From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org Date: 12 Jan 2002 02:05:01 -0000 Subject: Solace by Vivian Source: direct Reply To: wakwekobi@gmail.com TITLE: Solace AUTHOR: Vivian EMAIL: wakwekobi@gmail.com RATING: G ARCHIVE: Yes - just let me know, please. SPOILERS: Trust No 1 CLASSIFICATION: V, MSR KEYWORDS: M,S SUMMARY: Mid-episode rambling. DISCLAIMER: All these characters belong to Fox, 1013 & Mr. Carter. No infringement intended. FEEDBACK: Is appreciated more than you can imagine... wakwekobi@gmail.com ****************************************** They'd been talking in code forever. It was an intricate game they played; a one-sided conversation that had volleyed back and forth between them for years. Quips disguising endearments, comebacks hiding sentiment, a flip remark keeping the defensive walls in place. They were all pieces of the unique repertoire belonging to Special Agents Mulder and Scully. The walls crumbled on occasion, but were always quick to be repaired. Every time they came back a bit lower than before, but invariably firm. And now 'Dearest Dana.' It was so foreign it gave Scully pause. The sounds of the cafe faded far into the background as she stared at the laptop. For a moment she faced a stranger. Typed words on a screen that delivered a message from someone she did not know. But it was only one breath later that it entered her bloodstream like a shot of brandy, warming her all the way to her toes. In that instant she recognized her own Mulder. She could even picture the exact expression on his face as he typed the words; teeth worrying his lower lip, a faint lopsided smile hovering around his mouth, eyes slightly crinkled in a sweetly teasing expression, a hint of trepidation floating in their depths. She'd seen the expression before - it was rare and it was breathtaking, filled with tenderness and unspoken promises. It had never failed to heat the pit of her stomach and send frissons of alarm racing up her spine. In the past that look had always resulted in emotional backpedal - a quick change of subject to something known and safe. An argument, a joke, or a quick comeback would effectively avoid the emotional waters neither was prepared to wade into. And now... now it could be received and welcomed, instead of filed away in that corner of her psyche she guarded with ferocity. It was this realization that filled her eyes and made her tremble. Mulder was still Mulder, and she was still herself, but *they* were different. He was only reminding her of it. Nothing in her life had been, or could ever be, so bittersweet as the one evening they'd spent together cocooned in the newness of their relationship. With the truth laid bare at their feet, and William sleeping soundly in his crib, they'd lain in her bed together. While they were wrapped in each other's warmth, unaware of the coming cataclysm, she'd teasingly asked him if he was going to start calling her by her first name. She'd rolled over to look at him, and was taken aback by the stricken expression on his face. "Uh......" he'd hesitated. "Mulder, what?" she'd asked, alarmed. Had she already made some sort of romantic faux pas in this strange new terrain? "What, um, was your first name again?" He'd only been able to hold the serious expression for a few more seconds before the smile reached his eyes. Scully's breath expelled in a huff that was half laugh, half relief. God... would this ever become second nature to them? Perhaps they had been perfecting their roles for so long that it would always be awkward to look at each other in a new light. His grin, though, had told her differently. She'd smacked his arm in relief, and he'd retaliated with a hug so fierce it took her breath away and imprinted itself on her soul. She revisited that sensation so often in the past few months she'd begun to idly wonder if you could erode a memory. Her sensible self laughed at her, but it did not matter - she was spending far less time these days paying mind to Rational Dana. She finally decided it was not possible to wear out a memory, but rather like a favorite item of clothing washed many times, it would simply become softer and more comforting every time she turned to it for solace. Later, at the academy, with both her lab coat and professionalism hanging securely from her shoulders, Scully carefully folded the printout of her love letter and slid it into her pocket. She knew it would be re-read incessantly in the days to come. It was a tangible complement to the words she already knew by heart. Those words would take their place next to Mulder's hug. Locked carefully away from prying eyes and outside forces, taken out in the quiet moments, and put carefully away when reality beckoned. When he came home they would make the natural transition into 'treasured memories,' nestling among first crushes, her sister's laugh, her favorite teacher's praise, the long-departed family dog, and her father's salute. She would no longer need them for solace. She would have the real thing. END ________________________________ Author's note: I gotta admit, the 'Dearest Dana' thing threw me for a loop.... this was my way of working it out. Hope it works for you too.