From: Hinton3944@aol.com
Date: Mon, 7 Sep 1998 17:26:08 EDT
Subject: Vignette

Title: Ronin Interlude:Insanity
Author:Doc
E-Mail:Hinton3944
Rating: PG
Keywords:Angst, Mulder/Scully UST
Division:Vignette,Angst
Summary:Scully ponders her psyche as she rots in her cell in New York. Takes
place during Ronin Interlude:The Rock. However this story is a stand alone.
	
	
	As I lay, rotting in my dismal cell. I ponder my life, and my
insanity. 
	When I was younger I had considered insanity a gift. A gift given
to those who could not live with their pain and suffering. A gift given
reluctantly.  When he disappeared that gift was given to me. It came
silently in the night, as I lay on my couch, immersed in my drunken
sorrows. I had embraced the madness that night, letting it wash over me
like the warm waters of the ocean.  Letting it cleanse me. 
	It did its job only for a brief moment. For a few seconds all I
felt was the hot alcohol in my throat, and the worn couch beneath my
flesh. Then as soon as the "gift" insanity washed over me, the "curse"
insanity came. 
	That night lunacy was like the ocean and its deep waves. As soon
as one part washed over me, the second part raced into me. It drowned me
with its intensity. I struggled to stay afloat in the sea of madness, but
my mind acted like weights, and pulled me into the sightless depths. 
	The next day I awoke. I raced to the informant's office and begged
for him.  The informant refused me. Ordered me away. Another wave of
derangement slammed into me. I lost myself in its comforting waters and I
attacked the woman.  With my words filled with craziness I pulled a gun
and ordered the information. I got my way. But that time I was not pulled
back onto the shore of lucidity. 
	Few people have seen me enter madness. When I enter it is always
for a brief time. I use it as a tool, get my answers and leave.
	A man in Pennsylvania had seen my insanity. He had cowered in the
corner as I released a wave of anger at him. Twenty nine years of pent up
emotion had rushed forth in only a few words. The combination of my family
member's death, and his near death had added to my fury. 
	That Pennsylvania convict had been the first to see into the
depths of my mania. He had seen it and he had been scared. I will forever
remember the look of shock on his face when I cursed his name and swore
that I would kill him myself. He had been a deer caught in the headlights.
He had had no way out, so he valiantly confronted his fate. Hoping
desperately to take his attacker with him. As soon as he spoke to me, I
saw his face and broke into tears. Whether tears of sadness, regret, fear,
or insanity. I do not know. All I know is that I cried and the insanity
ran away with the salty liquid on my face. 
	Another time the madness had crept into me, as I faced a man I had
trusted.  There had been a short Mexican Standoff, then I had been jumped.
Once again the insanity had washed over me. It had served as my armor
against the madness of life. I had fallen into it and let it sweep me
away.
	Moments before I pulled the trigger to end the life of the man I
no longer trusted, he had come in. With the sight of him I had come up for
the air of sanity. My madness then drained away in his comforting hug. 
	Both of those times he had been there, he had served as my
lifesaver in my sea of madness. He had taken away the madness I reveled
and feared. But now, he is gone. 
	Yes, he still lives, but he does not know me, and I do not see
him. This time my lifesaver floated away, leaving me alone to drown in the
mania of my life and mind.