Date sent: Sat, 30 May 1998 15:23:40 -0700 From: "Alex, Joan and Hillary Davis" Subject: Submission - Sea of Despair, by Erin Grace Sea of Despair By Erin Grace I watch as my daughter lies in this cold hospital bed motionless. Emotions flow through my body, love, fear, pain, all for Emily, and hate and anger to the bastards who did this to her, to me, to us. I hear Mulder's voice beside me, it is as if I hear him for the first time since I had awakened from my coma so many years ago. "I'll stay with you," he says. I know he wants to comfort me, and I do not want to turn away from him, but I need to say goodbye to my daughter alone. As much as I love him, I need to do this myself. "Actually, I would kind of like to be alone." I manage to choke out. I cannot bear to face him now, for I am afraid of what will happen if I should meet his eyes. I have turned to him for comfort before, at many times he has been my rock when I've been lost in the sea of despair. Now at this moment, I seem to be unable to grasp on to that rock, so I am left to be swept away by the roaring sea. I see him briefly nod in the reflection of the glass in front of me. He pauses to look back at me, hoping I will turn to face him. I do not turn to him, I swallow the sobs that threaten to overcome my body as he turns to the door. He leaves and I let the tears loose. I look at the young child in the bed and wonder if she felt the bond, the connection, I felt and shared with her. I look at the tiny cross that lays upon her chest and scream to God inside my head. Why has He done this to me, to Emily? Why is He taking my only chance to love someone who is a part of me? Then I scream at the shadows, the shadows that seem to turn to flesh to inflict pain upon others, and then turn to the shadows to slip away into the night. They have done this, not God. They were the ones who have taken things from me that were not theirs to take. They tried to take my life, but I was strong and took it back. They tried to take Mulder away from me, but he was strong and came back to me. Until now, losing Melissa was the most heartbreaking loss that has come upon me in my quest with Mulder. Mom always said that I have my father's strength and I have always prided myself on that. The strength my father gave me helped me to return to the land of the living many times. My abduction, the trip to the forest with Mulder, the rapid aging with Mulder on a ship in the middle of the Atlantic, and my most recent battle, cancer. I cannot draw upon my father's strength now. All the strength in the world is not enough to help cope with the loss of a child. I wonder if it is harder to lose a child you have always known about and have loved and lived with for years; or harder to lose a child you have discovered in a matter of days? A child who has not been given the chance to know how much her mother loves her? A child who has not been given the chance to learn of who her mother is? I walk to the door of her room and open it. If my daughter must die tonight, she will not leave this world with her last few precious minutes being in a cold room, alone. If she leaves this world, she will leave it in her mother's arms. I walk to her bed and watch as her small chest rises and falls with her last breaths of life. I think of how this young girl has endured the pain she has been put through. In the few days I've known her, she has not once complained of what she was being put through. She has inherited my father's strength as I have; and at this moment I am as proud of my child of three as any mother would be of a child who was graduating from high school. I lie on the bed and wrap my arms around her small, tired body. My head lowers upon hers and I watch as my red, copper hair, seems to merge with her fair blonde hair. I listen as her breaths become fainter and her heart beat slower. I brush her hair from her face as my tears fall quietly from my face upon hers. I struggle through my tears to say what my heart is screaming. "Rest now, my dear Emily. Mommy loves you. I will see you in my dreams and in my heart. One day, we will be together once more." I cradle her in my arms as her breaths fall silent and her heart beats sound fainter. "I love you Emily," I whisper in her ear. Her breath stops and the monitor sounds her departure. I continue to hold her as I feel the last of her life slip away. "Goodbye." I whisper when I feel she has left. I continue holding her limp body until I feel my own strength fail me and I begin to mourn the loss of a daughter I hardly knew, but still loved with all my heart and soul. Disclaimer: Scully, Mulder, and Emily belong to Chris Carter, Fox and 1013 productions. Starbuck35@webtv.net Title: Sea of Despair Author: Erin Grace Author's Email: Starbuck35@webtv.net Classification: XA Spoilers: Christmas Carol/Emily Distribute: Anywhere but ATXC. Ask me first. Summary: Scully's thoughts through her last moments with Emily.