Date: Tue, 26 Aug 1997 01:29:06 -0400 (EDT) From: Chinaptrns@aol.com Subject: The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight (1/1) By Mel Mooney Title: The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight Author: Mel Mooney Category: SH Warnings: Not non-shipper safe. But it's a joke, so you might as well read it. Also, it's totally insane. Spoilers: Never Again Rating: PG (I used a naughty word and so did REM, and maybe I just happened to put a little sexual innuendo here) Disclaimer: Mulder & Scully belong to CC, Fox, & 1013. I don't own them. But really, how can anyone ever own these characters? They obviously have minds of their own (except when Shiban gets a hold of them). The song, "The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight" is copyright NightGarden Music, and was written by Peter Buck, Bill Berry, Mike Mills, and Michael Stipe. It can be found on "Automatic for the People" (the best song on it is "Find the River", but I digress). It might help you get in the mood if you listened while you read. Also, "The Cat in the Hat" (used by both REM and me) belongs to Dr. Seuss. Sensitivity Disclaimer: I have a personal aversion to song fanfics, just because I don't think Mulder or Scully would ever realize their true feelings because they heard a song. (I think they already know.) So, I felt the need to write my own twisted version. If you really like/write these fanfics, and are easily offended, you shouldn't be reading this. I mean no ill will but I also take no responsibility if you get offended. Don't flame me--I have a Death Squad. They can take you out in an instant. Send me feedback at MelMooney2@aol.com or chinaptrns@aol.com. Please? I'm insecure. Special thanks to Lesley and Lisa. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight By Mel Mooney "But it's m----" Mulder thought back to his exchange earlier with Scully. But it's my what? He didn't know. Responsibility? Life? Heart? Job to come get your ass when you're in the hospital in Pennsylvania? Mulder shook his head to clear out the cobwebs and a dustbunny fell to the ground. He sighed, took off his leather jacket, and put in a CD. "Hmmm," he thought, "'Automatic For the People'. Byers must have left that here." While the CD began, Mulder took off his boots and his black turtleneck. He unbuckled his jeans and put on his glasses. He sat back on his black couch as the third track started. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This here is the place where I will be staying There isn't a number, you can call the pay phone Let it ring a long long long long time If I don't pick up, hang up, call back, let it ring some more. If I don't pick up, pick up . . .The sidewinder sleeps sleeps sleeps in a coil ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mulder thought back to a few days before. Scully had wanted to know where she could reach him. Pesky woman. Didn't she realize how annoying it is to have your partner interrupt your personal life? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Call me when you try to wake her up. Call me when you try to wake her. Call me when you try to wake her up. Call me when you try to wake her. Call me when you try to wake her up. Call me when you try to wake her. There are scratches all around the coin slot Like a heartbeat baby, trying to wake up, But this machine can only swallow money. You can't lay a patch by computer design, It's just a lot of stupid, stupid signs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mulder lay back on his teal couch and reflected on how his life was like a pay phone. Dirty, used, and unloved. When all he wanted to do was accomplish his one mission in life. He wanted to reach out and touch someone. He wanted to reach out and touch Scully. But he couldn't, because she realized how many people had used him before and she was afraid to be exposed to his germs. So she sent him a double message. She kept using him, but she kept holding his phone away from her face. So, to retaliate, he kept his distance. He wouldn't let her calls be completed. When she did touch him, he ignored how important it was--he didn't let her go through with it and move their relationship to the next level. He disconnected her. But he was still hurting. It was all beginning to take its toll on him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tell her, tell her and she can kiss my ass, then laugh and say that you were only kidding. That way she'll know that it's really, really, really, really me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So he had gotten angry with her. After all, she reached out and touched Ed Jerse. He had to remind her that he was the only one allowed to make any person-to-person exchanges with her. He was territorial. So he mocked her. Told her he wanted a NY tattooed on his ass. He did--if only to be able to show it to her. Mulder realized how empty his life would me without Scully. A solitary tear trailed down his face as he thought of the pain this episode had caused him. He felt like his heart was breaking. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Call me when you try to wake her up. Call me when you try to wake her. Call me when you try to wake her up. Call me when you try to wake her. Call me when you try to wake her up. Call me when you try to wake her. Baby, instant soup doesn't really grab me. Today I need something more sub-sub-sub-substantial. A can of beans or black-eyed peas, some Nescafe and ice, A candy bar, a falling star, or a reading from Doctor Seuss. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Cool!" thought Mulder, as he lay back on his black couch and stared at the ceiling. "This applies to my life too!!!" Before, all his relationships had been superficial--instant soup. But now, Scully added so much more nutrition to his life. She was more than watered down broth. She was his black-eyed peas and his candy bar. She was his falling star. She was his Lorax. Maybe he could be her Fox in Sox. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Call me when you try to wake her up. Call me when you try to wake her. Call me when you try to wake her up. Call me when you try to wake her. Call me when you try to wake her up. Call me when you try to wake her. The Cat in the Hat came back, wrecked a lot of havoc on the way, Always had a smile and a reason to pretend. But their world has flat backgrounds and little need to sleep but to dream. The sidewinder sleeps on his back. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As Mulder pondered the depth of these lyrics, he realized that was Scully's Cat in the Hat. And she was his goldfish. She had been sitting at home, while her mother was out, and he had rushed into her life, making a mess of it. He had brought Scully into his quest for the truth. He had tried to balance Scully and her family members, and toss them in the air like the Cat in the Hat, and his balancing act had gotten Melissa killed. (Next time, he decided he'd try balancing Scully and Marita Covarrubias, even though he'd most likely drop Marita. A risk worth taking.) He had rushed into her life with Thing One and Thing--okay, maybe just with Thing One. He had made this mess, and never even let her play with Thing One. Now, she was trying to clean things up, before her mother came home, so to speak, and all he did was make more of a mess. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Call me when you try to wake her up. Call me when you try to wake her. Call me when you try to wake her up. Call me when you try to wake her. Call me when you try to wake her up. Call me when you try to wake her. We've got to moogie, moogie, move on this one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "WOW!!" Mulder realized. "I've brought nothing good into Scully's life. I'm always calling her, waking her up at horrible hours! I've messed up her tidy little life, and I never even let her enjoy the benefits of Thing One!! I've got to moogie moggie mov on this one!" With that thought, Mulder jumped off of his teal couch, picked up his keys and rushed out the door. #-#-#-#-#-#-#-# Scully was sitting at home, going over some files, when the doorbell rang. "Mulder! What are you doing here?" Scully's eyes flitted up and down his body. She lifted one eyebrow in surprise at his state of undress. "Yum," she thought. "He's shirtless, wearing his partially unbuckled jeans, and wearing his glasses. There should be a website devoted to this outfit." Mulder rushed into her apartment, thrusting a CD in her hand. "Play track 3, Scully. It will explain everything." Scully looked startled. She raised her eyebrow. In a hushed voice she said, "Mulder, you how the shippers get when we use that number!!" "I can't help it, Scully! REM picked the lineup. Plus, Mel's a shipper, and she wants to redeem the number. Would you just listen to the song, please? I couldn't find the words to tell you what I needed you to know myself. These lyrics say everything I've wanted to and couldn't." Scully put the CD in her stereo, confused by Mulder's request. She set it to the track after two, and sat down on her couch, wondering where this was leading. As she listened to the words, Mulder stared at the floor. He was baring his soul here. What if Scully didn't feel the same way? As the last few bars ended, he gathered the courage to look up. Steeling himself for rejection, he met Scully's eyes. "Well?" Scully looked at Mulder, arching one brow slightly. "Mulder, I'm so glad you feel the same way!" "You are?" As Mulder moved toward her, Scully replied, "Yeah--I've had the biggest craving for black-eyed peas all day." THE END. Feedback to: MelMooney2@aol.com or chinaptrns@aol.com -- End --