From: the fishwoman speaketh Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 21:20:14 -0700 (PDT) Subject: *NEW* "The Snow II: The Ice Queen Melts" (1/1) by GreenFish, Nessie, and Katherine Nolan ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The Snow II: The Ice Queen Melts" written by GreenFish, Nessie, and begrudingly by Katherine Nolan ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Date completed: 29th June 1998 (right after the serious version had commenced) Disclaimer: HAHAHAHA ... Chris, they're ours, they're ours ... you never should have given them up ... Don't you dare say anything bad about my Surfer Boy ... he *is* God, no matter what all those mean x-philes say about him ... we're not worthy ... we're not worthy ... Give us MSR, or your precious FBI agents will get it! Oh wait ... maybe that Diana Fowley will get it ... yeah ... What the hell would that ever do? Who cares about Diana Fowley, anyway? Scully makes our Mulder whole ... uhmmmm ... anyway, onto the rest of this administrative stuff ... Rating: uhhhh ... let's give it an R. By the time we get done with this, though, everyone but us will be restricted from reading this thing ... Distribution: Everywhere! The world shall receive our wrath! Please let us know if you're going to send it anywhere, though ... Archive statement: V; H/R Spoiler warning: Movie(s) spoilers ... though we're not saying which. Oh, and probably a lunch spoiler, too. After you read this, you're definitely not going to want to eat. Be warned. Content statement: HAHAHA--- MSR up your wazoo, baby ... and maybe a little slash to make Hel happy ... but only if Katherine misses Hel with her Karate kick ... Summary: Spooky and the Ice Queen meet the sick minds of three obsessed potato buddies ... an alternate look at "The Snow" by Katherine Nolan (though she is not to be held responsible for any comparisons between the two). Dedication: To all the humor fic writers on the 'net. Damn it, there isn't enough funny fiction on the Internet these days, and far too many stories about Mulder and Scully dancing and Ice Queens (damn it, we hate that name!) and first fic writers ... no offense to Katherine of course ... Nora also dedicates this story to The Artist in England ... Hel dedicates this story to her *own* Artist ... who is now working on his sucking power (or lack thereof) ... Katherine dedicates this story to her future husband, Mr. David Duchovny (or David Beckham, whoever comes first-- oh wait, that came out wrong-- whoops!) ... and Manchester United, the fucking best football team on the planet! Authors' warning: For your information, two of us are English (Katherine and Ness-- or Hel) and one of us is American (GreenFish-- or Nora) ... so you don't get too confused. It was mostly Nora who spent the time ripping apart Katherine's original fanfic, but the three of us all have our own special place in this story ... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Oh Hel which fails to blow Dear Jim who is quite warm below Oh teenie weenie keep thy glow Beneath the trousers... or pants." - Katherine spoiling Elgar's, 'The Snow' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The Snow II: The Ice Queen Melts" (part 1/1) The warm glow of love which surrounded them reminded Scully of her childhood... horrid, corrupted times peering out of the cracked back car window of her parents' rusted out Pinto. She recalled the torrid, wild sex they had in the front seat of their car while she and Melissa sat, frozen, strapped up in the car seat. The memories surrounded her ... the loud shots of the drive-by shootings, the cries of people getting mugged ... ah, the Bronx, she thought ... Just then, she realized that it wasn't a warm glow of love that had just surrounded her and Mulder. It was the stench of an enormous fart that he had just blown. "Jesus, Mulder," she moaned, shoving him backwards and away from her. Mulder rolled around so that he was staring at her, and a slow grin settled upon his face. In an incredibly awful English accent, he muttered to her: "Pardon me for being rude, it was not me, it was my food, it just popped up to say hello ... and now it's gone back down below ..." Despite herself, Scully was charmed. "That's beautiful," she whispered to him. She almost broke her restraint, by telling him she wanted to jump his bones right then and there-- to make love to this silly, hairy little man-- oh, wait, she thought. That was Austin Powers. She had to make love to this gorgeous, muscular, enormous ... and she didn't mean tall ... man ... but something was stopping her for some reason ... Ah, yes, she realized. The flashback sequence hadn't yet ended. When the first shower of shrapnel from the riots in the city fell in the summers, her father would always call her and Melissa down from their room early in the morning before he left for the 'hood, to give them tips on where the best areas for looting would be that day. It had always amazed her how quickly Melissa was able to pick up a television here and a VCR there, and still be able to shoot off a 9mm pistol with such skill ... she almost felt a bit of envy, but Scully then remembered that she had the better chest, and got more money when they sold themselves to the dirty old men at night. When she was little, her Dad would bring her out to the corner and use her as a device to sell drugs more easily, seeing as she was the cuter one compared to Melissa. Bill and Charles used to join along in case there was any troubles during the transactions ... they would beat up anyone who wouldn't pay off right away ... but with both Melissa and Ahab now gone, and Bill turned to an absolute bastard (not to mention that she didn't even know where Charles was anymore-- she wondered if he was dead?), the activity didn't hold the interest that it once did. A sharp pain in her stomach yanked her out of her thoughts, and she reached down, applying a vice grip upon Mulder's throat. He was attempting to mutter something, but Scully was too annoyed that he had head-butted her stomach, and as insignificant as it was to Scully's rock-hard physique ... it still pissed her off to no end. "What the hell was that for?" she growled, but didn't allow him a chance to reply. "If you ever do that again," she continued, "I will elbow you so hard where it counts that you will never enjoy your favorite sport and pastime ever again ..." He opened his eyes slowly and instantly focused on her face. Scully could read the fear in his eyes, and found that it incredibly turned her on. Scully leaned down into his face until they were nose to nose, and slowly allowed her hand to glide downward. "Please ... Scully..." she heard him squeak. Scully had almost forgotten her other hand was still around his throat. She let go, and wrapped it around his shoulder, pulling him as close as she possibly could without having their lips actually touch. "What?" she murmured. Mulder could feel her breath upon his face ... damn it, what the hell had they fed her for lunch? It must have been that umbilical cord- thing that had been shoved down her throat, he thought. She had the worst breath he had ever smelled in his entire life! Mulder didn't want to ruin a completely good moment, however, so he didn't say anything. Instead, he replied, "Just ... uhmmm ... you know... uhhh ..." "What?" she asked. Mulder realized he couldn't get himself to say it. After five years of sexual repression (damn that Chris Carter, he thought), he couldn't even get himself to ask her for a proper kiss. What the hell had he been reduced to? A sexual slave to this woman, being forced to submit to whatever desires she had, without being able to offer his own prowess? After thinking about it for a total of a nano-second, he realized that it was pointless to ruin a good thing. "Whatever you want, Scully." "A love bite," she said. "A what?" he asked. "A love bite." "A what?" he asked again. "A love bite... a love bite ..." Scully paused as he shook his head at her confusedly, completely not comprehending this idea. "A hickey, damn it!" "Ohhhhh .. a hickey? =That's= what you want?" Mulder instantly started cackling a laugh that Scully never would have imagined could come out of her handsome, masculine partner. "Uh heee ... uh heeee..." he continued on laughing for what seemed like a full three minutes. Scully immediately turned defensive. "What the hell's wrong with that?" "Nothing ..." Mulder said, finally settling down. "It's just that ... heee ... a hickey ... love bite ... ah hahhhhh ..." "What?" she demanded again. "Never mind," Mulder sighed. "If that's what you want ..." He leaned down and over onto her neck. For a few seconds, he seemed to linger over it, just allowing his warm breath to fall upon it ... and then he attacked. "Groowwwrrrr..." he mumbled as his teeth made contact with her neck and he worked on the artistry that was to be his 'love bite.' Scully was very much enjoying the feeling of Mulder attached to her neck, but something just didn't feel right. She couldn't quite place it ... Mulder finally reemerged about thirty seconds later, and gazed at his masterpiece. Or perhaps, lack thereof. "Damn it!" he cried out. "What?" she asked. "Is it supposed to leave a mark?" he asked. Scully looked up at him with a look that would have melted the polar ice caps. In fact, Mulder swore he felt the ice underneath his ass melting as she stared at him. "Mulder ... do you know the meaning of the word 'hickey?'" "So I take that as a yes?" Scully didn't grace that with a response, but instead attempted to twist her head to try and view her neck. "Fuck it, Mulder, I can't see a thing," she said. "Did you leave a mark, or not?" "Uhhhh ..." "You didn't leave a mark?" "Welllll ... I think you have really tough skin, Scully..." Just then, there was a ripping noise, and both Mulder and Scully turned to see the sky-- or what they *thought* had been the sky-- ripping apart before their very eyes. There, before them, stood a larger-than-life female donned in a pair of black capri pants and a red Manchester United jersey. "Wait just a minute..." the loud voice with a Northern England accent boomed out. "I'm not going to take this any longer." "What the--?" Mulder began as both him and Scully stared up at the stranger who was towering over them. Just then, another larger-than-life female entered the scene-- through the same sky they had just two seconds earlier, thought to be real. "Kate, would you settle down ...?" "Hell, no! I don't agree with this scene whatsoever..." "Would you stop using my name in vain! And what? You're mad at the fact that Mulder can't give Scully a proper love bite?" she asked in what sounded like a distinctly Southern British accent. "You know Jim can't give Helen a proper one!" an obnoxious American voice called out from what sounded like Heaven ... but Mulder had since determined that they were in what was definitely the story from Hades (to avoid the use of the term "Hell" so not to upset the tall British female before him with the name Hel ... they were scary enough as they were), he knew not to question anything anymore, but rather just accept it all as it came along. "Hey now!" the second Brit replied, putting her hands on her hips, and pouting rather ineffectively. "The point is.... Mulder is a hard bloke, and... " Before she could finish that sentence, a loud laugh broke the moment, and all three turned to look at Scully, who was cracking up. "Mulder? You're talking about this Mulder? The Mulder who--" "Wait just a cotton-picking minute, Scully!" At Mulder's response, Scully couldn't help but laugh even harder. "What did you just say?" she managed to get out between gasps, while the other three just stared at her, each with different thoughts raiding their brains. Katherine thought: how the hell am I ever going to convince these two doped up co-writers of mine that Mulder is a wonderful, romantic man and that Scully and him should have wonderful, romantic kisses ... Mulder could give Scully a proper love bite any time ... in fact, he could give me one any time as well ... Helen thought: I think my boyfriend's ever so dreamy ... and one of these days, Jim will learn how to give me a proper love bite. Speaking of which, I wonder if I'll get a chance to "go swimming" this afternoon ... if we could only finish this blasted fanfic soon and I could get onto what I really want to be doing ... And finally, Mulder thought: Boy, am I hungry. I could really use a nice, big cheesesteak right now. I really wish I'd just left Scully there and gotten something to eat instead ... I don't think I've eaten in over 24 hours ... Hmmm. But then again, maybe if I get on Scully's good side ... Scully interrupted Mulder's thoughts with a slap across the face as he realized that he'd just said the last four sentences aloud. "How do I tell her that I have no inner monologue?" Mulder wondered. "I hope I didn't just say that aloud..." He glanced up at the three other women who were staring at him, expressionless. Scully shook her head and then turned to the other two girls. "Well?" she said. "Are you going to let us finish this story, or what?" "Oh ... yeah..." Katherine said, stepping back through what had once been the sky ... but now only looked like a piece of white paper that had been ripped through. What a disappointment, Scully thought. She'd have assumed they could afford more for settings, but jeez ... "Fine," Helen sighed, stepping back through as well. Scully faintly heard the sound of them arguing as they taped the sky back together, and continued on with the story they were writing once again ... "I will not tolerate Krycek kissing either Mulder nor Scully, Helen!" "Come on, Kate..." Scully heard Helen plead. "Fine... but nothing on the lips, you hear me?" "Would you guys stop it?" the American voice boomed out again, as the story (finally) continued upon its twisted path. "I can see where you left the rip marks in the sky!" Scully called out, but they obviously weren't paying attention any longer. She sighed and continued along as if nothing had happened. Even though she couldn't deny the excitement that Krycek was going to be in this story ... She had been denied of his presence the entire movie, and ... "Scully, would you stop dreaming about other things and get on with this bit?" Mulder complained. "Fine," Scully said, wondering aloud who had written that last line of Mulder's. "That was Katherine," Mulder replied. "She's getting tired of all this Krycek fantasizing, and has threatened to leave the story if we don't get down to the MSR soon." Scully sighed loudly. "All right, all right ... let's go, then. Where the hell were we?" "Love biting, or whatever the hell you were talking about..." Mulder mumbled, trailing off at the end. "Love bite, Mulder, a love bite. You were trying to give me a hickey," she said, "to use your crude terminology, but you obviously don't seem to know how." "What's that supposed to--" Mulder began, but didn't finish as Scully grabbed onto both sides of his face, yanked him down, and rested her set of teeth smack in the middle of his forehead. There, she sucked. Hard. "Owwwww!" Mulder cried out as she suckled, finally letting up after what seemed like an eternity. "Jesus, Scully ..." Scully didn't hear a word, though, as she stared, admiring her masterpiece. Man, she thought. This one was a doozy ... probably the best one she'd done yet. "Did it leave a mark?" he finally asked after he had stopped whimpering about the pain. Scully was about to reply when a voice came from behind them, startling the both of them. "Did it--!" an impressed male replied, and the two FBI agents turned to see the face of Alex Krycek staring down at Mulder's now hickey-imprinted forehead. It was about time he got here, both the agents thought simultaneously, without even realizing it. "That sucker's about three inches around," Krycek said, obviously still impressed. "What are you doing here?" Mulder asked, just to serve the typical plot device and to set up a chance for him to make a stupid (but what was originally meant to be witty) comment. "I'm your rescue party. Who the hell did you expect, Robinson Crusoe?" "Robinson-what? What? Who the hell thought of that line?" Scully shouted out, annoyed that she was in a story with such a stupid line. Krycek rolled his eyes. "That one was Nora's fault, I think. She's been drinking coffee with caffeine all night ... I think that explains it all." The other two nodded, and continued on with the scene. "So ..." Scully said. She struggled for her line. Somewhere out of the sky, a cue card fell. "Oh!" she whispered, and continued: "So, you like my work, huh?" "Yeah ..." Krycek said, grinning with all the charm he could muster ... which wasn't all that much, considering he was a back-stabbing, one-armed bastard. But a sexy one at that. Scully sighed. "Mulder tried giving me one, but he couldn't even leave a mark." Krycek thought about this, and turned to Mulder. "You used the teeth, right?" "Of course I did," Mulder said defensively. "And you sucked?" "I fu-- I mean, I sucked!" Mulder said. "You what?" Scully interrupted. "Sorry ... I almost said the wrong thing ... I didn't mean that." Mulder's hands immediately flew southward to protect the manhood that yet still remained. Scully just smiled, and Krycek continued thinking. "But did you suck hard?" "I sucked ... hard ..." Mulder said hesitantly, but Krycek knew at that instant ... "No ... you must not have sucked hard enough. Mulder, pay attention, and watch closely." Without warning, he grabbed Scully's neck and attached himself, sucking so hard that Scully thought her entire neck was going to be drawn into Krycek's mouth. A piercing scream could be heard from above, but the three characters ignored it as they were all too enthralled with the moment. And also because Nora was writing this particular part and wouldn't allow Katherine to ruin her Krycek moment. When he finally emerged a minute later, Mulder saw a mark there the perfect size of Krycek's small, but obviously skilled mouth. "Damnnnn ... " he said, reluctantly impressed with Krycek's work. "See?" Krycek said. "There's a mark?" Scully asked. "Damn straight, there's a mark there," Krycek said. With that, he headed off, disappearing somewhere out of sight, and leaving the two alone once again. "What the--?" Mulder looked confused. "So much for our rescue party ..." "Maybe he just wanted to give us some time alone, Mulder," Scully said, looking up at Mulder with a gleam in her eyes that Mulder had never quite seen before ... No, wait, he thought. His contact lenses were just clouded. Damn this stupid climate. Another minute, and they were going to freeze right onto his cornea. "Hello ... earth to Mulder?" Scully's voice surprised him. He pulled back to look at her face to face. Gazing at her intently, he studied her features, and realised (realized!) that he actually didn't know what he was supposed to do next ... "What?" he said. "Are you going to do it, or what?" "You want me to try again?" he asked. Her hand reached up to touch his face, and he was instantly reminded of what only felt like a few hours ago... his breath forcing into her passages while nasty apocalyptic aliens threatened to break through the razor-thin layer of ice that separated them and the two agents ... her skin had been so cold and lifeless then... as her hand spanned his jaw, he felt nothing but the damn wind beating across his face... "Would you cut out this fucking wind for just a second?" Mulder screamed out to whomever had just written the last paragraph. "You know, it's pretty damn distracting to try and kiss someone -- or give them a love bite, for that matter-- when there's a freezing wind right on your face!" "You are in the Arctic," an American voice reminded him from above. "Regardless," Mulder said. "Can we just suspend the reality for just a moment? I mean, c'mon. This is a fanfic ... " "You do have a point. Fanfics rarely dabble in anything that's representative of reality or events that occur on the show." A pause, and then: "Sure. Fine. Whatever. We lose the wind ... but only if you get on with this." "You're the writer," Mulder grumbled, wondering why he was the one who always got blamed for these things. "It's not your fault, Mulder," Scully reminded him. "It's Aimee's." "Scully," Mulder chided, "this is no time for inside jokes. Now ... I have to get on with this romantic scene, so would you look at these slightly interested?" "I'm extremely turned on right now," Scully said in a bored voice. "C'mon, Scully. You're not getting paid 4 million dollars to do this movie for nothing..." "You're right, but this isn't a movie, this is a fanfic, which I'm getting paid nothing to be in. I wouldn't even mind if I was in a good fanfic, but this isn't even a good one... we haven't even done anything yet ... besides that nice love bite I've planted on your forehead, but that doesn't count because I gave that to you..." "What about the one Krycek gave you?" "Well ..." Scully smiled dreamily for a moment, and then came back to the point she was making. "That was fine, and all, but to satisfy the MSR element and Katherine, for that matter, you have to reciprocate what I've done to you, so let's go." "Fine," Mulder said huffily. "And make sure that you suck harder this time." "I thought that was your job, Scully." "Shut up, Mulder, and get to it." "Scully .." Mulder hesitated. "Mulder, if you quit now, Krycek will win." That was all Mulder needed to be motivated. He leaned down without another moment's hesitation, and into her neck. A rendition of "Game on!" came from above. However, all that mattered, and all that was noticeable, was Mulder and his mouth as he nibbled and sucked. He sucked harder than he had ever sucked before. His sucking consumed her, pulling her into him almost in a sense. When he finally reemerged, Scully had never felt the anticipation she felt in that moment, waiting ... "So?" she finally demanded. Mulder looked down at her, his face expressionless. "I hope that isn't your panic face," Scully said. Mulder screamed in triumph (but it wasn't a girly scream). It was a masculine cry of victory: "Whoooo-boy!" "It worked?" she asked, tears of joy forming at the corners of her eyes. Mulder's own eyes were becoming blurry, but he wasn't sure if it was because he was emotional, or because that blasted wind had started up again. "Scully," he choked out, "it looks like a vacuum cleaner just attacked your neck." She nodded at him slowly as she comprehended what he had just said-- the memories of that moment which would live in her mind forever, "You won, Mulder. You did it." "=We= did it, Scully." "I love you, Spooky," Scully said, to complete the cliche that normally ended all Mulder/Scully romance stories. Just for good measure, she kissed him on the lips so that a warmth enveloped his entire body. "I love you, too," Mulder said. He had melted the Ice Queen. --the end ... "Hold on just a fucking second," Scully said, ripping her lips away from Mulder's, as painful as it was. It was hard enough to kiss someone with chapped lips in the Arctic ... but now they were just going to leave the two of them here? "You can't end this story this way!" "Damned if we can't!" the American called out. "It's after three in the morning, and frankly, I'm a little sick of this story." "What about us?" Mulder asked. The American sighed loudly. "Look, if you two had any brains whatsoever, you'd realize that if you just wait and press the 'next' button on your e-mail, you'll be in a completely different fanfic ... however, I have no responsibility what happens to you in the next one. Especially if it involves an FBI ball and a married Skinner and Mrs. Scully...." "Oh, God, no..." Scully shuddered. "Come on, anything but that..." "I'm sorry, but the three of us are tired ..." "Can't you just prolong it a little longer?" Mulder asked, pleading, getting on his knees for good measure. "Mulder, I'll give you a hint. Stay on your knees. Think about that for a few minutes. If the people who read this story have any brains, maybe you'll get a few fleeting moments of fantasizing before you get whisked away to the next fanfic, whatever that happens to be ..." Mulder didn't say another word ... and the three fanfic writers reluctantly put an end to their labor of insanity ... -- finis -- Author Notes: Please be kind.... this is our first fic ... uhhhh ... together, at least. We're all a bit afraid of the response this is going to receive. Naw, just kidding. Any and all feedback please send to the above address, and we'll all get it ... Thanks for reading ... if you managed to get this far without wanting to kill yourself... _________________________________________________________ DO YOU YAHOO!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com