From hall54@blyonline.com Mon Feb 10 16:37:39 1997 Title: 'Sewerside': The Beginning Author: Will Hall Rating: PG [For a strange subject matter] Classification: Humor, Crossover, X-File Feedback: Always welcome & appreciated. (send it to: hall54@blyonline.com) Summary: This story starts out as a somewhat ridiculous spoof, but as it progresses it shifts more towards the pure ignorance end of the spectrum. There actually is a plot, so I have to tone down the exceptionally witty humor (yeah, right) occasionally, in order to develop it. If you're wondering what the plot is, I'll tell you this much: It involves a Mayan corn goddess, and toilet paper. So, basically, don't expect to be rolling on the floor laughing, but instead prepare to say " That is just stupid," a lot. Disclaimer: All right. I admit it. I didn't think up the X-Files. I lived a few of them, does that count? Oh, well. Chris, I know you're reading this, don't sue, please. Author's Notes: Since I got a lot of positive feedback from my last humor post, ("Of X-Philes and Philo-X's...) I decided to write another one. This one kind of pokes fun at LAPD: Life on the Beat, as well as the X-Files. I have no idea where I came up with the subject of the X-File, so don't ask. I'd like to thank the Encyclopedia Mystica for the info on the various corn gods/goddesses (yeah, there's more than one of them, but I only used on in the story.) I would definately recommend that you check out their web site if you need info on mystical characters for your fanfic (or anything else for that matter.) Thanx to the following folks for quotes: George Bush, and George Lucas. Thanx to the following shows/movies for theme music: Dragnet; The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Awards I'm hoping for: Subject-Line with most colons in it. Subject matter most directly related to colons (not the punctuation :) Oh yeah, and don't repost this without my name, and e-mail on it. --------------- 321 Contact St. , Los Angeles, CA 9:43 PM --------------- The foul stench of shower-deprived people mixed with beer and human waste filled the air as Sgt. Rogers (little-known brother of the famous Mr. Rogers) knocked on the door of the house located at 321 Contact St. After a few seconds, a woman answered the door; she was bleeding, she had something smeared on her face, and was trying to hold back tears, and colorful language. Sgt. Rogers looked directly at the camera and said "Sgt. Rogers, LAPD," in a James Bond type voice. "What seems to be the problem?" "Hey, are you related to Mr. Rogers?" "Thats beside the point, ma'am." "Oh sorry," the woman said, "Its....my husband, he......" "He what, ma'am?" Sgt. Rogers darted back, sounding more like Joe Friday now. "He hit me on the head with......with a roll of toilet paper." "A roll of toilet paper, ma'am?" Rogers said, raising an eyebrow. "Yes.......it was *used* toilet paper," the woman said. "That's disgusting!.....Officer...yeah, you. Get me my cell phone." "You don't have a cell phone, sir," the officer replied. "Oh. I need to get one. Anyway, get me a radio," Rogers darted back, recovering quickly. "The radio's in your car, sir." "Well, get it and bring it over here." "Its, uh, attached to the car, sir." the officer said, seeming a bit confused. "Well, then I guess you'll have to bring the car over here, then won't you?!" "Sir, you are on the porch." "I know where I am," Rogers said, becoming very annoyed, "Oh. Oh, I see your point. I'll go get the radio." "All right, sir." Sgt. Rogers walked to his squad car, and, again looking at the camera, radioed the station. "Get some feds over here. I've got a UTAB here on 321 Contact." The voice on the other end replied, "A yootab, sir?" "A used toilet paper assault and battery." "OK, sir, I'll get the feds over there." "Oh, and try to get Mulder, eh? He's in town, and I'd like his opinion," Rogers said. "I'll see what I can do." Fifteen minutes later, Scully and Mulder arrived on the seen and ducked under the yellow tape. Sgt. Rogers approached them, and introduced himself. "Hey, aren't you that guy who's related to Mr. Rogers?" Mulder asked. "Yeah, but thats not important. I've got a UTAB here." "A yootab?" Scully asked bewildered. "A used toilet paper assault and battery," Rogers clarified. "Sorry, I wasn't familiar with the terminology," Scully said. "Don't you think the police tape and all is a bit much for a sewerside?" Mulder asked. "It wasn't a suicide." Rogers replied. "I know, I said sewerside." "Oh, OK. Well if you'll follow me this way I'll show you why we've got all the commotion going on here." Rogers led Mulder and Scully through the front door. "As you can see the woman is dead, and she has human waste smeared all over her." "What kind of crap is this?" Mulder said, half-joking. "Was she alive when you got here?" Scully asked. "Yes. It wasn't a pretty sight, but she was alive." Mulder looked around the room. The walls were lacking paint, the floor had pills and cigarettes strewn throughout it. After noting various other items that were begging for maintenence, Mulder's eyes rested on a middle aged man wearing a white T-shirt that was roughly three sizes too small. Even Mulder was repulsed by the man's appearance, he [the man, not Mulder] hadn't shaved in about a month, he hadn't combed his hair in at least a week, Mulder didn't care to guess when he last washed it. To top it off, the man held three cigarettes in one hand, and in the other he held a milk-jug-sized container of beer; he also had a piece of toilet paper sticking out the back of his pants. He seemed to be explaining to the Police that he knew absolutely nothing about the incident. "He must have been in the shower," Mulder thought to himself. Scully who was walking around the room, looking for evidence, thought to herself, "This isn't going to be a 'normal' X-File. And the autopsy would be...." She flinched at that thought. Scully sighed. She looked across the room, she saw Mulder staring down at the floor. "Why was Mulder interested in this case, anyway?" she thought. She decided to go ask him. "Mulder, why are you interested in this case, anyway?" Mulder thought for a second then replied. "Well, this isn't the first time an incident like this has occurred. There was another one about three years ago. Since we were here, I thought we might as well check it out." "You mean.....there's more people out there who have died by toilet paper being thrown at them?" Scully said, now wishing she had never brought it up. "I'm afraid so. Probably more than you know about, Agent Mulder." Rogers broke in and said. "So, where have the other deaths occurred?" Scully asked. "Lets head back to the station; we'll talk there." Rogers said, looking at the camera again, and pausing for effect. --------------- At the Station 10:39 PM --------------- "Are you suggesting that these deaths were caused by the toilet paper?" Scully asked. "Well, why not? It makes perfect sense." "Perfect sense?!" "It can't be the -well, you know...because otherwise it would've killed attackers, too. "Well, why haven't there been more deaths then? If a whole company started producing..... defective toilet paper, don't you think it would've affected a few more people?" "How many people do you know that throw used toilet paper at people?" Mulder said. "Uh-.....I-...Well-.....three,uh-.., I mean none." "Very funny, but this isn't a laughing matter. I don't think it was the manufacturer, I think it was someone else." Scully thought for a moment. "Who? And what did they do to it?" "I don't know......yet." "Ah, Agent Mulder. We talked to Mr. Gordon who was walking by the house at the time of the attack. He says he heard a scream, then a boom, then he phoned the police." Rogers said, then glanced back at the camera. "A boom?" Scully commented. "Yes. A boom." Rogers said. "Can you elaborate on that?" Mulder asked. "Well, he said it sounded like a gunshot, but not quite as loud, and he said it sounded muffled, by a sandwich of some kind he thought, or perhaps a corncob. Then, he said he heard someone yell "I am Xilonen!" Rogers said. "Xilonen?" Scully said raising an eyebrow. "Xilonen is the Mayan god of maize, or corn. In the summer, they sacrificed humans to him, in hopes of a good harvest." Mulder said. "But why would someone sacrifice this woman to Xilonen? No one grows corn in LA." "Maybe he's the god of marijuana, too! Ha-" Rogers stopped mid-sentence, then turned and smiled at the camera. Mulder looked at Scully, "I don't know whats going on, but I do know this, we're in some deep doo-doo." [Inset Dragnet Theme Here] END OF PART ONE From hall54@blyonline.com Mon Feb 10 16:38:40 1997 Title: 'Sewerside: The Conclusion' Disclaimer, Summary, etc.: See Part One --------------- Downtown LA, 8:45 AM --------------- "So, you think the Mayan corn god is mad at us? Why?" Scully said, managing not to laugh. "I don't know yet. I just don't get it; how does corn tie in with....well, you know." " So, where are we going to find out?" "Seattle. There was another similar murder there." Mulder said. "How similar?" "Scully, there is a fine line between UTAB's and non-UTAB's. This is a UTAB, or actually, a UTAB turned homicide." "Mulder, what are you trying to prove? That a Mayan corn god is punishing America through.....UTABs?" Scully asked, hoping Mulder would change his mind about Seattle. "No. Well....I don't know, we'll just have to see." --------------- Seattle, WA 3:21 PM --------------- "Detective, what do you have for us?" Mulder said, getting right to the point. "Well, its the darndest thing. We had a homicide last night, and when we found the body, it was-" "We know, detective." Scully said. "So, where's the witness?" Mulder asked. "Mr. Moore lives at 12 Shoe Lane, apartment: BM." "All right, lets go, then. Oh, and I hope you don't mind, we brought Sgt. Rogers of the LAPD with us. We're filming a show." "Uh, all right," Detective Smith said. Twenty minutes later, Mulder, Scully, Sgt. Rogers, Detective Smith, and a few camera men arrived at 12 Shoe Lane, Apartment: BM. Mulder knocked on the door. "Coming.... Hold on........hi....Ha! HAHA! Yeah! All right!" "What are you so excited about, Mr. Moore?" Mulder said. "I won, didn't I?" "Won what?" Detective Smith asked. "The 10 million! Thats why you've got the cameras, and you're all wearing suits, right?!" "No, I'm Detective Smith with the Seattle PD, this is agent Mulder, this is Agent Scully, and over there on the end is Sgt. Rogers of the LAPD." "Hi." Rogers said. "Hey wait a minute, aren't you Mr. Rogers brother?" "Yes," Rogers said smiling. "But I didn't win anything?" Mr. Moore said, sounding disappointed. "Well, I won a free order of fries at Wendy's the other day, you can have that." Rogers offered, then smiled at the camera. "Mr. Moore, we're here to talk to you about what you heard last night." Mulder said. "OK. Well, it was kinda like a gunshot, but it was muffled, with some kind of food, I think. Oh, yeah and then somebody screamed "Behold the wrath of Xilonen!" "Did you notice anything else?" "Yeah, it smelled really bad, like a sewer or something." Mr. Moore said. "Thank you, Mr. Moore, we will contact you if we need any more information," Detective Smith said. The camera man looked at his camera awkwardly then said, "Um, I didn't get that on tape, could you say it one more time, please?" "Thank you, Mr. Moore, we will contact you if we need any more information.....There, did you get it that time? "Yeah." "Can Scully and I have a look at the crime scene, detective?" "Sure, lets head on down there now." Mulder was greeted by the same pleasant smell that he remembered all to well from the previous day. It was a smell that stuck with you. Like one of those 'Living in the Retro 70's Disco Parties' ads, it melded a little piece of everything you hated most together to make something entirely new, that you hated even more; then it drilled it into the deep dark recesses of the mind for permanent storage. Mulder looked around the apartment and saw a little blood and a lot of- well you know... "That smell is awful!" Scully said, covering her nose. "What is this?" Rogers said, hunched behind a bed near the window, and holding up a corn cob. "Its a corn cob. Can you not see that?" Smith said. "I know that, I mean why is it here? Why didn't you find it last night?" Rogers said. "Good point," Smith answered, "we searched this place from top to bottom, and there were definitely no corn cobs." "Well, then it would seem our corn god has returned to the scene of the crime. Have you made any arrests in this case, detective?" "No, but I can radio the station, and see if they've made any arrests since we left." "Why don't you do that," Scully said. "And Rogers, I guess you better call the LAPD, and tell them that they might want to release the husband of the LA victim." Mulder and Scully discussed the case for a moment, periodically glancing over at Smith, to see that he was still in his squad car. "I don't see how you think you're going to arrest someone on the evidence we've got now. All we have is a corn cob, Mulder." "Just wait and see, Scully." Scully was abnout to speak, then she saw something behind Mulder. "Mulder, look!" Mulder turned around to see an oddly dressed woman with long stringy hair running behind a building across the street. "Hey you! FBI, Stop!" It was no use, the woman had already vanished, they had to hurry. "Smith!" Mulder shouted, "Start the car. We've got to go." "But what about Rogers?" Smith asked. "We'll come back for him later, we've got to go now," Scully said as she and Mulder hopped into the car. X X X X X X X X X --------------- Back at the Station 4:52 PM --------------- Clayton, a professor of Mythology at a nearby college sat at a desk studying a police sketch of the woman they saw. "It seems to be a very authentic-looking costume," he said, "she must have done a lot of research. Note, the stringy hair, symbolic of the stringy tassles you find inside unshucked corn." "Wasn't Xilonen a Mayan corn god, rather than a goddess?" Mulder asked. "No. Xilonen was a goddess." "Oh. Well, anyway, Mr. Clayton can you think of any reason why a Mayan corn goddess, or someone who thought they were a Mayan corn goddess would commit murder in the name of corn?" Mulder asked. "I haven't a clue." "Do you see any connection between a Mayan corn goddess, and- well, you know?" Scully asked. "Was there a Mayan goddess of excrement that she was enemies with or something?" "I'm afraid not." Clayton said. Do you think the murders have anything to do with the sacrificial customs surrounding this goddess?" Mulder asked. "I wouldn't be surprised, but I can't see the connection." "Well, thank you professor, I think you can go now," Mulder said. Mulder and Scully walked out of the conference room, and turned to leave the station, when Detective Smith came running up to them, "Mulder, there's been another one! In DC!" "All right. I guess we'll be leaving in the morning, then," Mulder said. "Not without me, I hope." Mulder turned to see Rogers standing in the doorway, soaked from the rain. X X X X X X X X X --------------- 56 Stick Drive, Washington DC 10:27 AM --------------- Mulder approached one of the agents that was investigating the scene, and asked, "What's the story here?" "Looks like we've got a UTAB turned homicide," the agent said. "Any suspects yet?" Mulder asked. "No. She was the only one home as far as the neighbors knew." Mulder went into the house, Scully was already there talking to a police officer, and Rogers was already there, snooping around in the kitchen. Mulder was about to join Scully's discussion when he heard Rogers call "I found something!" Mulder hurried over there, and Rogers handed him the object. It was a piece of hotel stationary from the Holiday Inn, on it was written '25.' "Scully," he said, "I think I know where we should go next." --------------- Holiday Inn 12:13PM --------------- Mulder walked towards room number 25. He was too close to be stopped now. He went to kick the door in when Scully yelled, "Mulder wait!" But it was too late, Mulder had already kicked it in. A scream came from inside, and Mulder found himself staring at a 400 pound woman wearing only a towel. "I tried to tell you, Mulder, that was room number 24," Scully said. Mulder apologized and shut the door. Then he looked to the door of room 25. He kicked it as hard as he could, and it flew open. He found himself staring at the woman from Seattle. She stared back at him, coldly. [Insert Theme from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" aka 'that oooweeeoooweeeooo wah wah wah noise'] Mulder looked to the right of her. It was Cigarette Man, and he was wearing a Mayan head dress. "I should've known you were behind this," he said. A camera man broke the odd silence by saying, "Man, the ratings are gonna be through the roof." Mulder glanced at the camera man, then looked back to cigarette man. "Why'd you do it?" he asked. Cigarette Man stared back at him. [Insert theme from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly," again] "Its quite simple, really. I wanted to preserve the Mayan culture. Toilet paper had replaced corn as the bathroom cleaning item of choice; this angered Xilonen, so I created a toilet paper scare," Cigarette Man said. Then he looked at Rogers, "Aren't you Mr. Rogers's brother?" Rogers gave a sinister nod, then said, "And aren't you the Marlburo Man's brother?" Cigarette Man nodded. [Just for fun, lets insert the theme from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly," one more time.] Then he turned to Mulder, and said,"You can't win, Fox. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could ever imagine." THE GOOD - Mulder and Scully. THE BAD- Cigarette Man. THE UGLY- Sgt. Rogers, Mr. Rogers, and the Marlburo Man. THE END?????