From: Kathleen M Kirtland Date: Sat, 30 Aug 2003 21:53:47 -0400 Subject: "Solicitation" Source: direct Title: Solicitation Author: Katchat Rating: PG Category: V, angst Keywords: MSR, UST, Scully POV Spoilers: Per Manum Disclaimer: I never use any names in this story. So there. Summary: Angst over a big question. Solicitation How do I ask this question? Rarely have I ever had need to hesitate to speak words to you. You, who are my constant friend, the one who so often understands me before I speak. But my words have never held so much impact before. These words could change both our lives forever. Everything could change, everything could be put on a whole new plane with these words. Thus far, we've had an indescribable relationship. We have been so close, yet never allowed ourselves to cross the invisible lines we've had drawn since the beginning. Something so beautiful should not be tampered with, or so I have believed for years. There is no question that I love you. I love you more than I could love any other, and so differently than I have ever loved before. So much of me depends on you. So much of who I am is brought to life by you. But, I have chosen to keep these facts silent, not because I couldn't find the words to tell you, but because the words were so inadequate, and I didn't want to ruin what we had spent years cultivating by adding any unnecessary pressure or strain. But, I have to ask you this. Yes, these words will put strain on our relationship one way or another. I'm sure of that. But I cannot keep these things inside when something so important hangs in the balance. So, how do I say it? How do I ask you to be the father of my child? Should I write you a letter? Should I take you out to dinner? Should I just blurt it out over paperwork one day? How do I ask you to leave behind what we are and step forward into territory we never saw ourselves exploring together? I could always go with an anonymous donor. I'd still be getting a baby that way, and I could save us from all the tension. But it wouldn't be your baby. For some reason, that's important. I'd never really thought about it before now. Having a child with you never really crossed my mind, probably because for so long I've known that I'd never have a child with anyone, that it was impossible, that I was barren. And now, to have this chance, this singular opportunity, all I can think that the only person I want to be involved in this is you. Us...with a baby. The thought is so intangible to me, yet it's all I can think about since my doctor informed me that there was a chance. Even after all the strange and inconceivable things we have seen and investigated over the years, this possibility seems far stranger than anything. It will change everything. In essence, I will be asking you to choose me. To commit to a life with me. Yes, I will explain to you that you are not obligated to be a "father" in every aspect of the word. You can simply be a donor. No one would ever even have to know. But I know you. You wouldn't give me a child and not fulfill the responsibilities that gift entails. You couldn't stand by and watch your child grow and not be that child's true father. So either you refuse my solicitation.... Or you accept this life that I am offering you. A chance to be a family. There is no in between. And honestly, I have no idea what you will decide. I can't even begin to guess. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little afraid of doing this, of threatening what we have labored over for so many years. But all fears aside, I have to ask. I have to know. I can't begin this process without taking this chance. I want you to be my baby's father...almost as much as I want a baby itself. I want what we have for so long pushed away. I want it with you. But how do I ask this question?