From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: Sun, 20 Apr 2008 17:40:58 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: NEW: \"SEQUELITIS\" (1/1) MSR/Humor by stormlantern by Hester Dougan
Source: direct

Reply To: stormlantern1013@yahoo.com


NOTE BY AUTHOR: So, there's going to be a sequel to the X-Files movie. 
Wow, there's something a lot of us thought would never happen. I saw 
pics of Mr. Duchovny and Ms. Anderson on the net, and my my, haven't 
they been taking good care of themselves. Amazing. Ah, the magic of 
Hollywood! So, in the spirit of the XF sequel, and in memory of one of 
my other fanfics, I give you -

Title: Sequelitis 
Genre: MSR/Humor 
Archive: Yes, just let me know so I can visit 
Disclaimer: "The X-Files" doesn't belong to me, but to Chris
Carter 
and 20th Century Fox. 


Special Agent Fox Mulder entered his basement office in the FBI 
Building in an unusually ebullient mood. He spied his partner, Special 
Agent Dana Scully, already seated at her desk and apparently mulling 
over the usual mountain of paperwork, and greeted her playfully: 
"Hello, my little strawberry shortcake."
 
Scully raised her head and lifted an eyebrow.  "I warned you about 
those short jokes, Mulder."
 
Mulder chuckled and plopped into the chair in front of his desk.  "So 
what're you working on? Looks like Kersh clear-cut another forest 
trying to get us to put down on paper what can't be quantified, 
qualified or explained."
 
Scully stacked a small handful of the papers spread across her desk.

 "Actually, these aren't from Kersh. These are from the Gunmen." She 
cleared her throat.  "Um, you remember those stories about us that the 
Gunmen found on the Internet?"
 
Mulder froze. Slowly, his gaze traveled down from Scully's face to the 
papers in her hands.

 "Oh, crap,"  he said.

Scully waved the papers.  "They found a few well, a lot more."
 
During his career in the X-Files, Mulder had faced down werewolves, 
vampires and alien bounty hunters, but he couldn't suppress a shudder 
as he asked, "They don't have me canoodling Krychek again, do they?"
 
"Well actually, this particular batch focuses on an, um, relationship 
between you and Assistant Director Skinner."
 
Silence. Scully looked up. Mulder was leaning his chin on his hand and 
squinting at her as if she were speaking in a language he wasn't 
familiar with. After a moment, he leaned back in his chair and fixed 
his gaze on the ceiling.  "Scully, tell me something."
 
Scully answered cautiously, "I'll try."
 
"Pardon the language, but how come in those stories, I'm everybody's 
bitch but yours?"
 
Scully hid a smile behind her hand.  "Well, Mulder, I suppose the 
authors of those stories think you have more chemistry with men than 
with women."
 
Mulder snorted.  "Then they're hallucinating, and chemistry may play a 
role in that too."
 
Scully chuckled as her phone rang. She picked up the receiver, said a 
few words and punched the phone's speaker button.

The voice of Lone Gunman Ringo Langley echoed through the office.  
"So what do you think, Mulder? Should we hack their website?"
 
Mulder blinked.  "What? Whose?"
 
 "The website of the losers who posted those stories. Please say yes. 
Frohike wants to get even in the worst way and he's getting on our 
last freaking nerve."  The voice of the aforementioned Frohike rumbled 
in the background:  "WE'LL MAKE THOSE MONKEYS PAY!"
 
Mulder paused, nonplussed, and Scully intervened. "Why is Frohike 
upset?"

Langley replied, "He thinks your honor has been besmirched."
 
Mulder blinked and looked at Scully.  "Your honor?"
 
Scully shrugged.  "There are stories about me too."
 
Mulder made a face and turned to the telephone.  "So Fro's worried 
about her honor?"
 
Langley said:  "Annoyingly so."
 
"And what about my honor?"

"Hey, you're a dude, dude."
 
Mulder frowned and was about to reply when Special Agent John Doggett 
entered the room, coffee cup in hand.  "Morning."
 
"Good morning, John,"  said Scully.

"Mind if a borrow a cup of joe?"  Doggett waved the coffee cup. 
"Monica's filled our coffeepot with that damned herbal tea again. I 
keep telling her it smells like Buddha's aftershave, but she - "  He 
paused as he noticed his fellow agents' facial expressions. "Something 
the matter?"

Mulder and Scully glanced at each other. Their communication was 
immediate, electric and unspoken.

Mulder cleared his throat and turned back to Doggett.  "Seems we're 
famous, John,"  he said pleasantly.  "People have been posting stories 
on the internet about Scully and me."
 
Doggett raised his brows.  "Stories? About you?"
 
"Yup."  Mulder reached towards Scully, who quickly selected a few 
pages and handed them to him. Mulder, in turn, handed them to Doggett.  
"Here, have a look."
 
Doggett took the papers and perused them, while Mulder and Scully 
waited for Doggett's patented reaction to anything unsavory, unlikely, 
or absurd.

Doggett didn't disappoint. His eyes narrowed and he looked up. "This 
is a load of crap."
 
"Never though I'd agree with you about anything, Dogbird," Langley's 
voice snickered out of the telephone.

Doggett glanced irritably at the phone and waved the papers at Mulder 
and Scully. "Who wrote this?"
 
Mulder shrugged.  "Somebody who's unsurprisingly anonymous."
 
Doggett glared down at the papers as though a puppy had recently 
visited them. "Why the hell would anyone write anything like this?"
 
Scully pondered for a moment.  "Well, my guess is that some people 
find release in tales that encompass the deeper and more depraved 
human fantasies and desires."
 
"Oh, really?"  Langley snickered again.  "I guess that's why Frohike 
keeps a diary."
 
Frohike's voice echoed again:  "AND WHY YOU KEEP TRYING TO READ IT!"
 
Doggett shook his head .  "Well, if you say so, Scully.  He dumped the 
papers, with a flourish, into the office wastebasket. "But I gotta 
say, this kind of thing could only happen to you two."
 
"Check your e-mail, Mulder,"  said Langley.

"Been in law enforcement all these years, and never saw anything like 
this."
 
"Welcome to our world, Doggett. Wait until you're invited to speak at 
MUFON. Maybe Mulder will lend you his notes."
 
Mulder chuckled as he obediently turned to his computer and opened his 
mailbox. He clicked on a new email and perused it. Then he clicked 
PRINT and walked over to the printer as it began to spit out papers.

Doggett said, "I doubt that'll be necessary, Scully. I'm just the 
third banana around here." Mulder cleared his throat. Doggett looked 
up to see Mulder standing behind him, his hands full of papers. Mulder 
smiled sweetly.  "Uh, John it looks like you're famous too." Doggett 
froze. Slowly, his gaze traveled down from Mulder's face to the papers 
in his hands.

"Oh, crap,"  he said. 

FINIS