Date: Mon, 13 Dec 1999 11:31:53 -0800 (PST)
Subject: REV:  Safe At Home (1/1)
Source: revision

Rating:   R (for language)
Classif:  VA
Keywords: Lone Gunmen
Spoilers: The Blessing Way
Summary:  Missing scene from episode.  Frohike starts 
          drinking.

for giz, who said that Frohike should be the basis for 
some major angst.

Safe At Home
by Martha
marthalgm@yahoo.com

Fuck.

I've drunk half this bottle, and I can still feel the 
weight of the knowing that he's gone.  Still feel the 
place in my abdomen where my stomach has been kicked in 
and the intestines have been ripped out.  I can still 
feel.  I need another drink.

This shouldn't have happened.  Langly should not have had 
to hear it from the outside.  I should have been the one 
to tell him, not the other way around.  The kid isn't 
used to things like this.  Getting bad news and having to 
pass it on.  Especially when the news is personal - about 
someone you know, about someone who means something.  
Someone like Mulder.

Mulder.

I never thought that they'd go through with it.  I never 
thought that those motherfuckers would actually stoop so 
low and kill him in such an off-handed manner.  
Impersonal.  Just enclose and fucking discard him.  Burn 
him and have him running like a trapped rat.  Jesus 
Christ, NO, not that way.  I can't get that picture out 
of my head.  Of Mulder screaming and trying to get free.  
Oh, dear God, let it have been quick.  Shit.

I need another drink.

Why can't I stop crying?  I haven't pulled a crying drunk 
in years.  At least the guys have left me alone.  Left me 
here with this bottle . . . and my memories . . . and my 
guilt.

We shouldn't have let them go out there alone.  Scully's 
quite capable and all but with Mulder injured and sick 
and with his dad being killed with him right there . . .  
No, we should have gone with them.  As soon as I heard, I 
knew that we should have started out after them.  After 
all, didn't we get them into this damn mess?

That tape.  That fucking tape.  The Holy Grail that 
turned into a death sentence for everyone who touched it.  
What good has it done?  Did it give them anything?  All 
it got them was dead bodies.  Too many dead bodies.  One 
in particular . . . Mulder.

Shit, Mulder, where are you?

I'm at that point where I can't taste the liquor anymore.  
Can't feel that burning as it travels down my throat and 
sets fire to my liver and stomach.  I should have passed 
out by now.  Why can't I sleep?  Why can't I just stretch 
out on this desk and cry for all those times that Mulder 
was standing in this same room asking for our help, 
trusting us for Christ's sakes to give him something good 
to go on.  And what the fuck did we do to him?  Got him 
killed, that's what.  No matter what Byers says, WE are 
the ones who got him killed.  WE got him in touch with 
The Thinker.  WE let him go out there alone.  WE should 
have taken care of that tape.  Now Thinker's dead.  
Mulder's dead.  Who's next?

Scully.

Why am I thinking about her?  Why now?

Scully.

They wouldn't dare.  They couldn't possibly go after her, 
too.  Oh, shit, yes they would.  And not blink one eye 
over killing a woman.  Who hadn't done a damn thing to 
them.  What's another dead federal agent to them anyway?

Scully.

Where is she now?  She was on her way back to DC when she 
checked in with Langly.  She's probably at home now.  
Safe and sleeping at home.  Safe?  Is she safe?  Is she 
sleeping?  Is she thinking about him also?  Is she crying 
for him, like I am?  Does she feel the loss?

Mulder.

The bottle's almost empty.  And I need another drink.

They'd been partners over two years now.  I can remember 
the hell that Mulder went through when Scully 
disappeared.  And when she suddenly came back.  He kept 
blaming himself for her being lost.  And we kept telling 
him that it wasn't his fault.  And then she came back.  
And he blamed himself for her being in the hospital.  And 
we kept telling him that it wasn't his fault.  Damn you, 
Mulder, where are you now?  You can't make her go through 
this.  You can't do this to her.  You can't do this to 
me.

Where is her address?  It's around here somewhere.  I 
have to go check on her.  I have to go and see that she's 
all right.  I have to know.  If I don't do this now and 
wait until morning, she may not be there.  I can't take 
that chance that they'd get to her before I can make sure 
that she's safe.  If we'd gone with them before, one of 
us might have been able to do something.  For my own 
peace of mind, I have to know that she's at home.  And 
safe.  I owe it to him to try.  I owe it to her for him.

And then maybe she'll tell me that this is not my fault.

Fuck you, Mulder, what am I going to do now?

end
  


=====
Martha
=============================
Welcome to the dark side.
=============================