From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: 18 Aug 2002 04:17:35 -0000
Subject: A Sort of Fairytale with You by Starrlyte
Source: direct

Reply To: Starrlyte1013@aol.com


"A Sort of Fairytale with You"

Author: Starrlyte

Category: MSR 

Rating: PG

Summary: Mulder's thoughts on life and loss.

Disclaimer: All things X belong to CC and 1013.

Author's Notes: The title was taken directly
from the new Tori Amos song "A Sort of Fairytale
with you". Her new CD is due out Oct. 29th. I 
was listening to this tonight after having a 
huge fight with my husband and just generally
everything in life was getting me down this
evening. Work, college, bills, my husband, 
my 3 year old son. Sometimes life tends to 
hit you all at once and I was at the end of 
my teather tonight. Sometimes writing seems 
to ease the tension. Tonight's work was done 
purely out of my own pain. This is a rare one,
I don't believe I have ever done a Mulder 
focused work so feedback would be greatly 
appreciated. Once again, love to you all who
read and love fanfic. 

Here we go...

"A Sort of Fairytale with You"

by Starrlyte


Life changes us in the most erratic ways. 
We swear to our deaths that we will not 
change, that we will remain the carefree 
children that danced barefoot through the 
blackberry bush. We reassure ourselves that 
we will never lose that youth. We had an 
absence of fear that meant no matter what 
hit us, we would survive.

Reality is a harsh truth and we soon learn 
that dreaming leads to wanting, which leads 
to disappointment. To be born is to die 
which ultimately, gives life no meaning. 
We wander about in this existence 
searching for some all-inclusive truth, 
some answer that will point us in the 
right direction while in reality, there 
is no direction. There is only a crooked 
path that we stumble forward into.  

I've been chasing monsters with a 
butterfly net. All this time, and I 
have searched for something that never 
really existed. There is no justice, or 
truth for that matter. The only thing 
that we can hope to accomplish on this 
earth is to survive its trials. Death 
is welcome for some and feared by others. 
I have chosen to take the middle road. 
I neither welcome it nor fear it, but 
remain rather indifferent to it. I realize 
it is out there, I have seen horrible 
acts that result in it. 

I have been on this quest for far too 
long and I have lost everything. All I 
want to do is hold my little son, but 
even he is gone. Loved, I'm sure, but 
gone. The only thing I have now is her. 
Perhaps it is fitting that it ends this 
way, just the way it started. Some kind 
of karmic circle. 

She sleeps soundly beside me and I 
hate myself. She is so beautiful and 
soft and I have scarred her irreparably. 
I am the reason for her pain and yet she 
stays. I look at her and cannot imagine 
where I would be had she not come into 
my life. She is my religion. She is the 
reason for my belief in love. Dark as 
this life may be, there is hope. 

I have no idea what is beyond this. I 
claim no knowledge of such otherworldly 
things, but I have to believe that there 
is something more than this. I stare at 
Scully and I see a glimpse into this other 
place. Perhaps it is where we run 
barefoot in the blackberry bush and 
climb trees with no fear of a broken 
limb. Perhaps it is where families are 
reunited, where mothers and fathers can 
hold their children and make up for 
lost time. Perhaps it is where we can 
smile at everyone and embrace all of 
humanity. 

I look at her and want nothing more 
than a happy ending, a sort of fairytale. 

Maybe life doesn't change after all.