From: Sheryl Martin Date: Tue, 21 Dec 1999 19:41:00 -0500 Subject: NEW-So This Is Christmas...(1/1 Please Archive... grin... All Characters copyright of TenThirteen Productions and Chris Carter. No infringement intended on any part... go ahead, take me to court... I'm using the insanity defense... heh, heh, heh... Comments, complaints and just plain talk to sheryl_martin@goodmedia.com Summary: Mulder and Scully ponder Christmas alone... Spoilers: oh, let's see - Season Six, Seven and Millennium... enough? Rating: G, Story... mind candy... So This Is Christmas... (1/1) by Sheryl Martin I can't believe it. Here I am in San Diego surrounded by family and friends and swarmed by children who barely know who I am; other than that wacky Aunt Dana and I'm miserable. Charlie is rolling on the ground, covered with screeching grandchildren as Mom rushes around the house; helping Tara to childproof everything in sight. Not that she didn't get enough practice. My parents were good Catholics, if nothing else. I sip the rum-laced eggnog and try to not think of him; try not to think of missing him. But I can't. Which is ridiculous. A year ago at this precise time I was dragging myself through my own blood; scratching nails across the hard wooden floor as I tried to reach the front door, knowing full well that there was no chance of survival. Then I heard him behind me and reached for my weapon; knowing full well that I could never pull the trigger. God, it hurt. The year before that I was with Emily. For only a few days, but I was with her. Watched helplessly as she slipped away from me and took any hope I had of finding my past with her. And he was there in his sheepish, awkward way right to the end. Standing by me as I spoke to the funeral director; the priest... detailing how I wanted the service to be and how I was, in the end, the only one she had left. God, it hurt. And yet... I miss him. I miss his smile; his wiseass comments. Bill would be furious if he knew that I had actually tried to invite him. ************ "Scully, it's in San Diego." He reached into his desk drawer; placing a pencil between his hands and rolling it up and down. "Yes, it is. Every year we change coasts to make it easier for someone to travel. Last year it was here..." I stopped there; not wanting to finish the end of the sentence because of the lump in my throat. "Well, I'd love to - if only to see how your brother reacts to me." A smug smile. "But I'm having dinner with my mother, so..." An open-handed shrug. "Okay." I nodded. "I'll be back before New Year's, though - I got the memo from Skinner wanting as many agents in DC as possible for the Millennium." "Oh, is that THIS year?" The boyish twinkle in his eyes made me laugh as I reached for my briefcase. "I'll see you in a few days, Mulder..." ************ So I sit here and drink my eggnog and smile at Bill who is fuming that Charlie isn't acting "proper" around the kids and Tara who's telling him that it doesn't matter; it's Christmas and Mom, who would have Mulder here in a second if she thought he was going to be alone on a night like this. So this is Christmas... ************* I can't believe it. Here I am, sitting alone in my apartment clicking through endless repetitions of A Christmas Carol and It's a Wonderful Life and every Christmas special that was ever made and I can't think of anything but how much I miss her. I didn't lie to her this time. Well, not much. I am having dinner with my mother. At a very nice restaurant that caters to families like mine; dysfunctional to the degree that no one cooks and all they want is a neutral zone to do the formalities. So I'll sit there tomorrow and listen to her prattle about her stroke recovery group and how she's doing well in her therapy and she's still got memory loss and smile because I know this is all I have; this is all that I'll ever have. But even in the middle of the single fathers and their children and the polite hostesses and the bland-tasting food I'll still be happy. And missing her. A year ago I dragged her into a living nightmare; ripped her from the safety and security of a joyful holiday into a horror house and barely got her out alive. Again. And the year before that, well... Let's just say that it was bad and leave it at that. No one should ever have to go through that. No one. I could call her. I could pick up the phone and dial the number; hope that Bill doesn't answer and tell her that I miss her; that I want to spend Christmas with her and New Year's Eve and that I feel lost without her. I could. But I won't. I'm still too much of a coward. *************** I could call him. He's at home; I know it. Probably wearing that torn old gray T-shirt and bouncing that basketball while mocking the Grinch and doing his imitation of Mary Lou Who. No one would know. I could say that I was checking my messages; that I had to check in at the Bureau in case they needed me for some emergency. I could call him; tell him that I'm miserable here because there's a hole by my side, there's a gap in my world that can only be filled by him and him alone. And if he hurried, he could catch a late plane and be here in time for the second round of turkey. But I won't. Scullys aren't cowards, but we are trained in strategy. You don't grow up with a Navy man and not know how to work the situation to your advantage. It's not right yet. Not now. Not yet. But maybe, just maybe... New Year's Eve. We'll see. ************* Maybe New Year's Eve. She'll be back in town by then; Skinner wants us all around in case there's some sort of Y2K crisis. And if the time is right and the mood is right and I don't wimp out... And the aliens don't attack and the lights don't go out and the missiles don't go off accidentally. We'll see... ************* been there, done that... wrote the fanfic... ************************* People live with cancer. They carry on, and so will I. You know I've got things to finish, to prove to myself, to my family ... but for my own reasons. Scully - Momento Mori ************************* "Heart of a warrior, mind of a fool... soul of a romantic..." - Jackie St. George ************************* Dragon's Lair - www.geocities.com/area51/chamber/7976 "Shut up Mulder... I'm playing baseball!" - Scully