From: Roy & Vered Friedman Date: Fri, 05 May 2000 09:31:30 +0200 Subject: xfc: NEW: "Soul Picking" (1 of 1) Source: xfc Title: Soul Picking Author: Vered Gilad-Friedman Email: royvered@netvision.net.il Rating: R (for some bad language used) Category: VA Archive: Yes Spoilers: "Sein und Zeit" Summary: The story takes place right after the final scene of "Sein und Zeit" in the graveyard that Scully & Mulder had just found. Forward: This is my reaction to the regression Scully's character went through in "Sein und Zeit". To me she sounded like '1st season Scully' - too cold and calculated. I'm trying to explain things here. Disclaimer: They're not mine. Won't make money outa' them. Just using without permission from 1013 and FOX. Feedback: Please send all the feedback you can. I will reply to all of ya. SOUL PICKING ~~~~~~~~~~~~ by: Vered Gilad-Friedman There's just death between us. Mounds of graves. I can tell she's looking at me. I don't want to see her face. I cannot bear the thought of her pitying me. There's just so much distance between us now. It is like she never knew me, and I never knew her. She seems so heartless. Soulless... The psychologist in me tries to convince me that she is just distancing herself from the case, not from me. It's just her survival instincts kicking in. Protecting her from the pain and the suffering. But the child in me refuses to accept this aloof lady whose every word to me today felt like pure frostbite. I don't care right now for her self-preservation! I want to be selfish! I want her to understand, to accept, to just plain love me, no conditions given prior to that love. I cannot take aloof right now. I do not want to take it! Will not take it! I feel somebody's hand on my shoulder. It's her. I can smell her perfume. I cringe, then get up on my feet and move away from her. She calls my name. I ignore her. Too little, too late, Scully. "Mulder." I hear her calling me again. "Just let him be for now," Skinner tells her. "I don't think he should be alone right now, sir." "He needs to get it out of his system. Let him be." Yes. Just leave me alone. You managed to do so until now. Who had to die for you to suddenly realize that I need you, eh, Scully? Oh, I know who died. My soul died. It was barely holding its own until now, but just a few blows was all it took to finally lay it to rest. Bam! Mom's dead! Wham! Sam's dead! Slam! I'm dead! Yep, nothing's left for you here, Mulder. It's time to pack your bags and leave. I walk further away from them. This time she doesn't call me. Nor does she follow me. I guess that's just as well. I'd probably murder her right now. Not so much with physical force, but with the ultimate of verbal lashings. I can just feel the venom right now, oozing out of me. But what does she expect anyway? That I'd just cry on her shoulder? What, Scully? What do you want me to do? You've been fighting me on this one all the way. I just didn't need that from you. Not this time. Why couldn't you see this? Where were you when I really needed you? Was it too much to ask that you once look beyond your *Goddamn* logic and see me? That guy you work with? The guy who's hurting so badly, all he needs is some understanding, and not some cool head above the water! I don't want the right thing to do! I want you to *feel* the right thing! I will accept your criticism almost everyday, but why couldn't you figure out for once in your bloody lifetime that you can be so right, and yet this time it was so wrong? God. Where am I? Damn! I think I'm lost. Oh fuck! Who cares, really. Mulder, you might as well be lost, you stupid sonofabitch. Does it really matter now? What reason do you have to go back? What kind of life is waiting for you back in the so-called 'real world'? Your sister's dead, and so are your mother and father. And the one person you care for is incapable of truly understanding your needs. Face it, Mulder, it's over. There's no point in going on. Just let go. ---------------------- "Oh Christ!" Oh, God! No! Mulder! No! "Jesus!" Skinner cries out. "I didn't think he'd do it!" He was just standing there. Almost planted to the ground, stunned by shock. "Sir!" I call out to him, but I don't wait to see what he does. I just run towards the area where I believe I'd heard the gunshot from. Oh Mulder! You stupid idiot! You selfish sonofabitch! What the hell are you doing?! Oh Jesus, if he's dead... Oh God! I'm so stupid! I should have gone with him. I should have taken his gun, I should have-- Oh my God! He's alive! "Mulder!" Why doesn't he answer me? The stupid idiot's just staring at me with those blank eyes of his. Why are you punishing me? What have I done to you? I know it's me. I just know it! "Mulder, give me the gun. Please." He just let it go? No resistance? Nothing? "All right, Mulder, what's this all about?" Don't shrug! Don't you shrug! "C'mon, Mulder, tell me." "Why?" A sign of life? "Why... what?" "Why should I tell you? Do you really care? Or do you just want to know for the sake of knowing?" Oh God... "Mulder...?" "No. Really, Scully. I don't think I know you anymore." What do you say to this? "I thought you cared." "I do care." Don't I? "So why... why do I feel... feel like all you care about is that *Goddamn* logic of yours!" Oh shit! "You know. I can be wrong at times. I don't mind admitting it. And yes, you can be right. But don't you think there's just more to life than wrong or right?" Oh lord... what have I done... "I needed you today, Scully. I don't think I've ever needed you more than today, but all I get tossed at my face is your scowls and frowns and feelings of dissatisfaction from what you see before you. This is not just another case we're talking about here. I thought you realized this, but I guess you didn't. You were just not there for me, Scully, and I wonder, now with all of my family gone, who will be there for me?" Oh Christ... I cannot cry. I will not... Oh brother... Dammit! I didn't know... I really didn't know... How can I say this to him after what he had just told me? It will just serve as proof for everything he'd just accused me of. I thought I was doing the right thing... I thought that I was helping... God... I was so blind... "Never mind, Scully." Damn! I've taken too long to answer. "No... Dammit, Mulder. I don't know what to say... You're right. I'm so sorry, Mulder. I was trying to somehow keep a distance from it all, thinking it would do us both good, if at least one of us stayed in control. I just didn't realize that it was the wrong thing to do today. You know I'd never hurt you. Not intentionally. I'll try to catch myself before I repeat this in the future. I care for you, Mulder. The last thing I'd want is to cause you pain. Just slap me on the wrist if I step into 'extra-logic-mode' next time, OK? OK, Mulder?" Not much of an apology, but God! I can't believe it. He's actually smiling. Not the wide grins he usually gives me, but it's definitely more than a hint. "C'mon," I offer him my hand. "If I'll pull on you, you'll fall," he warns me. "You don't trust me?" Oh, trick question, Dana... Not nice... I grab hold of his extended palm and pull. I know he's helping me. Just don't say a word, Dana. "I guess we have some grave digging to take care of..." "I guess we do," I agree with him. Maybe also some soul picking, too. ***** THE END ***** >-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-< Directory to all my sites (backgrounds, fanfic, XF gallery) http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Set/2571/director.htm >-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-< "If you want to know who you are, it's important to know who you've been" - Jadzia Dax, "Equilibrium" "I was just here. Where did I go?" - Fox Mulder "Small Potatoes" "There's no other thing unnerving for men than talking about feelings" - Benton Fraser "Due South" "I always wanted breakfast in boot" - Hawkeye Pierce, MASH