From: Mirax327 Date: 21 Sep 1998 22:52:37 GMT Subject: NEW: Show me yours, and I'll show you mine Title: Show Me Yours & I'll Show You Mine Author: Tina Geneveive (Mirax327@aol.com) Rating: uh... PG-13 Spoilers: not for XF. at least, not really. I might ruin the endings of a few old movies for you. Classification: SH Keywords: Mulder/Scully Friendship, Mulder/Scully UST Summary: Mulder and Scully have a conversation in the office, where they discuss anything and everything. Author's Note: The absolute best thing about the X-Files (well... maybe second to St. Vince's shippy moments) is the interaction between Mulder and Scully. However, there is absolutely *no* way to write the characters in this piece as well as Dave and Gillian play them. Therefore, ... I didn't. This story may get a bit confusing at times, but just try to let yourself think you're watching an ep (which, you may have noticed, also does not give a play-by-play.). If you know the characters and their verbal parlance, you'll do just fine. Disclaimer: Nothing in here is mine. I truly wish it was, since this story has what I think are probably all of my favorite things in poplular entertainment, yet sadly enough, I've got about a snowball's chance in hell of getting any of them. Sucks to be me. But, for a change, not everything in this story belongs to Chris Carter. He knows what does, and believe you me, he's very posessive of them. Calm down, dearie, I'm just borrowing them... The X-Files office Wednesday 11:28 a.m. "Mulder, have you seen the expense report for-- What the hell are you doing?!?" "Trying to see how many pencils I can balance between my upper lip and nose." "Any particular reason *why*?" "Because I'm bored." Uh-oh. Now he'd done it. "Well, I think I can solve that. Why don't you do some of this work that we have to get done before we can go home today?" "Last time I checked, paperwork wasn't a cure for boredom." "Do it anyway." "Why? I'm having fun with my pencils." "Just don't leave a stain." "What?! Why, Scully! I didn't think you had it in you!" "I don't. Remember? I follow you all around the country chasing after flukemen rather than have a sex life." "Oh yeah." "You're as bad as the boys in middle school who would stick their straws up their noses." "Oh, the walruses! With tusks! Well, I did that, too." "Figures. You probably stuck the straws on your incisors, too, and pretended you were a vampire with fangs." "Uh- no. First of all, I always thought it was gross to put something that had been up your nose in your mouth, and second of all, even in middle school, I never much felt like *being* paranormal, just chasing after it." "If you find it beautiful or intriguing, hunt it down and dissect it, eh Mulder?" "Well, no. That's your department, remember?" "And what exactly is *your* department? It seems I get to handle the paperwork and the smelly work--" "Just so long as you understand the way this game is played." "-- what do *you* do in the meantime?" "Well, my dear Watson, I attract the oddies and nasties to us so that you can dissect them by appearing to be an easy target." "Oh, so all that losing your gun stuff is just a front to disguise your true macho nature?" "Exactly." "How clever." "Thank you. So. What were your cafeteria/playground habits?" "Umm... Well, I used to shoot the wrappers off straws at the boys who sat at the next table." "So? Every kid did that. What else?" "Mulder, you *still* do that." "Minor detail. What else?" "I dunno... I was never really into the whole act of being juvenile." "You never were juvenile, even when you were a juvenile, huh?" "Just so long as you know how this game is played." "Touche." "No, I was fairly straightforward." "I bet you never played 'Show me yours and I'll show you mine' on the playground, either." "Well, that kind of went on in preschool, not middle school, but..." "You know what I mean." "No, I never did." "Not ever?" "Not ever. I went to medical school instead." "What do you mean?" "I don't have to play 'Show me yours and I'll show you mine.' I get to play 'I'm a doctor, now do as I say and show me yours.' " "Too bad they're all dead at the time." "A technicality. But it's not all of them, just most of them." "Hey, Scully-" "Yeah?" "Show me yours, and I'll show you mine." "I don't think so, Mulder." "Why not?" "Because I've been there, done that, and got the t-shirt." "That's not fair!" "Neither's life, Mulder. I've seen you naked before." "Well, then, I've seen you naked before, too." "No you haven't." "Yes, I have. Those alien pods don't leave too much to the imagination." "No you haven't." "How do you figure that?" "Because that's just what the government wants you to think." "No, I had my foil." "Huh?" "Not talking about condoms. The gunmen--" "If you're about to put Frohicke in a sentence directly following condoms, then I don't want to hear it." "Trust me. The gunmen have this saying- aluminum foil makes a lovely hat and blocks out the government's mind control rays." "I'll have to remember that one. Should come in handy next time accounting starts breathing down our necks for the weird expense reports. 'Sorry, we left all our aluminum foil at home.' " "Right up there with the Twinkie Defense." "Sorry, not familiar with that one." "In 1979, guy named Dan White killed the mayor and a supervisor in Sanfrancisco's City Hall. At the trial, his psychiatrist claimed that he had overindulged in junk food, such as twinkies, which led to bizarre, lethal behavior." "People will try anything..." "Hey, it worked, though. Served five years in prison, then got out. Committed suicide later, though. I guess that time, it was too many Skittles." "I told you to start eating healthier. That's what'll happen if you don't." "Don't start with me; I'm not the one with a talking tattoo." "My tattoo never talked to me." "Can I see it?" "No." "Why not?" "Because I said so." "Show me yours and I'll show you mine." "Are we back to this again, Mulder? Besides, you don't even have a tattoo." "How can you be sure of that?" "Because I've seen you naked." "Oh, yeah. That's right. But you haven't seen me naked." "I already used the line about the government messing with your head, so you can't." "I wasn't going to. You haven't seen me naked. You've seen me nude." "And I suppose there's a difference?" "Yes, there is. Nude means without any clothes on. Naked means without any clothes on, and defenseless." "Someone's been reading television fanfic again." "You should try them sometime. They're great." "Sure, fine, whatever." "But I'm serious." "Sure you are." "Fine then, don't believe me." "Oh, I believe that you believe it, but I don't agree. First of all, even by your definition, I've seen you naked. You were pretty much stoned out of your mind those two days on the way to New Mexico, and you were pretty out of it in that shower in Rhode Island." "Oh. Well, okay." "I'm almost surprised you didn't toss in the other definition that you could have." "Which one is that?" "Well, you gave naked, and you gave nude-" "Sounds like more fun than a game of Show me Yours." "But you left out nekkid." "Which means... "Without any clothes, and up to something." "What's up to where?" "No, it's who's up to what." "Either way, nude and naked aside, you've never seen me nekkid." "No, I haven't." "You could." "Mulder--" "Show me yours and I'll show you mine." "Why do you keep coming back to this?" "Because I wanna get a good look at your tattoo." "This must be a Wednesday. I never could get the hang of Wednesdays." "Why not?" "Well, in college, I had the worst class in microbiology on Wednesdays..." "When I was in college, I resented Wednesdays because I couldn't get over the fact that its name -- Hump Day-- wouldn't live up to its promise." "I should've seen that one coming, shouldn't I?" "Yes, you should've." "You probably just spent all of your college years hating the fact that Jimi Hendrix was dead." "Was? Why, Scully, are you implying-" "Shut up, Mulder." "Yeah, I hated the fact that there wouldn't be any more like Purple Haze." "Bet he was in a purple haze when he wrote that." "Yeah, you're probably right." "My high school teachers hated that song because they thought he was saying 'Scuse me while I kiss this guy.' " "Kiss the sky probably wouldn't have made them any happier." "No, proabably not. But I was always more of a Little Wing or Wind Whispers Mary girl myself." "Why, you foxy lady, you." "Foxy Mulder." "What a pair we are, huh?" "Yeah." "Yeah, but Hendrix wasn't your favorite, I bet." "You are correct, sir." "Now I bet you like... Sarah McLachlan?" "Give the man a prize. But you ought to listen to her CD _Surfacing_ sometime. Tell me if any of the songs remind you of anyone." "But in college... Hmm... Fleetwood Mac?" "Yup. I loved the song The Chain." "I figured. But Stevie Nicks must have had one hell of an Elektra Complex to write Oh Daddy." "She didn't write it. Christine McVie did. And the song has nothing to do with her father." "Sure, fine, whatever. But you were reading _Breakfast at Tiffany's._ I bet you're enough of a hopeless romantic to have liked the song 'You Make Loving Fun'." "Guilty as charged. Wouldn't have figured you to have listened to them, though. They seem a bit too tame for what I bet your tastes were in college." "I liked the song 'Never going back Again.' I think the lyrics appealed to me. Still do, in a way. Besides, on what do you base your assessment of my tastes at Oxford?" "I've met Phoebe Green, remember?" "Ouch. You wound me, Scully." "Not as bad as that tie is wounding my eyes. You'll live." "And if I don't?" "Then I'll do the Autopsy on you. Maybe even make it look like an X-File." "It'd almost be a shame I was dead. I think I'd like to see that." "Almost, but not quite." "Twisting the knife, are we Scully?" "I'm just kidding, you know that right?" "Yeah, I know." "Good. Then I can go back to being mean." "Would you think less of me as a man if I told you I were excited by that?" "Better me than pigs." "Is that an invitation?" "No." "Oh. And here I thought I was gonna get to see that tattoo." "You're not going to drop that, are you?" "Nope." "Well, someday I'll have to show you, I guess, just to make you shut up about it." "I'll put some more mosquitoes near your back." "You're too kind, Mulder." "Thank you." "Why couldn't you just let me forget that ever happened?" "Because I don't want to." "If there's a double entendre coming, no female judge in the world would hold me responsible for pulling out my gun and shooting you." "Again." "Yes, again." "There wasn't going to be one. I was just going to say that it was the one thing I actually can tease you about." "Great." "That, or the fact that you're a real messy barbeque eater." "You know, I believe there are some places in the South where the 'He needed Killin' defense' is valid." "Let's not find out." "Well, maybe later." "You know, Frohicke somehow knew about it, and he asked me why I didn't use my tongue instead of the napkin." "What'd you tell him?" "I forget." "You're lying." "Yup." "I guess, by comparison, it wasn't that bad then." "Ah, such an honor. Fox Mulder: the lesser of two evils." "Never thought you'd see the day when you were the lesser of a few evils, huh?" "Oh, I am in all ways the lesser of the Mulder men." "Are you serious, or quoting?" "Quoting." "I always was a Harrison Ford girl too, myself." "Me too. Ford is the Man of all Man's Men." "I can tell your doctorate was in psychology and not English." "Is my eloquence neglecting to surpass your insurmountable standards?" "Something like that." "Know why I liked Indiana Jones?" "Why?" "Because of the same reason most men like James Bond." "The women?" "Partially. More the way he acted about them. Bond was like a pimp, but he flaunted it. Jones had all the women he wanted, but was very debonair about it." "You are what my mother warned me about in high school, aren't you?" "Probably. If you're referring to the dark and haunted, yeah, I guess I am." "Know who else I liked? As far as leading men went?" "Who?" "Rhett Butler." "As in _Gone with the Wind_?" "One and the same." "Why?" "Um, I guess it was the fact that he loved Scarlett enough to stick around for twelve years, basically being tortured by watching the woman he loved pursue another man, but still was secure enough in himself to walk away when he thought that there was no chance of them being together." "Back to the dark angel stuff again, huh?" "Yeah, I guess so. That, and the way he was towards Bonnie." "I hated that part." "When their daughter died?" "Yeah. I would never be able to handle that. The one thing in the world that he loved completely, and completely loved him, yet was ripped away. I just-- couldn't deal with that." "Too close to home?" "Yeah, I guess... In more ways than one." "Oh. I'm sorry Mulder, I should have realized--" "No, you shouldn't have. And I shouldn't have waxed sentimental in the middle of a perfectly entertaining conversation." "Okay. Know the other reason I watched Sabrina?" "No, what?" "Harrison Ford in a tux." "He wore a tux at the beginning of Temple of Doom." "Yeah, he did. Even better." "I don't understand what it is about men in tuxedoes that women find so attractive." "I'd be kinda worried if you did." "Explain it to me." "Only if you'll explain something to me." "Sure, whatever. But you go first." "It kinda falls into the sexy professor look. I don't know of a single woman that isn't attracted to that particular look." "I'll have to start wearing my glasses more often then." "You'll be beating them off with a stick." "Not that it doesn't sound fun, but why would I beat them away?" "Your turn." "What's that? You gonna beat me with a stick? Now, that does sound fun..." "Didn't know you were into SDM, Mulder." "I'm not. But what's it my turn for?" "To explain something to me." "What do you want explained?" "Why do you and other men find those... erotica movies appealing." "Well, for starters, it's not erotica, it's pornography." "You're going to continue with that thought process, but first you're going to tell me how you feel there's a difference." "If it were erotica, it would depict loving sex. But since it robs the most basic manifestation of the most sacred of human emotions of all meaning, it's just pornography." "Why, Mulder, you just keep unfolding like a flower." "But back to what I was saying before, I don't really find it appealing." "Then why do you watch it?" "Um... Habit more than anything else, now I guess. But before it was because I didn't have relationships, so I guess it was kind of expected of me." "Odd. I've never seen that rule written anywhere." "True. But I honestly don't find it appealing. Kind of like how I think a woman in her underwear is more arousing than a naked woman." "Don't you mean a nude woman?" "Yeah, I guess I do. But definitely more than a naked woman, too." "Which just adds a whole other level to the scene I made in that hotel room on our first case, huh?" "Oh, yeah." "And here I thought you were extending me a professional courtesy." "Nope. That's not what I was extending." "Now you tell me." "Do I make you horny, baby?" "Oh, let's not talk about Mike Myers." "I just have something against him. Even I don't know what." "Okay." "I don't suppose you've got anything to eat stashed down here." "I don't think so. Not unless you feel like snacking on that fluke worm specimen in formaldehyde." "No thanks, I think I'll pass." "You're the organized one. I thought you kept food in your desk." "I don't have a desk. I have a table with a filing cabinet next to it." "Po-tay-toe, po-tah-toe." "And I ate the last of my granola bars yesterday." "Well, now that you mention it, I do seem to remember bringing food in here one time and never seeing it again." "Must be an X-File." "Wait, this is really bothering me now. Where did it go?" "Either it was taken by Reticulans, or it's hiding in plain sight, or it's never to be heard from again." "How very Purloined Letter." "You *would* have read lots of Edgar Allan Poe, wouldn't you?" "But of course." "I think that's the worst French accent I've ever heard. And how do you go from Poe to Pepe LePew?" "I dunno. It seemed appropriate at the time." "And, by the way, do you usually hear back from your food? If so, I think you may just break your own record for appearances in the X-Files." "Very funny." "Glad you thought so. And if you do hear from your food, I would recommend you read _The Jungle_ by Upton Sinclair." "Mulder, I don't even know why I asked you. I've seen the kind of food you keep in your apartment. Anything you dragged in has long since spoiled, and I'm surprised we aren't smelling it. With my luck, whatever you brought in here would be a can of Spam or something." "A: What's wrong with the food in my apartment? B: What's wrong with Spam? C: I don't think Spam even spoils." "Figures. No, you're probably right. It probably doesn't spoil. It probably comes reverted to its most basic state, so the public wouldn't know any better when it starts to turn in the can." "Did you ever bother to eat some?" "I did. And shortly thereafter seriously considered going Vegan." "You could never have followed through with that." "I know." "I love Bacon Cheeseburgers too much. And Baby-Back Ribs." "Ah, it all comes back to barbeque, doesn't it? You know, if I were a Freudian, I might think that you had some kind of recurring fantasy involving sauce which I appear in." "Good thing you're not a Freudian." "Is it?" "Yeah. Or else you would think I also got off on poor men committing suicide." "Oh, yeah. Like I said, _The Last Detail_, starring Dana Scully." "Whatever." "Know what? I'm kinda hungry, too. Want some Chinese food?" "How about Italian?" "How about Barbeque?" "Italian it is, then." "Hey, Scully, wanna have some wine over lunch?" "Is that you?" "Yes, of course it's me." "Eddie! I told you never to come here when Mulder's in town." "It was my turn to see that one coming, wasn't it?" "Yup." "You lead the way. So. Little Wing? Really?" "Yes." "Walking through the clouds with butterflies and zebras and moonbeams and fairy tales... I can see it, Scully." "Can you? I never could." "Maybe it's got something to do with the 'When I'm sad, she comes to me. With a thousand smiles, she sets me free.' " "It's all right. Take anything you want from me. Anything." "Careful who you say that around. About all I'd take would be a glimpse of that tattoo..." "Forget it Mulder. I was just quoting the song." "Why, little wing, you tease." "Don't call me that, please, Mulder." "Why not?" "It might get kind of hard to explain to anyone who overheard you." "C'mon, Scully. We're in the basement. 'FBI's most unwanted' and all that. Remember?" "How could I forget?" "It's not like they're beating a path to our door." "Whatever, just please don't call me that." "All right. But I think it's because you would prefer to be called Mrs. Spooky like everyone upstairs does." "Whatever makes it easier for you to sleep at night, Mulder." "Is that one another invitation?" END Final Note: Well! I'm surprised anyone stayed with it long enough to get to the final note! Let me know what you think. To steal a line from the Purple Rhino, I believe, "Will work for Feedback." That, or it might just keep me from subjecting you to any more. -- Jenn Mirax327@aol.com