From: DennisFinch35@aol.com
Date: Sun, 7 Nov 1999 00:25:20 EST
Subject: The Sarcasm Files (1/1)
Source: direct

The Sarcasm Files (1/1)
Author: Ginger Dodds
Rating: PG
Category: X Files, Coneheads, Just Shoot Me, Lost & Found (the 1999 movie), 
Eight Heads In A Duffel Bag, Saturday Night Live Crossover/Humor
Keywords: Scully/other romance, Alternate Universe
Spoilers: None that I can think of.
Summary: Mulder and Scully investigate a bunch of stuff. 
Note: Some of the jokes may be lost on people who aren't fans of, or aren't 
familiar with the works of, David Spade. Also, some of the jokes were taken 
straight out of the movie "Wayne's World". Gotta thank Mike Myers, Bonnie 
Turner, and Terry Turner. While I'm at it, I'd like to thank my friend Gina 
for helping me out with this (even though she didn't do enough to be credited 
as co-author) and my mom for helping me as much as Gina did, and I have to 
thank David Spade and Jon Stewart for being such hotties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Shut up Kristy!" Cindy says in a somewhat frustrated tone.

"Do you have any comebacks that AREN'T retarded?" Kristy snaps.

"You guys," Lucy says, "could you stop fighting? It's scaring me!"

"Sorry Lucy." Cindy says.

"Hey, where on Earth is that sandwich I ordered an hour ago?" Kristy asks 
loudly, obviously trying to get a waiters' attention.

"It's probably here," Cindy says, stumbling, "cuz, like, Earth's really big, 
and, um, it wouldn't be anywhere else, cuz, it, uh, couldn't make sense, and 
. . . uh . . . "

"Hmm?" Kristy mumbles absentmindedly. She directs her attention toward a 
waitress that had walked to their table.

"Sorry," the waitress says sarcastically, "but it's not ready yet."

"Well, duh." Kristy says.

"You asked!" the waitress says, throwing her arms in the air. She walks off.

"Could they be any slower? This place might as well be run by chimps." Kristy 
says.

"Heh. Run by chimps." Cindy echoes.

"Tell me about it." Lucy says. She then reaches over to get something out of 
her purse and is attacked and killed.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

"Uh, what now?" Cindy asks.

"I think NOW's when the credits usually air so we can have, like, a scene 
jump to Mulder and Scully afterwards, so they can, like, investigate us, but 
we can't do that cause this isn't an episode, it's, like, a fanfic." Kristy 
says.

"That's silly. They could have a jump-cut." Cindy says.

Donna Dixon walks up to them.

"Who are you?" Kristy asks.

"I'm here to represent the writer." she says.

"Huh?" Cindy asks.

Donna looks at the camera.

"Do a jump-cut."

CUT TO:
Mulder's office

"Guess what Scully!" Mulder exclaims as Scully walks in.

"You've found an assignment for us that's soon to be summarized into a 44 
minute show on the Fox network?" Scully guesses.

"Nope." Mulder says.

"Oh god, not another fanfic!" Scully says, flopping into a chair. "They're so 
contrived!"

"Sorry dude." Mulder says, shrugging.

"'Dude?' We're already getting out of character and we're not even through 
with the second scene!" Scully whines.

Mulder does the mango dance.

Scully clutches her head like she has a headache.

A dark-blonde dude walks over to Mulder.

Mulder quits dancing and shakes the dude's hand.

"Scully," Mulder says, letting go of the dude's hand, "this is Eli Turnbull. 
He'll be assisting us on our assignment. He's an intern."

Bill Clinton runs in, sees that Eli's a dude, and runs out.

"And it's a crossover? Ugh!" Scully whines.

Eli shakes Scully's hand.

"Nice to meet you, ma'am." he says.

"The pleasure's all mine!" Scully says dreamily.

Mulder looks around using that "pout" commonly described in shipper fanfic 
written by women who are in love with him. Not that anyone who isn't a women 
in love with him would write a shipper fanfic.

Donna walks to Mulder. "Scully is experiencing love, or rather, lust, at 
first sight. Eli's eyes have disoriented her." she says.

The camera turns and zooms in on Eli, who gives it a suck-up smile. A 
computer-inserted twinkle sparkles in his eye.

Off camera, Scully sighs.

"Let's go!" Mulder says. 

"Yes, let's." Eli says, watching Mulder. Scully gets up and stands right next 
to Eli.

Mulder gets his coat and walks down the hallway, followed by Eli, followed 
closely by Scully., followed by Donna, who stops and goes into a bathroom. 
They pass a man pleading with another man who's explaining to him that he 
can't-a-have-a the Kiwi. Mulder gives the camera a look, and then the 
cameraman a look.

"Can't you do a jump-cut?" he asks.

"Not unless the writer says so." the cameraman says.

"Yeah fine!" Donna yells from the bathroom.

CUT TO:
That place where the Gap Girls were when Lucy was murdered

Cindy stands next to Kristy, whistling In A Gadda Da Vida, while Kristy 
checks her makeup in a portable mirror. They're standing in the same place 
where they were when we left them.

Cindy pokes Kristy and points to the camera. "They're back." she says.

"It took you long enough!" Kristy says, with her hand on her hip, putting her 
portable mirror away.

Mulder, Eli, and Scully walk in, and Kristy starts crying.

"Oh god, she was so young!" she sobs.

"Uh, Kristy, you were just-"

Kristy slams her hand over Cindy's mouth and mouths "shut up stupid".

"Oh, okay." Cindy says, muffled. Kristy takes her hand off of Cindy's mouth.

Mulder walks to Kristy and puts his arm around her. Kristy winks at Cindy. 
Cindy nods.

"Can you tell me what happened?" Mulder asks softly.

(Oscar clip)

Kristy sniffs. "Lucy was just, like, talking to us and then the reached for 
her purse and this THING just got her!" she sobs.

"It's okay, it's okay." Mulder says. "Scully, can you get a forensic sample 
of that large pile of brown goo under the table?"

Scully ignores Mulder, staring at Eli. Eli looks at her.

"Ma'am, I believe Agent Mulder wants you to take a forensic sample of that 
large pile of brown goo under the table." Eli says.

"You can call me Dana." Scully sighs. "Dana Turnbull."

"Umm, okay, yes, sure, Dana." Eli says.

Scully giggles uncharacteristically and takes the forensic sample of that 
large pile of brown goo under the table. She sticks it in a small Ziploc bag 
that came out of nowhere and hands it to Eli.

"Dana, I think you should hand this to Agent Mulder." Eli says.

"Okay." Scully says, giggling uncharacteristically again. She hands the bag 
to Mulder.

Mulder pushes Kristy away and takes the bag. "Thanks, Turnbull." he says.

"No problem, sir." Eli smiles.

Cindy gives Kristy a thumbs-up sign. Then she starts to cry to get attention 
and falls miserably.

"Ha! Loser!" Kristy says.

"Shut up Kristy." Cindy says.

"Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!" Kristy taunts.

"SHUT UP KRISTY!!" Cindy screams.

Kristy covers her ear.

"Owwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!" she whines.

No one else seems to notice Cindy screaming, so it's not essential to the 
plot. Actually, nothing in here is essential to the plot. There is no plot. 
This thing jumps around more than Carrot Top.

Finch, who was at another table, strolls over to Kristy and starts hitting on 
her.

"Sup?" he asks. "You from outta town?"

Donna picks Finch up and carries him away from the scene. He squeezes her 
butt.

At that point, a reviewer from Entertainment Weekly comes into view. He 
weighs 900 pounds and has no hair.

"Utterly useless." he comments.

Dylan Ramsey runs up to him. "DIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" he screams and stabs the man.

"Okay okay, break it up." Scully yells, stepping between them.

The reviewer licks the blood dripping out of his wounds. "I say, it's not 
NEAR as salty as it should be. I give it a D minus."

"Nice work, Dana." Eli says.

"Really??" Scully asks Eli, stepping next to him. "You think so?"

Dylan goes back to stabbing the EW reviewer.

"Don't you have more strength than that?" the reviewer mocks, "Puny little 
thing you are."

"GAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Dylan screams. "DIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" stab 
stab stab.

"Can't you think of any new dialogue? You get an F!"

"Ugh! You suck!" Dylan says. He shoots the reviewer with an AK47 that came 
out of nowhere in the heart, once to get the bullet through the layers of 
fat, and again to penetrate the heart.

"That bullet wasn't gold! D minus!" the reviewer announced loudly before he 
keels over. 

Dylan is applauded by everyone there as he walks back to his table.

Donna walks back to Mulder, dusting off her hands.

"Now I would like to address something completely off topic: Shipper Fanfic 
XFiles Titanic Crossovers. They have got to be stopped. You are taking away 
the dignity of the X Files characters and turning them into mushy, 
unreasonable saps. Combining a perfectly absurd story that doesn't make sense 
with a story that has been going way off track for the past two seasons is 
really uncalled for. Please stop Shipper Fanfic XFiles Titanic Crossovers 
before it's too late. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."
THE END


"Hey! Wait!" Mulder yells, stepping onto the blank screen. "What about us?"

Donna walks onto the blank screen. "Oh yeah." she says. "Nevermind. Go back 
to where you were." She walks away.

Okay, back to where we were:

"Scully, would you go check to see what this," Mulder dangles the Ziploc big 
with the forensic sample of that large pile of brown goo under the table in 
it between his fingers, "is in the lab? Scully?"

Eli, the center of Scully's attention, points to Mulder.

"Oh, yeah, sure." Scully takes the bag. "No problem, Mulder."

Eli smiles at Scully and she, once again, giggles uncharacteristically.

Steve and Ernie approach Mulder.  Mulder jumps, screams like a girl, and runs 
away. No, I'm kidding. It had to be done. I mean, you don't really have to 
put how Mulder would respond in, do you? How do you think he'll act? Gimme a 
break.

"Sir, we saw when the chick got eaten by the brown pile." Ernie says.

"You did? Well TOO BAD!" Mulder says, throwing Steve and Ernie out of a 
nonexistent window. "Come on Sculllllllllllllllyyyyyyyy!" he whines. "Run the 
sampleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Do ittttttttttt!"

"Oh, don't worry sir," Eli says, taking the bag from Scully, "I'LL run the 
sample!" He walks off. Scully follows him. He stops and turn to look at her. 
"Could you be a dove and wait over there?" he asks her, pointing back to 
where they were.

"Sure! Anything you want! Teeheeheeheeheeheeheehee." Scully says, running 
back to Mulder. "He called me a dove!"

"Hmm, I don't see what she sees in him." Kristy says.

"Really? I think he's hot." Cindy says.

"He looks, like, familiar, like, he's my brother, err, ex-boyfriend, err, 
SOMETHING." Kristy says.

Lucy appears out of nowhere.

"Wow! That was so wonderful! Thanks guys!" she yells at nothing in particular.

"Lucy!" Kristy and Cindy say in unison.

Eli comes back and hands the bag to Mulder.

"Sir, that specimen was an element known as Turbonium. It's a promotional fad 
invented on the commercials for the new Volkswagen Beetle." Eli says.

"Well, thank you Turnbull." Mulder says.

"No problem, sir." Eli says. Scully faints.

"Lucy, where were you?" Cindy asks.

"I'm the new Power Ranger!" Lucy brags.

"Whoa! Cool!" Cindy says.

(Corny end line)

"Power Rangers? They're SO last year." Kristy says.

"Shut up Kristy!" Cindy says.

(laugh track)

THE END!!!
Author's note: I am aware that there was very little closure given in this 
fanfic. And, basically, that is why I wrote it. So everyone would be mad at 
me for giving my bad story no closure.
~~~~~~~~
So, whaddya think? Email comments and questions to buhbyeintegrity@hotmail.com