-incredibly-exciting idea burst into his brain so hard
it almost hurt. "What did you say?"

"I SAID, my life's hard enough without making enemies in the government. It's
not like I make all that much money as a librarian-taxi driver-porn star, you
know. I'm just a poor working girl, and I-"

"No, not that part. The first part. Something about-hots?"

"Hots?"

"My partner! Something about my partner!" 

"Oh! Just that she wants you to lay her, is all." She turned around and stared
at him. "You did KNOW that, didn't you?"

"I-uh-duh-I-uh-duh-."

Just then, Scully sauntered back to the car and slid into the seat beside him,
slamming the door hard. Still pissed off, for sure, Mulder thought, studying
her out of the corner of his eye-catching hazel-green-grey-gold-brown-blue eye.
As Scully ignored him and rattled off the address of his apartment, adding a
terse, "Step on it," Mulder's gaze dropped to her legs in their tight pantyhose
and slid to the hem of her not-short-enough skirt.

Hot-. Was she really hot for him? Really? Wow! Really? Like, after all these
years, she wanted to climb all over his really hot, lean bod and maybe lick him
all over? Wow!! Already Mulder's blood was pumping hard through his veins, and
into a particular region south of his belt. He crossed his legs to hide it,
then changed his mind and sat up straighter. It was time for Scully to face the
music. And he was going to play the tune. On his special instrument.

He slid his arm along the back of the seat. "Hey, Scully."

"What?" she groused. 

Too bad she had ice cream on her lap. Cold stuff. Mulder wondered if it would
keep him from succeeding. He grabbed the bag and put it on the floor, then
scooched close to her.  "Scully, I have a great idea."

"What?" she asked, clearly suspicious.

"Let's, um- Let's park."

"What?"

Scully's vocabulary had apparently dropped to one word. Heartened by her
confusion, Mulder continued, "Well, we don't have to park to park. That is, we
have a driver, so we can park right here. You know?"

Scully looked at him as if he'd grown a horn between his eyes. He had grown a
horn, but it wasn't between his eyes. "What?" she demanded.

Mulder finally touched her. He actually allowed his fingers to slide along her
shoulder, and he didn't turn to stone, and she didn't scream, and he was
actually maybe possibly going to get to first base with her. "Park park park,
Scully! Let's do it!"

"Bark, bark, bark? You sound like a dog, Mulder."

"Well, you don't look like one." There. How was that for a romantic compliment?
He could do this, for sure!

"Gee, thanks." She frowned, staring hard at him. Her gaze slipped downward,
over his well-shaped, manly chest, to his groinal area. His jeans grew even
tighter and Mulder thought he might burst. "What is going on with you, Mulder?"

Mulder froze, trying to think of the words he needed. Heck, he and Scully had
never needed words between them. Instead, he would show her what he meant. He
scooted down in the seat, lying as flat as his lean, tall, rugged form could
manage in the small backseat. He banged his head on the armrest. "Ouch!"

"What in the- Are you sick or something, Mulder? Why are you lying down? And
get your feet off of me!" She shoved his legs from her lap. 

Mulder wasn't deterred. "Hey, Scully-Babe, come here." He held his arms wide.
"I know you want to, so just go ahead."

"Huh?"

"Lie down on me, Scully. Press yourself against me, and we'll take it from
there." He grinned his ever-infectious but never disease-ridden grin at her.
"Go ahead, jump my bones!" 

END PART 3

NEW!!! Rocky Road 4/6 by O3P Badfic chain (NC-17)

TITLE:  "ROCKY ROAD" 4/6

SPOILERS: "Fight the Future"
STORY: Mulder and Scully encounter a diabolical detour on the way to sorting
out their relationship.
CATEGORY: MSR, BadFic, Humor
RATING: Segment, PG; Story, NC-17
FEEDBACK:  You bet would LOVE to hear it. Send it along to:
ParraDee@aol.com


*********************************************

(4/?) by ParraDee


Scully looked at Mulder laying on the back seat of the cab.  She tried to make
sense of what was happening.

"What?" she said for the sixth time in the last 30 seconds.

Suddenly the cab swerved violently to the right, throwing her against the
window.  The impact seemed to knock her out of her monosyllabic stupor. 

"Mulder, are you suggesting that you're not feeling well?  First, you are lying
at the bottom of the library steps and now you are lying down in here -- in a
cab, a rather messy cab at that -- where there really is not enough room to do
so in an effective manner.  You appear to be having difficulty remaining
upright."

She leaned over to examine his sturdy, harder-than-usual body.  "Well, I can
see that is not entirely true.  I need to amend my analysis of the data."

Hmmmm-.. Maybe she should try using her medical training to figure out why his
body had taken on this unusual configuration.   She thought back on all that
she'd learned at medical school, through all of the anatomy classes, all of the
courses detailing the parts of the human body -- but no answer presented
itself. She frowned in confusion as she tried to form a rational hypothesis.

Suddenly, tires squealed on the pavement as the cab swerved violently to the
left, throwing her across Mulder's mostly prone body. Scully exclaimed, with a
start, "Hey, what was that?" 

Mulder purred,  "If you don't know, let me show you."

The buxom taxi driver-librarian-porn star shouted to them, "A black limo keeps
cutting us off.  I think it's trying to stop us.  Fortunately, I used to drive
a stunt car in those Burt Reynolds / Sally Fields movies and know how to
out-maneuver a limousine."

She pulled the emergency brake, sending the cab into a 180-degree turn, the
tires squealing loudly.  The abrupt motion threw Scully onto the floor of the
cab.  Mulder landed on top of her.

"Hey,"  Scully yelled indignantly as her limbs flailed futilely.  "I think I
landed on the ice cream."

Suddenly, there was a loud crack.  The left rear window shattered.   Small
chunks of safety glass rained throughout the cab, many of them getting caught
in the short, moussed spikes of Mulder's hair. 

"They're shooting at us," yelled the taxi driver-former stunt
driver-librarian-porn star,  "Get down!"

"I don't think I can," Mulder yelled back as he shook his head.  The chunks of
safety glass in his hair started coming loose, falling down onto Scully's face.
 

"If I went down any further, then I would be . . ." Scully's voice trailed off
as she tried to fend off the shower of safety glass. 

"OK, that's it!!,"  yelled the former stunt driver-taxi driver-porn
star-librarian as she pressed the accelerator to the floor.  "I want to know
WHO you people are and why a congressional limousine is shooting at us."

"What?"  Scully yelled over the roar of wind rushing through the shattered
window.  She was busy running her fingers through Mulder's hair, trying to
locate stray chunks of safety glass.

"Oh, yes, yes, don't stop now, baby," Mulder murmured.

"Who ARE you people?" the porn star-librarian-former stunt driver-taxi driver
repeated as she deftly wove her way down the street at high speed.  "WHAT do
you do for a living?  Are you running drugs or carrying guns or what?"

Finally!  Questions she could answer!  "We're FBI agents"  Scully yelled back. 
"We don't have our guns with us right now."

The tires squealed as the cab made another sharp turn to avoid the limousine. 
"OK, I can see it's up to me to save our asses."  The librarian-porn star-taxi
driver-former stunt driver reached under the front seat and pulled out a
sawed-off shotgun. 

Quickly, she maneuvered the cab into position.  With her left hand on the
wheel, she used her right hand to aim the shotgun out the window.   With one
well-aimed blast, she shot out the front, right tire of the limousine.  The
limo swerved and slid into Akbar's All Nite Live Poultry Stand.  The chickens
promptly scattered, squawking loudly in the process. 

Swearing under her breath, the taxi driver-yadda-yadda drove the cab a few
blocks.  She pulled over in front of Akbar's All-Nite Frozen Custard stand and
stopped the cab, the brakes screeching loudly.   She got out and opened the
rear door to the cab.   "All right.  Both of you!   Get out!"

Mulder and Scully looked up at her from their entwined position on the floor of
the cab.  "What?" they said in unison.

"Get out, now!"  The shotgun in her hand persuaded them that she was serious. 
"I don't want to see you in my cab ever again!"

They got out of the cab, chunks of safety glass raining from their bodies.  
They stood on the curb looking dazed and confused.  As the cab pulled away,
Scully spluttered,  "But, Mulder . . . she took our ice cream!"


To be continued...

End Part 4

NEW!!! Rocky Road 5/6  by O3P Badfic chain (NC-17)

  
TITLE: "ROCKY ROAD"  5/6

SPOILERS: "Fight the Future"
STORY: Mulder and Scully encounter a diabolical detour on the way to sorting
out their relationship.
CATEGORY: MSR, BadFic, Humor
RATING: Segment, mild R; Story, NC-17
FEEDBACK  You bet ya  Bring it on :0)  Send feedback to:
PlentyOHok@aol.com

==========================================================

(5/6) by PlentyOHok@aol.com


They watched the taxicab's tail lights shrink to pinpoints then disappear
around a corner. 

"Twice in one night!" Scully whined. "That's twice in one night someone's gone
off with our ice cream!"

"Scully, she didn't just go off," Mulder snapped peevishly. " She roared away
into the night following a library book slot rescue, a car chase, and a gun
battle. Is the missing ice cream really the highlight of those events in your
opinion?"

"I'm just saying, Mulder-" Scully said, her delicate fuse shortening audibly.
"I'm just stating the facts, that for the second time tonight, circumstances
have contrived to relieve us of the ice cream that was a large part of the
original focus of my visit to your apartment."

Mulder stared at her as if staring at her would help him understand what she
was talking about. He ran his fingers through his already tousled hair,
understanding nothing but knocking loose a few more chunks of safety glass and
leaving his hair even more endearingly tousled. Without thinking, Scully
reached to brush a piece of glass from his shoulder, but then diverted her hand
to her own coppery strands, which were also tousled but in more of a slovenly
way than endearingly. *Jesus* Scully caught a glimpse of herself in the window
of Akbar's All Nite Frozen Custard Stand. *Is that what wallowing around the
floor of a taxicab with one's just-partner does to one?* She smoothed her hair
into place as best as she could.

"So what's your point?" Mulder asked after a moment.

"My point is," she gestured impatiently, irritated that after five years
together she still had to point out her point to him," Doesn't it seem as
though there's some kind of conspiracy going on here?"

Mulder's eyes widened. "No! A conspiracy? " He laughed rather unkindly. "I
don't believe it! Next you'll be telling me that it involves aliens who are
conspiring with a consortium of evil men to colonize the earth using a virus
being stored in cornfields in Texas and tested in spaceships in Antarctica!

"Spaceships in Antarctica?" Scully's eyes narrowed. "Mulder, let me remind you
once again that what I saw was very little--"

"Oh don't even start with that!" he cut her off snappishly and quite peevishly
this time. After an intense mutual glare, they stood silently, looking
everywhere but at each other. The night was chilly and damp, and the rising
wind carried with it the smell of the weatherman's promise of heavy rain.
Finally Mulder spoke: "Scully, why the hell *did* you come to my apartment
tonight?"

Scully met the gaze of his fleckling gray-green-hazel eyes and swallowed hard.
*I could reach up right now and brush that glass from his shoulder, and
straighten his collar against the cold, and rub my hand across his stubbly
cheek, and press my small softness against the hard, lean, masculine angles
that I know, I just know are underneath that black leather jacket.* She stopped
herself. Why the hell had she come to his apartment tonight? *Oh yeah, the
damned speech. Just partners and nothing more.* She looked away and pulled her
own jacket close.

"Not now Mulder," she frowned. "It's cold and late and it's going to start
raining soon. Let's find a phone and get the hell out of here."

Mulder walked over to the darkened front of Akbar's All Nite Frozen Custard
Stand and pressed his face longingly against the glass. A red-lit exit sign
barely illuminated several footlocker freezers stocked with 5-gallon cartons of
frozen custard. "No phone here," he said, turning away. "I guess if they don't
put the custard away when they leave, that makes it All Nite."

Scully gave him a small smile then looked up and down the street. There was
nothing on either side of the block except closed shops and offices separated
by dark alleyways. "So, which way?"

Mulder thought for a second. "Let's head back to Akbar's All Nite Live Poultry
Market. There must be cops, or at least animal control there by now. I mean,
even in Washington DC you can't decimate a whole coop of chickens with your
congressional limousine and expect to get away with it!"

"The driving gun battle might have drawn some attention, too," Scully added
with a grin as they started walking back towards where the limo had crashed.
*With any luck, we'll find a phone, beat the rain and get everything
straightened out before the night is through.* She was feeling more hopeful
with every step. *With or without ice cream, dammit!* 

****************

They walked in silence for most of the two-and-a-half blocks back to Akbar's
All Nite decimated Live Poultry Market. The only noise besides the steadily
growing wind was the "swick-swack" of their jeans' legs passing each other:
long drawn out swick-swacks for his steady gait; short, staccato swick-swacks
for her quicker steps. They kept to the center of the street since there was no
traffic and it seemed safer than the dark, dirty sidewalk.

*Even here, even here* Mulder found himself thinking in time to the swick-swack
of Scully's pants legs, like you sometimes find yourself doing to car
windshield wipers. *Even here, even here, manholes steaming, manholes steaming,
garbage stinking, garbage stinking, broken asphalt, broken asphalt--* Suddenly
he had to stop walking to break the insidious rhythm of his thoughts. *Whew!*

"What?" Scully stopped, too, looking about nervously. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he said and started walking again, but more slowly this time. There,
that was better. Scully fell in step beside him again. *Even here, pissed off
at me and the great ice cream conspiracy, with chickens squawking faintly in
the distance* which he realized they were getting close enough to hear, *she's
the most beautiful woman in the world.* He stole a sideways glance at her
perfect profile. *Has she really wanted to hump me senseless all these years?*

As they reached the end of the second block and turned right around the corner,
the squawking of chickens grew even louder. Thirty yards down the street, at
least a dozen large birds strutted and flapped and clucked frantically around
the carcass of the congressional limo that had launched itself onto their coop.
It still sat where it had landed, doors open, headlights (which had been turned
off) pointing slightly skyward and only the two rear wheels on the ground.

Surprisingly, there was not a sign of any emergency personnel, nor of the
owners of the poultry market. As they approached the limo, however, they could
discern a black-clad figure carefully stepping around bits of wood and wire
from the coop in stealthy pursuit of the biggest, loudest chicken of the bunch.

"Here chicky-chick, here chicky-chick," the man enticed. "Come here, you
bony-footed bag of giblets."

He lunged for the chicken, attempting to grab it. But the chicken scooted up
the curb with loud squawks, and the man in black tripped and fell sprawling
across the sidewalk. "Get back here, darn it all!"

"Agent Spender!" Scully whispered incredulously, elbowing Mulder. "What's he
doing here?"

Spender scrambled to his feet and began stalking after the chicken once more.
Though Mulder and Scully were now only ten yards away, he still hadn't noticed
them, intent as he was on his fowl prey. As they looked at the chicken, they
noticed something black flopping from its beak.

Suddenly the chicken turned on Spender and charged him, wings flapping
furiously. Spender leapt back, knocking into the rear of the limo. 

"Cut it out you sack of chicken poop!" he whined at the bird.

"Chicken shit, Agent Spender," said a voice from inside the limo and, like a
hideous jack-in-the-box, Diana Fowley unfolded from the rear seat where she'd
been hidden in darkness. "It's chicken shit! Christ, can't you even swear like
a man?"

Mulder froze. "Diana?"

She whipped around to face them. "Fox!"

Just then, the chicken strutted near and Mulder reached down and swiped the
black thing out of its beak: a wallet badge like the one they all carried. He
flipped it open to the light and read: "Special Agent Jeffrey Spender, FBI."
Snapping it shut, he sneered at Spender, "You let the suspect take possession
of your badge, Jeffy. That's not going to look very good on your report of this
incident."

Spender angrily rushed Mulder, who flapped his arms and lunged forward,
squawking "brak-brak!" Spender flinched, much to Mulder's amusement.

"Give me that, you oaf," Spender snarled, snatching the badge from him.

"I'm afraid there's not going to be any report of this incident, Fox," Diana
purred, closing the antenna of her cell phone against her hip and ambling
seductively towards them, eyes only for Mulder.

"Why were you following us, Agent Fowley?" Scully asked, cleverly interrupting
Fowley's concentration on her partner, and even more cleverly "accidently"
stepping on her partner's foot to interrupt his concentration on Fowley. "Why
did you shoot at us?"

Fowley stopped. "I don't know what you're talking about," she said, doing her
best to sound bored.

Mulder pointed to the limousine. "Since I don't see any other cars around, we
have to assume you were driving this one."

"All right, if you want the truth-" She paused, as though they might want to
change their minds, then shrugged. "Fine. We were on a stakeout in the vicinity
of Akbar's All-Nite Market when we happened to notice the two of you engaging
in some rather unprofessional conduct both inside the market and outside in a
public taxi."

"Unprofessional conduct," Scully repeated the phrase like a dare.

Fowley moved closer, reaching inside her jacket to pull out a sheaf of Polaroid
photographs. She thumbed through them until she found the right one and held it
out. It was a close-up of Scully gesturing at a packet of condoms being held up
by the clerk.

"After making a spectacle of herself over a box of condoms," Fowley spoke as
though narrating from a case file, "Agent Scully rushed out of the market to
join Agent Mulder in a public taxi." 

Mulder snorted in disgust. "You just happened to be on a stakeout inside
Akbar's All-Nite Market?"

Scully took a step towards her, angrily pointing at the Polaroid. "Those
condoms were a mistake!"

Fowley sneered, "Really? Were they the wrong color or did you mean to get the
ribbed kind?"

For a second it looked like Mulder might have to step between the two women,
but then Scully summoned enough control of herself to whirl away from Fowley.
With a quick, hot glower at Mulder (*You handle this before I have to
bitch-slap her*), she stomped over to the limousine.

Mulder stared after her for moment, entranced as always by the sight of
stomping-mad Scully in jeans, then dragged his eyes back to Fowley. "Diana, we
went to the market because somebody accidentally took Scully's bag when she
bought ice cream earlier, and Scully ended up with their bag."

"Well, Fox, if that's your story, then you stick to it!" Fowley gave him a
jowly, knowing half-smile that Mulder knew would make millions of people across
America want to bitch-slap her, if only they could somehow see her.
"Nevertheless, there's more."

She shuffled through the rest of the photos as she continued talking. "There's
an especially interesting series of shots after Agent Scully returns to the
taxi. Here, two heads are visible. Then here, you disappear. Then here, Agent
Scully disappears too." She looked pointedly at him, her eyes two steel stakes
mentally aimed right for his groin. "Where did the two of you go? I mean, what
could you possibly be doing out of sight in the back seat of a taxicab?"

*She's jealous* Mulder realized with a terrifying jolt of alarm. *She's
remembering what she and I used to do out of sight in the back seat of
taxicabs.* Mulder endured the rare experience of having no smart ass response
come to mind and stood mutely. *Damn, maybe I should just let Scully have at
her,* he glanced around to see where Scully was, just in case. At that moment,
she erupted from the back passenger side of the limousine, which she'd been
searching through during Fowley's show-and-tell.

"Mulder!" she shouted and started towards him, victoriously holding up a brown
paper grocery sack.

"Hey," Agent Spender spoke up. "You have no right to remove--"

Before he could finish, the bag split open, dumping the contents onto the
ground with an audible "plop." The four agents stared together at the soggy
mess on the ground at their feet.

"You did this," Scully pointed to Fowley, her voice dripping with venom the way
chocolate ice cream now dripped from the smooshed ice cream carton onto the
cracked pavement of the street. She then pointed at Mulder, spattering him with
an "I told you so" glare the way bits of nuts and marshmallow now spattered the
pack of sugarless gum she'd bought hours earlier. "And you mocked me when I
suggested there was a conspiracy."

Knowing she was right, Mulder's trusty well-honed FBI profiler survival
instincts told him to focus on Fowley. He raked her with an angry stare. "You
had the bags switched deliberately, didn't you Diana! You set us up!"

"Believe me, Agent Mulder," Spender spat out, unable to keep quiet. "It wasn't
hard."

"I'm sure it's never hard for you, is it Jeffy!" Mulder spat back, not taking
his eyes off Fowley.

Fowley shook her head, unfazed. "That's enough, Agent Spender."

"You're pathetic," Spender continued, scornfully. "Old man Akbar wasn't too
keen on helping at first, said you two had bought enough porno mags and ice
cream there to put his son through college and he didn't want to lose such good
customers."

"Watch your mouth, Spender!" Fowley warned through gritted teeth.

"I've never bought a porno mag at Akbar's!" Scully said indignantly.

"But then we mentioned talking to the INS about his 25 cousin Akbars who are
visiting this country illegally to help him run all his businesses-" Spender
sniggered. "He didn't even charge us for the HoHo's."

"Shut the hell up you twerp!" Fowley snarled.

Scully walked over to Fowley and held out her hand. "I'll take those
photographs now."

Fowley hesitated and looked to Mulder, who nodded. She grimaced and roughly
slapped the sheaf of Polaroids into Scully's hand. Just as she did, fat
droplets of rain began to splatter down on them, and the wind ratcheted itself
upwards, kicking up paper trash and whistling across gaps between dark
buildings.

Suddenly, headlight beams rounded the corner and pinned the four agents where
they stood. Seconds later, a cab pulled alongside them. With equal parts dread
and excitement, Mulder noted the "Akbar's All Nite Taxi Service" insignia on
the door, but he was quickly both relieved and disappointed when a hairy elbow
appeared at the window and a gruff voice shouted over the wind, "You the people
called for a cab?"

"That would be us," Spender said, opening the rear door. "Room for two."

Agent Fowley moved away, curling her lip in a horrifying perversion of a smile.
"I'd offer to let you use my cellphone to call for your own cab, but you know
the FBI's policy on unauthorized lending of office equipment." She ducked out
of the rain and into the cab behind Spender. "Besides, I'm sure you two will
find something to do on such a dark and stormy night. Just remember, next time
we're going to nail you for good!"

She slammed the door shut and, a moment later, the cab moved on. 


To be continued-


[END PART 5]

New!!! Rocky Road 6/6 by O3P Badfic chain (NC-17)

TITLE: "ROCKY ROAD" 6/6

SPOILERS: Season 6
STORY: Mulder and Scully encounter a diabolical detour on the way to sorting
out their relationship.
CATEGORY: MSR, BadFic, Humor
RATING: Segment, NC-17
FEEDBACK: PlentyOHok@aol.com
COMMENTS: Okay, I want to establish that I do NOT have a produce fetish!
Remember that! No actual fruits and vegetables were harmed in the writing of
this badsmut.

**********************************************

(6/6) by PlentyOHok


They were stranded again, but this time they didn't wait to watch their ride
disappear. Through sheets of rain, they ran for the nearest cover and found
themselves under the metal awning of Akbar's All-Nite Fruit & Veggie Mart. The
front door was securely locked.

"Screw old Akbar's violation of U.S. immigration laws," Mulder called to Scully
over the rat-a-tat of rain beating down overhead. "What about truth in
advertising?"  

Peering through the glass door, they could make out a counter, a cash register,
several produce scales, and dozens of neatly stacked bins of fresh fruit and
vegetables. On the far wall, inside a dark alcove, a lighted blue and white
sign promised "Telephone." Mulder began riffling his jacket pockets for
something, anything he could use to pick the door lock.

"You know what, Mulder?" Scully's voice was husky and close. His hands stopped
moving and he turned his head to see her face just inches from his, wet and
flushed with cold. "Fuck this!"

"Hunh?" he said stupidly.

"I said fuck this, I've had enough!" she shouted over the storm, pushing him
out of the way and sizing up the split panels of glass.

"What're you doing?" he shouted back.

Without answering she turned sideways to the door and slowly raised her right
knee to waist level, focusing all her energy on a single point at the center of
the lower pane. Suddenly she flashed into motion, landing a fierce side-thrust
kick that exploded through the glass. Mulder's stubbled jaw dropped. *That was
the sexiest thing I've ever seen* he felt his own energy beginning to focus in
his loins.

Scully pulled off her jacket, wrapped it around her fist, and cleared the rest
of the glass from the lower half of the door frame with three quick punches.
She stood and yelled, "I don't know about you, Mulder, but I'm getting out of
the rain."  Then she ducked through the opening, disappearing into the warm,
dry interior of Akbar's All-Nite Fruit & Veggie Mart.

Mulder stood blinking for a moment. *Wow*.  He looked around and saw no sign
that anyone had noticed their break-in. Taking a deep breath, he stooped and
followed Scully into the building.

*********************************

When he stood up inside, he found Scully staring at him from a few feet away.
Her damp T-shirt melded like a glove to her slim torso and full breasts. Her
nipples were huge and hard, like a second set of eyes staring at him. He felt
himself growing suddenly, painfully stiff.

"What's wrong with us, Mulder?" she asked, her voice thick with sadness and
anger and something else-a banana from a nearby bin, Mulder deduced from the
peel she dropped on the floor. *What is with her tonight?* He quickly
catalogued her recent unScullylike behavior: breaking and entering,
shoplifting, and now, perhaps worst of all, littering? 

Her right nipple lifted in a gratifying wink as she raised a hand to comb
through her wet hair. Mulder bit back a groan at the constriction in his
crotch. She finished chewing the banana and swallowed, then continued, "I mean,
we've been so good for five years. So damned chaste. So goddamned
just-partners-and-nothing-more. And what difference has it made?"

"I-Uh-" Mulder didn't know what to say. He was pretty sure this was connected
to what the buxom copper-haired librarian-taxi driver-porn star-former stunt
driver had been trying to tell him, but he couldn't figure out how just yet.
However, the fleeting image of his dreamy Jill-of-all-trades added an extra
schwing to his swelling hard-on.

 "We've played their little FBI policy games," she went on, her tight-shirted
tits doing a fine job of jouncing in time with her angry gestures. "Not a
touch, not a kiss, not an unprofessional word has passed between us, but
they're going to screw us over anyway."  

"Uh-Argh-" Even if he'd known what to say, by now he could only garble out
unintelligible sounds. Absurdly, the image of a Calvin & Hobbes cartoon popped
into his mind: Calvin clutching Hobbes with one hand and pinching his nose with
the other, asking "Daddy, if I hold my nose when I sneeze will my head
explode?" *Could that possibly be happening to my dick?* he turned away from
Scully, snaking one hand down his pants to attempt a discreet rearrangement of
parts.  There was a lot to rearrange, so it took a minute.

When he turned around again, Scully had already kicked off her sneakers,
stripped off her socks,  and was just stepping out of her wet jeans. "Well I'm
through playing, Mulder," she said throatily.  

And there she stood before him in nothing but peach-colored panties and her
damp T-shirt. Then she pulled off the T-shirt, and there was nothing but petite
feet leading to delicate ankles leading to perfectly rounded calves leading to
kissable knees leading to creamy white partible thighs leading to . . . *Jesus,
those damned peach panties* . . . leading to warm, flat stomach leading to the
two most perfect handfuls of soft womanly flesh he'd ever beheld.

"Argh, Scully, you're killing me here," he grimaced and spun away again,
squeezing his knees and eyelids together and trying to remember how the old
gross-out cure for embarrassing boners went: *turd in the swimming pool, fly in
your soup, smell of the john when you lean in to puke.* But even that last
part, which had usually worked in seventh grade, didn't work when he peeked
around and saw Scully stepping towards him. For his own health and safety, he
forced his fingers to undo the buttons of his fly and relieve some of the
pressure beneath it, but still he fought her for control. "Scully, stop right
there. Don't come any closer."

"What's wrong, Mulder?" she asked, continuing to inch towards him. "You didn't
want me to stop in the back seat of that taxicab.  I couldn't figure out what
was wrong with you, why you kept lying down and insisting I grab the cell phone
in your pocket. At first I thought you were sick and wanted me to call for
help, but your symptoms didn't fit any disease I'd learned about in medical
school. Then after that bimbo kicked us out of the cab, I finally understood.
You didn't *have* a cell phone in your pocket!"

By now she was right behind him, reaching for his waist. "Don't try to tell me
you don't want this, Mulder," she whispered. 

"Scully, I . . . *oh boy* ". . . I just . . ." *oh shit*. . . " Turning to ward
her off, he moved his hands from his bulging crotch. Her eyes developed bulges
of their own at the sight of the plaid-clad mountain erupting through the gap
in his fly. He quickly covered himself and turned his back on her again, glad
that his favorite boxers had been dirty that morning and it wasn't Rocky &
Bullwinkle she was ogling. "Scully," he explained over his shoulder, "It's not
that I don't want this, it's just . . . It's just that I've always counted on
our being able to say, truthfully, that our relationship is strictly
professional. That in five years I've never touched you, no matter how much
I've wanted to. Not `that' way."

She blinked, trying to understand. "You really think it's that important to be
able to say you've never touched me?"  

He nodded. 

She thought some more. "But you have wanted to? You do want to?" she asked. 

Again, he nodded. There was silence behind him. *Have I really succeeded in
averting this disaster?* For as much as he wanted to take the one and only
8-1/2 inch Mulder-iron and leave his mark on Dana Katherine Scully where no
other man would ever go hence, he knew that brand of adventure would be risking
their friendship as well as their partnership. So, as the silence stretched
behind him, he began to relax. For the umpteenth time in five years, the cooler
of his two heads had prevailed.

"So, what if we did it without really touching?" her voice came from inches
away.

Suddenly, he felt a pointed, firm pressure trailing down his back and slipping
under the waistband of his boxers. Looking over his shoulder, he saw that
Scully had picked up two huge fresh carrots and had just stuck one of them into
his shorts. She used the other one like a baton to turn him towards her, then
inserted it under his T-shirt and raked it sharply up his belly and across each
of his nipples then down again. The carrot she still held in his boxer shorts
slid around to the front to tickle his pubic hair and fence with his boner,
sending a bolt of excitement from his groin up to the top of his head. After a
moment, she pulled the carrot out of his pants and brought it up to her mouth.

"I never touched you," she said, and then wrapped her full lips around the tip
of the carrot and bit it off. 

*No* he revised his opinion from earlier, *that right there was the sexiest
thing I've ever seen.*  He moved for the first time in at least a minute
(although it had seemed like many minutes), quickly shrugging off his jacket,
dropping his jeans, and shedding his T-shirt. Then he stood before her wearing
only his boxers, and it thrilled him to see her swallow the carrot tip and drop
her jaw in shock and awe as she witnessed the full extent of her effect on him.
His mom and dad may have been pretty damned pathetic when it came to parenting,
but he couldn't fault the gene combination that had given him this ability to
wow most women and scare away the rest.

"Two can play, you know," he said, reaching for the bin to his right and
grabbing the longest, fattest fresh cucumber he could see in the blue light
from the Telephone sign.  "Is this what you want, Scully?"

Gently, careful to avoid brushing her skin with his fingertips, he pulled down
the waistband of her panties and slipped the cucumber inside, pressing and
rolling it against her mounded flesh. Her knees buckled and her diaphragm
expanded, and she leaned back, gasping, against a pyramid of cantaloupe. Melons
tumbled to the floor all around their feet. Scully didn't seem to notice,
closing her eyes and holding her breath as Mulder worked the cucumber between
the folds of her outer and then her inner lips, which were quickly becoming
sloppy wet and warm with friction. The contact stopped suddenly and her eyes
flew open. 

"I never touched you," Mulder said, then took a huge bite of wet, warm
cucumber.

Scully lunged to the next bin and grabbed the roundest, juiciest tomato she
could find. Using her nails, she roughly split the tomato in half. Mulder was
just swallowing his dark, smoky mouthful of cucumber when she jerked down his
boxer shorts to come head-to-head with his raw, trembling cock. *Ohmyfuckingod*
she mentally shrieked, and then *At last!*  (Or it might have been *At last!*
and then *Ohmyfuckingod.*) (No, come to think of it, *Ohmyfuckingod* would have
definitely come first.)

Then she sandwiched that mighty serpent between the two dripping tomato halves
and began to slowly, torturously stroke along its length.  Now it was Mulder's
turn to gasp and melt backwards, sending bushels of bell peppers, broccoli, and
whole mushrooms cascading to the floor. 

"Ahh, ehh, uhhh-" he moaned, nearly mindless with ecstasy but not quite, as he
managed to muster the consciousness to pick up two fresh ears of corn from atop
a tall stack nearby.  As Scully continued her rhythmic, juicy (but seedy)
assault on his swollen erection, he swept the cool, satiny silk of the corn
across her body. Velvety silk velour caresses tickled along her neck, her
shoulders, down and then back up her arms, circling her breasts and her
nipples, across her flat, firm belly, over the peach panties, and down along
the sensitive insides of her thighs.

Mulder struggled not to give in to his need for release. *Where did Scully
learn to handle a tomato like that?* Finally, between grunts and pants, he
found his voice. "Scully-"

"What, Mulder," she sighed, unable to look away from the sight (and astounding
color combination) of his huge purplish member throbbing between two blood-red
tomato halves. "What is it?"

"Scully," he repeated breathlessly, *Why should the cucumbers and corn have all
the fun?* "I think we need to touch each other . . ."

They both stopped moving, frozen in place.  Then they looked at each other, and
one moment of electric eye contact was all it took to decide the issue. Scully
dropped the tomato. Mulder dropped the corn, ripped down her peach panties, and
forgot to breathe for a minute (although, again, it seemed like many minutes).
For the first time outside an alien spaceship, he gazed upon utterly naked
Scully.

Suddenly they collided like magnets unable to resist the force of their mutual
attraction, their compulsion to touch. For many long minutes (which, not
surprisingly, seemed like hours), mouths and hands blindly sought all the odd
and secret places that had been forbidden to them-by them-for so long:
earlobes, eyelashes, collarbones, breasts, shoulder blades, armpits, elbows,
navels, hipbones . . . 

When they began to slow their frantic exploration, Mulder unwrapped his arms
from around her and cupped her warm breasts in his hands, closing his eyes and
groaning as the hard nubs of her nipples nuzzled into his palms and, like
electrodes, sent shock waves throughout his body. He stretched to keep his
hands full of Scully as she dipped her head to plant a trail of hot kisses down
his muscular chest and rippling stomach. When she reached the dark bush above
his cock, she buried her nose there, inhaling the musky scent of his manhood
before sliding her warm tongue along the awesome length of him and gently
brushing her lips across his tip.

He reflexively pulled away from her to save himself, squeezing her tits and
pulling upwards to get her to stand.  They each took a step back, beholding
each other for the last time as just partners and nothing more (okay, after the
last few minutes which had seemed like hours, maybe a little more). And then it
was time.

She smiled as his worshipful gaze swept over her, then held her arms out like a
child asking to be picked up. Returning her smile, he gently lifted her onto
the edge of the now-empty broccoli bin and kissed her deeply, mind and heart
reeling as she sucked his tongue into her mouth and held it between her teeth.
Her arms encircled his neck and her hard nipples and soft breasts pressed
against his bare chest. She spread her knees wide, making space for him.  He
reached around and grabbed her ass, and then, with a quick knee-bend, a swift
heave-ho, and impeccable aim, he crammed his incredible length into her
slippery hot depths. 

He immediately stopped moving as she cried out with the pain and ecstasy of his
entry. She bit her lip and held still, waiting for her insides to adjust to his
size and the unaccustomed feeling of fullness. She soon realized, however, that
after five years of abstinence and occasional adventures with a vibrator, it
was just going to hurt like hell the first few times and she might as well
rejoice at the cause of her pain.  So she locked her ankles behind his back and
thrust her hips hard against him, welcoming the agony that shot through her
loins as he began to match her rhythm and ream her open.

Pumping into her again and again, beyond all rational thought or care that the
fruit and vegetables he was trampling were not his own, Mulder careened into a
bin of cabbages which toppled sideways. A neat stack of rutabagas was the next
to fall, followed by pyramids of grapefruits and oranges.

There was now nowhere else to step, as the entire floor of Akbar's All-Nite
Fruit & Veggie Mart was covered with stomped and battered produce.  So Mulder
simply fell to his knees, pushed Scully backwards onto the pile of mushrooms
(the softest veggie he could think of through the haze of his primitive lust)
and continued to bone her senseless.

Who knows how long their feast lasted? The rain poured down outside and not a
soul, human or animal-except for a few tired, squawking chickens-moved along
the dark streets. But inside Akbar's All Nite Fruit & Veggie Mart, tomatoes
popped, onions skinned, corncobs shucked, cukes a-cumbered, squashes squished,
lettuce leaved, celeries stalked, carrots peeled, cabbage heads rolled, beans
sprouted, and the love salad Mulder and Scully made required no dressing-in
fact, had required undressing-and was its own most just desert.

Sometime later, he slipped reluctantly from inside her and collapsed next to
her on top of their bed of fungus. "You know what would be really good right
now . . ." he said sleepily. "Some ice cream!"

Scully giggled like a schoolgirl and confessed,  "I *did* scream!"

"Mmm, I's creamed!" Mulder mumbled with a dreamy smile, then fell fast asleep.

"So much for my `just-partners-and-nothing-more' speech" she whispered into his
still damp with rain and sticky with tomato seeds hair. He snored softly
against her breast, which smelled earthy and moist like mushrooms.  Then she,
too, drifted into sleep.


***************************************

The low rumble of a diesel engine brought Scully back to consciousness.
Although they were safely out of sight in the shadows of tumbled produce bins,
everything around them was awash in the glare of headlights from a truck idling
in the street outside. Peering over the top of a bin that had previously held
various Asian leafy greens, she saw that a tow truck had backed up to the wreck
of the limousine, and the driver was going about the business of securing the
tow-bar. While they'd slept, the rain had stopped, the chickens had quieted,
and the sky was beginning to lighten.

"Mulder, wake up!" Scully nudged him gently. 

"Hmm? What?" he blinked sleepily.

"There's a tow-truck outside."  She peeked out again. Something about the
solitary figure of the tow truck driver seemed familiar to her, but she
couldn't put her finger on what it was. 

"C'mon, Scully," Mulder said. "Let's get the hell out of here before old Akbar
finds us." 

They scrambled to their feet, hunted down their juice-stained clothing, and
quickly dressed. 

********************************

After ducking through the shattered front door, they flattened themselves
against the outside of the building. From here, Mulder could just make out the
logo on the side of the truck: Akbar's All-Nite Tow Service. Scully was more
interested in the driver, whose curvaceous, snugly-uniformed figure suddenly
registered as having been last seen ejecting them from a bullet-riddled
taxicab.

"Oh brother!" she scowled. "Look who's driving."

Mulder looked. *I'd recognize that cleavage anywhere,* he thought, but much to
his surprise, his lips misspoke not a single foul word. "Come on, we'll stay in
the shadows."

They edged carefully along the sidewalk but had only moved a few yards when a
cheerful voice called out, "Hey you two!"

They stopped and saluted hello.

"Boy, I was wondering where y'all got to," she gushed, sauntering over to them.
"I got to feeling real bad about leaving you stranded like that so I went back
to find you, but you were gone."

By now she'd reached them and was giving them each a good once over.  "Hey,
what happened to you two-you look like you've been in a food fight or
something." 

"Something," Mulder nodded enigmatically.

"So, you drive a tow truck, too?" Scully asked, stepping between them.

"Well, I do till the sun comes up," she grinned, checking her watch. "Then I'm
off. A girl can only have so many jobs, you know."

They chuckled politely, then Mulder took hold of Scully's elbow and began
moving her along the sidewalk again.  "Well, we've got to be going," he said.
"Nice seeing you again." 

"Hey, can I give you a ride somewhere?" she offered.  They looked at each other
questioningly. "Come on, it'll make me feel better about kicking you out on the
street like that!"

After a moment, they both shrugged at the same time. "All right," Scully said,
and they started walking towards the truck.

"And don't worry about kicking us out on the street," Mulder added, discreetly
patting Scully on the pear-and-banana-stained seat of her jeans. "It really
worked out for the best."

"Right on, then, no hard feelings," their new friend said happily. "Gee, you
two sure do seem different somehow . . ."

Mulder and Scully just smiled and climbed up into the cab of the truck next to
her.  As the buxom copper-haired librarian-taxi driver-porn star-former stunt
driver-tow truck operator rammed the gear shift into Drive and the truck rolled
away, the sun topping the roofline to the east shed its first rays of light on
Mulder and Scully, and on a most poignant reminder that more lives than theirs
had been changed overnight: a single, weary chicken moving ahead of the truck,
flapping and squawking boldly toward freedom.


THE END