Date sent: Sun, 07 Dec 1997 11:11:55 -0600 From: Spookyfoxx Subject: "Run Away" Title: Run Away Author: SpookyFox Rating: G Classification: Vignette/Angst Spoilers: Memento Mori Keyword: Mulder/Scully UST Summary: From Scully's point of view, she looks back upon the past, and realizes something that she must finally do, even if it hurts. Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully don't belong to me. They are the creations and property of Chris Carter, Fox, and 1013 Productions, and have been used without permission. Feedback: I would appreciate all and any opinions, comments, harassments. This is my first attempt at writing fan fic, and all positive criticism will be taken. E-mail me at * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Ever since my involvement with the FBI, I've come across numerous realities, and shocking answers to questions that I never would have dreamed of asking. The laws of what we know of today, in science, in physics, in of nothing else, sanity, have all been questioned. Perhaps the most shocking reality that I have come across, is that of myself. My faith, my trust, and my purpose in life... my role in life. Doubts in myself, doubts in others. The day that changed everything for me was the day when I was asked to be assigned with Special Agent Fox Mulder. That day I realized something. That nothing is as it appears to be. From every day after that, the mystery that surrounded that fact became clearer and clearer to me. I remember walking into that basement office, wondering why I was the one to run this pathetic goose chase. Winning brownie points, I do believe is what a told myself. From the moment I met him, I knew that he wasn't like everyone else that I've met. Something in his eyes told me more then he could answer. Yeah... he has his witty remarks.. trying to play it cool, perhaps trying to intimidate me with his extreme theories. And of course, they did nothing but amuse me...perhaps pity the man who worked in the basement. I've been with that man for 4 years now.. and nothing but amazement has come from them. Agent Mulder is so much more then what I granted him. I've seen what lies, and guilt, distrust and despair can do to a human. I still pity him. But from a different angle. I remember that night, as I lay in the hospital bed. Agent Mulder sat beside me in the darkness. I was diagnosed with cancer, and now it was starting to take it's toll. I had been asleep when muffled sounds stirred me to consciousness. Barely opening my eyes, I saw the strongest man in the world weeping at my side. His large frame bobbed up and down so slightly, and I could tell he was trying to keep as silent as he could. His tears fell from his face onto my hand. They were warm and moist. And as he sat there, hunched on the ground, I saw into his soul. I could feel myself breaking down as well. To know what pain and sorrow another person was going through, someone as close to you as he was to me...it makes everything else so trivial. So here I am now. Clothes packed neatly in a black leather suitcase and a plane ticket to Missouri in my hand. I've asked myself a hundred times, why? Why am I running away? Especially when I know that he needs me so much. Maybe that's just why. I've learned alot from my partner. To never give up. To continue trying hurts more then settling for what you have. I hope above every other hope that Agent Mulder finds what he's looking for. In my personal opinion, what he finds will be more disappointing then a search that never ends. I pulled up into a an empty space in front of his apartment building. It was nine o'clock, and the breeze of that fall evening was rustling dead leaves across the barren street. The trees swayed back and forth ever so slightly, as though threatening to snap in two, and the brightness of the full moon played with beams of light that fell onto the world below. I wasn't sure why I was here. I knew that if I went into to tell him the truth, he would try and convince me to stay. I had no doubt in my mind that he would be able to pursued my decision. If I had left without a word, there would be a lingering guilt hanging in my mind. The choice was made. I climbed slowly up the stairs that lead to the floor of his apartment room. The air was chilled, although still. Huge shades of darkness hid in the recess of each corner. The steps creaked underneath every step. It made an eerie noise that bounced off the walls of the silent stairwell. As I reached my destination, I stopped and tried to gather the courage of confronting him. In my mind, I thought of many ways to start the conversation but each way just made me looking like a fool. I was leaving. I would start like that. Then tell him obvious reasons why. Surely, he'd question them, and when he did, I would tell him the truth. Then he will argue and from there, I wasn't so sure how the rest would go. I couldn't let him pursued my decision. I clenched my hand into a fist and slowly brought it up to the door. I knocked sofly. As I waited, I could hear a grumble from within. Then footsteps coming toward my direction. A lock unlatched, and the doorknob turned. I held my breath trying to contain my anxiety. "Knock, knock", I had uttered stupidly. I had no idea what I was thinking at that moment. Just the sight of him caught me off guard. He was wearing a pale blue long sleeve sweatshirt and blue jeans. His white socks were dingy, and his hair playfully ruffled. He looked a bit tired, but greeted me with a smile. Like he always had. "What a nice suprise, Scully, c'mon in." At that moment, I wondered if he had any notion of what he was about to be hit with. I started to feel guilty for barging in on him, to make that gorgeous smile disappear. I sat on his black leather sofa, which he was more then likely laying on before I arrived. He sat on his coffee table directly in front of me, at eye level. His huge hazel eyes gazed right into me. "So what's up?" He had no idea. "Well, I came here tonight to tell you something." I hesitated. I had forgotten my lines. I sighed in frustration. I tried to find the words I was looking for in my feet, but they provided no clues. "Ok." Such an innocent response. "I've known you for quite some time now. I've been working on the X-Files for quite sometime. It was my first assignment, you know that." "Yeah.." I could see confusion building up in his eyes, and every word made an eyebrow rise. I tried to look past him, to avoid those eyes. Shadows from a television blinked patternless against a wall. No sound emanated from it, but the blue shadows were loud. A small light was on a stand in the further corner. He had turned it on as I had walked into the room. "Well, I never really had the chance to use all my abilities that I have learned throughout my years in training on the X-Files project... and.." "Scully, what are you saying?" Well, the cool facade quickly melted away as my plan `A'. With a huge sigh, I gave him the answer to the question he posed. "I'm leaving the X-Files." I prepared for whatever response I had in store for me. I played with the cross that hung on a gold chain from my neck hoping that by that action, it would relieve some of the tension I was holding. "Why?" The question was of a boy asking why he had to go to the doctors, why he had to eat all his green beans, why his sister was stolen from him. I shuddered thinking about Samantha. But, I continued. "Well, I was offered a position in Missouri. A pathologist. It's in a small town, a nice way to settle down. Maybe look into other aspects of my life." All the things I had said had been true, but that extra added bit I kept closely to myself. "Scully, you have a great job here!," his voice was loudening with every word, "and you can settle down. What do you want to do? Write? Start a craft store? Baby-sitting? You can still do whatever you want, but I need you here." Those last few words had taken me by suprise a little. He need me? In what way? "Mulder, what can't you do that you would need me for?" I had pinned him with a question like that. Good question. I liked that question. He feebled around for an answer. He ran his hand through his ruffled dark hair, perhaps hoping an answer would drop out of it. The digital alarm clock on the stand next to the lamp read 9:34. Time sure flies when your telling one of the most important people in your life that you're running out on him. "I... you have special talents to the X-Files." Pathetic attempt. I knew it. He knew it. It was time to end this charade. "Mulder, I have been through alot of things with you. I've seen things that I have never seen before. It doesn't give me any answers though. Only more questions." One deep breath... here we go.. "Mulder.. Seeing you.. on this.. chase. Chase for the answers.. it.. hurts me." I could see him gulping. His eyebrows pointing upwards. He swallowed again before speaking. "I... never knew that you felt this way." His voice was shallow and very soft. He didn't look direcly at me anymore. He kept his focus busy on objects around the room. "I care about you, Mulder. More than you will ever know." I sighed slowly as the air quivered from my lungs. "That's why I have to leave." I had said it. I couldn't believe that it came from my own lips, but I had said it. I heard the words, the voice, but I couldn't believe that it was coming from me. I didn't want to leave him. He looked at me so helplessly. I didn't want to go. But I knew that I couldn't stay. A long pause followed my last statement. I could hear the wind blow against his window. The TV remained a flashy oracle of light. I had twisted my necklace into many bundles, and now I finally released the pressure, not wanting to break it. Then it hit me. I was really leaving him. I had always thought about it. Lately, every night was spent upon wondering what would happen if I stayed, and what would happen if I left. This man who sat before me, with so much emotion built up inside, of fear, hate, guilt.. I was leaving him. To fend for himself against the cruel world. I felt selfish for leaving. I felt terrible knowing that he blamed my leaving on himself. But this was my own life. This was important to me. I glanced up at him. He was bitting his bottom lip. I could tell that he knew he was going to be alone to fight this crusade. An incredible weight to be placed upon so already weak shoulders. I saw him breath in and out deeply a few times. "You're serious about this?" His voice cracked with every word. The sound of his voice suprised me more then it did him. He was holding back. His eyes shimmered with a watery gleam. I hated it when he held back like this. Then I realized that I was doing it myself. "Yeah.." I puckered my lips to keep them from turning downwards, but the muscles in them were fighting me so hard. I swallowed hard to try to maintain my composure. I stared into his eyes, and he did into mine. They were squinted, trying to fight back the tears. The tears that I had caused. I was so selfish. "Scully.." The word came out as an exhale. I saw the tear creeping into the corner of his eye, starting to take shape. In an instant, the tear fell from that eye and rolled onto his cheek. It was slow in it's descent following every contour of his handsome features. It reached to his chin, and there it stopped. Clinging onto it's oh so new world, not wanting to go any further. Afraid of what might be beyond the comfort of Mulder's face. Unlike that tear, I had to see what else there was. I reached out my hand, which was noticeably shaking, and wiped my thumb over the tear. My hand rested carefully on his cheek, as I noticed new ones forming in those pain filled, hazel eyes. "You'll be alright." I could barely hear the words that I whispered. I knew that he could hear them. Tears started to form in my own eyes as I realized that what I said was a lie. He would not be alright. I leaned over and hugged him tightly. His body was warm, and it was soothing. He sobbed, which in turn made me sob as well. I stroked the back of his head hoping to send a false message of security to him. I held onto him tighly for what seemed like hours. All the pain that he built up, he was finally releasing. It must be hard to be Mulder, I thought. So hard. To take blame for his sister's disappearance so many years ago, for his father's death, for my sister's death, for my cancer, and now my leaving. I gently let go of Mulder. He wiped at his nose with the back of his sleeve. It forced a weak smile from me, and then from him when he had realized what he had done. I wiped at the tears that had streaked down his face. "I have to go now." If I stayed any longer, I would never leave. "When will you come back?" The question burned at my heart. I didn't want to answer. "I'm not." His eyes glistened once more, but this time, no tears formed. He said no words. Instead he looked straight into my eyes, and leaned in towards me ever so carefully. I closed my eyes before I realized what was happening. His lips were salty and warm. They soothed my weary soul. I wished that they would remain there forever. Everything that he ever wanted to say was told in that moment. I knew everything that he meant, and I think they he knew too. It was a good feeling. In what seemed like a second, he was back to his original position on the table. I looked at those eyes once more. I was going to miss seeing them most of all. I stood up and walked slowly towards the door. He followed me. He would follow me anywhere if I let him. I turned the knob and walked into the hall. Turning around, his face was more clear in the fluorescent light. He looked so sad. I could see that he was forcing a smile just for me. "I love you Fox Mulder." With those words I walked out of the building and into my new life.