From: Atomfrisco@aol.com Date: Tue, 8 Feb 2000 22:13:14 EST Subject: New: Selling My Soul Source: direct Title- Selling My Soul Author- atomfrisco E-mail address- atomfrisco@aol.com Archiving- Umm, go ahead. Rating- R Swearing. For some reason that makes me happy. Category- SRA So I'm a glutton for punishment, wanna do somethin' about it? Thought so. Spoilers- You all know who Gibson Praise is right? Well if you don't then shame, shame. There's a brief mention of im' in here somewhere. Keywords- MSR, UST Summary- Who do you go to when there's no one left? Disclaimer- "What do you think you're doin'?" "Chris?" "Yeah, are you using my characters?" "Umm, yes..." "Dammit, I told you they belong to me! Don't use them ever again! Damn hard of hearing, stupid..." then he walked away. Needless to say I didn't listen to him. This took me two days to write. I'd like to think I work fast, but it's just that I got nothin' else to do. Sigh. Anyone wanna give me a job? Thought so. S'ok then. I dedicate this to my mom who'll never read it, my dog who'd probably eat it, and to my new friend Denise. Stay behind the yellow line and don't make eye contact with the animals... <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Selling My Soul by atomfrisco "When it happened... I just... I have no one else to turn to now. They had said it was taken care of. After the... hospital, everything was right again," I pause. "We would have continued to try and expose you. We knew what you were doing. We knew your plans. We knew your goals. We knew what you did. We were ready..." I can't say any more. I hate him. I'm angry, frustrated, sad, resigned to do this, and disappointed with myself. I'm too overwhelmed with emotion right now and I can't make my words any stronger. He senses this. He nods his head in understanding. "Yes, you were." He says it slowly and smugly, as if he was running this whole damn show. As if he let us find our answers. As if my partner wasn't infected with an alien virus. As if my partner wasn't comatose in one of their labs. As if I didn't have to deal with the devil to save my partners life. "Now this thing comes along and... and..." I'm getting frustrated again. I hate him. He smiles. Lucky for me, he knows how the virus works. They probably engineered it. I hate them. "When the virus enters the host, it takes control of the body and the mind. We do not control the hosts. The aliens do. This is a new breed of virus. No cure yet, but less invasive, more productive." He's staring at me now as he lights up another cigarette. He starts again, morley in his mouth, "We usually don't do this but we were able to make an exception in your case," he grins at me. I scowl. "Since you're relatively well known to our community, I asked for him to be kept here in our facilities, where you can supervise his treatments. You have to keep your end of the deal though, Agent Scully. You don't want to let me down." "I won't, Sir," then I get up to leave their new D.C. headquarters. I hate him. I hate them. I've already forgotten everything else, but there's only one thing I'll always have to remember: this is for Mulder. I'll save him. Even if it means losing myself, I'll save him. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> The first time I... got rid of someone for them, I panicked. I literally froze; couldn't move, couldn't talk, couldn't breathe. Then I ran. He was a photographer... I kept running. He had no family... I kept running. He was close to the truth just as we had been... I kept running. I didn't know his name, yet I shot him point blank to the head when his back was turned. I was in the process of gaining his trust when he relented, and let me into his small dirty house. "Never talk to strangers Starbuck," my fathers voice rings in my head over and over again. After I realised I had blood splattermarks on me, I decided I should go and see Mulder. I'm doing this for him, yet I don't think he'd understand. Mulder. Just thinking about him makes me feel this amazingly powerful guilt. I wasn't there to save him. Why am I doing this? Because it's for him. Always for him. I didn't know where I was so I called the old bastard and asked to be picked up. "Did you dispose of the problem?" "Yes." Whenever I talk to him, I try to keep our conversations as short as possible. I hate them but they'll find Mulders cure, so I try not to say anything I'll regret. As much as I despise it... I need their help. "Good. We've traced the call. Krycheck will pick you up shortly," then he hangs up. When I agreed to the deal, he told me I'd have to contact my new 'partner in crime.' Imagine my surprise when I'd found out it was Ratboy. There's a supreme irony to all this, yet I can't find it right now. I try not to talk to him either. I hate them all. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> I've been working for them for two months now. I've finally figured out that supreme irony that I failed to grasp before. It wasn't Krycheck, it's me working for them. I was originally supposed to do it anyways, so it doesn't make a difference right? It does make a difference. To Mulder it would. He would hate me like I hate them. Well, I work for them... so do I hate myself? ...yes. I've lost my appetite and I probably look like death warmed over. I hardly sleep anymore. I have these horrible nightmares, the ones like you used to have. You always leave me. Do you remember Mulder? I was only there to wake you up a few times but now I know how you felt. You always leave me. Why do you leave me? I need you. Yet you always leave me. Every other second that I'm not out... doing my missions, I come to see you Mulder. My poor Mulder. I squeeze your hand tighter. I want you to wake up so I can see your eyes, so I can hear your voice, so I can feel your touch. I let go of your hand. I look at you one last time before I make my way outside. But I don't want you to see me like this. This thing I have become. It gets easier, but I don't want anyone to know that. Not even you Mulder. I don't like doing it, but the excruciating guilt is slowly subsiding... because I remember why I'm doing it. This is for you Mulder. Only for you. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> He wants me to... dispose of a child, Mulder. A little kid. Just like Gibson Praise. You remember him don't you? I'm walking into your room when I see you're not there. Where did you go? Did you leave me? A nurse is walking by. An evil nurse. We're all evil here. "Where is he," I growl. She's probably taken him away. I'll kill her, KILL HER, KILL ER'! She looks frightened. Good, bitch, "now answer me!" I said that out loud? I guess I did, because she's now flipping through her notes faster than you can say 'I'mgonnakillyou.' She finally looks up at me, scared shitless. I was the inspiration for fear. "He... he was umm taken to an isolated room... there are no doctors orders and there's... umm... no access allowed," she says in a small voice. I'm shorter than her and she's holding her charts out in front of her. Like they'll protect her if I decide I want to shoot her. Disgusting maggot is wasting my time. Then it clicks. He's blocked my access. "That stupid, fagot, motherfucking, cunt licking, cigarette smoking, BASTARD OF AN ASSHOLE!!" I take a breath,"ARRRGGHHH!!" then I punch the nearest wall. He knew I'd come here. He knew it, he knew it," HE KNEW IT!!" and I can't do anything about it. Why are my knuckles bleeding? Shit! No... this is out of control! Remember Dana, this is for Mulder, this is for Mulder, this is for Mulder, this is for Mulder, this is for Mulder! Ok, calm down. This is a test, to see if I can do this. To see if I can... get rid of a kid. I'll get rid of the damn kid, then everything will be ok. Everything will be ok. I'm walking out as they call security. Everything will be ok. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> That old bastard called me after my latest mission Mulder. He commended me on my "excellent, thorough, and accurate work. Very professional." I said thank you. He probably thought I'd get upset. I don't get upset anymore Mulder. Only for you Mulder, only for you. I've learned to live with the death aspect of my work. Death. He's my new best friend. We do good work together. Death. Sometimes I think I see him take them, the people I... disposed of. It doesn't bother me at all. See, we made this deal. I bring people to him and he doesn't take me. "Pretty neat, huh Mulder?" Like I said Death is my new best friend. Oh and of course there's always you Mulder, always you. After I couldn't find you Mulder, was it three months ago... yeah it was three months ago, I um got rid of the kid. He was quiet. He knew what I was going to do. He knew and thank god he didn't say anything. So silent. There's something wrong if they go quietly. Screaming in agony makes me pity them, silently makes me empathise with them. I believe now Mulder. I don't just... keep people quiet, I can communicate with the aliens now. I'm sorry you didn't get to see them Mulder. They were awe inspiring. I hate them, yet I respect them. So much careful, and meticulous planning has gone into the take over of our world. "Smart little assholes, huh?" I sigh. "You're not with me, are you?" I can't tell. I kiss your forehead then push back your hair. It's getting long. "We'll have to cut it then won't we? Do you want me to cut your hair?" and as usual, you don't answer. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> "They're coming! You have to let me out! Let me go! I spoke to them, the aliens are coming! You don't understand it I talked to them! Let me GOOO!! They're gonna take over the world and Mulder's there! Do you hear me?! Mulder's there!! They have him, arrgghh, THEY HAVE HIM!! I didn't kill him he's alive I'm telling you ARGH, themthemthemthem ohhh you've gotta believe me I didn't kill him, he's my Mulder, I love my Mulder I wouldn't hurt im' dammit ARRGGHH I didn't kill him they tricked me it was them they made me do it nooooOOO!!!" As I watch her from behind the glass, my eyes start to water. They're giving her another sedative. I take off my glasses, pinch the bridge of my nose, and try to concentrate on what her doctor is saying. "...also compiled with paranoid delusions brought on by guilt and her desire to place blame elsewhere." I'd like to believe she would never do this, but all the evidence points to her. I wish it didn't. I still love her. I tried to save her too once. I'd sold my soul to save her and now she describes the same circumstances, so it can't be just coincidence, so what if... I sigh. Now I'm seeing connections that aren't there, just like her. I nod, pretending I understand the medical jargon, then stare at her through the glass. She's mumbling now. I can't hear her but she's probably still trying to prove she's innocent. The circumstances in which we found her were... different to say the least. She had been braking in to Mulders apartment, his blood all over her. Enough blood to suspect that he was dead. There were some anomalies in the blood but the samples disappeared from the lab before further analysis could be done. I'm starting to think maybe something's up now that all the pieces are coming together. Maybe there's hope that she didn't do it. "I need to talk to her," I ask interrupting his little speech about himself and his scripted diagnosis. He looks a little taken aback. "I can't let you do that, Sir." "Well, I'm going in. Try and stop me," then I take the electronic keycard from his hand and slide it into the slot beside the door. The green light beeps on. He's still stuttering for a good explanation as I step into the room, then close the door behind me. She's strapped to the bed with leather restraints and it hurts so much to see her like this. I've got to stay calm if I'm going to help her. She's looking at me in horror, and has been since the second I walked in. "You think I did it too don't you..." she trails off as her head falls back on to the pillow. "I didn't kill him... Skinnerr, I didn kill im', ya gotta believe me that I didn kill im'..." she slurs. The drugs are taking effect so I have to get some answers before I'm thrown out of this Psyc-ward. "Scully, can you hear me?" She nods her head a bit. I continue,"I want to believe you, you know. Tell me what's going on, tell me what happened," I've stepped closer to the bed and I'm now looking over her. She seems so small. They're pounding on the door, demanding entrance. "I made a deal Skinnerr, then they lied to me, lied lied lied. Everyone lies to me, everyone, do it for Mulder, Dana, do it for Mulder...I made a deal ya know..."she trailed off. Now we're getting somewhere. At least I know she made a deal with them now. All I have to do is link the evidence now and...she starts mumbling again,"you're gonna meet him someday too ya know, ya know, ya know...we worked together." She pauses. She worked for them! Now it makes perfect sense..." Me and im' are gooood friends. I gave im' people an' he didn' take me, he didn' take me... I help im'." The pounding outside is louder. I look out the door window to see two large guards snarling at me. This doesn't make sense anymore. I don't understand her. What the hell is she talking about?! " Who did you make the deal with Scully, was it that cigarette smo," she cuts me off. "Not tha one... death... I made a deal wit im' wit im'. See he won take me now..."she's falling asleep. "He'll take you cause you didn' make th deal..."out like a light. I put my hands in the air as the door bursts open. They're yelling at me as I shove my badge in their faces and push my way through them. I wish she didn't do it, I really do. I wanted to believe her. The truth is, I never thought she could kill anyone, let alone Mulder. I also thought she wasn't insane. I was wrong on both counts. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Hmmm. I guess that's it! So I made Scully crazy, big deal! Chris makes Mulder crazy all the time! Want my excuse? "All the other kids were doin' it!" Well um, this was inspired by my madness and all complaints, bad stuff and flames will be printed and eaten. All things nice will be printed and hung on my wall. Honestly, I will. 'Feedback' goes to atomfrisco@aol.com