Date: Mon Oct 07 23:25:01 1996 From: "joan the english chick" ***** Please do NOT send to atxc! ***** Here we go folks...my latest endeavor. PLEASE don't take it too seriously!!! It's a Rocky Horror - X-Files reinterpretation. I changed the ending a bit. It also (if you want to get this deep into it) makes some interesting assertions about the relationship between lust and Mulder's search for the truth :) If you've never seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show (you poor thing!), you might find this slightly amusing, but you probably won't "get it." Sorry! :( If you're a Rocky Horror Fanatic, please note that I used the official Shooting Script, which I got for my birthday, for this, so it may differ ever so slightly from the movie. Deal with it. Comments in [square brackets] are stage directions. Comments in are suggested audience-response lines. If you have suggestions for more audience lines, please let me know! One other thing: Obviously, this was written before "Herrenvolk" aired. Coincidence, or eerie foreshadowing? You be the judge! Summary: The Rocky Horror Picture Show, except with X-Files characters. Ratings: Parody; NC-17 for language and sexual situations. Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully and the rest of the X-Files universe are still not mine, even though I keep asking for them every birthday. They belong to Chris Carter and Fox Television, and are used without permission. "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" by Richard O'Brien is also not mine, and is also used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended. "Rocky X" Copyright 1996 by joan the english chick, all rights reserved. [LIPS sing] LIPS: Now Chris Carter was smart The day he wrote this part And he made us Want to believe And Duchovny was there In Speedo underwear Deep Throat is the invisible man Then something went wrong They fired Morgan and Wong They got caught in a creative jam Then down from Carter's desk Came the dictum: "No sex!" And this is how the series ran: Science Fiction The truth is out there Mister X Will give you nightmares See Gunmen fighting Walt and Dana Why Perrey guest stars I can't explain-a... At the prime time On Fox Network X-Files show. I knew Gillian A. Could really save the day When Fox Mulder got into a jam And I wanted to scream When I saw Phoebe Green Try to take Mulder for her man William Davis said smoke Made him gasp, cough and choke He could really use a healthy tan And when Krycek got sick That alien inside Nick Made me the Ratboy's biggest fan. Cuz it's - Science Fiction The truth is out there Mister X Will give you nightmares See Gunmen fighting Walt and Dana Why Perrey guest stars, I can't explain-a... At the prime time On Fox Network X-Files show. [Scene: A Wedding. Rustic old church. We see the groom kiss the bride and they turn and run outside, getting showered with confetti by laughing guests. As the guests exit into the sunshine, we see SCULLY and SKINNER among them. The bride throws her bouquet and SCULLY catches it. She smiles awkwardly as the other women congratulate her. She moves to join SKINNER.] SKINNER: Lovely wedding, wasn't it? SCULLY: It certainly was. Your niece made a beautiful bride, sir. [In the background, closing up the church, we spy three men: one short and pudgy, one skinny and long-haired, one tall and neatly groomed: the LONE GUNMEN.] SKINNER: We're not on duty today. I think you could call me Walter. SCULLY: Okay...that'll take some getting used to, s-Walter. SKINNER: Work on it, Dana. [Both smile.] [They walk for a moment in silence.] SKINNER: Hey Dana. DANA: Yes Walter. WALTER: I've got something to say. DANA: Yes? WALTER: I really love the skillful way you keep Mulder under control. DANA: Oh Walter. WALTER: [sings] The cases are rarely quite plain-a GUNMEN: Dana. WALTER: I wish that you would explain-a GUNMEN: Dana. WALTER: I see it's beginning to rain-a GUNMEN: Dana. WALTER: I've one thing to say and that's Dana, Explain-a, The X-Files. [He starts to dance around her.] WALTER: This business is not a game-a GUNMEN: Dana. WALTER: A guy needs to use his brain-a GUNMEN: Dana. WALTER: Everyone makes a false claim-a GUNMEN: Dana. WALTER: I've one thing to say and that's Dana, Explain-a, those X-Files! [He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little metal thing.] WALTER: Here's the thing they pulled from your neck last year... There's no way that I can ID this thing. [DANA grabs the metal thing and goes to hug him, but he's fishing for his glasses.] WALTER: Oh D-A-N-A what is that thing....? [DANA bursts into the church with glee.] DANA: Oh! My mother says I haven't called her GUNMEN: Walter. DANA: Every time I try, my voice will falter GUNMEN: Walter. DANA: (I don't know Kristen but I hear Mulder balled her) GUNMEN: Walter. DANA: I've one thing to say and that's Sir, I'm Sure, I don't know! [They join hands and walk toward the altar.] DANA: Oh Sir... WALTER: Oh Dana DANA: I'm Sure... WALTER: Oh Dana... DANA: I don't know. WALTER: I wonder to-oo-oo-oo-oo. [They gaze into each other's eyes.] [A study. CHRIS CARTER sits at a desk looking solemn.] CC: I would like, if I may, CC: ...to take you on a strange journey. [He takes out a thick file marked "X-Files Script."] It seemed a fairly ordinary series when I first pitched the idea to those numbskulls at Fox... CC: ...but how wrong they were! CC: It is true...that not everything the agents investigate is easy to understand. CC: It's true also...that the weather on this fateful day was not as lovely as Scully and Skinner thought it was. But they were FBI agents and they were not about to let weather spoil their evening. [Pause.] CC: On a night out...a night they were to remember for a very...long... time. [Flash of lightning.] [SCULLY and SKINNER are in a car. He's driving. She is applying lipstick.] SCULLY: How come I never get to drive? [The windshield wipers flip back and forth from Skinner to Scully.] [Skinner stops the car.] SCULLY: What's wrong? SKINNER: I think we took a wrong turn. [We see a "DEAD END" sign.] SCULLY: This never happens when *I* drive. [Skinner puts the car in reverse and backs up. The tire blows.] SKINNER: Shit. SCULLY: I suppose you don't have a spare. [He looks sheepish.] SKINNER: You'd better stay here while I go for help. There's a house right over there, they probably have a phone. SCULLY: You're not leaving me out here alone. Mulder always does that and then I get attacked by slime monsters and such. SKINNER: OK. SCULLY: Besides, the owner of that house might be a psychopathic killer, and I have a lot of experience with those. [SKINNER laughs.] [Both get out of the car and pick their way through the mud.] SCULLY: [sings] In the deepest blackness Of the darkest night There are aliens. There are scary creatures No matter what or how many guns you carry. [A flash of lightning, and we see the scary-looking castle.] SCULLY and SKINNER [singing] There's a Light There's a Light, light In the darkness Of everybody's nightmares. [They move up the driveway toward the house.] [CC's Study. He leans forward.] CC: And so it seemed that Scully and Skinner had found help... ...or had they? [Outside the castle. SKINNER rings the bell.] SCULLY: Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, sir. [The door creaks open and FROHIKE leers out at them.] FROHIKE: Hello. SKINNER: Oh...hello. My name is Walter Skinner ...and this is my friend, Dana Scully. Our car broke down. I wonder if you have a phone we might use? [From inside we hear partying sounds.] FROHIKE: [leering at SCULLY] You're wet. SCULLY: Yes...but not for you, you little perv. FROHIKE: I think you both better come....inside. [They walk in. The partying music gets louder.] SCULLY: Sir, just don't leave me alone with that guy. What kind of a place is this? SKINNER: Don't worry, Scully. It's probably just a meeting ground for UFO freaks. FROHIKE: You've arrived on a very special night. It's one of the master's affairs. SCULLY: [sourly] Oh, lucky him. It sounds spooky. LANGLY: [from the stairway] He's spooky, you're spooky, I'm spooky, we're all spooky! [SCULLY and SKINNER jump and stare at him.] [FROHIKE begins to sing.] FROHIKE: It's astounding Space is infinite Madness takes its toll But listen closely: Not for very much longer! I've got to keep control! [He begins to dance.] I remember doing the Time Warp... [LANGLY grins happily. SCULLY and SKINNER stare.] [The door to the ballroom is flung open and we move inside. The gathered guests turn and cry out in delight. SKINNER faints dead away. SCULLY kneels to revive him.] GUESTS: Let's do the Time Warp again! [They begin to do so. SCULLY and SKINNER move for the door but are stopped by LANGLY.] LANGLY: It's so dreamy Oh, aliens, scan me! Just don't unman me No, not at all! In another dimension With duplicitous intention You're completely skeptical Altogether rational... [He backs them into a corner.] You're spaced out on explanations Like you're under sedation. [He has forced them into the Ballroom and the GUESTS stare at them.] GUESTS: Let's do the Time Warp again! [SCULLY and SKINNER are dismayed.] [The band strikes up and we see BYERS, looking dapper in a tuxedo with top hat and cane. He begins a soft-shoe routine] BYERS: Well I was walking down the street Just having a think When a gray-skinned guy Gave me an alien wink. Well he beamed me up He took me by surprise He had a big spaceship And Reticulan eyes He stared at me And I felt a change Time meant nothing Never would again. GUESTS: Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again! [Cut to CC's Office: he is standing on the desk] CC: It's just a jump to the left! [He jumps to the left] [Back to the Ballroom] GUESTS: And then a step to the ri-i-ight! [Study] CC: With your hands on your hips [Ballroom] GUESTS: You bring your knees in tight! But it's the pelvic thrust [they gyrate] That really drives you insane. Let's do the Time Warp again! [They fall to the floor.] SCULLY: [poking Skinner] Say something! SKINNER: Say! Do any of you guys know the Macarena? [GUESTS stare at him in disgust.] [SCULLY and SKINNER begin backing away. Unseen by them, the elevator behind them is descending, bearing a figure in a black cape and killer four-inch stiletto heels, beating a slow tempo.] SCULLY: Sir, please let's get out of here. SKINNER: Keep a grip on yourself, Scully. SCULLY: But it seems so insane here. SKINNER: They're just...harmless believers Scully. SCULLY: Well I want to leave. SKINNER: We don't want to interfere with their celebration. SCULLY: This isn't the FBI Social Mixer sir. I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain skeptical! SKINNER: You're a scientist, there's nothing to worry about. [GUESTS rise, staring mesmerized at the elevator. SCULLY sees the shoe, looks up at the face of the wearer.] [SCULLY faints.] SKINNER: Dana? [He turns to revive her and spots the elevator.] [SCULLY and SKINNER stare in horror as the elevator doors open and MULDER sashays out, wrapped in a black satin cape.] MULDER: How do you do, I See you've met my Faithful Gunman. He's a little brought down- Because when you knocked He thought you were the aliens. [FROHIKE scowls.] Don't get strung out By the way I look in Speedos Don't judge a book by its cover. I'm not much of an agent By the light of day But by night I'm one hell of a lover! [He throws off his cape to reveal Spandex shorts and a T-Shirt reading "I Want to Believe."] MULDER: I'm just a sweet alien seeker >From alien-seeking Massachusetts! [He moves slowly back toward SCULLY and SKINNER.] Let me show you around, before we go to ground, You look like you're both pretty open-minded. Or if you want some proof, to back up the truth, We can see what the Gunmen have finded. [He turns and begins to greet the other guests as SKINNER tries to get his attention.] SKINNER: I'm glad we caught you at home. Could we use your phone? We're in a bit of a hurry. MULDER: You got caught with a flat? Well, how about that? Well sweeties, don't you panic! By the light of the night It'll all seem all right. I'll get you a satanic mechanic. [MULDER crosses to the stage and sits on his throne, the GUNMEN surrounding him.] MULDER: Why don't you stay for the night GUNMEN: Night! MULDER: Till the aliens alight GUNMEN: Alight! MULDER: I could show you my other obsession. I've been keeping a man With dark hair and a tan And he's good for relieving my tension. [He gets up] MULDER: I'm just a sweet alien seeker GUESTS: Alien seeker - MULDER: From alien-seeking MULDER AND GUESTS: Massachusetts! [He heads back to the elevator.] MULDER: So come up to the lab And see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici..... [SCULLY leans forward, her mouth slightly open in an inviting way] MULDER: .....pation. But maybe the rain is really to blame. MULDER: So I'll remove the cause...but not the symptoms. [The lift takes off with him. The GUNMEN start removing SCULLY and SKINNER's clothing. FROHIKE watches.] FROHIKE: Slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush. SKINNER: [to BYERS] Ah...hello. My name is Walter Skinner and this is Dana Scully. You are.... BYERS: You are very lucky to be invited up to Mulder's bedroom. He never sleeps there. Some people would give their right arm to see it. SKINNER: People like you, maybe. BYERS: Huh! I've seen it. [SKINNER, SCULLY and the GUNMEN squeeze into the lift and head up.] SCULLY: [to Langly] Is he - Mulder - is he your friend? [General amusement.] FROHIKE: Mulder has no friends, nor do I think he ever will. We are simply his coconspirators. SCULLY: Oh. [The elevator grinds to a halt. They have arrived at the lab.] [End part 1] Date: Mon Oct 07 23:25:40 1996 From: "joan the english chick" ***** Please do NOT send to atxc! ***** See disclaimer in part one. Rocky X By joan the english chick Part Two [MULDER, now in a white lab coat, stands in the middle of the room. The GUESTS are arranged on the balconies. Gargoyles adorn the walls. A large tank fills one end of the room. FROHIKE moves forward and hands MULDER a beer.] MULDER: Byers... MULDER: Langly... MULDER: ...go and assist Frohike. [The GUNMEN cross to behind the tank.] MULDER: I will entertain...ah...my coworkers. [SCULLY and SKINNER step out of the elevator.] SKINNER: Mulder, you have a lot of explaining to do. [MULDER ignores him, circling around them.] MULDER: Enchante'....and what lovely underclothes you both have. [SCULLY wears black lace panties and a silk bra; SKINNER wears tight Speedos] But here...put these on. [He hands them each a lab coat.] They'll make you feel less naked. [BYERS and LANGLY cross to the podium.] MULDER: It's not often we receive skeptics here, let alone offer them proof. SKINNER: Proof? All we wanted to do was to use your telephone. A reasonable request which you have chosen to ignore. [SKINNER pulls off his glasses] MULDER: How forceful you always are, Walter. Even when you refuse *my* requisition requests. Such a perfect specimen of bureaucracy. So dominant. [The GUNMEN laugh.] You must be awfully pleased with him, Scully. SCULLY: Well, yes I am. MULDER: Do you have any tattoos Walter? SKINNER: Certainly not! MULDER: Oh well. I know you don't Scully. [SKINNER raises an eyebrow] FROHIKE: Everything is in readiness, Mulder. We merely await your word. [MULDER shoves his half-empty beer bottle into FROHIKE's hand. FROHIKE goes to the control panel and MULDER to the podium.] MULDER: Tonight, my extraterrestrial Terrans, [BYERS and LANGLY laugh] you are to witness a breakthrough in the X-Files investigations. [Gasps] MULDER: And proof is to be mine. [Everyone applauds, including SKINNER, until SCULLY shoots him a dirty look.] MULDER: It was strange the way it happened. One of those quirks of fate really. One of those moments when you seem irredeemably lost; [he crunches a sunflower seed nervously] the Conspiracy has you at its mercy; its minions are everywhere; you panic; and then suddenly, you get a break. [Suggestively:] All the pieces seem to fit into place [FROHIKE laughs lewdly] and you see the answer was there all the time. It took a small accident to make it happen. An accident!!!! [BYERS and LANGLY step forward to calm him.] MULDER: That's how I discovered the secret, the elusive missing link, the truth that is behind all the lies. [GUESTS applaud] MULDER: You see, Walter and Dana, you are fortunate. For tonight is the night that my beautiful enemy is destined to be converted! [Wild applause. MULDER pulls the cover off the tank.] MULDER: Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator! And step up the reactor power input three more points! [FROHIKE works the control panels.] [Everyone watches with fascination as the form of KRYCEK rises out of the tank...hovers...and black oily stuff begins to ooze out of his eyes, mouth, nose...the oily stuff drips into the tank and coalesces...it almost seems to be alive, writhing in pain...] SKINNER: Dana... SCULLY: It's all right Walter. [The liquid drains away. KRYCEK is his usual self. The oily being in the tank moves but is unable to escape. MULDER climbs the ladder at one end of the tank, FROHIKE at the other.] [KRYCEK sits up and coughs. MULDER wipes a bit of sweat and oil from his forehead. KRYCEK stares at him and gasps. He begins to sing.] KRYCEK: The Sword of Damocles is coming into my bed And I've got the feeling someone's messing with my head. Oh, woe is me My life is a misery Oh, can't you see That I haven't got nearly enough condoms?.... [A lustful MULDER begins to chase KRYCEK around the room. Chaos erupts.] KRYCEK: I'll wake up next morning with a start, someone's in my bed GUESTS: That ain't no crime. KRYCEK: And left from my dreamin' there's a lustful feelin' I dread. GUESTS: That ain't no crime. KRYCEK: My high is low. I'm erect with no place to go. And all I know Is I haven't got nearly enough condoms.... [They continue to race around the room] GUESTS: [dancing] Sha la la la that ain't no crime Sha la la la that ain't no crime KRYCEK: No no no no. [Cut to CC's study.] CC: Krycek needed peace of mind. He didn't know he was doing the right thing. He was the pawn of another conspiracy. And as for feeling lust - Well, that's no crime. [Back to the lab. The number is ending. KRYCEK sits on the edge of the tank, naked but for his tiny Speedos. MULDER stands by the tank, with a great view of KRYCEK's abs. Both are panting.] MULDER: Well, that's no way to behave on your first day out of the closet. [KRYCEK looks sullen.] MULDER: But as you're such a valuable pawn to the conspiracy, I'm prepared to forgive. FROHIKE: He is a credit to your powers of persuasion, Mulder. MULDER: Yes. LANGLY: A triumph of your will. MULDER: Yes. BYERS: He's OK. [Everyone stares at him] MULDER: Okay? OKAY?? I think we can do better than that. You! [to SCULLY] What do you think? SCULLY: Well...[looks at SKINNER] I don't like men with...er, too much hair. MULDER: I didn't seduce him for you! [MULDER moves back to the microphone.] MULDER: In just seven days I can make you a believer! [The applause stops abruptly as, across the room, the large freezer door slowly creaks open....through it comes stalking the mysterious Mr. X, wearing a trench coat and carrying a harmonica. BYERS squeals with delight.] BYERS: X!!!!! X: Stay cool, baby. [KRYCEK looks terrified; MULDER angry.] X: [sings] Whatever happened to Friday night When you turned on the tube and you felt all right? It don't seem the same since those Fox jerks Switched me to Sunday night to do my work. [He puts his arm around BYERS] I used to lurk in garages for those secret meets And listen to the sound of running feet You couldn't run, you couldn't hide, cuz we ruled the streets And we'd take you out if we thought we had a reason! [BYERS rushes to the control panels and makes the lights start flashing and strobing. GUESTS go crazy, dancing and moshing. Even LANGLY and FROHIKE bop.] X: What a coverup, bless my soul! I really love my conspiracy role! [repeat] [MULDER is getting very angry. KRYCEK looks confused.] X: My head used to spin from the twisted plots My agents sometimes bumbled and they screwed up a lot. I'd see the big X on the window at your place And they'd whisper in my ear, "send him on a goose chase!" [He blows a riff on the harmonica] Get back to work and make sure it's all hid Can't reveal nothin' to that Mulder kid. With your finger in the pie you tried to hide what you did And you'd take anyone out if you thought you had a reason! [He launches a long impassioned harmonica solo.] X AND GUESTS: What a coverup, bless my soul! I really love my conspiracy role! [repeat] [MULDER sneaks into the big freezer and surreptitiously grabs an ice pick.] [As the song wraps up, MULDER rushes forward and stabs X in a demented fury. GUESTS stare in shock. BYERS screams and covers his face. SCULLY screams as well.] [MULDER walks slowly, calmly away from the corpse. LANGLY goes to him and removes his bloody gloves.] MULDER: One from the vaults. And so perish all those who reject my theories! [FROHIKE and LANGLY drag the body back into the freezer. KRYCEK looks nervous.] MULDER: Don't worry, my little pawn, you're much too uninformed to be destroyed. [KRYCEK and GUESTS look relieved.] MULDER: But a deltoid And a bicep, A hot groin And a tricep [Krycek shows off each of these] Makes me - ooh - shake, Makes me want to take Edgar Hoover By the ha-and. In just seven days ooh baby, MULDER AND GUESTS: I can make you a believer! MULDER: I don't want no dissension Just relieve my tension. In just seven days MULDER AND GUESTS: I can make you a believer! [FROHIKE pulls back a curtain, revealing MULDER's bed. The Wedding March plays. The GUESTS throw confetti. SCULLY and SKINNER stare at each other in shock as MULDER and KRYCEK stand by the bed and kiss passionately.] [Switch to CC's office] CC: There are some who say that ESP is an illusion, and that aliens are simply a figment of our imaginations! If this is so, then Scully and Skinner are quite safe. However, the sudden departure of their coworker and his new boytoy had left them feeling both apprehensive and horny. A feeling which grew as the other guests departed, and *they* were shown to their separate rooms. [Switch to SCULLY's room; red filter] [SCULLY stumbles and bumps into the Ouija board. She looks uneasy as she sits on the bed.] [Switch to SKINNER's room; blue filter] [SKINNER looks around apprehensively.] [Cut to Lab] FROHIKE and LANGLY switch on a monitor and observe SCULLY and SKINNER in their rooms.] [SCULLY's room - night. SCULLY is in bed; the room is dark.] [Knocking at the door.] SCULLY: Who is it? SKINNER'S VOICE: It's only me, Dana. [Scully sits up] SCULLY: Oh, Walter, come in. [A silhouette enters and crosses to the bed, climbing onto it behind the curtain. It begins to kiss SCULLY.] SCULLY: Ohh...sir....Mmm....oh yes....what if.... SKINNER'S VOICE: It's all right Dana. [SCULLY strokes SKINNER's bald head as they kiss. Suddenly the bald wig comes off in her hands. She shrieks] SCULLY: Mulder!!! MULDER: I'm afraid so Scully. But isn't it nice? [He kisses her again. She pushes at his chest.] SCULLY: You jerk, what have you done with Skinner? MULDER: Nothing. Why, do you think I should? SCULLY: You tricked me....I wouldn't have...we're partners! MULDER: I know. But it wasn't all bad was it? In fact I think you liked it. Much better than that fake-Amish guy. Mmm....[He begins kissing her again] SCULLY: Oh...oh....no....stop....I mean...I....Oh! WALTER!!! [MULDER puts his hand over her mouth] MULDER: Ssh, he's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see us like this? [He pulls her by the legs so that her crotch meets his] SCULLY: Ohh....this is all your fault Mulder. Three years I've been resisting your charms. MULDER: Well, why resist? [They fall onto the bed together.] [Cut to lab] [FROHIKE and LANGLY grin at each other. Then they turn and look at KRYCEK sleeping on the bed. FROHIKE walks over and glares at KRYCEK. He takes a copy of UFO Quarterly magazine from the floor, rolls it up and begins to hit KRYCEK with it. KRYCEK awakes, jumps up and runs out of the room. FROHIKE and LANGLY laugh evilly and give each other the Vulcan "Live Long and Prosper" sign.] [SKINNER's room: night. SKINNER lies on the bed.] [Knock at the door. A figure enters and sit on the edge of the bed.] SCULLY'S VOICE: [upset] Sir, it's no good staying here. It'll drive us insane. SKINNER: Don't worry Dana, we'll leave first thing in the morning. Hmm, you smell good. SCULLY'S VOICE: Oh...sir, don't do that. I'm saving myself. [SKINNER stops kissing her.] SKINNER: All right Dana...I understand. But maybe.... SCULLY: Yes....[she moves down between his legs] SKINNER: Ohhh....everything's going to be all right Dana. SCULLY: I hope so sir.... [SKINNER grabs her hair; it comes off. He yelps] SKINNER: Mulder!!! MULDER: I'm afraid so sir. But isn't it nice? SKINNER: Why you - what have you done with Scully??? MULDER: Nothing. Why, do you think I should? SKINNER: You tricked me...I wouldn't have...I'm your superior officer... MULDER: I know, but it wasn't all bad was it? In fact I think you were enjoying it. [caressing him] SKINNER: Ohhh....no....stop.... SKINNER: Ohh....DANA!!! MULDER: Shhh!! She's probably asleep by now...do you want her to see us like this? [Pulls SKINNER by the legs so their crotches meet] SKINNER: Ohhh....It's your fault! You're to blame! MULDER: Oh come on sir, admit it, you were enjoying it. There's no X-File in giving yourself over to pleasure. [caressing him] Scully needn't know, I won't tell her. SKINNER: You promise you won't tell anyone? MULDER: On my father's grave. [The monitor pops on and we see FROHIKE's face] FROHIKE: Mulder, Krycek has vanished. Your new boytoy is loose on the castle grounds. Langly has released his heat-seeking missiles. MULDER: Coming!! [Exterior of Castle; we see KRYCEK running around, looking bewildered, as little confused missiles chase him] [Int. Castle; SKINNER's room. MULDER is on the bed asleep. SKINNER paces, smoking nervously.] [SCULLY's room; SCULLY is on the bed] SCULLY: Oh, sir...what have I done? [She rises and heads for the Lab] [LAB: SCULLY steps off the elevator] SCULLY: If only I hadn't joined the X-Files! If only the car hadn't broken down! If only we were amongst scientists and rational people! [SCULLY switches on the monitor and sees SKINNER sitting on the bed beside MULDER asleep.] SCULLY: Oh! Sir! How could you?? [She hears a soft sound from the tank, which is covered. She lifts off the cover and finds KRYCEK hiding. He is dirty and bruised.] SCULLY: Oh...you're hurt! Did they do this to you? [KRYCEK nods.] Here, I'll bandage it. I'm a doctor, you know. [He smiles at her. A new calculating expression crosses her face.] [Cut to CC's Study] CC: [reading from a dictionary] Excitement...the state of being aroused by appropriate stimuli. It is also a powerful and irrational master, and from what Byers and Langly viewed on their monitor there was little doubt that Scully was indeed its slave. [BYERS' room] [BYERS and LANGLY are watching the monitor.] BYERS AND LANGLY: Tell us about it, Dana. [Lab] [KRYCEK is sitting in the tank; SCULLY bandages his wounds as she sings] SCULLY: I was feeling done in Couldn't win. I'd never really believed before. [BYERS' room] BYERS: You mean she never.... [LANGLY shakes his head. They both look in surprise at the monitor.] [Lab] SCULLY: I thought there's no use fighting Over UFO sightings It only leads to trouble and nail-biting. [She rips off pieces of her slip and uses them to wipe the grime from KRYCEK] SCULLY: Now all I want to know Is how to show I've seen the truth and I want more BYERS and LANGLY: More...more...more.... SCULLY: I'll put up no resistance I want to go the distance I've got a truth to prove And I need assistance.... [She grabs KRYCEK's hands and puts them on her breasts] Come on, come on, convince me I want to belie-ee-eve Show me, blow me, don't snow me Agent of the night! [BYERS and LANGLY laugh delightedly] [KRYCEK fondles SCULLY enthusiastically] SCULLY: Then if you show me proof [laughs seductively] Of that truth, I'll back you up, we'll stand them down BYERS and LANGLY: Down...down...down.... SCULLY: And that's just one small fraction Of the main attraction. You need a Bureau spy Oh, and I need action... Come on, come on, convince me I want to belie-ee-eve Show me, blow me, don't snow me Agent of the night! [BYERS' room: BYERS and LANGLY roll around on the bed, laughing and fondling each other in a parody of SCULLY's eagerness.] BYERS: Come on, come on, convince me LANGLY: I want to belie-ee-eve BYERS: Show me, blow me, don't snow me BOTH: Agent of the night! [LAB] SCULLY: Come on, come on, convince me I want to belie-ee-eve Show me, blow me, don't snow me Agent of the night! [As KRYCEK lowers himself on top of SCULLY we see SCULLY's point of view as all the characters sing the last line] KRYCEK: Agent of the night. SKINNER: Agent of the night. MULDER: Agent of the night. BYERS: Agent of the night. FROHIKE: Agent of the night. LANGLY: Agent of the night. KRYCEK: Agent of the night. SCULLY: Agent of the night....Ooh! [end part 2] Date: Mon Oct 07 23:25:51 1996 From: "joan the english chick" ***** Please do NOT send to atxc! ***** "Rocky X" By joan the english chick Part Three [Outside Lab...MULDER smacks FROHIKE with a rolled-up copy of the National Enquirer as FROHIKE howls in anguish. SKINNER follows behind.] FROHIKE: Mercy! MULDER: How did this happen? You were supposed to be watching! FROHIKE: I was only away for a moment, Mulder! MULDER: Well, see if you can find him on the monitor. [FROHIKE turns on the monitor and we see an elderly man puffing on a cigarette. He is outside the castle, peering around stealthily.] FROHIKE: Mulder, we have a visitor. [All look.] SKINNER: Good God....it's him. MULDER: You know this....conspirator. SKINNER: I certainly do, I have to work with the bastard. MULDER: I see. So this wasn't a chance meeting. You came here with a purpose! SKINNER: I told you, my car broke down. I was telling the truth. [MULDER looks him hard in the eye.] MULDER: I know what you told me, Walter. But this man is not unknown to me. SKINNER: He's a very high-ranking member of the- MULDER: Of the conspiracy, yes. But who does he really work for? For the aliens, isn't that true? SKINNER: It might be. I don't know. MULDER: Hmm. He'll probably be in the B&D Room. [Shot of CANCERMAN in the B&D Room, curiously examining a butt plug.] [Lab] MULDER: Well, let's ask him. [He throws a switch. On the monitor we see CANCERMAN running after his cigarette as it moves up the stairs, drawn by an invisible force. He ends up in the Lab, still clutching the cigarette which is magnetically stuck to the wall by MULDER'S switch.] SKINNER: Sir! CANCERMAN: Skinner! What are you doing here? MULDER: Don't play games, you black-lunged freak. You know perfectly well what Walter Skinner is doing here. It was part of the plan, was it not, that he and my partner should check the layout for you. Well, unfortunately for you all, the plans are to be changed. I hope you're adaptable - I know Skinner is. [He smirks and licks his lower lip. SKINNER blushes and shuffles his feet.] CM: I can assure you that AD Skinner's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. I came here to find X. [MULDER throws the switch and CancerMan's cig is released.] SKINNER: X?! I've seen him, he's- MULDER: [interrupting] What do you know of X? CM: [calmly, puffing on his cigarette] I happen to know a great deal about everything. You see, X happens to be my illegitimate half-brother. SKINNER: No! [We hear a gasp from the covered tank. MULDER strides over to it and throws back the cover, revealing SCULLY and KRYCEK in flagrante delicto.] CANCERMAN: Scully! SCULLY: You! SKINNER: Dana! SCULLY: Walter! MULDER: Alex! CANCERMAN: Scully! SCULLY: You! SKINNER: Dana! SCULLY: Walter! MULDER: Alex! CANCERMAN: Scully! SCULLY: You! SKINNER: Dana! SCULLY: Walter! MULDER: Alex! [KRYCEK shoots MULDER a dirty look and puts his arm around SCULLY. MULDER is appalled.] MULDER: Listen honey, I fucked you, and I can screw you just as easily! [KRYCEK looks scared; he takes his arm from SCULLY.] MULDER: That's better. [We hear a gong and LANGLY appears] LANGLY: Mulder, dinner is served. MULDER: Excellent. [He glares at SCULLY, who is practically naked] Under the circumstances, dress is to be optional. [Switch to the Dining Room. MULDER, SKINNER, SCULLY, CANCERMAN, KRYCEK and BYERS sit around the table. FROHIKE and LANGLY bring in the meal. LANGLY splashes wine in everyone's glass and MULDER rises.] MULDER: A toast....to absent siblings. [SCULLY pouts] EVERYONE: Absent siblings. [MULDER carves the meat and hands it out. When everyone is served, he sits.] CANCERMAN: We came here to discuss X. BYERS: X?! [MULDER glares at him; he shuts up.] MULDER: I'm afraid that's a rather tender topic at the moment. [Everyone but KRYCEK looks suspiciously at their food. SCULLY glares at KRYCEK, who has been stuffing his face. He pauses and swallows] KRYCEK: Hey...yuk! I hate tofu! [BYERS rises and runs out of the room, sobbing.] CANCERMAN: I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I imagined. [Sings] >From the day he was recruited he was trouble. He was the thorn In his superior's side. We tried in vain. [CC's Study] CC: But he never caused us anything but bad ratings. [Dining Room] [CANCERMAN produces a case file folder, opening it to an old photo of a smiling woman with two little boys, one white and one black] CM: He left home the day she died. >From the day she was gone All he wanted [he turns the page to a photo of X in a trenchcoat, holding a gun] Was to join the conspiracy. [photo of X kneeling by a corpse] He was a low down Nasty little conspirator. Taking everyone for a ride. ALL: When X said he didn't like the leaders You knew he'd make a great little pawn. But when he threatened to go Strike out on his own SKINNER: What a guy. SCULLY: Makes you lie. CANCERMAN: And I did. [Cut to BYERS' room; he is lying on his bed staring at a photo of X] BYERS: Everybody knew him I very nearly blew him I said, hey, listen to me Stay out of that conspiracy But he handcuffed me And threw away the key. [He sobs] [Dining room] CANCERMAN: But he must have been drawn into something, making him warn me in a note which reads: [CM produces the note and reads] [X's voice] I'm out in the field Oh hurry, or my blood's congealed! They mustn't learn that awful secret truuuuuuth.... ALL: When X said he didn't like the leaders You knew he'd make a great little pawn. But when he threatened to go Strike out on his own MULDER: What a guy. SCULLY: Makes you lie. CANCERMAN: And I did. [MULDER suddenly pulls away the tablecloth to reveal a glass coffin containing the remains of X, lying on a bed of brown rice and chick peas, clutching a carrot.] MULDER: He wasn't a vegetarian!!! [SCULLY looks shocked. SKINNER screams. LANGLY and FROHIKE laugh. CANCERMAN backs up as SCULLY runs into KRYCEK's arms and MULDER advances on them.] MULDER: Oh Alex, how could you! [KRYCEK smiles weakly. MULDER slaps SCULLY and she runs out of the room, with MULDER in pursuit.] MULDER: I'll show you facts, I'll show you proof You better wise up You've seen the truth! [He chases her up the stairs and down the hall toward the Lab. SKINNER and CANCERMAN follow.] MULDER: I've laid the seed It should be all you need. You're a doctor [to SKINNER] I never mocked her! [to SCULLY] Wound up like a ship bound for Mars When we made it Did you see stars? [They run into the Lab. MULDER heads for the control panel.] MULDER: I showed you facts, I showed you proof You better wise up You've seen the truth! [He slams the lever down] The transducer Will seduce ya! SCULLY: My feet! I can't move my feet! [SKINNER tugs at his feet, which are stuck to the floor] [CANCERMAN attempts to lift his foot] MULDER: You are so quick with skepticism, you tiny fools. SCULLY: We're rational! MULDER: It's something you'll get used to. A little mind fuck can be nice. [He grabs her butt. SCULLY yelps.] CANCERMAN: You won't find the Conspiracy quite the easy mark you imagine. This sonic transducer - it is, I suppose, some kind of audio-vibratory physiomolecular stimulation device.... SKINNER: You Mean....?! CANCERMAN: Yes Walter. It's something we ourselves have been working on for quite some time. A multiple-person vibrator. But it seems our friend Mulder has found a way of perfecting it. SCULLY: You mean he's going to fuck us all? MULDER: Fuck, Schmuck, Starbuck! [He circles around her, caressing her thighs while she tries to fight him off.] MULDER: I'll show you facts I'll show you proof You better wise up, Build your thighs up, You've seen the truth! [CC's Study] CC: And then she cried out - [Lab] SCULLY: STO-O-O-OP! [MULDER is startled by her scream] MULDER: Don't get hot and flu-huh-stered Use a bit of mustard. SKINNER: You're a believer, But you better not Try to control her Mister Mulder. [MULDER signals to LANGLY, who pulls the switch. SKINNER is transformed into a statue.] CANCERMAN: You're a believer, But you better not Try to control her Mister Mulder. [MULDER signals again; CM is a statue.] SCULLY: You're a believer- [MULDER signals. SCULLY is stone.] [BYERS runs forward.] BYERS: I can't take any more of this! First you spurn me for X, then you cast him off like an old trenchcoat for Krycek. You chew people up and then you spit them out! I believed in you. Did you hear me, I believed in you! And what did it get me? I'll tell you: Nothing. Not even a better Internet connection. You take take take and drain others of all their beliefs and convictions! Well, I've had enough. You have to choose between me and Krycek - so named because of someone's obsession with the Night Stalker! [MULDER signals. LANGLY turns BYERS to stone.] MULDER: It's not easy revealing the truth. [He leans against the wall; LANGLY and FROHIKE are sympathetic] MULDER Maybe I made a mistake splitting the work between the two of them. LANGLY: When will we return to the basement? I grow weary of this castle. MULDER: Langly, I am indeed grateful to you and Frohike - you have both served me well - information such as yours must be rewarded. You will discover when the mood takes me that I can be quite generous. [FROHIKE and LANGLY scowl] LANGLY: I ask for nothing, Mulder. MULDER: And you shall receive it in abundance! [He goes to the elevator.] Come....we are ready for the floor show. Our guests will be growing restless. [He leaves in the elevator. LANGLY and FROHIKE exchange a secretive smile.] [CC's Study] CC: And so, by some extraordinary coincidence - it seemed fate had decided that Skinner and Scully should meet up with Cancerman after all. But it was in a situation none of them could possibly have foreseen. And just a few hours after attending a wedding, Skinner and Scully had both tasted forbidden fruit. This in itself was proof that their coworker was a man of little morals and some persuasion. What further indignities were they to be subjected to? And what of the floor show that had been mentioned? In an empty house.... In the middle of the night... What Diabolical Plan had seized Mulder's crazed imagination? What indeed. From what had gone before it was clear that this was to be No Picnic. [Cut to BALLROOM; the statues are on stage and MULDER is dressing them in trenchcoats, black lace, leather, feather boas, etc., having a great time with it. He pulls the De-Medusa lever.] [BYERS unfreezes and comes to life.] BYERS: It was great when it all began I was a regular X-Files fan But it was over when that Cancer Man Started working on the secret plan. Now the only thing that gives me lines Is a cameo from time to time. Blue tints my world, keeps me off of the TV Screen. [MULDER throws the switch and KRYCEK comes to life.] KRYCEK: I'm just a few episodes old Truly beautiful to behold. And somebody should be told My career hasn't been controlled. Now the only thing I've come to trust Is the power of Mulder's lust. Censors hide my world, keep me off of the TV Screen. [SKINNER is animated.] SKINNER: It's beyond me Help me Mommy! I'll understand some day Take this job away What's this, let's see I feel sexy What's come over me Ooh...here it comes again. [SCULLY is animated and begins to vamp] SCULLY: I feel released Like I believe My confidence has increased The truth is here The game's gone on without me But now it'll be about me Mulder's lip is cute and pouty His lust is so sincere. [The curtain rises higher and the camera pulls back to reveal the Fox Television logo and MULDER dressed as Dennis/Denise from Twin Peaks] MULDER: What ever happened to Samantha That little girl I knew As she glowed with light How I froze with fright For I wanted to be taken just the same.... [The floor opens up to reveal a swimming pool. MULDER beckons to the others and they respond as if drugged.] MULDER: Give yourself over to belief and pleasure Eat the red apple of knowledge and sin Erotic nightmares Beyond any measure And sensual daydreams To treasure forever. [They all get into the pool and begin groping and kissing each other.] ALL: Don't think it, believe it. Don't think it, believe it. [CANCERMAN belatedly animates and looks at the scene in the pool] CANCERMAN: We've got to get out of this mindset before this belief saps our wills. I've got to be strong and try to hang on. Or else my lungs may well collapse. [SKINNER surfaces] SKINNER: It' s beyond me Help me, mommy! [He is pulled back under, and SCULLY appears] SCULLY: God Bless Morgan and Wong.... [MULDER bursts out of the water on KRYCEK's shoulders] MULDER: My my my, my my my my I'm a wild and an untamed guy I'm a man with a secret file Get the truth and your mind goes zing, Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing. So let the party and the plots go on Gonna shake it till the lies are gone. Blue tints my world, keeps me on that TV Screen. [He jumps back in the pool.] ALL: He's a wild and an untamed guy He's a man with a secret file Get the truth and your mind goes zing, Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing. [They get out of the pool and form a kick line] So let the party and the plots go on Gonna shake it till the lies are gone. Blue tints my world, keeps me on that TV Screen. [Suddenly the door at the far end slam open and we see FROHIKE and LANGLY dressed in military style and holding Uzis. They applaud slowly and sarcastically. Everyone on the stage freezes, terrified.] FROHIKE: Mister Mulder It's all over Your X-Files are a failure Your theories too extreme. [MULDER looks stricken.] FROHIKE: I'm your new commander. You now are my prisoner. [The others run for cover] We return to Massachusetts. [to LANGLY] Prepare the limousine. [LANGLY turns to leave.] MULDER: Wait!!!!! I can explain! [MULDER moves slowly to center stage. BYERS goes to operate the lights and SKINNER the curtain. The GUESTS reappear, in the seats.] MULDER: On the day Sam went away GUESTS: Goodbye. MULDER: Was all I had to say. GUESTS: Now I MULDER: Want her back so I can say GUESTS: My, my, my MULDER: Please forgive me, and she may. I've seen alien ships Through the clouds in the sky And I realize She's really gone She's really gone [He falls to his knees] Everywhere it's been the same. GUESTS: Feeling MULDER: Like I'm outside in the rain. GUESTS: Seeing MULDER: Things that no one else can tame GUESTS: Dealing MULDER: Dealt a hand I can't explain I've seen alien ships Through the clouds in the sky And I realize She's really gone She's really gone [LANGLY, who has been idly combing his long hair, looks up with a bored expression.] LANGLY: How sentimental. FROHIKE: And also presumptuous of you. You see, when I said "we" were to return to Massachusetts, I referred only to Langly and myself. [MULDER is appalled] FROHIKE: You see, you are to remain here, to carry on with the X-Files. SKINNER: You mean you're going to leave him here? Without any answers? CANCERMAN: You saw what happened to X. There must be a scapegoat. FROHIKE: Exactly. Now, Mister Mulder, your time has not yet come. Say goodbye to all of this and hello to Washington. [BYERS runs frantically onto the stage and FROHIKE shoots him. SCULLY screams. FROHIKE fires at MULDER, who runs off. KRYCEK yells with anguish and runs after him.] LANGLY: I thought you liked him. He liked you. FROHIKE: [screechy Richard O'Brien voice] He didn't like me! He never liked me! CANCERMAN: You did the right thing. [SKINNER and SCULLY back away, apprehensive.] FROHIKE: A decision had to be made! CANCERMAN: [placating] And you made it. You were right. FROHIKE: I'm sorry about your half-brother. CANCERMAN: Well, it was for the best. [SCULLY and SKINNER flee] FROHIKE: [to LANGLY] Our noble mission is nearly completed, my brother. Soon we will return to the dank and dusty womb of our basement. LANGLY: Ahh, sweet basement - land of night - and we will do the Time Warp again! [Exterior of the castle; we hear eerie laughter as SKINNER and SCULLY run away.] SKINNER: I've done a lot God knows I've tried To keep him safe - I've even lied. But all I know is down inside I'm horny. SCULLY: And super agents Come to look To read the book Without any luck And all I know Is still my partner Is horny. [She and SKINNER lean on each other for support as they stare at the castle. The view begins to spin.] <[Audience uses hands to "turn" the picture]> [Dissolve to Chris Carter's study; he is watching the globe spin. He puts out a hand and stops it.] CC: And working in the FBI Some agents who will do or die Lost in time.... And lost in space.... And meaning. [He turns and goes to the door, switches off the light.] CC: Meaning. [He leaves. Only the glow of the globe remains.] All Done! Bye-Bye!