From: Fiducia Nessuno Date: Mon, 27 Jul 1998 03:40:56 +0000 Subject: HUMOR: "Roomies" (1/1) - PG, H. Hi all. This is a bit of schmutz that accomplishes nothing. I am extremely bored, it's really hot today and my hair is misbehaving. So I'm writing fluffy-humor-fic. Whee. DISCLAIMER: Let's look in my wallet, shall we? Okay, see this here? This says I'm not Chris Carter. And this gaping, dusty, empty space here indicates that I don't own these characters. Yadda yadda yadda, 1013, blah blah blah, Fox, bibbidi bobbidi boo. Although Agent Ahmad is a friend of mine, so she belongs to her Paki-Ass self. :) So does Agent Aderholdt, who is the original SoHo. Also, this little brain-fart of mine is based on a gag from the strip Bloom County, by Berke "Genius" Breathed. If you've never read Bloom County, I suggest you crawl out from under your rock once in a while. :) Warning: Reading this will cost five minutes of your life that you will *never* get back. ---- "This is stupid," Scully says. "Oh relax," Agent Ahmad says, handing her a room key. "There's some convention in town and not enough rooms for everyone. So we have to share. Get over it." Scully sneers. "You're not sharing with someone who snores," she says. "Wanna bet?" she rolls her eyes and nods to Agent Aderholdt, who's busy raiding the front desk for pens, notepads, and extra little bottles shampoo. Mulder sidles up to Scully. "Hallo, roomie." Scully looks at Ahmad. "Help me." "You're on your own, cowgirl," she says with a wink. "Use protection." She darts away before Scully can get her. "Awe, Scully," Mulder says as they let themselves into their room. "It's gonna be fine, you'll see, we ---" Both agents stop short and stare. The room is a single, with one queen-sized bed. Scully drops her forehead into her hand and whimpers. "I'll take the floor," she says, pulling at one of the pillows. Mulder frowns. "You will not," he says. "We're both adults, we can share a bed. Who's going to care?" "I dunno..." Scully says. "I'd rather be on the floor." "Look, we have a raid tomorrow," Mulder says, sternly. "Do you want to wake up stiff and sore?" "Good point. You take the floor." "Stop it. We'll share the bed, alright?" "Alright, fine, we'll share the fucking bed!" Scully kicks off her shoes and lays down on the left side of the mattress. Mulder nods and disappears into the bathroom for a shower. Scully closes her eyes and pretends that she's back home, on the couch, reading a Laurie Colwin novel with Springsteen on the stereo. Slowly, she finds herself starting to doze off. The bathroom door opens and Scully's eyes fly open. Mulder comes out, in a towel, and pulls back the covers. Scully shivers. This is not happening. This is not happening. This is not happening. "Relax," Mulder says, dropping the towel to reveal a pair of boxers. He reaches into his knapsack and pulls on a t-shirt. "Tonight, for you," he says, getting into the bed and pulling the blankets up to his chin. He rolls over with his back to Scully, who says a silent prayer of thanks. Scully gets up and heads off to the bathroom to brush her teeth. When she returns in her pajamas, Mulder is asleep and rattling the rafters. Scully crawls in, pulls the covers over her and scoots as far away from her partner as possible. Despite the noise, she eventually drifts off. - Blink. Mulder sits straight up, eyes wide open. He looks around, confused by his surroundings. He's in a hotel room, but there's someone in bed with him. Phoebe? Diana? Agent Chapman? The figure is mumbling. Nope. It's Scully. Scully?!? He taps Scully on the shoulder. "Whassa?" Scully looks up from where she was drooling on the pillow. "You were talking in your sleep," Mulder says. "Really?" she yawns. "What about?" "Well," Mulder figits, uneasily. "First you said something about his lips, then about Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf. Then you said something about "it's time to get the cookies." "Go on?" Scully's eyes open wider. "And then you reached over and pinched my butt." Scully stares. "No." Mulder swallows. "Yes'm." Scully breaks into a grin. "Cool." Mulder grabs his pillow and throws off the covers. "I'm sleeping in the bathtub." -End- Feedback should be directed to Fiducia Nessuno, c/o Nepal, where she will be herding yaks for the rest of her life. "The truth is in his pants." - me.