From xangst@frii.com Fri Jan 31 06:31:44 1997

SECRET
by Em Laurence
lilxphile@aol.com
* * * * * * * * * *
Leonard Betts spoilers, a Nisei reference, and mucho
Scullyangst. This is just a little vignette expressing what
Scully might have been thinking while Mulder drove her 'home'. I
always find it awkward to write these post-episode stories, but
right now LB is all I can think about. And hey, if I have to be
depressed out of my mind, I might as well take a few dozen
people down with me.
Despite my continuing efforts, the X-Files still don't belong to
me, nor do Mulder and Scully. They are the property of Chris
Carter and, of course, DD and GA.
A huge thank you to Paul for his encouragement.
For Sylvia - definitely not the brains of the outfit, but always
entertaining nonetheless.
* * * * * * * * * *

It's snowing again.

Snow is a wonderful distraction- thousands of tiny flakes that
blow by too fast to focus on any one individually. You can stare
for hours, let yourself become mesmerized by the motion, and
lose every thought in your head.

I want to lose myself like that, but I can't. I'm keeping a
secret from the world tonight, because I don't know what else to
do.

I know what I did to Leonard Betts, but I don't remember doing
it. All I remember is fear, fear that motivated me to fight
harder than I ever had, to put the paddles to his head and send
him flying out the rear doors of the ambulance. For a moment, I
felt the exhilaration that comes from knowing you have defeated
your opponent.

And then, I felt nothing.

My entire body was numb.

I had survived my encounter with Betts, but he had only been a
messenger of sorts, warning me of an even greater foe that would
not be so easy to triumph over. "You have something I need."
When he spoke those words to me, I was too shocked by just the
idea to grasp its full meaning. It was not until I was leaning
out the doors, staring at the body that lay sprawled across the
pavement, that it hit home.

I had something he needed... he needs cancer... I have cancer.

I have cancer.

No.

No, I don't know that for certain. Betts may have attacked me
only because I was a threat to him. It could have been a simple
reflex, to speak those words. How do I know that he even had the
ability to 'see' cancer within people? He would, of course, have
known that his mother was afflicted with the disease. And as for
the man, Gillnitz, it could have been no more than a lucky
guess. Gillnitz had been a smoker, and if Betts knew that,
maybe...

Maybe. Maybe what? Maybe I don't have cancer. Maybe I do. Maybe
I'm so damn afraid right now that I can't think straight.

God, I am so afraid.

What if it's true? I know it very well could be. I saw Betsy
Hagopian's body, I heard the story the women in Allentown told
me. But then, I had told myself not to believe them. It would
not happen to me. I was different from them. And Mulder hadn't
let it worry him. At first, when he brushed it off so easily, I
had been angry. Later, I'd used his indifference to convince
myself that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. If he
didn't think it was anything to worry about, then I wasn't going
to worry. A senseless idea, but a comforting one.

Mulder. God, how will I tell Mulder if I... if it's true? He
believes that Leonard attacked me when I found him hiding
beneath the ambulance, and I haven't given him any reason to
believe otherwise. I'm not going to worry him until I know for
certain that it's true.

He's giving me space now. He thinks I'm overtired and
shell-shocked and in desperate need of rest, and it's all that's
saving me from hearing the question I fear the most- 'Are you
okay?'

I'm not ready to answer it.

Tomorrow is another day, right? Tomorrow I'll wake up and it'll
be a little easier to deal with.

But how can you wake, if you never fall asleep?


*end*


Comments to lilxphile@aol.com. Thanks for reading...

xangst@frii.com           TheDeanXF@aol.com
--------------------------------------------
If I'd known life was going to take so long,
I'd've brought a book.

Queen of Angst       Mysterious & Suspicious
Smoker for Scully      Extreme Possibilities
Skinner Chick   Genteel Ladies Writing Guild

Subbasement supporter--"We're down here, and
we *like* it!"
*********************************************
 _     _
  \   /                  For information
   \ /                    please write:
    X A N G S T
   / \   Anonymous       xangst@frii.com
  /   \               Dean Warner, moderator
 -     -
*********************************************