From: Kim Knight Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 22:56:33 -0800 (PST) Subject: Silent All These Years by KimK Source: direct Title: Silent All These Years Author: KimK Rating: PG Category: MSR, Angst Spoilers: Milagro, Two Fathers, One Son, The End, The Beginning, Arcadia, FTF (not so much a spoiler, but it will be easier in a couple parts to know what I am talking about) Tithonus ( blink and you miss it), an indirect reference to Travelers. . .that should be it. Summary: With one truth comes another. Feedback: Yes, please. Feed me Seymour! k_nig_it1013@yahoo.com Archive: Go for it, just let me know about it. Feel free to check out my other fic and archive that as well. Disclaimer: I really wish I could say I am getting paid to write this, but that's just not true. I do not own these kids or the stories behind them. Chris, Fox, 1013 and whatnot own them and I envy them so. I just do this to work through frustrations and resolve things that were never settled in the show. It is also a great excuse to avoid college related work. :) Author's Notes: I took my title from a Tori Amos song, but the song did not do the inspiring. This story did not go how I expected at all. I had other plans for it and it came out like this for some reason. I wrote the majority of it in about 2 hours (excluding the editing) and after I finished I was already planning to do a sequel. I have some Diana issues ( as I am sure most of us do), but oddly enough she played a huge part in the plot . . . weird. Read on, I'll have some other stuff at the end. Thanks goes to ( drum roll): Sara! For doing a superb beta job and being kind enough to fix even my small, and yet oh so large, mistakes. And I would also like to thank . . . you, for taking the time to read this *insert corny grin*. ************** "Truth is within ourselves; it takes no rise From outward things, whate'er you may believe. There is an inmost center in us all, Where truth abides in fullness; all around, Wall upon wall, the gross flesh hems it in, This perfect, clear perception, which is Truth." *************** They'd been on the proverbial roller coaster of emotions for months now. Even before Antarctica things had been easier to understand between them. Things had changed. Due to the unidentifiable feelings that were floating freely in the air, it was hard to differentiate if things were moving forward for them or just coming to an all-around halt. After the basement office was finally brought back to life and the X-Files had been reopened, issues began to rise up out of nowhere. Diana and Spender had been put to some use by Kersh, despite Mulder's feelings towards the situation. It was always despite Mulder. Scully's denial after Antarctica had been hurtful and somewhat betraying to Mulder. She hated herself for it. But for some reason she couldn't bring herself to take that step into admitting such things to the committee. She was still having a hard time admitting them to herself. That was when she felt Mulder slipping and the emotional upheaval really started to take its toll. Diana had started to snake her way back into Mulder's life and Scully thought she was doing one hell of a job in doing so. He had gone as far as to shun Scully's loyalty and the proof she had on Diana Fowley and the company the woman had been keeping lately. He'd, in some way, chosen Diana over her and it cut deep. It made her heart bleed. They tried to have work go as usual, Mulder throwing her his innuendos and continuing to cast his crazy theories right and left. And it worked . . . for a while. The casual banter and joking around would work as well as a cheap store brand band-aid could to a wound that needed stitches. It would work until the wound spread more, causing more damage and scarring than the body could handle. He always came back to Scully. He would throw his tantrum, do his best to do things his way and fail and then he would seek her for comfort. And she never ceased to give it to him. All in all, Mulder was unaware of how much the ping pong game between Diana and Scully was affecting Scully. She understood why he was so determined to trust Agent Fowley. He had trusted Fowley at one point and he was so used to people crushing his trust in them that it hurt to think he had to add a former colleague-- or for that matter-- former lover, to the list. And Scully tried to let it slide. She tried to find enough compassion to just drop it and continue as she had always done: working with Mulder with no strings attached. And by no strings, that meant she was to work with him without letting any feelings beyond partnership and friendship enter the scene. But it had become personal. Not even so much for her, but more so because Mulder was on his was to being hurt beyond repair. Then Fowley vanished and Mulder and Scully ignored her disappearance as well as they could, avoiding any mentioning of her in front of each another, no matter the case. And that could simply be seen as shaking salt on the ever present wound and trying to avoid the sting. Not long after Agent Spender's assumed death, Scully and Mulder were given a case in which they had to pose as a happily married, straight out of TV Land couple. It hit closer to home than they were willing to show and, considering everything, they did as well as they could in playing it as professional as they would let themselves. Feelings were awakened but hidden before anything visible could become of them. They did their job and solved the case, at least as well as any X-File can be solved, and then went back to routine without so much as a mention of the things that had passed between them. Case after case came about and as usual the cases were hard to solve and even harder to explain. Just like old times. That is until Padgett introduced himself into their lives. Here was a man who made his writing come to life--literally. And although the case itself was disturbing and brutal, the experience was haunting, for both Mulder and Scully. So many feelings were put out in the open for Scully and, moreover, Padgett's obsession had Mulder fearing for Scully's life and had him covered in jealousy. This writer was able to tell and write and show his feelings to Scully, in spite of how uncalled for it had all been, and here Mulder--being the only man who was really in her life-- was still unable to even tell her that he couldn't breathe without her. However, one thing gave Mulder hope and had Scully lathered in fear. Padgett's words after his release. . . "Agent Scully is already in love." The words hung in the air like fog on the coast of Maine. Scully's heart had sped up to an unhealthy rate and Mulder was dumb-struck. Yet, nothing was ever said. They walked out of that prison as if Padgett had simply told them that the sky was blue. A stake-out and a few hours later and Scully was clinging to the body of the man who could do nothing more but stroke her hair and whisper assurance into her ear. The ambulance didn't take much time to enter the scene and soon after, the FBI and local police found the body of Philip Padgett, murdered by his own hands. That was the conclusion drawn anyway. Precautions were taken and Scully made another all too familiar trip to the hospital, staying over night with a monitor and supervision. Well, supervision with Mulder by her side. A one week leave was issued and she was left to deal with the case and the confessions that had arose from it. XxX Scully's Apartment Wednesday 6:27 PM Scully padded toward the door to answer to the familiar knock behind it. Sure enough Mulder, dressed in jeans and his gray shirt, stood with his MulderSmile in tact. "Hey Mulder." "Hi, just came to do my daily check-up on you." Scully nodded with a small smile and offered an ushering arm, moving to the side. "I was just about to pour me some tea. Do you want some?" Mulder sauntered in as Scully made her way back to the kitchen. "No, I'm fine thanks." He placed himself on the couch and settled comfortably. Scully re-entered, cup in hand. "So, how was work? You miss me?" "Pretty uneventful and, yes, of course I missed you. I see you are taking advantage of yet another 'vacation'." Mulder motioned to her clothing of choice for the day. She was a vision in terry cloth. Scully cocked her head and then looked down, taking note of the fact that she was in her robe and house shoes. She pulled the front of her robe closer together, holding the lapels close to her chest. " Oh yeah, I, uh just took a bath." He pushed back an innuendo and decided to change the subject. "You still holding up all right?" "I'm fine, yeah. Beats a gunshot wound." She finally took a seat beside him and sipped her tea. " I am still not sure why I was given leave. There isn't even any scarring and I am not hurting in the least." "Never turn down a break from work, that's my motto." "Liar." She gave a small grin and cocked an eyebrow. "Oh well, it falls way under ' Trust no one' and ' I want to believe' and a few other selected mottos, of course." "That's what I thought." She leaned back into the cushions, relaxing her back muscles and curling one leg under the other. After a long pause, Mulder went into casual conversation." Do anything exciting today?" "If by exciting, you mean, unproductive, then yes." She sipped her tea again. "That bad without me, huh?" He flashed a cocky grin and turned his body to face her. She released a laugh. "You could say that, I won't say it, but you can." Mulder smiled. "You had dinner yet?" "Nope, I was asking myself what to do about that before you showed up." "Feel like getting out and having some dinner with me? I'll pay." He was pleading with his deep hazel eyes and had a sheepish grin pulling at the sides of his mouth. How could she resist? "I'll just go change." "Why?" He tried to look as serious as possible, but his eyes alone proved otherwise. Scully rolled her eyes and then got up to go to her room. "Feel free to watch TV or whatever." Mulder decided to do nothing. He just sat there and tried to organize his own thoughts. He was going to apologize tonight. Not his usual guilt-stricken apology about something she saw as him beating himself up, but the mother of all apologies. Mulder planned to get to the bottom of their feelings for each other and the first step was to make sure she knew how much guilt he still had over Diana and the problems she had caused, deliberate or not. He also had some points in his past she deserved to know. He hated that every time he was getting closer to recognizing his feelings towards Scully Diana would waltz back in and he'd retreat. Things between his partner and he would get complicated and uncomfortable. Then Diana would be gone and they were left back at square one. That would end tonight. He wasn't sure what would happen beyond his confessions and apology, but he knew that if he didn't say what he needed to say, it would become harder and harder for him to live with himself. Ten minutes later, Scully came out of her room with a purple v-neck, long-sleeved shirt and black slacks. As usual, her make-up was soft, but her hair seemed more free. "You ready to go, Mulder?" She grabbed a light jacket and reached for the doorknob. He hadn't realized he had actually been staring at her. He snapped out of his trance and hopped up from the couch. "Yeah, let's go." XxX Scully's Apartment 8:34 The dinner had been pretty carefree. After some playful bantering on where to eat, they finally settled on eating at an all-American restaurant. They kept their conversation casual with topics about the fickle weather, Mulder's lack of cases to work on, did their share of reminiscing and laughed at the good times. He would need her relaxed and in somewhat of a good mood before he unleashed his truths. Scully unlocked her door and invited Mulder inside. She turned up the heat, it was getting rather chilly outside and Mulder had not worn a coat, and then turned on the side table lamp. "Do you think it'll rain?" Scully asked as she glanced out the window and noticed a slight overcast. "Probably later tonight." Mulder fidgeted with his fingers and then ran a hand through his hair. Noticing Mulder's nervous behavior, Scully approached him and searched his eyes. "You okay, Mulder?" "Yeah, um . . . yeah. Well, I--I need to talk with you about something. Actually, I need to tell you some stuff that I am little unsure how you might take and then I have to apologize for them." He scoffed at his explanation and at how he was acting. He knew deep down everything would be okay. Scully furrowed her brow, curious as to what on earth Mulder was so nervous about telling her. She then sat down on the couch and patted the cushion beside her to welcome Mulder. He paced a couple more times before he finally settled himself onto the sofa. His uncharacteristic fidgeting was getting irritating, so Scully placed her hand on his arm and soothed her thumb across his wrist. "Mulder, please, just breathe and tell me what you need to tell me." He bit his lip and then took a deep breath, halting his hands. Mulder turned his hand so that Scully's rested in his palm and he placed his other over it. "It has to do with Diana." The mention of her name made Scully's somewhat amused smile fall and she cleared her throat. Her mind was in a panic and her heart beat fast against her chest. She was fearing the worst. Was he in love with Diana? Had he decided to switch partners as soon as he tracked Fowley down? She let out a sigh and nodded for him to continue. "Um, ok, we'll start with my past with Diana. She helped get the X-Files started back up again and we worked together yes, but she was more than my partner." "Believe it or not, Mulder, I figured as much. Frohike let me in on her being your, ahem, 'chickadee', so that helped too." Mulder was taken aback at first. The calmness at her statement proved she didn't know the whole story, however. "How much did he say?" "That's basically it, just that you were more than friends and more than partners when working on the X-Files." She had a rigid ness to her voice, she knew, but this was about as calm as she could be when it came to this subject. For a second there he thought he would get out of this admission, but his tension returned once it was made clear there was more to share. "There's more to it than that. I had known Diana before I transferred to the X-Files." Mulder took in another deep breath before continuing. "We'd met at Quantico and not long after, we started getting serious." Scully wiggled uncomfortably and cleared her throat, then looked down at a loose thread on a cushion. Mulder closed his eyes briefly before the moment of truth and then gave a squeeze to Scully's hand. "Scully, Diana and I were married before the X-Files." At that Scully abruptly directed her attention back on Mulder, her eyes first widened then narrowed. Mulder recognized two emotions in her watery depths; hurt and anger. She quickly pulled her hand from his and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Wow." That was the only thing she could muster, and it had been almost a whisper. She stood up and walked to the window and then closed her eyes. She hated to admit it, but she was fighting tears. Mulder threw his head back and stared at the ceiling. "Scully I--" "What the hell were you thinking, Mulder?" She yelled at the window before she flailed her arms into the air and turned to face him. "I mean, God, Mulder. Don't you think you could have mentioned this the first several times we encountered her?" Mulder brought his head from the uncomfortable position and braced himself. Oh yeah, this is what I had in mind for her reaction, he thought to himself. Although, in his mind it hadn't been this awkward and well, loud. "Are you still married? Are you still in love with her? Is that why you have refused time and time again to even consider taking my side over hers throughout this entire ordeal?" She was pacing furiously back and forth, occasionally looking in his direction. She hadn't realized, but her tears were slowly escaping. She'd known Diana and Mulder were involved at one point, but to know that they'd been married and failed to mention it to her crushed her. Mulder stood up and placed himself in her path. She stopped in front of him, but cast her eyes elsewhere. " Jesus, Scully, no! We were married a grand total of six months before things began to fall apart. It was right before I transferred to the X-Files and she decided to join me. She agreed with me on things, yes, but we fought constantly and not even about sensible things. It was half into that year before she decided it wasn't going to work and we divorced. She got as far away from me as possible and I continued on with my life." Scully quickly wiped at her cheeks before she settled her focus on his face again, her brows knitted together, her arms crossed and lips pursed. "That explains one question, feel free to tell me the rest. Unless you want to wait another six years, then go ahead, pace yourself." All right, this wasn't at all how he had envisioned this happening. He figured she would pace wildly and then finally let him continue with what he needed to say, no questions asked. Her questions were valid though. He had planned to eventually let her in on those answers, so he went on. "I'm not sure if I ever was in love with her. I'd married her because. . . well, if anything it was because I thought she understood the quest, the truth. But things changed, she seemed to slowly turn to her own agenda and stopped telling me things. It withered back into a partnership, but without the amount of trust as before. So she left me and I couldn't have cared less at the time." Scully's frustrated tears fell freely now and she turned away from Mulder, settling back onto the couch and bringing her legs to her chest. "No please. Don't cry Scully, please." Nothing like Scully crying to make him overcome with guilt. He walked to the couch and sat in front of her. She closed her eyes and cradled her head into the palm of her hand. He just looked at her and waited for her permission to continue. "So, at the time you didn't care, but now that she's back you are reconsidering?" She sighed, releasing the tension and anger as well as she could and then brought her face up to look at him. " Is that why you've been pulling away from me?" His eyes darkened and he clinched his jaw. " Is that what you think, Scully? That I am going to just throw you out the door, after all we have been through, that's the conclusion you have drawn?" "What the hell am I supposed to think, Mulder? I thought I knew what I needed to know about you and now your past is a mystery to me. You aren't really giving much room on what I should think, Mulder." "But that's all it is, Scully, my past." "No Mulder, your past just came back to haunt both of our lives and I am having to deal with it. Your past has become mine, just like your search. Now answer my question. Does the fact that you two were husband and wife have anything to do with you pulling away from me?" "No." He was trying to keep it simple so he could move beyond this. "I want to believe you Mulder, but how can I? You just threw a huge secret in my lap that I should have known about long ago and I am supposed to take a simple no as an answer? I can't take that Mulder, I won't. I deserve, no, I demand more than that." Scully straightened her back and wiped at her cheeks again. "You're right, you do deserve to know." He hesitated before he placed his hand over hers and to his surprise she didn't pull away. She'd thought about refusing any physical contact with him, but she recognized that he was trying to make an amends. "My marriage to Diana had been a partnership, and not in the romantic sense. When she came back into my life and introduced herself into yours, I was confused. I had thought she was gone for good, that I wouldn't have to look back and reflect on our past. She changed things and not for the best. Feelings, as minute as they had been, came back and I had no idea how to deal with them. Scully, I was accepting her back into my life as my former partner and nothing more. I owed her my trust, but I failed to realize that by giving it to her I didn't need to take it away from you. But that is what happened, in a way. I shunned you and ignored you and I hate myself for it. I also hate myself because I almost gave in to her temptation." Scully let out a shaky breath and licked her bottom lip, stopping herself from commenting until he was finished. "She still loves me, Scully. She always has, but she'd never realized that being married to me meant she would have to share me with my search. Of course, she supported me in it all, but she never realized my dedication. So when she came back I think she thought I would throw all the baggage out the door and be willing to take her back. The last thing she expected was you in my life and you have been with me longer than she ever was. However, I wanted to believe that she had something, some truth to her return and that is why I pushed you aside and gave in to her." Scully gave a small nod, preparing herself to ask a question she wasn't sure she should even ask. "Have you been, um, physically involved since her return?" She blushed slightly at her question and looked away. "She kissed me and I kissed her back." "Oh." Somehow that was far from comforting. "Yeah." He searched her face and waited for something. Anything. "I need tea." She threw her legs from the couch and quickly made her way to the kitchen. Mulder stared blankly at the spot in which she had been sitting and then stood, slowly. "So is that it, Mulder? Is that all you have to say?" He heard her switch the stove on and put the kettle on the burner. She appeared, once more, in the entry-way and looked to Mulder, regaining her composure. "No. I had a couple more things to say. But not before I apologize." "For what? For keeping all this from me or for your behavior every time she is in the room?" "Both, but mostly for the latter. You didn't deserve that. I realize now that I owe you so much more than that and that she doesn't deserve half of what I give her. You are in my life now and have been for six years and I want to keep you. I want to keep you in my life for as long as I can and I want you." "You want me . . ." She was waiting for him to add onto his last few words. "That's it. I want you, Scully. I need you." He'd said it. He had more to say, but not before he knew what her response would be so far. He was fidgeting again. Her mouth hung open briefly, before she turned to answer to the whistle of the kettle. How was she supposed to respond to that? Of course she felt the same way about him, but how much did he expect her to take tonight? He'd just unleashed some very crucial truths into their lives and it was beyond too much for her to handle. As she turned off the stove and placed the kettle to the side, she heard him step into the kitchen. He realized she wasn't going to respond quite yet, so he continued. "All right, well, I have a question for you." She very quietly said ok and reached for a mug on the counter. "On this last case, with Padgett, he was talking about me when he said you were in love, wasn't he?" That couldn't possibly be classified as a question, she thought. That was more like a know-it-all statement, meant to back her into a corner. He knew. She couldn't deny it now. She stopped her reach for the mug and leaned against the counter, releasing a nod. She'd tried to vocalize a yes, but her throat hadn't allowed it. He couldn't help but smile. He had always known that she loved him, but he also knew that she would never be the first to admit it unless he admitted it for her. He stepped closer to her, his chest inches from her back. "Mulder, I can't take this." She was crying again. "I'm still trying to process that you were married to that--that woman at one point in time." He placed his hands gingerly on her shoulders and smoothed them over before he closed the contact between his chest and her back. His hand lifted to her profile and brushed her hair away from her face. "Scully, I'm going to kiss you now." His warm breath grazed her ear and she shuddered involuntarily. He turned her body to face him and she was helpless, something that she never was. With her eyes closed and her cheeks tear stained once more, she licked her lips. She was going to let him kiss her. Mulder cupped her face with his hands and stared at her face, marveling at her beauty, her strength and the permission she was granting him. He brought his lips slowly to hers before he finally sealed their closeness. The kiss was sweet and simple. Even though his lips were barely pressing against hers, her body relaxed and she couldn't help but kiss him back. Combining the small force of his kiss and her reflection of it, the kiss deepened. He was the first to part their lips and increase the kiss, his tongue sliding across her bottom lip before having it enter her mouth. Scully brought her hands around his neck, pulling his head closer and taking the kiss to its final level. His arms encircled her waist and he heard a faint moan escape from her. Moments later she broke the kiss. "No, Mulder, no. We can't do this right now. I'm not emotionally stable and you are the reason for that. If we let this continue, I don't know what I'll do." With his arms still around her waist, he brushed his lips over hers again and she was unable to resist the contact. This time he was the first to pull away. Mulder grabbed her hand and kissed it, then enfolded it in his hands. "I know you're afraid to love me, for whatever other reasons you had before tonight, but I need you to know that I'm not afraid to love you and that I do love you." His eyes spoke volumes of truth in those words and she felt a release. "Mulder, I'm afraid . . . but I'm willing." She smiled and gave a reassuring squeeze to his hands. He sighed and unleashed a grin. "That's all I ask." "And I love you now, but I need time. I need time for all this to sink in and for me to work through how I should go about this." He pushed a stubborn strand of auburn behind her ear and cradled her cheek. "Take all the time you need." He bent down and kissed her gently on the lips, then placed yet another kiss to her forehead. "I am sorry, Scully. I don't know if you'll ever know how sorry I am about the things I have said to you and how I have treated you in the past year. I meant what I said before Antarctica and I just don't want you to ever forget that I trust you with all I have. I love you with all I have." She reached up and hugged him, burying her face in his neck and nodding. "I know Mulder, I really do." They'd been silent all these years and one thing they had learned and accepted was that with one truth came another. XxX *It's Over!* Notes: I can't remember where I got the quote at the beginning, so sorry. Anyhow, let's discuss this briefly. All in all, I hate the very thought of Fowley and Mulder ever being married and have actually come up with other theories as to why he had a ring in Travelers. However, I made it a big part of this fic anyway. I kinda hate myself for it to be honest. At the same time, I really like the result of this fic. Also, Diana seems to bring out the jerk in Mulder and that just doesn't settle well with me, so I had to resolve some stuff somehow and this, my friends, is the result. I hope you liked it for what it was. I smell a sequel! Feedback is great! Love!