From: Jeiquest4X Date: 10 Mar 1999 01:50:15 GMT Subject: NEW: Severence (1/1) Title: Severance (1/1) Author: Jei lje@poboxes.com Rating: PG - Language Size: 3k Category: MSR Month/year of posting: 3/99 Spoilers: One Son Keywords: Scully Angst Summary: A short vignette told in the first person. (Scully's point of view) Archive: Yes, please let me know where it goes. AUTHOR'S NOTES: After some disquieting thoughts a few other Philes had toward Mulder after the airing of One Son, I decided to write this. I just felt the need to write this and get it out of my system. This is my first effort in the world of X-Files fanfiction. Special thanks to a really cool lady, Jamee The truth is out there and we've got it ;) And a humble thank you to Shell. '~'^|^'*'^|^'*'^|^'~' '~'^|^'*'^|^'*'^|^'~' Severance It is time for a severance to take place: the toll of devotion is more then I can pay. Devoting my life to one man, to his cause in which his dreams became my dreams. His thoughts became my thoughts until it was impossible to tell just where he ended and I began. It wasn't something that happened over night. In fact at first I was aware of the separate conciseness that began edging it's way into my own. The maintenance of my individuality was priority, but in the end my fight was in vain. In truth I was powerless to it no matter how I wanted to believe other wise. The only thing I could hope for was that we would learn together and sooth the wounds that were inevitable. I was given a pearl of wisdom once, yes a precious piece that I should have held closer and taken to heart. I can hear her beloved voice even now, telling me to be careful with my heart as she rocked me on her knee. "Katherine, don't get too attached" she'd admonished. She called me Katherine as I was her namesake. "Never let one man encompass your soul - never give anyone that kind of power. Why? Because after awhile, honey, the loving fades. He gets tired you get tired and he and leaves you for a sweet young face. And what do you get in return? I'll tell you what, a pair of old shoes under your bed and hungry mouths to feed." And she would know, for it was all she'd been left with. Yes, good advice and I didn't listen. Well, my head had every intention it was my heart that had other ideas. I thought that for sure we'd be different and that we would make it. Hell, I had every reason to think so. We'd beaten the odds before and surely we would do so again. Together we had walked hand in hand from one side of hell to the other, daring to laugh in the devil's face along the way. I gave that man my soul and what did I get in return? A pair of old shoes, and a raggedy poster. Perhaps, it wouldn't hurt so badly if he had left me for a pretty face. Then I'd have something tangible to focus this rage upon. Thank god there weren't any mouths to feed. Lord, I couldn't have taken that. Not that I didn't want them or need them, but that would have been disastrous and we would have been irrevocably bonded. This way, the break is mercifully quick and clean. Unmarred by anything other than this intense pain and feeling of abandonment. No I'm not bitter, why do you ask? Still, I have to admit I know I'm being unfair. He wasn't a bad sort. No, not really. There were many times he was the sweetest most caring man I had ever known. With the soul of a poet, the mind of a master, and a heart more capable of love than anyone thought to give him credit for, everyone but me. His eyes were a picture book of emotion, anything you wanted to know was right there in front of you. All you had to do was look in those eyes. You could swim in their crystal clear depths, and I did. I not only swam, I drowned and happily so. He was my heaven and my hell all wrapped up into one beautiful screwed up package. And can I tell you there were times I had fun unwrapping him and messing with this mind? But that's over now and I mourn its passing with a pain so deep it threatens my sanity. The time has come for me. I must face the future on my own, with only my two hands and one heart. Yet I can only wonder what kind of service they will render me now that heir complement is gone. Well damn him! How dare he! How dare he do this to me! He didn't play by the rules, and he hadn't played fair. He chose not to complete the journey with me saying that one day I would understand why he did what he did. I pray for that day to come. That the uncertainty and pain I'm trying so hard to hide will no longer weigh my footsteps down. It hasn't escaped my notice, the irony of it all as I close the door one last time to this room that has been a part of my life more than any room should ever have the right to be. Perhaps they'll relegate another one of the 'FBI's Most Unwanted' down here into the pit. And perhaps they'll accomplish what I can only dream about now. The first time I walked into this room I was young and nave -- fresh ready to impress. I was prepared to shoot down any notion of extreme possibilities. Now I leave it older and wiser with nothing to prove. He knew I had changed. He was an integral part of that change. I know that it saddened him to realize that he was the cause of my downward spiral from grace. But he left without knowing, and now he'll never know. That above all else he changed me into something I myself had thought impossible. Who knew? Who could have foreseen? That I too want to believe. (End) Jeiquest Fade to Black