From: Kim Date: Thu, 18 Jun 1998 03:56:58 -0500 Subject: Set Me Free II: To Love You More Title: Set Me Free II: To Love You More Author: Kim Category: SRA Rating: PG Summary: After a year of being away from Mulder, Scully has returned home, to face a past, and old demons. Disclaimer: I don't own em. Oh, well that's life. I also don't own Celine Dion's song "To Love You More" That's used without permission. Bear with me. Dedicated: To my friend Lauren. Thanks girl! You've been a big help with my stories. -Set It Free- I always thought you were my shining star, Never a day when we would part, I never should have risked my heart, For you have caused it to break apart. To another girl you left, Me, your heart no longer kept, I kept thinking 'twas for the best' But at nights, I no longer rest. I have a saying that gives me hope, For one day that you'll come home, Till that day, I'll be alone, This earth, you will make me roam. If you love something, set it free, If it comes back, it's meant to be, So till that day, we shall see, If you ever return to me. By: Me Set Me Free II: To Love You More By Kim It's been one year, almost to the day, since I left Washington D.C. One year of loneliness and misery. I couldn't believe how time had passed, but it went faster than I thought it would. After I had left Mulder, I thought that my life would travel ever so slowly. I tried moving on, even tried dating, but there wasn't a passing day that I wouldn't think of Mulder. He was in my every waking thought, as well as haunting me in my dreams. I kept imagining what he would be doing. Offhanded, I thought about if he and Laura had children. It were these thoughts that often got me depressed. I knew that I could never have children. I found this out after my abduction. Then I had found Emily. She was my shining joy, my little girl, but she was taken away from me. I've been through so much heartache during my time with Mulder, and I think: 'was it worth it? Though, Mulder and I have had to endure much suffering, I know that I would never ever change a day. I've never have, nor will I ever regret my time with Mulder. I'll be honest though, I've never felt more alone in my life. I thought that moving away from Mulder would help me move on, that I'd be able to finally get a life, but instead, it has made me miss Mulder even more than ever. In over the past year, I have not seen, talked to, or written to Mulder. God, do I miss him dearly. Sometimes I can't help but think that I made a huge mistake in leaving him. I mean, wouldn't it have just been better for me to be miserable with Mulder than without? I think about it, and at least, if I had stayed with Mulder even though he was married, I would be able to see him. Then again, I couldn't live with the agony of the knowledge that he would leave me to go home to Laura, every single night. He would go home to make sweet love to her, to hold her and caress her. I'd just go home to an empty house with no love at all, and only me to keep for company. No, I suppose it's best that I left when I did. Mulder could never have been happy with me there. I would've only made his life more miserable. This is what I keep trying to convince myself of all of the time, that Mulder is better off without me. I just can't convince myself that I'm better off without him. I tried my hardest to forget about Mulder. I did things to keep myself busy, for instance, taking later shifts at work. This brings me to another thing. I hate my life in the small town of Orange Valley, Florida, where everybody knows your business and your name. I don't really have any friends at all. I live away from everybody and mainly keep to myself as much as I can. The only time I actually come in contact with people is when I see them to give check-ups. I think the only reason my boss hasn't fired me is because I do my job well. I often?actually, all the time, regret moving to this God-forsaken town. Sometimes, I don't know which would have been worse, living in the same town as Mulder, or living down here in hick town. I was working at the clinic for a few hours when I got a phone call from my mother. "Hi Dana, honey!" It was so good to hear her voice. She always had a way to bring comfort to me, even when I was at my most worst. I used to take my mother's phone calls, and our little outings for granted, but now I cherish every little moment I get to hear her voice. I miss her so much. I haven't been up to see her since I moved away. "Hello, mom. How are you? How's everybody up there?" Subconsciously, I was thinking about Mulder. "I 'm doing fine Dana, just been busy. I've got news for you. I sold the house!" What?? She never mentioned to me that she planned to sell the house! "What? Mom! When! I mean you never mentioned that you were going to sell the house to me!" "I know, I know sweetie, but it kind of happened fast. I mean, I just got to thinking how empty the house felt and how big it was. I just don't need a house that big, so I called a realtor and I got a buyer almost immediately. I found an adorable house that's just the right size for me, and there's enough room for company." "Well, Mom, I'm happy that you're happy. I'm just kind of shocked. Did you move out already or are you still packing?" "Actually, Dana. That's why I'm calling you. I was wondering if you could fly up this week and help me move out. Please?" I knew that I had to work, but I hadn't seen my mother for what seemed like ages. I also knew that I deserved a vacation. My mother needed my help so I would do anything in my power to help her, even if it meant being in the same city as Mulder. I mean hey! What are the chances that I'd run into Mulder with a city as big as D.C.? Affirmative on my decision, I told my mother that I'd fly up the following week. She was delighted at this news and told me that she could hardly wait. I went back to work, but my mind wasn't focused. I couldn't think about anything else except for the fact that I'd be returning home? and confronting old demons. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX My boss told me to go ahead and take the next week off. I couldn't help but notice that he seemed slightly relieved that I was leaving, even if it was just for a little while. My reputation down here has grown icier than when I was with the FBI. At least, when I was an agent, the petty name calling, like 'Ice Queen' or 'Ice Witch' died down eventually. Now, I'm known once again as the Ice Queen, whose heart is as cold as stone. The woman who is a frigid bitch, made of ice, because if she looks at you, you'll freeze to death. These names do hurt, but I know that I'm better than what everyone else thinks, and I know the real me. It's their loss if they don't take the time to know the real Dana Scully. The reason people can't get to know the real Dana Scully is because I won't let them. But, partly, it is my fault. I was burned once by Mulder, that it terrifies me to even think about letting someone get that close to me ever again. In a way, I can't blame my collegues for their mentality towards me. I suppose I deserve the kind of attention I'm getting. Maybe it's best that I get away from here for awhile. After all, I am going to be with the only person left on the planet, who I know loves me, and will be there to comfort me. I packed my bags because my flight left the next day. My stomach held anticipation for the days to come. I couldn't help feeling a sense of foreboding, a feeling I haven't felt since that day Mulder told me he was getting married. With my bags packed, and waiting by the door, I go into the bathroom to take a long, hot shower, which I desperately needed to relax the tension in my body. The events of the coming days, have made me so tense, that I feel like a tightened spring, waiting to be set off. I look into the mirror, and stare at the reflection gazing back at me. The person staring at me, is a stranger. I do not know her. Her eyes are hollow, holding so much pain. Far too much for any human to bear. Her blue depths hold sorrow, regret, love for a not forgotten memory. Her cheeks have a lack of color, and the overall of her face, has an unhealthy pallor to it. This person staring back at me looks tired . . . lost. She looks as though she's waiting for someone to end her misery. Her body has become petite, almost malnourished. I stare at this person and I think, 'what happened to her?' I can no longer stare at my reflection. I turn my head roughly away from my reflection, much too ashamed by my appearance. I am ashamed by more than just that. I am ashamed that I have let myself become weak. I realize, I am no longer the person I once was. That woman is gone, leaving a poor substitute for the person she used to be. I close my eyes, feeling the tears build up behind the lids. I walk out of the bathroom, my reflection in the mirror causing me to feel like I am trapped behind glass doors. Nobody is there to release this lost soul. I enter my bedroom to get dressed for bed. I have a long day ahead and I need much rest, but I know rest is the furthest thing from my mind. As I dress, I think about Mulder. Despite how much I dread the chance that I may or may not see him, I realize, I want to see him. I want to see if he is happy, if Laura kept her promise to me that she would make him happy. I am hoping that his happiness will bring some semblance of joy to my morose world. Even though almost a year has passed, I still feel the same about Mulder, his happiness is my happiness. If he is happy with Laura and was able to move on, I must swallow my pain, and my pride, and move on, just as he has. I am reminded of my last day in D.C. Of that day, when I boarded that plane, which would carry me to my ultimate doomsday. I remember the moment when Mulder revealed his love for me. It brought me pure joy and pure sadness when he said the three words I most wanted to hear from his and only his lips. The joy was for the fact that I finally heard what I longed to hear the most, the sadness for the tragedy that we could not be together. We were too late. This memory brings up more sorrow. My throat is thick with unshed tears. The utter sadness I feel is reflected in each aching beat my heart makes. The walls holding back all my anguish, all of my demons, all of the black in my world, crumble apart, releasing tears I had long held back, allowing them to make a cold, wet trail down my cheeks. The agony I felt was almost unbearable. I sagged down to my knees, on the floor, crying for what used to be . . . what is now . . . and what would never have the chance to be. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I awoke the next morning, aching all over from falling asleep on the floor. I walked into the bathroom to get ready. Passing the mirror to go turn on the shower, I saw that my eyes were blood shot, and swollen with puffiness. Great, I look like a crackhead. I had one hell of a makeover to work on. I don't want anyone to notice the change in my appearance, so I'm going to try my damnest to look somewhat like my old, healthy self. After I was done getting ready, I went out to stand by the curb to wait for my cab. After 20 minutes of standing in the sweltering heat, the cabdriver finally decided to make his appearance. I had two bags of luggage which the driver so kindly decided NOT to help me with. Instead he watched me struggle with them from the rear view mirror. I mumbled sarcastically to myself, "Gee, Thanks. You're a lot of help" The cabbie heard my comment because he leered at me in the mirror. Today was off to a bad start already. After an hour of sitting in the hot unairconditioned car, listening to the driver spout curses to everybody and their mother, we finally made it to the airport. I got out, and guess what? The driver didn't bother to help me with my luggage there either. I paid him what I owed for the ride, which he rudely grabbed from my hands and began to count. As I turned to walk away, he shouted, "Hey! No tip?" I shouted back, "No way, asshole." Before he could say another word, I spun on my heel and entered the airport. I got to the airport just in time to check in. While making the walk to the gate I'd be leaving from, I heard the announcement for the boarding of my plane being made. As I boarded the plane, I asked the stewardess where seat 18 C was. The stewardess must have had an unpleasant start to her day as well, because as soon as I opened my mouth to ask where my seat was, she gruffly pointed to a seat way in the back. She didn't do much to help my mood, only added to the frustration of my day. I praised God that no one else was sitting next to me because I'm not in any mood to be around people. They've proven to me that I'd rather be alone, than with a bunch of people who were . . . like me. What a depressing thought. The flight took three hours to arrive at the D.C. Intercontinental Airport. By the time we arrived, the gnawing in my stomach grew and I had a headache. Flying was never one of my favorite things. Although I had to fly a lot as an agent, I despised it and got sick every single time. I don't know why, but I was so nervous, though I realized that I had no reason to be. I saw my mother as soon as I entered the airport. It really wasn't hard to miss her by the fact that she sat there with a huge grin on her face and her hands waving wildly in the air. She got up from her seat and rushed over to where I stood. She pulled me into a hug, for which I was deeply grateful. This was the first real human contact I've made with in almost a year. "Mom." "Oh, Dana! I've missed you honey! How's my baby girl?" I wanted to tell her everything was dreadful in my life. That I wanted to come home and forget about everything. I never told my mom about what happened between Mulder and me because I just wanted to forget. But being here in this city, so close to him, I wanted desperately to tell her how much I loved and missed Mulder, but it was just useless. I didn't want to worry her more than she probably already was. My own body was incriminating evidence that I was unhappy, but I said what was most common for me. "I'm fine." My mother gave me a look that said, 'The hell you are.' But she didn't bother to pursue that line of questioning. I figure she thinks I'll tell her in my own time. I let it sink in that I'm actually back. I never really expected myself to come back here, but here I am, in the same place I left Mulder. I've come back full circle, right wear I started. Funny how life really is ironic. I look around the busy airport, buzzing with happy reunions between famiy members and loved ones. I walked across the way and I catch sight of two star-crossed lovers, holding each other in a passionate embrace. My heart aches with grief as I pass them. I can not tear my eyes away from their beautiful union. They symbolized a future that was not mine to have. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Mom suggested to me that we go eat, but I told her that I was tired from my flight. I lied to my own mother, saying that I was ill. Truth is, I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. There was no way my mood would lighten up and I didn't want to ruin my mother's day. When we were nearing mom's new home, I saw a sign that said: "Welcome to Alexandria" right where Mulder lived. Could this day get any worse? It was only three o'clock in the afternoon and already, everything had gone terribly for me. I'm surprised that my plane didn't decide to crash on me too. I couldn't help but wish it had. "Mom, you didn't tell me you moved to Alexandria." "Is there anything wrong with that, dear? I mean, the house is so adorable. And it's comfortable too! Just cozy enough. You know?" I sat in silence as I watched the scenery go by. Finally we arrived at her new home. Mom was right, it was adorable, just perfect for her. It was a spacious one-story home that had a large front yard. Its walls looked to be made of stucco, and the roof was tiled. The house had an air about it, holding an almost European-like look to it. She pulled her 4-Runner into the garage, and we got out of it. She helped me with my luggage as we entered the house. I noticed some of the things had already been taken out, but most of her possessions were still boxed and had yet to be unpacked. I walked through the hallway, passing pictures that were now hung up. I stopped to look at them, tears once again springing to my eyes. I ran my fingers across a picture of my sister and my father together. How I missed them. If I could have said goodbye at least once more. They both left me without letting me say goodbye or that I loved them dearly. That was one of my deepest regrets. Mom placed her aged hand softly on my shoulder, and looked at me understandingly. She knew what I felt because she felt the same thing too. Mom took my hand, gently leading me to the room I'd be staying in. She asked me if I needed anything else, but I sat on the bed and barely nodded my head. I knew mom was concerned for me, but I just wanted to be alone. She respected my feelings, so she quietly left the room. That's what I loved about Mom, she just knew when I needed time to think. She knew when I didn't want to be bothered. Being in the same city as Mulder was almost enough to make me want to run away, but being as close as in the same zip code as Mulder . . . that was sheer torture. My Mulder is so close, yet so far away. I feel him, just almost within reach. I went to put away some of my clothes into the dresser. I pulled open one of the drawers and saw some papers inside that weren't supposed to be there. I thought Mom just used it as storage for the time being. As I moved to put them some place else, a picture fell to the ground. I kneeled down to pick it up. It was turned upside down so I flipped it around and gasped. The picture was of me and Mulder almost two years ago. I had forgotten that this picture had been taken when mom held a party for me, when my cancer went into remission. It was a joyful time. Mulder and I were smiling all over the place. It almost felt like he and I were together. I sat on the bed and looked at the picture more closely. The cancer's remission was probably the first time in a long time when we were able to be happy. My cancer bonded us together, and was supposed to link us for all eternity. When it went away, I thought it would seal our bond, making us two in one forever. Instead, we got ripped apart. He moved on with unforeseen happiness. I left to walk aimlessly into the dark oblivion ahead. Out of anger and despair, I ripped the picture in my hands into tiny pieces. Taking the pieces, I flung it haphazardly at the wall. I fall heavily against the bed, my body feeling suddenly heavy, my spirit dejected. My body no longer being able to hold its weight up, I lay limply on the bed. I was void of emotions and senses. A numbness overcame my body, radiating from the core of my heart to the tips of my fingers and toes. The only feeling I held now was that of apprehension. Something was going to happen. Something was coming. I don't know how I can sense this . . . I just knew. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I had been in Virginia for about five days helping my mom unpack everything. We were nearly done with furnishing the house and putting everything in its place. My spirits were in a better mood than when I first arrived, but I still held a touch of melancholy that could be sensed. I felt like I was walking around with a rain cloud over my head. My physical appearance had somewhat improved because I got some color back into my cheeks. Down in Orange Valley, I rarely ever fed myself, not really caring if I ate or not, but up here, Mom made sure to it that I ate until I felt sick. It seemed like she was always cooking and trying to fatten me up. Guess I couldn't hide my weightloss as well as I thought I could. That's mom for you. While I went around surveying our job on the house, I heard the telephone ring. Mom stood to answer it. "Hello?" I could hear her say. "Hmmm? What? When? Oh, dear. Okay, don't worry. I'll be there as soon as I can. Okay? Talk to you later." My curiousity was peaked. "Mom? Who was that?" I asked. Mom looked a little worried as she approached me. "Dana. It seems there's been a slight accident with your Aunt Helen. You know how she loves to ride horses right?" She said with a hint of hesitation in her tone. I nodded my head, waiting for her to get to the point. "Well, it seems that she went riding one day, and her horse kicked her off. She broke an arm and a leg. She's practically housebound. Since Uncle Mike is out of town, she needs somebody to help her out." I got her drift. "So that person is you?" "Well, she is my sister." "Do you need me to go up with you?" I really didn't want to go, but I asked anyway to be helpful. "No, no dear. I need to leave immediately, so if you could do me a favor and call the airline to make a reservation and call a cab for me, I'd really appreciate it." "No problem Mom." "Thanks, honey." I watched Mom disappear into her room, then I went to book her flight. Mom's cab arrived on time. As the driver proceeded to put the bags in the trunk, Mom turned to me and told me that I could stay as long as I wanted. I only had about three days left in D.C. anyways. I thanked Mom, and kissed her on the cheek. Mom opened the door to the cab and climbed in. I waved to her as her cab continued to pull away. I watched until I couldn't see it anymore, then I turned and walked inside the house. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Having been in Washington D.C. for a week and having done absolutely nothing except spend time with my mom, I decided that I felt like going out. Maybe even take a long walk since it was a cool, sunny day, even though it was mid summer. I walked down the quiet dirt paths of Alexandria Park. I inhaled the clean air, for once in a long time, feeling some kind of strange peace. I glanced around my surroundings, surveying what was going on in the never ending movements of the world. As I passed by the playground, where plenty of children played among themselves, not giving a care about the world, I spotted a little redheaded girl, who couldn't have been more than 2 years old. I smiled as I watched her tiny, chubby, bare feet pitter patter on the ground every step she took, running this way and that. I noticed for the first time, a tall, dark haired man, playfully sneak up behind the little cherub-like girl, as she stood, observing the world around her. The man, presumably her father, ran up to her from behind, and snatched her, swinging her in the air, in different directions. The little red-headed girl shrieked from her initial shock, then burst into cute fits of giggles, as her father brought her tummy to his face and blew on it, making noises. "Daddy! Stop! Tiggles!"> I could hear her say in her baby gibberish. Just then, a thin, redheaded woman walked up to the father/daughter pair, and joined in their frolic. I was truly touched by the scene in front of me. For the first time, I took notice of the situation. A tall, dark haired man, a thin, petite redhead, a small, headheaded baby girl. I was shocked. My fantasy was being displayed right in front of me. This was almost scary. The thing I most longed for, was a reality, just with different people playing the roles. Mulder and I could have easily swapped spots with that couple, except he had * Laura * instead of me. I couldn't help being bitter. My dream was hopelessly ripped to shreads because of circumstances, and of my own bitterness. The family in front of me becoming too much for me to bear, I whirled around quickly, and headed in the direction away from the family. In my haste, I didn't bother to look where I was going, resulting in the fact that I toppled onto someone, hard. This caused both of us to crash to the ground, me landing on a . . . him? Strong hands grabbed me around my waist, holding me tightly as we fell to the dirty path. Feeling my cheeks flare up with embarrassment from my carelessness, I couldn't bare to look at the person I had stumbled into. I quickly jumped to my feet, keeping my eyes to the ground, I mumbled a soft "Sorry." I had not yet looked at the person on the ground. The only thing I could do was keep me eyes focused on my shoes, my hair shielding my face. I extended my hand to help the man up, but as he took my hand, I heard a shocked, "Scully?!" I stood stock-still, then willed myself to look at the man still on the ground. 'Oh my God!' "Mulder." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX The minute I heard that familiar voice utter my name, I knew that the moment I've both been waiting and dreading for had finally arrived. My foreboding feelings decided to become real, striking when I least expected it. I did not, * could not * look at Mulder right away. Shock took over me, refusing to go away. At first, all I could do was look at our joined hands, his large, strong one, gripped in my smaller, more delicate one. Slowly, my eyes trailed up from his hand to the rest of his arm. Then I looked at his broad shoulder, clad tightly in a forest green muscle shirt. Finally, with much reluctance, I looked at his face, into those same hazel eyes I held close to my heart. Only one thing kept repeating itself in my head: 'Mulder, my love, he's here. This is real.' My heart leapt with joy at the sight of * my * Mulder, here, with me, but I knew my expression told another story. Reality snapped back and it dawned on me that Mulder was still on the floor and I was still holding his hand. We must have been a silly sight. Neither one of us spoke a word as I pulled him to an upright position, his body once again towering over me. I inhaled deeply, needing all the strength I could muster, to face him. We continued to stare into one another's eyes, time staying at a stand still. I could not believe this was actually happening. I knew there was a chance that I might run into Mulder, but this was bizarre, my chance became a reality. This felt too much like the lottery, I was that one person out of ten million, and Mulder was my ticket to wealth. The only thing was, to me, Mulder was priceless. After what seemed like ages, Mulder broke eye contact to glance up and down my still form. I didn't realize I had been holding my breath until I exhaled when he finished his perusal of me. He did something unexpectedly, he broke contact with my hand, and pulled me into a big, tight bear hug. I clung to him just as tightly savoring the feel of him against me. When we pulled apart, his face held a wide grin. "Scully. My God, when did you get back? I've missed you. Geez you look great! How is everything?" I looked up at him, watching for any type of emotion that held remorse or longing, but his happiness was genuine. Could it be that he finally DID move on and forget about me? My mind started a panic in a way because even though Mulder and I couldn't be together physically, it was a comfort to know that he loved me. But if he changed his mind . . . My heart constricted at the thought. What if he didn't love me as he said he did? What if it was a last minute panicked attempt to try and get me to stay? I couldn't stand to think that. "Mu Mulder. I I'm fine. I just got back a few days ago . . ." Before I could say anything else, he tugged on my arm, leading me to a near by bench. I sat down as he went to sit across from me. I took the time to examine how he looked. He looked . . . different. This Mulder was not the brooding Mulder I always knew. He looked happy. Bitterness nipped inside of me at the fact that I spent the last year wasting away while he led a happy life. But then again, that's what I wanted right? For him to be happy, right? Wasn't I supposed to be happy that he was happy? Wasn't that supposed to bring me the happiness I sought for? But it didn't. I wasn't sure as to how I felt at the moment, but happiness was not one of my emotions. Mulder's physical appearance was pretty much the same. He still had the lean, muscular frame, but his hair was definitely different. Instead of the longer locks of hair with that stubborn piece that always fell in his face, it now was devoid of ANY hair falling in his face. His hair had been buzzed in a way. It was short and spiky, hair sticking up in every which way. It was new, but I decided that I liked it. It looked good on him. I was unaware of the silence that had fallen upon us, since I was busy admiring Mulder's attributes. He obviously had been doing the same to me. The only thing was, I felt uncomfortable under his intense scrutiny. I was all too aware of the fact that my physical appearance had changed. I was skinnier resulting from my not eating right. My hair was longer, reaching to my shoulders. I probably looked more aged, under all the stress I put on myself. Deciding to break the growing silence, I started to tell him how I came to be here in the first place. "Mulder. You look good. This . . . " I said as I moved to touch his hair, "Looks good on you. It's different, but it looks good." I began to withdraw my hand away from his hair, but he grabbed it and held it gently in his own. I was stumped. "Uh, uh. You must be wondering why I'm here." His face told me that he was. "Well, um. Mom bought a new house, right here in Alexandria as a matter of fact. I came up here to help her move in. I've been here for almost a week now. My flight back to Florida leaves in two days. How's everything in your life?" Mulder sighed and stared into my blue depths. "Scully. Where do I begin? Laura . . ." I was extremely disappointed at the mention of her name. In my mind, I was routing for a divorce. " . . . Laura and I couldn't have been more . . . happy. There's something I need to tell you though . . ." He trailed off, leaving me to question him with my eyes. We were interrupted by a loud, "Oh, my God!!! DANA!!" I looked up shocked, as Laura ran over to where I stood, then grabbed me and pulled me into a hug. The whole time I was aware that Mulder's eyes were watching me. "Dana, when did you get back? This is so great! Fox has missed you so much! What have you been doing with your life? You have to come to our party!" Party? What party? I glanced questioningly at Mulder but only got a raised eyebrow from him in return. "What party?" I finally asked. Laura moved over to Mulder and took his hand into hers. She looked down at him, then back to me. "Why, Dana. Our one year anniversary of course. It's hard to believe that it's been a year since that beautiful day we got married." It never dawned on me that today was the exact date they got married. Just my luck. Everything was coming to me, making themselves known by rubbing me in the face. The sight in front of me made me sick. Two happy love birds. I wanted to cry, but that didn't surprise me, since tears have been making an appearance in my life repeatedly over the past year. "Yes, it's hard to believe that a year has gone by." I said mechanically, with a touch of melancholy in my voice. Mulder heard it and gave me a piercing glance. I didn't look at him, only trying to come up with an excuse not to go to the damned party. "Well, I don't know if I can make it. I'm leaving in a few days, and there are things to . . ." Laura cut me off with her persistence. "Nonsense. You'll be there. That's all. No question, no excuses allowed. It's been a year, Dana. You're here now, so it's time for old friends to get reacquainted. The party's tonight at 7:00 at the Everette Country Club. Don't be late." I tried to smile at her, but it turned out to be a slight grimace instead. Great. A party. Just what I need. I stood, ready to leave, Mulder also getting up in synchronized timing with me. He touched my elbow. "Oh, yeah, you had something to tell me Mulder?" I asked remembering he had said something about needing to tell me something. "No, it can wait until later." I bidded them a farewell, at least until later that night. I walked away from the "happiest couple of the year" and made my way down the path I came from. I couldn't wait until this night was over so I'd be able at last, to end the last chapter of my life here with Mulder. Unaware was I, that Mulder was watching me like a hawk. In his mind, he said, "Oh, yes, Scully. Later, we'll talk. Indeed we will talk. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX The time for the party came rather quickly. I had absolutely no idea what to wear, so I decided on a simple black cocktail dress and some strappy black heels. Normally I wouldn't wear something so daring, because Dana Scully did not do short or strappy, but then again, I'm not the same Dana Scully I used to be. I can't help but think, this is some kind of sad attempt on my part to win Mulder or at least tempt him. I don't remember when I changed so much, but a lot can happen in one year to change people. I pulled up to the Everette Country Club a few minutes before seven. I had no idea what the hell you buy for a person you love more than life itself, and their spouse, whom you envy for their wedding anniversary. I had to make a mad dash for the store to buy a gift for Mulder and Laura simply because I didn't want to show up without a gift. No matter how much I didn't want to be here, I couldn't be rude. I idly thought about skipping this thing, but I had to talk to Mulder. I needed to put things to rest. I knew I couldn't continue the way I was living the past year, or else I would never make it to see my next birthday. I'd literally end up putting myself in a hospital from the emotional stress, if I didn't resolve things with Mulder. What talking with Mulder about the past would do, I don't know, but deep down I knew I had to reveal my heart to him. I needed to know if he meant what he said about loving me, I don't know how this could help me, but I had to end things between us once and for all. I grabbed the gift from the back seat and walked up to the doorman. He took my name, confirmed that I was invited, then let me inside the country club. Once inside, I decided that Mulder definitely went all out for this party. The club was huge. It was absolutely beautiful, extremely elegant. I noticed this place was probably for the rich, judging by all the dcor and the food they were serving. Plenty of finger foods, drinks, alcohol, yup everything to satisfy society's finest. I wondered if Mulder won the lottery. Many people already arrived at the party by the time I got there, but I had yet to see Mulder. I placed my gift on the table with all the other gifts, then walked aimlessly around the room filled with a whole bunch of strangers. After 30 minutes of making mindless chitchat with people who I had no clue as to who they were, I began to wonder if Mulder and Laura decided to bail on their own party. That is, until I spotted them making rounds around the room greeting people. Mulder and Laura's arms were locked and Mulder stood looking lazily around the room. Suddenly our eyes met. That same feeling of time standing still happened again. Almost as if in slow motion, Mulder excused himself from Laura and company, and made his way over to me. He came right up to me and kissed me on the cheek. My eyes widened with surprise. They widened even more when he asked me to join him in a dance. I was flustered but I said yes anyway. He led me to the dance floor where there were plenty of other couples dancing as well. He held me tight to him. I couldn't help but think that this was total dejavu of the year before, where he held me to him and we danced together. The same feeling of sadness swept over me. The song we were dancing to really struck close to home. "Take me, back into the arms I love, Need me, like you did before Touch me once again And remember when There was no one that you wanted more." "Don't go, you know you will break my heart, she won't love you like I will I'm the one who'll stay, When she walks away, And you know I'll be standing here still." "I'll be waiting for you here inside my heart I'm the one who wants to love you more." 'My God.' This song is speaking my heart. We continued to sway together, until halfway through the song, the spell we were in got to me, and I felt faint. I broke away from Mulder and ran out of the club. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I stood outside in the cool night, gasping for air, feeling that any minute, I would pass out. A woman with dark hair came up to me, holding a glass of water. I looked at her quizzically, but all she did was motion to the glass in her hand. I took it, thanking her, and drank the cold water gratefully. I closed my eyes as the water fluidly went down my parched throat. I opened my eyes expecting the woman to have left, but she stood in front of me, watching me closely. I began to feel slightly uncomfortable. Inside I could hear the faint strains of music flowing. I paid no heed to the woman in front of me, actually forgetting about her, and remembered how Mulder had held me as we danced. The music reached me from inside, and I once again listened to the words that spoke louder to me than anything else. "See me, as if you never knew. Hold me, so you can't let go, Just believe in me I will make you see All the things that your heart needs to know." "And some way, all the love that we had can be saved, whatever it takes, we'll find the way." "I'll be waiting for you here inside my heart I'm the one who wants to love you more Can't you see I can give you Everything you need Let me be the one to love you more." These words were so true. I'm the one who loves Mulder so much, I'm the one who can give him everything because even if I can't give him what he seeks, I'll give him everything I possess, physically and spiritually, just because I love him. It's that simple. I was unaware that the woman had been watching my emotions play on my face. I was unaware that she was still there until she spoke something that stunned me. "You love him, don't you." I looked at this woman through glassy, wide eyes. I whispered, "Who are you? How do you know?" I didn't ask why she would ask me that, I asked HOW she knew. I didn't bother to hide how I felt for him at this point. She smiled tenderly at me. Who was this woman? Almost as though reading my thoughts, she answered, "I'm someone very dear to Fox." I gazed at this woman. She was very pretty, as well as very tall. I'd never seen her in my life, but she seemed to know me. "He loves you too, Dana." That statement shocked me, as well as the fact she knew my first name. I stood stock still, not exactly sure what to say. I looked into those woman's eyes, and was able to see through her. Those eyes looked so familiar. Mulder's eyes. The woman had Mulder's eyes. "Samantha?" The name left my mouth before I could think about what I said. I didn't know how I knew this was her, but I just knew. I didn't question the validity of my thoughts. I just knew undoubtedly that it was her, the real Samantha. She smiled at me. Nodding her head she told me . . . "Dana, follow your heart. Fox may seem happy, but the only thing that can make him truly happy is you." My emotions were conflicting. I didn't know what to think. I was talking to a woman who was Mulder's long lost sister, but he happened to not mention her. I attributed it to my not feeling well, but she seemed to read my thoughts yet again and answered me. "No you're not imagining this. I'm really here, talking to you. He loves you deeply, Dana. He can't live without you. I know my brother. He puts a front with Laura and the rest of the world, but his mind speaks differently. Did you know he even kept your old apartment, renting it out without Laura's knowledge?" I gaped at her. Mulder kept my old apartment? "Yes, he kept your old apartment. He thinks that it's the only place he can feel close to you. He goes there whenever he feels alone, or has a need to feel your presence. He often does work there. Surprisingly, it's become more of his office/home, than that old basement that belonged to you two. He's crumbling inside, Dana. You're the only one who can save him." Finally I spoke, "But he's married, Samantha. Not only in paper, but in the eyes of God. How can I compete with what he has with Laura." "Yes Dana, marriage is sacred and supposed to be forever, but how can it be sacred if one of the parties involved doesn't feel what he should. Don't you think that it would be even more sacraligious for him to live a lie in a marriage he doesn't cherish. How could his marriage be sacred, when in his mind, he's married to someone else? You think he's forgotten you, that he's moved on, but you're far from the truth. He may think that finding me is the truth, but your love for each other is the ultimate truth you seek." I didn't answer her, but the last statement she said didn't truly hit me until later. Suddenly the door to the country club opened and out stepped Mulder. I turned around from Samantha to see Mulder step tentatively towards me. I turned to glance at Sam again, but she wasn't there. I was puzzled, but didn't have time to dwell on it. Mulder was in front of me, but my mind was whirling from what Samantha had said, "He loves you." Mulder reached up to cup my face. "It's been so long, Scully, Dana. I've missed you." I silenced his, taking his hand away from my face. Despite what Samantha had said to me, I needed to hear it from him. "Mulder, do you still love me. Did you ever love me?" He had a pained expression on his face. I could see the emotions swirl around in his eyes. Confusion, despair, desperation, hope, love? "Scully, Laura and I . . . we've learned to move on. We've, I've put the past behind me. I couldn't live with what used to be. I had to move on. Please understand." My heart was torn. Even if what Sam said was true, Mulder obviously didn't believe it himself. I dropped his hands from mine. I didn't need to hear anymore. That's all he needed to say to me. I mustered what dignity I had left. I stood my full height, my back ram rod straight, my head held high. My voice threatening to fail me, I whispered: "Well, I guess that's all I needed to hear then." With my eyes glassy with unshed tears, my heart filled with pain, I turned around and walked away. I got what I had come here to do. Mulder and I were severed forever. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I drove home with tears spilling from my eyes. I couldn't stay here any longer, even for two more days. I needed to get out of here. As soon as I got home, I made a reservation for the next flight out of Washington D.C. and packed my things. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Mulder had watched Scully walk off. He couldn't believe he let her walk away like that. He had gotten a second chance with her as he had prayed to God he would, but he threw it away. Emptiness filled his heart with the knowledge that Dana Scully would never be back. He turned to walk back to the now empty party, unaware that Laura had seen what had gone on between him and Scully. Mulder walked into the empty room, ready to get Laura so that they could leave. This whole night had been a nightmare. All he could think about was Scully, how she looked, how she smelled, how much he loved her, how incomplete he felt without her. He needed Scully, but he just didn't have the heart to tell Laura. When he saw Laura sitting alone on the couch, he knew something was wrong in the expression her face held. "Laura, honey, what's wrong?" Laura, who had been staring into space, looked up at Mulder and straight into his eyes. She knew what she had been getting herself into when she first married Fox. She thought she could make him forget Dana, but in the long run, she was the only one who would get hurt out of this attempted marriage. "Fox I love you, you know that, right?" Mulder gazed at Laura, but didn't know where she was going with this. "Yeah, I love you too. What's this about?" Laura scoffed at him. A tear drop made it's way down her face. "Fox, I tried. I really did try. I thought I could make this work, but I can't anymore. The longer I stay, the longer it'll hurt both of us." Mulder was truly puzzled. What the hell? "Laura . . ." Laura put a finger to his lips and silenced him. "Fox, shh. Let me speak before I can't get the words out. I thought when I first started dating you that I could make you love me and forget Dana." Mulder was shocked. Laura knew? "I thought when you married me, you really did get over Dana, that you were no longer in love with her. I should have realized that marrying me was just an attempt to forget her. I know you love me Fox, but you love Dana more. You love her in a way you can never love me. At first I couldn't accept it, but I have. Who was I to come in the way of true love? I don't blame you for feeling the way you feel. Fate can be a cruel thing. You've devoted our marriage in trying to make it work. I know you tried, but it just wasn't enough. We lack what you and Dana have. I saw you both tonight. I saw the love you held in your eyes when you looked at her. Tonight just confirmed everything I've tried to deny. Go to her Fox. This marriage was a mistake. I can't fight myself anymore. I want you to be with her. If she makes you happy, then I can live with that. Please, go to her, before you lose her forever." Mulder sat quietly, emotions running around in his mind at a hundred miles per hour. He took Laura's face in his hands, and gently kissed her forehead. He peered into her eyes, gratefulness shining through. "I'll never forget you. Thank you, Laura. I'm sorry we couldn't make things work out." Laura pulled away from him. His touch was getting too much for her. If he didn't leave now, she didn't know if she would have the strength to let him leave. "Fox, GO. If you don't leave now, I won't be able to let you go. Please. Go to her, now." Mulder stood and ran out the door. He realized he had no idea where Scully was staying, but he knew how he could find out. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed a familiar number. "Hey, Frohike. I need you to get a number . . ." Laura went outside, watching Fox get into his car. As his car pulled out of the lot, she walked towards her own. She knew what she did was for the best. In a way, her heart felt lighter, less burdened. She had things to do. First of all, she had to get an annulment for their marriage, then she would find a place to live. Yes, she felt better. She had done the right thing. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I drove to the airport. My flight left in less than an hour and I needed to go. I left a note tacked to the door outside so Mom would know I left when she got home. I prepared myself mentally, as I drove away, to have the strength to move on. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Mulder arrived at the address of Mrs. Scully's new house, the one Frohike gave him. He thought he had somehow beaten Scully home, judging from the darkness of the house, but when he went up to the door to ring the bell, no one answered. He went around to the side door and noticed a note. He pulled it from its tack and held it up to the light. "Mom, I had to leave on short notice. Don't worry, I'm fine. I'll call you when I arrive home. If you're not there, then just give me a ring when you get back." Dana." 'Shit, she left. Okay okay, she's going to the airport. Orange Valley.' Mulder ran to his car, and hauled ass to the airport praying that he wasn't too late. Too late in stopping Scully and saving their future. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I took a seat and waited for my plane to be called. This day was definitely a day of dejavu. I danced with Mulder before I left, just like at his wedding. I ended up at an airport. What else would happen? I glanced around the almost empty airport. Across from me was . . . Samantha? She smiled an enigmatic smile at me and pointed to my coat pocket. I was baffled, but checked my pockets anyway. I felt a slip of paper in my coat, and pulled it from its hiding spot. "Remember Dana, he loves you. You love him. You can't deny true love. True love always prevails. Let it guide you. Let yourselves be the strength for each other. Your love is the truth. Tell Fox, I love him and I miss him. I'll see you both soon. Till then Dana. Samantha P.S. Look up." Look up? Oh this day was just getting weirder and weirder. I looked up and came in eye contact with MULDER? I pocketed the note once more and stood up. Mulder reached me breathless. A thought passed through my head briefly, 'Definite dejavu.' "Mulder, why do we always end up meeting in an airport?" His grin was wry. "Dana, I love you." God! He said it. Why now? "God Mulder, you have the most awful timing." He looked me square in the eye. Gently, almost like a whisper, he bent down, and kissed me softly on the lips. I didn't expect that so I pulled away and looked questioningly at him. I touched my lips, feeling where his were only a few seconds ago. "Mulder! We can't do this. Y- You're married! This can't be happening." I felt dizziness overcome me. I had to sit down. My God, Mulder just kissed me. "Scully, Laura left me." Sweet Jesus. Praise God! Somebody out there is watching over me. Idly I thought about Samantha. Still I was skeptical. "But, what about tonight. You guys just celebrated your anniversary!" "She left me, as soon as you left. She knows something in my heart, that I've long denied. I can't deny it anymore, Scully. I need you. You are my world. When you left me, I felt like my soul just upped and walked away from me. I was empty inside. I did things to try to make it feel like you were near me. I even kept your old apartment to try to be near you." 'I know,' I thought. "Scully. I love you. You are my lifeline. Without you I'm nothing. If I don't have you, I don't have anything. If you still love me, please take me. My heart is, and always will be yours." Tears were pouring from my eyes. Those were the most romantic words anyone has ever spoken to me. I read his eyes. They were as sincere as his words. He LOVES me. Pure joy surged through my veins. I smiled a genuine smile at him. We had each other, we loved each other, that's all that mattered. "I love you Mulder. I've never stopped." His face broke out into a grin that spread from ear to ear. We gazed into each other's eyes, our faces moving closer and closer until we could feel the other's breaths on our own faces. I looked one last time into Mulder's eyes, and made that final move until our lips met. His lips were so sweet, sweeter than I ever imagined. I sucked on that pouty lower lip of his, the one that I always wanted to show attention to. Our lips moved together. I felt like I was in heaven when his tongue gently begged entrance into my mouth. I opened slowly, allowing his tongue access. This kiss signified our bond. It sealed us together. As much as I didn't want to end our taste of heaven, I tore my lips from his and gazed into his eyes. I felt almost drugged, but I could tell he was under the same affect I was. We didn't need any words to be spoken. He pulled me into an embrace, kissing me on top of my head. Mulder got to his feet and pulled me with him. We began walking away from the lobby, and I spotted Samantha. I started to question Mulder about Samantha, but I shut my mouth as I recalled Sam's words to me. 'He may think finding me is the truth . . . Tell Fox I love him and I miss him. I'll see you both soon.' Samantha just smiled as we walked by her. Mulder didn't see her, but I did. My skepticism didn't even jump in. This was Samantha, she was right, Mulder and I belong to each other. That left me with, we * will * see her. Probably soon. I was thankful to God, or whoever was out there for not letting me walk away. I held Mulder's hand as we walked out the airport together. I didn't know where we would go from here, but it didn't matter as long as we were together. My journey had been bumpy, but I've come full circle to find the truth. Mulder is my truth and I am his. We'll face this world together. We have each other's strength and love to guide us along the way. We'll begin a journey that is our own. Together. Nothing else matters. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Finis Well that's all. Definitely no more. Hope this didn't suck. Of course, sequels are usually never better than the first one, that's how I feel about this piece. But oh well. It's good enough, right? You guys gotta tell me. Oh yeah, I know Mulder was still married when he and Scully kissed, but for romance sake, just go with it, alrighty? Just mail those comments to (kimmipooh@worldnet.att.net) My mailbox is greedy for attention, just to let you know that! Thanks for reading!