From: Ashley Williams Date: Fri, 12 Jul 2002 22:06:34 -0700 (PDT) Subject: Smell the Roses by AshleyX Source: direct TITLE: Smell the Roses AUTHOR: AshleyX RATING: G CATEGORY: VA SPOILERS: Cancer Arc episodes SUMMARY: Scully, nearing death, reflects on her life. DISTRIBUTION: Contact me first. FEEDBACK: is great! Send me some! Why must it be that when one is half-dead, *that's* the time they decide to stop and smell the roses? Roses are my personal favorite when it comes to florals and botanicals, but it was always something that I kept a secret. Not even my mom knows; that's why she's been bringing in carnations and baby breath to set on my hospital nightstand. But somehow, Mulder knew. He brought in a bouquet of roses for me today. And I actually took the time to stop and smell the roses. My world before I was diagnosed with cancer was busy. I was always off on a case, wanting to get down to business, never stopping to enjoy the little things in life. Even the little things that Mulder did for me, such as his hand on the small of my back or the little forehead kisses he's given me, I've never really stopped to bask in the thoughtfulness of them. My world now involves continual nausea and constant dizziness just trying to sit up in bed. I've never felt this way before, and I'm torn between wanting to die to get away from this feeling and wanting to live so that I can beat this disease. And of course, *now* I decide to sit up and smell the roses. When I'm nearing death. It also must be the time I realize I love the man that brought those roses to me today. I always knew that I loved Mulder, but now, I realize that I'm *in love* with him. It was as if something changed, something clicked, and I wasn't thinking of Mulder in the same way I had before. There was something new, exciting, even a bit frightening about this change. But now that I'm in the final stages of cancer, I don't know how to feel, let alone communicate those emotions. Common sense would say that I should do everything that I haven't done *before* I die. Then again, Mulder and I have never been people to act on what common sense says. That's just how we were and that was fine. It was okay to never express our deepest feelings; both of us feared that we might scare the other away. This was how it was between us. I find that I've been sitting up too long and that I'm beginning to experience vertigo. I want Mulder to be here with me, even if it's simply to hold my hand and lay his head on my bed. I want him to bring me another bouquet of roses; they're my favorite and they bring some color to this depressing hospital room. Until then though, all I can do is lay back and smell the roses. *** fin